Critique my short screenplay *now with pics of the cast*

[slackerinabox]

Originally posted by: dwell

Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212

You're a lesbian criminal???

Objectifier... Or am I reading too much into it?

🙂 No, you got the idea...

 

[Indolent]

how does killing the guy fit into the story? It seems out of place to me. Did they have any bigger motive other than just his wallet?

 

[Compudork]

..

 

[slackerinabox]

Originally posted by: Indolent
how does killing the guy fit into the story? It seems out of place to me. Did they have any bigger motive other than just his wallet?

It's more about the characters' psychology than a true motive.. Stacey if a very jealous girl and... Well.. I hate investment bankers ( I worked with them for years ).. The subtext is that he's a reprehensible womanizer and deserved his death... But, yeah, it doesn't make sense on a plot level..

 

[slackerinabox]

Originally posted by: Compudork
Nice job, I'm just impressed that it is actually formatted as a script (you wouldn't believe how many people just write crap out in paragraph form and call it a script). I think it'll make a nice short, and its easy to pick apart dialogue in script format, in cases like this one where there is a lot of "banter" it is going to depend on the actors delivery to make it believable and natural, but I could see it working. Are you shooting on film or video?

We're using miniDV for this one... Can't afford a sound sync camera 🙁 I have shot on a bolex and love 16mm - there are a few silent shorts on my site

 

[Compudork]

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[Brutuskend]

May I suggest changing She loves me /She loves me not, to simply "...loves me ...loves me not"

 

[fs5]

killing him is over dramatic isn't it? I mean you don't really have any connection with the character, he's not sleazy enough from the dialoge. Either make him more sleazy or don't kill him.

 

[Yossarian]

as a toy engineer, I can tell you that Barbie arms can withstand a lot of force before breaking off 😉

enjoyable read though.

 

[ChurchOfSubgenius]

small citicizm: If I am really that confident and buzzed, there is no way I would let a woman drive me back to her place, I want to know that after I am done I can leave when I want. The story counts on the fact that they go in the alley, maybe you could write it that she tells him she will give him a alley bj or something.

 

[MercenaryForHire]

BTW, is that supposed to be "guerilla" film production? Or do you actually mean the hairy-backed primate? 😛

- M4H

 

[isasir]

Originally posted by: Brutuskend
May I suggest changing She loves me /She loves me not, to simply "...loves me ...loves me not"

Well the "she" piece works if they make that character look like a real young girl in the beginning, so it's like a kid playing with a barbie and talking to it. THen later on, she takes the rubber bands out of her ponytails and she ages 8 years, or something to that effect.