Dealing with a clingy, mentally ill friend

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T

thatsright

Diamond Member
May 1, 2001
3,004
3
81
Yeah this is very OT even for AOT. I will ask other places, but perhaps you have gone through this.

I have a very good friend since childhood and he is Bipolar. Things have gone downhill for him in the last few years. Alcoholism, lost job, homelessness and emerging mental illness. He finally got his own place through public assistance. He is relatively young (35). He has recently been dealing with childhood trauma (but I am very skeptical of this) and in the process alienated much of his family. I love the guy, but he is ready to break me. I am his only (AFAIK) local friend and support system. He is very isolated. He was on medication that he can no longer afford (or simply won't take even if so) and his mental decline has been noticeable the last year. He is now paranoid (not schizophrenia) and he always wants to meet up. More just to get outside which I am all for. However it has now become very draining and I feel put out. Not only put out but horrible for his situation (and also I feel being put out) and consider it now a chore to deal with him. I love the guy, but he talks about the same thing every time: anger, resentment, etc. Some of what he talks about his family (which I am very close with), I just don't believe much of it it but don't say anything and DO want to be supportive but it's hard for me to process everything he says and accept it. He seems to of given up on life. I have tried to do a few things to help him out, but its very difficult and seems like all avenues of help are not available. He doesn't have any money, limited to no health insurance, and just doesn't care about any of that anyway.

What did you do? I want to 'disengage' without making the situation worse that he may commit suicide at worst. But I'm so worn out and trying to keep my own mess of a life manageable.

Thanks guys!
 
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JulesMaximus

JulesMaximus

No Lifer
Jul 3, 2003
74,459
854
126
I had a high school friend like that. I reconnected with hi through social media right after my son was born but after talking to him I decided that letting him back into my life at that time was not a good idea. He is an alcoholic with no ability to control his drinking or himself when he was drinking. His wife had divorced him and he had been kicked out of his apartment. I think he wanted a place to stay but that wasn't going to be at my house.

It's a tough call but my son is way more important than a high school friendship.
 
Leyawiin

Leyawiin

Diamond Member
Nov 11, 2008
3,204
52
91
Maybe explain your life is quite demanding right now and set aside like one day a week to get together with him so he has something to look forward to. If you have other friends explain the situation and see if any of them might be agreeable to him joining you all for activities or socializing (just to try to help him not be so dependent solely on you for that). Its got to be tough - I Googled "Support for friends and family of the mentally ill" and all it came up with are tips for them to support their ill family member/friend, not support for the caregivers and friends to deal with the sick person. Maybe contact a local agency for the mentally ill and see if they have any tips for someone in your situation.
 
JSt0rm

JSt0rm

Lifer
Sep 5, 2000
27,399
3,947
126
A few years back a friend of mines little brother got like this with me over ichat and what not. It was a bit too much and I started to ignore him. He backed off and didnt contact me much and we were cool at her wedding a couple years later. About a year after that he committed suicide. Now I feel in no way responsible for this horrible thing that happened but the what ifs do run through my mind. You should either way prepare yourself for this possibility.
 
balloonshark

balloonshark

Diamond Member
Jun 5, 2008
6,322
2,726
136
It's good he has a friend but some people can be emotional vampires. People in the mental health field have to put up shields to constantly deal those that are sick. Perhaps take the good and leave the rest. Also, worrying about him when he isn't around isn't productive and won't help him or his situation. Try focusing on the time you're with him or compartmentalize your relationship with him.

It's good he has someone that will listen to him but you're not a professional that can help him get well or stabilize his situation. He needs consistent mental health care, meds, good habits, etc. which you can't give him. Try and talk to him about getting help that way you both can focus on your friendship and not you being his therapist.
 
lxskllr

lxskllr

No Lifer
Nov 30, 2004
57,426
7,613
126
JSt0rm said:
wtf man. This is so anandtech.txt o_O
Click to expand...

He's not wrong. First rule of rescue is not becoming a victim yourself. Some people can't be "saved", and it's up to them and/or the fates to sort out their issues.
 
lxskllr

lxskllr

No Lifer
Nov 30, 2004
57,426
7,613
126
JSt0rm said:
you people are fucked
Click to expand...

A few years back a friend of mines little brother got like this with me over ichat and what not. It was a bit too much and I started to ignore him.
Click to expand...

You have a problem with intellectual honesty. You've displayed that in other threads also...
 
Away

Away

Diamond Member
May 1, 2005
4,431
1
71
It might be time to get him some help above and beyond what you can give him. If he is not taking his meds and you believe that he could be suicidal, it would probably be best if he was admitted somewhere to get some more direct help. I know that's a tough decision to make, but it might ultimately be the one that gets his life back on track.
 
Red Squirrel

Red Squirrel

No Lifer
May 24, 2003
67,403
12,142
126
www.anyf.ca
Try to convince him to take any help he can, including medication. Even if he takes a smaller dose than what the dr says it's better than not taking it, and won't cost as much. I have a friend who is bipolar and he has trouble keeping a job but other than that I would not even know, I imagine he takes drugs to help stabilize it. Some people may feel that the drugs are a crutch, but really mental illness is just like a physical illness and you have to treat it, you can't control it yourself. I think some people feel that they can, and just get discouraged.

Just being with him might also mean a lot to him, so just keep it up, but maybe reduce how often if it's hard on you. Tell him you like to hang out and such but just have lot of stuff going on yourself so decide on a day every week to do it, or something.

I would definitely convince him to seek help though, but this can be hard to do if he simply does not want to talk about it.

I find mental health is one of those things that's not understood or treated well enough. Our government actually wants to cut funding for autistic kids when they hit a certain age (like 3 or something, I forget). Ridiculous really. I know someone who is very autistic, he and his parents need all the help he can get. He gets very violent and it's just sad to hear about because it's not really his fault.
 
