Can I get a guy's view and

[GymGirl]

I signed up under a new name so I can be unrecognizable. Here's the story. My boyfriend and I have been together since May 2004. We've pretty much gotten along great in every way, which adds to the sadness and makes it so hard. It's a long story, but a couple days ago we decided to break up, over things that we ought to be able to work out, but I think we both just got tired of trying. We planned to spend our lives together, we talked about it all the time. It's like when we did argue, it's was fatal - we would "end" the relationship immediately, not talk for a day or two, then get back together. But this time it looks like it's for good... and I can accept that but I am so sad.

Here's what I am wondering - what is it like on the guys side? I know what I am going through (as a girl), but what is he feeling? Is he sad? Does he want to pick up the phone and call me as bad as I want to? Is he checking his email constantly like I am? Is he checking his caller ID when he gets home? Is he laying in bed wishing I would call? Or is he just settled into the fact we are over and he will never hear or see me again... and that is fine? He appears that way. Not a word from him, no trying to convince me differently, etc. Will it eventually hit him in a few days that he misses me and then he might call? Does it hit right away, or does it take a few days to settle in with guys? Is he miserable or loving his new freedom?? I am dying to know what the guys go through after a breakup, and will it be this way forever - to never hear a word from him again? I sure wish he would have put in some effort to try to change my mind! (BTW: Neither of us had any outside influences of other people... if you know what I mean)

Help - can someone tell me what a guy goes through after a breakup??

 

[MartyMcFly3]

Different strokes for different folks. No way we can tell what he's going through. Some break up and move on the next day, others take a long time to get over it, some even years.

 

[Kyteland]

That totally depends on the circumstances. It can range anywhere from relief to depression.

If your relationship means that much to you, why aren't you making the effort to patch things up instead of hanging by the phone waiting for him to do it?

 

[FoBoT]

Originally posted by: GymGirl
I know what I am going through (as a girl), but what is he feeling? Is he sad?

is your boyfriend a man or a chick/metrosexual?


p.s. you can't just make up new accounts whenever you feel like it

 

[dabuddha]

Originally posted by: MartyMcFly3
Different strokes for different folks. No way we can tell what he's going through. Some break up and move on the next day, others take a long time to get over it, some even years.

Exactly. It all depends on how he sees you. For my ex, I was relieved that I finally got rid of the b!tch.

 

[dak125]

A good friend of mine had a relationship seemingly exactly like yours. Everytime they broke up he'd want to keep on calling her and I got sick of hearing about his girl problems especially since they fixed things rather quickly. So, in his situation, he was all bent out of shape about it.

Good luck though.

 

[NyteCrawler]

It depends, since you've been together for so long, he's definitely thinking about you at least a little. Guys don't talk about the future much, so if he did, and was serious, then he is certainly thinking about you. Maybe give him a call if you miss him. Talking never hurt anybody. But, I'm not the best at relationships. Either way, good luck and feel better.

 

[AStar617]

Originally posted by: Kyteland
That totally depends on the circumstances. It can range anywhere from relief to depression.

If your relationship means that much to you, why aren't you making the effort to patch things up instead of hanging by the phone waiting for him to do it?

Beat me to it. If it's worth saving, then don't cut off your nose to spite your face. But as Kyteland pointed out, all of this is baseless without more info on why the breakup occurred in the first place...

 

[purbeast0]

from my point of view i would say he's going through the same thing. however guys tend to not be as expressive, so he might not show it but he really feels similar.

but as the guy said before, different people handle things differently so there really is no way to tell what he's feeling.

 

[conjur]

<--- points to sig (YAGT.ORG goes for men *and* for women)

 

[Hammer]

are you going to keep your old account?

and to answer your question, it depends on the guy. everyone reacts differently. there's no point in guessing.

 

[KarenMarie]

I am sorry that you are feeling hurt...

I dont know how old you are... but I wanna ask this....

Are you spending all this time thinking of him and hoping he will call, checking email and laying awake... etc... or are you just wondering if he is doing these thing to pine for you?

If oyu are doing the same thing... then why not just call or email? I mean, if things were so serious that you thought you would spend forever together... then it must have been serious enuf not to give up on over a fight, right?

There is no harm making the first move... at least you will know for sure, and know that you did all your could insteas of playing the 'what if' thing. And if he is really over it, you will know it for sure and can move on once and for all.

Good Luck.

 

[cmdrmoocow]

Sounds like he is finally glad to be rid of you. In such a case, he feels absolutely awesome.

 

[AMDZen]

Yes. For the most part the guy has the urges to do what your talking about. But the thing about guys is that they will try and block these things out of their mind. The more he misses you, the more he will try and block it. Go out with the guys, get drunk, play CS:S. Do anything he can to keep his mind off of you.

I consider myself more emotional and sensitive then 90% of my friends, but I will still try to go as long as possible before calling an x gf even if I want to. Its males pride, and its been hurt. Another thing most guys try to do is make things up, or maybe just intentionally try to get certain things to stick out more even if they're not true. Like tell all the guys that "Oh she wasn't even that good in bed." Or "The only thing I miss is the sex."

Sad, but true. Most men think about the sex more then what you might be going through. Once again, this isn't all guys just most of them. He probably also knows what your going through, which makes it all that much harder to call or even talk to you. You definetely need to give it a few days, if not a few weeks and see what happens. Guys need their space, then you can call him if he still hasn't called you (2 weeks later) and try to just talk. As a friend, try to get an idea of what he is thinking.

