It sounds typical, but my parents never did anything to such extremes. I just knew if I got bad grades they'd be disappointed and it was enough pressure to make me do well.
Here is a letter from a 16 year old asian girl. I liked the columnist's response.
Little slip was big deal
to her parents
Dear Michelle:
My parents ordinarily allow me to stay out as late as my friends do, which is 12 p.m. on Saturday nights. But since I got my grades back, they said that I have to be in at 10.
I am only allowed to go out one weekend night either Saturday or Sunday because they think that I should be studying at least six nights a week.
I am in the 11th grade at a prestigious and very difficult school in which to maintain an "A" average, which I do, or at least I did have, is quite an accomplishment.
This past semester I slipped because I started to see a guy on a regular basis. He goes to my school and is in the 12th grade. I think that I may be in love with him, which may have caused my attention to wander away from my school work.
My parents were not born here and are Asian. They are traditional, both are trained as physicians in their native country, and they want the best for me. I have the highest respect for my parents and I do not want to disappoint them.
However, I think that they are unfair in their approach to controlling me with regard to my social life. I am so upset by their response to my single "A-" in music, that I am considering breaking my curfew and staying out past 10 p.m. next week.
As a 16 year old girl, I believe that I am thinking in a normal way. But as the 16 year old daughter of my particular parents, I am risking a lot.
Knowing how they feel about my not obeying them will place me in more trouble than you can imagine. My parents could conceivably beat me or lock me in my room or both. They did that to my brothers, one of whom ran away and is now in a gang.
My younger brother has a strong spirit as I do, and when it was his turn to listen to our parents, or not listen, he chose to go his own way. He was physically punished very badly and then he was locked in his room for weeks except to attend school.
Last year my younger brother ran away and we do not know where he is living. Even though my parents are heartbroken, they still view their actions as correct.
At this point in my life I have a similar choice as my brothers had. They were both honor students. They were also respectful of our parents until they could not take it anymore. They cracked under the pressure to be perfect.
I wanted to write to your column, Michelle, before I decided to take any actions that I might regret. If I decide to stay out past my new 10PM curfew, and if my parents do hit me and lock me up, I am not sure yet what I will do.
However, it is a momentous decision and there is no turning back if I do break their rules.
Now that you understand the situation, do you have any advice that might help me if the time comes?
Thank you, but I cannot leave you my name because I do not want my family to be shamed.
Dear Parents Should Be Very Proud of You:
Where ever it is that your ancestors are buried, and in whatever country, if they were here now, they would be surely proud of you. Any parent who has successfully raised such a protective, smart, diligent and normal teenager should be singing their and your praises alike.
However, you are obviously in a fearful state; fearful of upsetting your parents and fearful of the consequences of their negative feelings towards you should you cross them and their rules of conduct.
You are living in The United States of America. There are laws that would and could protect you if your parents did beat you and lock you up in your house. However, it appears that this would not be an option for you, due to your protectiveness towards them and of your good name.
Your attitude is admirable, but it also may be the only viable option, save one. That one is the following: Do not cross your parents. You are in the 11th grade and you only have about 18 more months before you graduate from high school.
You have been able to make do until now, so hold your breath and hold on.
After you graduate from high school and begin college, your life will presumably change for the better. Many parents like yours loosen up as soon as they see that their children are in college and on the right path towards a profession.
Your chances of avoiding a terrible blow-up and your having to possibly face the same fate as your brothers faced (leaving home and school prematurely) are reduced immeasurably if you "go along to get along," even if the going along seems unfair and restrictive; which it is.
I hope that this letter has helped you solve a very difficult problem. Defying your parents for the sake of a boyfriend is certainly within the norm in our society, but it may not be the wise thing to do.
Be smart and stay safe. 18 months is a blink of an eye especially for someone as mature and intelligent as you. And if your boyfriend shares even half of your values and work ethic, he should be able to understand and withstand the present restrictions on the relationship.