JSt0rm

JSt0rm

Lifer
Sep 5, 2000
27,399
3,947
126
lxskllr said:
You have a problem with intellectual honesty. You've displayed that in other threads also...
Click to expand...

I shared my experience so that he could learn something from it. How is that being intellectually dishonest?

The problem with most of the people around here is they think in the binary. Computers are where they are comfortable because its all logic and 1 or 0.

We arent computers. Sorry you dont have the empathy or ability to deal with real human emotion but dont chalk that up to you having some "higher reasoning".
 
kage69

kage69

Lifer
Jul 17, 2003
27,303
36,455
136
I don't think absolute disengagement is the way to go, not for a longtime friend.

But it's a fact that the person has to want to get better before they actually can. If they've made the decision that help isn't for them, and they just want company while they drink themselves to death, I'm not sure there is much to be done other than hope for that "moment of clarity" to happen for them, soon, and keep your fingers crossed. Watching someone you care about elect to slowly self-destruct is a horrible thing. Been there, done that, won't think less of you for engaging in some emotional self-preservation in such a case. I hear ya. :(

Have a talk. Ask him what he wants. Let him know there is no shame in admitting you have some baggage that's caught up with you, it happens to more people than you'd think and it's nothing to be embarrassed or angry at yourself over. Show him you value his friendship and presence (even if you don't, right now) because with depression usually comes very low self-esteem. He'll take note. But just like how he needs to be honest with himself over what to do next about real help, you are being honest in telling him that you are unable to provide the direction and support he needs.

I'd steer him towards a counselor if I were you, maybe try to make him realize if he's broke he shouldn't be spending what little he has on alcohol (which will only make his problems far worse). It's not always about medication either, there are coping strategies that you can learn that can make a big difference for those of us with depression, PTSD, etc. Anger can be directed into positive action that can really make a difference in a person's life, sounds cheesy but it's true.


I really hope your buddy isn't so 'far down the road' that he can't be helped, and that something from this thread turns out helpful. Good luck dude. :thumbsup:
 
T

thatsright

Diamond Member
May 1, 2001
3,004
3
81
kage69 said:
I don't think absolute disengagement is the way to go, not for a longtime friend.

But it's a fact that the person has to want to get better before they actually can. If they've made the decision that help isn't for them, and they just want company while they drink themselves to death, I'm not sure there is much to be done other than hope for that "moment of clarity" to happen for them, soon, and keep your fingers crossed. Watching someone you care about elect to slowly self-destruct is a horrible thing. Been there, done that, won't think less of you for engaging in some emotional self-preservation in such a case. I hear ya. :(

Have a talk. Ask him what he wants. Let him know there is no shame in admitting you have some baggage that's caught up with you, it happens to more people than you'd think and it's nothing to be embarrassed or angry at yourself over. Show him you value his friendship and presence (even if you don't, right now) because with depression usually comes very low self-esteem. He'll take note. But just like how he needs to be honest with himself over what to do next about real help, you are being honest in telling him that you are unable to provide the direction and support he needs.

I'd steer him towards a counselor if I were you, maybe try to make him realize if he's broke he shouldn't be spending what little he has on alcohol (which will only make his problems far worse). It's not always about medication either, there are coping strategies that you can learn that can make a big difference for those of us with depression, PTSD, etc. Anger can be directed into positive action that can really make a difference in a person's life, sounds cheesy but it's true.


I really hope your buddy isn't so 'far down the road' that he can't be helped, and that something from this thread turns out helpful. Good luck dude. :thumbsup:
Click to expand...

Sorry I didn't mention that he does not drink anymore. To me, you and anyone else the rational thing that 'normal' people would think of is to see a counselor or do X or Y or Z. However he has no money and AFAIK know insurance that could get him to a therapist/counselor at a minimum. So I try to think of all these things that could help without saying it out loud and then don't say much of advice when I realize the things that are not possible.

Obviously to post such a thread indicates its hard for all involved but he only talks about one thing and so its hard for both of us.

And I shouldn't of been surprised for some of you here to be total assholes. Really. How about if your mom got into a car accident and might not make it and I just chimed in"cut your losses man." Think about it.
 
JSt0rm

JSt0rm

Lifer
Sep 5, 2000
27,399
3,947
126
Humpy said:
:confused:
Click to expand...


Yeah editing my words makes it seem something its not. It was literally years later from when he was reaching out to me. Regardless, if you cant understand why my story is a cautionary one then I dont know what to tell you.
 
Humpy

Humpy

Diamond Member
Mar 3, 2011
4,463
596
126
JSt0rm said:
Yeah editing my words makes it seem something its not. It was literally years later from when he was reaching out to me. Regardless, if you cant understand why my story is a cautionary one then I dont know what to tell you.
Click to expand...

I didn't really edit your words though. I just left out the fluff. :)

Even without providing cliffs it sure seems you are saying that others "are fucked" for discussing what you actually did.

Your cautionary story rings hollow as fuck.
 
JSt0rm

JSt0rm

Lifer
Sep 5, 2000
27,399
3,947
126
we learn from our mistakes. Thats what makes us human. I do feel I made a mistake not engaging with him more and I do wonder if he would still be alive had I put more effort into it. My cautionary tale only rings hollow to autistic computer nerds who think because someone did something one way one time they must continue to always do things that same way in the future. Binary thinking. Enjoy your shit life never growing though.
 
Humpy

Humpy

Diamond Member
Mar 3, 2011
4,463
596
126
JSt0rm

JSt0rm

Lifer
Sep 5, 2000
27,399
3,947
126
Im not going to engage you all day. You not understanding what I'm saying is just the way that it will be.
 
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