Can friendship survive a wealth divide?

[TridenT]

It's not the money that's the issue. It's the difference in lifestyles that can conflict. I know plenty of people who make much less than $100k/yr but are constantly traveling all over the world for their job. Hard to hangout with someone like that often in your home city.

On the other hand, I know people who have millions but I get to see them frequent enough. And they don't live a super lavish lifestyle where I can't afford to participate in activities they do. I've been unemployed and super broke but been close to people who had millions.

It ain't the money. It's how you spend your time.

 

[VirtualLarry]

What if your friend has a "welfare mindset", and thinks that because they "have less", and you (or anyone else) "has more", that you should be obligated to "give"?

Edit: More specifically, I have another friend, who has more disposable income than either one of us, and my first friend wanted a loan to pay his bills, from this other friend of mine, even though they don't really know each other.

 

[TridenT]

What if your friend has a "welfare mindset", and thinks that because they "have less", and you (or anyone else) "has more", that you should be obligated to "give"?

Edit: More specifically, I have another friend, who has more disposable income than either one of us, and my first friend wanted a loan to pay his bills, from this other friend of mine, even though they don't really know each other.

Beyond the poor phrasing of those words, I would say that that person isn't treating you like a friend. They're treating you like shit and should promptly be removed from your life.

I know people who do this kind of shit to others regardless of how much money the other person has.

 

[zmaster]

i make 7 times what my best friend makes. he happens to have an IQ the size of Einstein, so we get along really well.
yet he is the only person that has unrestricted access to my primary bank account in case anything happens to me.
when we go on holidays we split the bills evenly (however i try chip in more).
to answer your question, yes, it is possible, however there will be difficulties....my advice is to be honest from the start about your earning. that way no grudges can ever occur.

 

[glenn1]

In that spot with many high school friends. Hasn't been a problem except for a small handful of them that went off the deep end and became a militant Tea Party member, super-radical PETA member, "Awaiting the Rapture," et cetera, all of which seem to be completely unlinked to how much money the person makes.

Basically if I can have a normal conversation with you about normal topics then I don't care what you make and hopefully you don't care what I make.

 

[skyking]

In that spot with many high school friends. Hasn't been a problem except for a small handful of them that went off the deep end and became a militant Tea Party member, super-radical PETA member, "Awaiting the Rapture," et cetera, all of which seem to be completely unlinked to how much money the person makes.

Basically if I can have a normal conversation with you about normal topics then I don't care what you make and hopefully you don't care what I make.

That's funny Glenn, the "loose change" 'believe any conspiracy' guy I know makes more than I do. It really has nothing to do with income. Thankfully we can still have a conversation now and again. He knows my position.

 

[glenn1]

That's funny Glenn, the "loose change" 'believe any conspiracy' guy I know makes more than I do. It really has nothing to do with income. Thankfully we can still have a conversation now and again. He knows my position.

Yeah, my wife loves watching reality shows about folks like that, or Doomsday Preppers, parents who make their toddlers do beauty pageants, or other crazy-ass ideas. Which baffles me since I don't want to hang out with them in real life, why the hell would I want to have them on my TV? The people who hold them seem to be all over the income map on both television and my personal experience.

 

[Exterous]

Edit: More specifically, I have another friend, who has more disposable income than either one of us, and my first friend wanted a loan to pay his bills, from this other friend of mine, even though they don't really know each other.

Well thats just weird if they don't really know eachother. If I didn't know the person and it was more money than I would just be willing to part with then I wouldn't give it to them. I'd still ask for it back but I wouldn't make a big deal out of it if it didn't happen after 2-3 times asking. Basically don't loan out money to friends unless you are prepared to not get it back or lose a friend. Loaned money can do strange things to relationships

It helps to not live a lavish lifestyle and be cagey about your wealth

 

[IndyColtsFan]

Of course. The only issues you would run into would be if you want to do something and the other guy can't afford it.

The wife and I make over twice what any other couple in our circle of friends makes, and we don't have many issues. In one couple, the guy is a super cheapass and nickels and dimes everything and expends ridiculous amounts of energy trying to save money. The funny thing is that he could easily leave his job and make 70% more, so it baffles me why he doesn't - sure, his current benefits and perks are good, but not good enough that a new job couldn't easily overcome them with pay (which is exactly what happened to me 2 years ago).

