Critique my short screenplay *now with pics of the cast*

Mar 15, 2003
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Originally posted by: tweakmm
I did not see that one coming :D
I like it though:beer:

Thanks for reading it, man... I'll post the finished product here too.. Here's the cast for those interested (click on headshot to help you visualize the story) -
cast
 

JoeKing

Lifer
Oct 9, 1999
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try to stay with the spy motif longer don't jump to a super hero. and its the trading floor by day, on the prowl by night.
maybe have him say somthing like "Joseph Excitement Epstein, but you can call me yours" really lay down the sleeze. I almost feel as though there's to much conversation. You have the right idea about the long looks. But silence and cuts between looks can often work better than words.
 

PatboyX

Diamond Member
Aug 10, 2001
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Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212
Originally posted by: PatboyX
the initial conversation could use a lot of work.

Could you be more specific? I agree- it's filler.. but I can't put my finger on what's wrong..

mostly it doesnt seem genuine. i mean, i understand neither one of them are being sincere but...it the writing itself seems forced and little more like a conversation that either the author had or overheard somewhere. its too casual and easy for a first conversation...its too pat.

also: "who drops to the pavement with nary a sound." worst stange direction since "exit pursued by bear"
(but at least you are in proud company)
 

JoeKing

Lifer
Oct 9, 1999
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ooh I know have him fiddle with a wedding band on the wrong hand a few times. hint he's married to make the end more dramatic.
 

Whisper

Diamond Member
Feb 25, 2000
5,394
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Originally posted by: Joeyman
ooh I know have him fiddle with a wedding band on the wrong hand a few times. hint he's married to make the end more dramatic.

Hrmm...I might be mistaken, but I don't think being married would really fit the guy's persona. He doesn't really seem like the two-faced, nice at some times and an a$$hole the rest-type.
 
Mar 15, 2003
12,669
103
106
Originally posted by: Joeyman
ooh I know have him fiddle with a wedding band on the wrong hand a few times. hint he's married to make the end more dramatic.

Well, I hope to direct the hell out of his death to really make it very tense and hard to watch... I just really don't like investment bankers :)

I'm working on the dialogue from the beginning.. any ideas?