 

[b0mbrman]

Yeah, I can empathize with you all the way. Relationships can be tough, and sometimes the best thing to do is to either hold on with all your might...or just let go

 

[Looney]

Well, i can tell you from personal experience, as well as from my relationship courses i've taken, that men usually take it harder than the women, even though we might not show it. It's because we aren't as likely to share our grief with our friends and get their support, and if we do get their support, it's usually not to the extent that women give one another. So despite the stereotype that men aren't as affected as the women, it's often the opposite, and men are much more likely to get depressed than women.

I don't know what your relationship is like, or what you guys are like, but it sounds like you love him, and are 'breaking' the relationship to test him, to see how committed he is even if you push him away... to see if he picks up that phone and calls you. If that's true, and especially if he's doing the same thing, i would end this game, because it won't last forever, and it looks like that's where it's at now. I'm assuming your relationship is quite short, because these games are normally played in the beginning... either the games failed, and the relationship ends, or the relationship endures, and you realize these for what they are, just games, and they don't do anything for it.

So my suggestion would be, be the better person and give him a call, and see what his take on it is. Does he really want to break up, or is this another 'game'. If it is, then at least you have closure, and you'll know it's over.

And like i've said before, and will stress again, guys take breakups harder than the girls. Initially the girl may have the more emotional response, but over the long run, the guys have it worst, because they don't have the support of friends.

 

[StageLeft]

He may be sad, but there's a great chance he now feels free, like a ball and chain has been cut off his ankle. I'm not saying that to upset you, but that's how a lot of guys are when a relationship finally ends. Especially if he was sick of arguing or felt like you were clingy or prevented him from doing things like going out with friends, playing video games etc.

Anyway, based on what you said about the relationship it's for the best for both of you.

 

[PanzerIV]

Too hard to judge, GymGirl. How one guy acts is certainly different from how another will just like your reaction may not be the same as what a friend of yours might feel if her relationship broke off. It all depends on if the arguing stemmed from issues he never clearly expressed to you and he is glad to be rid of you or perhaps you were in a rut and he is enjoying a break right now and you two will get back together.

Obviously there are so many factors that only you two would know we can't really give you this guys view. Good luck however it turns out, though.

 

[JDub02]

:camera:'s?

 

[b0mbrman]

You cannot blame yourself when it comes to these things, thinking you were somehow not good enough for him because with getting over someone, it really depends on the person. He was able to get over you in a certain timeframe and you will eventually get over him sooner or later. Everyone is different and you cannot question your self-worth because of it.

And of course it still hurts a little... it just means you are human. You have a heart and you have feelings and that is the reason why.

First and foremost, you have to understand you are not starting over with nothing. I mean just because he meant everything to you, does not mean he is everything, there is a huge difference. You see men and women are not supposed to complete each other like some people would say. We accentuate one another instead, which means you have not lost everything when you lost him.

You still have yourself and that is what matters most...

In these situations, you must think with a logical mind, for example... did you choose to make this post through your own choice or did you do it because he told you to?

All I am saying is that you should never take credit away from yourself and you should never underestimate yourself, either because he does not define who you are. You define who you are, nobody else.

There is nothing to begin with anyway. You just have to keep going and that is all you can do. I know you are hurting right now, but sorrow is an inevitable part of life and the only thing you can do is continue without letting the inevitable hinder you from your freedom so you cannot let this hurt get in the way of your life or else happiness is always going to be on the other side.

 

[SofaKing]

wow, out of all forums you could post about this you choose ATOT?

 

[TheShiz]

i think in about 99% of cases one person feels how you described and the other is pretty much ready to move on.

 

[mobobuff]

Breakups are hard for guys too, trust me.

What usually happens for a guy after a breakup is he tries to tell himself that he's fine, everything's going to be okay, and that his new freedom will be great. This is all fine and true for maybe the first few days, but then they get lonely and depressed. So then they try to find ways to work through the depression and feeling of isolation. For some this may mean lots of beer or another form of alcohol, for the non-drinkers, they'll usually find a lot of physical activity to do. I know after every one of my breakups I usually played a lot of intense basketball WHILE having a few beers. But all the while I was thinking about the breakup or the girl, or any other sort of related depressing issue. And yes I do remember checking my e-mail/voicemail and occasionally driving by her house a few times. Guys do that too, though not so much because they're usually trying to do other activities to help forget about it.

So, to be honest, the guy is probably feeling pretty crappy right now, and if he isn't yet, he will be in a day or two when he realizes he has nothing to do. The idle time after a breakup is the hardest, but it does get easier and easier as time goes by. It's really not unlike quitting a habit like smoking or drinking.

 

[MechJinx]

Different people react differently to situations. If it was as serious as you make it sound, I would imagine that he is taking it hard as well. Good luck and I hope things turn out for the best.

 

[b0mbrman]

First and foremost, you need to get out of this ?relationship?, immediately and there is no time for you to lose anymore. Abuse, whether it is emotional or physical is unacceptable in every way and you have got to get out of this. It makes no difference if you love him because if you have any love for yourself you will get out this very minute.

Luck is just another excuse for people to explain why terrible things happen and if you want real luck, then you are going to have to make a few changes. You need to start loving yourself enough to say NO to this behaviour and really do what is right for yourself and leave.

Regardless of how much you love him, you have to love yourself just a little more and get out of this abusive relationship.

You are not one of his possessions... you have feelings, too. Just because he is unwilling to treat you like a person, does not mean you have to treat yourself like garbage and you are treating yourself like garbage if you stay with him. What you want is a real man and this guy is not a man.

Please remember, you are the important one here.