[EDIT] Ooops, Link!
Here is a letter from a 16 year old asian girl. I liked the columnist's response.
Little slip was big deal
to her parents
Dear Michelle:
My parents ordinarily allow me to stay out as late as my friends do, which is 12 p.m. on Saturday nights. But since I got my grades back, they said that I have to be in at 10.
I am only allowed to go out one weekend night either Saturday or Sunday because they think that I should be studying at least six nights a week.
I am in the 11th grade at a prestigious and very difficult school in which to maintain an "A" average, which I do, or at least I did have, is quite an accomplishment.
This past semester I slipped because I started to see a guy on a regular basis. He goes to my school and is in the 12th grade. I think that I may be in love with him, which may have caused my attention to wander away from my school work.
My parents were not born here and are Asian. They are traditional, both are trained as physicians in their native country, and they want the best for me. I have the highest respect for my parents and I do not want to disappoint them.
However, I think that they are unfair in their approach to controlling me with regard to my social life. I am so upset by their response to my single "A-" in music, that I am considering breaking my curfew and staying out past 10 p.m. next week.
As a 16 year old girl, I believe that I am thinking in a normal way. But as the 16 year old daughter of my particular parents, I am risking a lot.
Knowing how they feel about my not obeying them will place me in more trouble than you can imagine. My parents could conceivably beat me or lock me in my room or both. They did that to my brothers, one of whom ran away and is now in a gang.
My younger brother has a strong spirit as I do, and when it was his turn to listen to our parents, or not listen, he chose to go his own way. He was physically punished very badly and then he was locked in his room for weeks except to attend school.
Last year my younger brother ran away and we do not know where he is living. Even though my parents are heartbroken, they still view their actions as correct.
At this point in my life I have a similar choice as my brothers had. They were both honor students. They were also respectful of our parents until they could not take it anymore. They cracked under the pressure to be perfect.
I wanted to write to your column, Michelle, before I decided to take any actions that I might regret. If I decide to stay out past my new 10PM curfew, and if my parents do hit me and lock me up, I am not sure yet what I will do.
However, it is a momentous decision and there is no turning back if I do break their rules.
Now that you understand the situation, do you have any advice that might help me if the time comes?
Thank you, but I cannot leave you my name because I do not want my family to be shamed.
Dear Parents Should Be Very Proud of You:
Where ever it is that your ancestors are buried, and in whatever country, if they were here now, they would be surely proud of you. Any parent who has successfully raised such a protective, smart, diligent and normal teenager should be singing their and your praises alike.
However, you are obviously in a fearful state; fearful of upsetting your parents and fearful of the consequences of their negative feelings towards you should you cross them and their rules of conduct.
You are living in The United States of America. There are laws that would and could protect you if your parents did beat you and lock you up in your house. However, it appears that this would not be an option for you, due to your protectiveness towards them and of your good name.
Your attitude is admirable, but it also may be the only viable option, save one. That one is the following: Do not cross your parents. You are in the 11th grade and you only have about 18 more months before you graduate from high school.
You have been able to make do until now, so hold your breath and hold on.
After you graduate from high school and begin college, your life will presumably change for the better. Many parents like yours loosen up as soon as they see that their children are in college and on the right path towards a profession.
Your chances of avoiding a terrible blow-up and your having to possibly face the same fate as your brothers faced (leaving home and school prematurely) are reduced immeasurably if you "go along to get along," even if the going along seems unfair and restrictive; which it is.
I hope that this letter has helped you solve a very difficult problem. Defying your parents for the sake of a boyfriend is certainly within the norm in our society, but it may not be the wise thing to do.
Be smart and stay safe. 18 months is a blink of an eye especially for someone as mature and intelligent as you. And if your boyfriend shares even half of your values and work ethic, he should be able to understand and withstand the present restrictions on the relationship.
[EDIT] Ooops, Link!