 

[nageov3t]

I make significantly more than all but 1 of my friends, especially factoring in the fact that my boyfriend and I are essentially DINK's (dual-income, no kids).

no real impact on my friendships, outside of the fact that pickup bar tabs for the group occasionally and only get token resistance... when a big group of us went to Vegas last year, my boyfriend and I did stay in a more upscale hotel than everyone else, but we made sure we were close and just met in the middle.

 

[SlitheryDee]

I don't see why not. I have friends who almost certainly make more than me, but I don't really think about that when we are together. The only real way that I see income getting in the way of a friendship is if one or both parties have an unhealthy attitude about it. If the wealthier person starts entertaining the notion that he is suddenly a better class of person than the less wealthy one and begins to treat them as underlings that would certainly ruin the friendship. Conversely the less wealthy person could begin to entertain the notion that the wealthier person is looking down on them even when they aren't really doing that. Of course that might end up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy if they obsess over it enough. Seems like both attitudes would stem from a kind of insecurity regarding their station in life. Someone who truly was comfortable with their lives wouldn't make it an issue.

I've seen it work though. A lot of the time it takes the form of the wealthier person having less wealthy friends and sort of bringing them along with them, paying their way to posh events and extravagant vacations because they know the other couldn't afford it. The people who can graciously accept the offers, secure in the knowledge that it is purely the other person's desire to be around them rather than any kind of malicious intent, are the ones who can maintain the relationships. The other kind of person is the one who sees every offer as a way of shoving the other person's wealth in their face and highlighting their own failure to do as well economically. That attitude is clearly borne of their own general dissatisfaction with their lives rather than anything the wealthier person is doing. It is certain to push the other person away eventually.

I suppose the other way it could go is that the two carry on as they always have with no expectations of the wealthier person paying for anything they didn't before. I find that perfectly acceptable as well. Going through life without the assumption that people are going to give you things just because they have more money is healthier anyway. Just accept that most people don't owe you shit regardless of their station in life and you'll be a lot less angry most of the time.

 

[PricklyPete]

Yes. Most of my friends make significantly less than I do (greater diff than your post) and a few make significantly more than I do (own their own business). This has never been a friendship issue in either direction.

 

[Sabrewings]

Depends on what you do with your money and how it affects your mutual activities. I hang out with friends that make in the area of a quarter what I do. Since I sold my weekend toy/ money pit, the outward differences have become less. The wife and I currently have a modest house and modest vehicles that fit our needs.

Where it can show sometimes is in your hobbies. I ride around on a $2800 mountain bike, while some of these friends that also bike with our group ride on $800 machines (at least quality ones for the price). It doesn't change what we do when we're together riding, they just don't compete unless we're doing it for fun (i.e. drink beer while biking weekend).

So, it depends, in my experience. If the money starts changing hands too much in the form of "spotting" or personal loans, that's where it can go downhill. Those of us with more do tend to buy lunch for the rest (whole group at once) more often, and there's no bitterness to the amount of return. We do it to keep everyone together longer afterwards and chat.

 

[KIAman]

What if your friend has a "welfare mindset", and thinks that because they "have less", and you (or anyone else) "has more", that you should be obligated to "give"?

Edit: More specifically, I have another friend, who has more disposable income than either one of us, and my first friend wanted a loan to pay his bills, from this other friend of mine, even though they don't really know each other.

This is very similar to my real life situation. I had a "friend" who assumed I made much more than him (easy assumption based on average compensation for the job) and always expected me to pick up every tab or pay for every outing. At first, being the "friend" I was, I did because I am that type of person but after I saw how it became a normal expectation for him (after several months), I confronted him about it. He asked me very angrily why should I care since I make so much more money. Eventually he asked for a large loan and I refused. He got very angry. I dropped him right there as a friend. We both still have each other's numbers and occasionally text each other but I have not spoke to him or hung out with him since then.

On the flip side, I have another friend who is poor (going back to college with little to no income) and refuses to let me pick up the tab. When I am able to pick it up, he is very grateful and attempts to pick up the next tab which I always refuse. He doesn't have any financial expectations of me which is a relief.

So... I guess it's possible and it depends on the person.

 

[rudder]

It is more of an issue of can an airline pilot be good friends with someone who works as a shoe store manager (as an example).

I would think it is more about education level, hobbies, free time, etc., etc. If that shoe store manager was a new high school teacher earning 35k/year... well both in this example would have college degrees so both would be more likely to develop a friendship.

 

[TheEnd]

How about we take the argument even further. What if the income disparity applies to your spouse/significant other ? I'm just curious if anyone has had a problem.

I make 15 to 20 times what my wife makes. Its never been a problem between us though. We are equal partners in our marriage and she has just as much involvement in our financial affairs as I do. She's very frugal though while I'm not. You don't know the trouble I've had trying to get her to buy clothes from somewhere other than Marshall's/TJ Maxx/Norstrom Rack. I'm not talking about regular clothes but if she needs a fancy dress, I have no problem with her going somewhere more expensive to get something that fits really well and looks awesome. Shoes are an even bigger headache as she wears years old shoes for ages.

As for friends, I make the most out of my friends but most of them make good money. The ones that don't we try to do stuff within their budget. It's not really a problem now as we all have kids and just hang out at each other's houses.

One of our good friends wanted us to travel with them overseas (before we had kids) but they wanted to save money so they were going to stay at hostels and such. I refused, if me and my wife are going on vacation, we are not slumming it if we don't have to.

 

[nageov3t]

How about we take the argument even further. What if the income disparity applies to your spouse/significant other ? I'm just curious if anyone has had a problem.

it's never been a problem for us at least.

I make about 45k/year more than he does... we split bills equally for the most part, the primary difference is that I'm contributing more to our house down-payment savings account than he is (and when we go on vacation, we usually split it such that I'm handling the big expenses like the hotel/airfare while he'll pay for meals, cabs, and other expenses)

 

[IAteYourMother]

yes, most of my friends make well over 100k. I make <40k/year. We're around 25 years old.

 

[GrumpyMan]

Nah...I'm friends with all my servants....

 

[brianmanahan]

It ain't the money. It's how you spend your time.

and the level of vacuum cleaner that you own

 

[LegendKiller]

Depends on the friend. Some want you to be happy unconditionally. Others enjoy spending time with you but think they are better, smarter, or deserve more than you.

I have one of the latter friends. He and I are of about the same education, work at similar companies, but I have done better in my career. He knows how much I make since we worked at the same company. My wife helped his wife get a job (she was outkicking her coverage but got it on a rec from my wife), she fucked it up and got fired. While we lived in the city we had the same lifestyle, apartments and going out with no kids, and we went out a lot together. But we were saving and they spent everything. So when we moved away we bought a house. When they came over to see our house they suddenly stopped calling us to hang out. We had become wealthier than they had.

We used to hang out with common friends that have no problem with our success in life, but that first couple definitely does. I think a lot of it is driven by his wife, she thinks she is very smart and deserves so much more. Add to that the fact she fucked up the job and suddenly have you have a lot of jealousy.

Wealth does funny things to people around you. Many are not happy when you accumulate it and they don't. Those that are happy for you are the true friends.

 

[Nebor]

I think it's more of a lifestyle issue. I'm not really interested in friends (or women) that make less than $100k a year because we're not going to do the same things, go to the same restaurants, bars, etc. Our group of friends last year had one guy that made $55k a year, and while we all loved him and he was a great guy, when it came time for an impromptu weekend trip to Destin or Telluride, he could never make it.

 

[brianmanahan]

I think it's more of a lifestyle issue. I'm not really interested in friends (or women) that make less than $100k a year because we're not going to do the same things, go to the same restaurants, bars, etc. Our group of friends last year had one guy that made $55k a year, and while we all loved him and he was a great guy, when it came time for an impromptu weekend trip to Destin or Telluride, he could never make it.

so, people who make 100$k per year and are willing to blow a lot of it

 

[sontakke]

impromptu weekend trip to Destin or Telluride

from Location: Honolulu, HI? Really??

 

[1sikbITCH]

What if your friend has a "welfare mindset", and thinks that because they "have less", and you (or anyone else) "has more", that you should be obligated to "give"?

Edit: More specifically, I have another friend, who has more disposable income than either one of us, and my first friend wanted a loan to pay his bills, from this other friend of mine, even though they don't really know each other.

Friends don't ask friends to borrow money. What you are describing is a "leech". Kill it with bleach or step on it and give a good twist with your heel.