Antisocial guilt

[bbhaag]

Every year the subdivision I live in holds a neighborhood party. They get inflatables, have cornhole tournaments, rent porta-potties, have a potluck, music, games for the kids...they go all out. In theory it should be a good time.

We have grown kids, and we live in the first street in the subdivision. There was some delay in the development due to the recession in 2008, so most of the houses on the other streets were built a decade after ours, and everyone moved in at the same time. What happened as a result is people on the 1st street have turned into sort of "outcasts"....we have larger yards than everyone else, so we're more separated, and we don't really have any contact with people on the other streets.

So, they hold this big party every year and ask everyone to donate. We've gone to this party a couple of times in the past, and...everyone tended to ignore us. I brought food (like...GOOD food. BBQ brisket, cowboy beans, mac and cheese..etc), people in the food line would ask "Who brought this?" I would say "That would me me..." expecting that to turn into a conversation, but they would just tend to go "Oh..." and walk away.

I'm not sure if my wife and I are unlikeable for some reason, if there's just a tight clique on the other streets, if they think we're party crashers, or what's going on, but we decided not to go to these parties anymore as it feels humiliating. Now they're on the Facebook groups pointing out that some people didn't donate yet and making me feel guilty.

Subdivision life sucks. Avoid at all costs.

Dude, you gave it an honest go a couple of times but it sounds like it just wasn't your guys' thing. No shame in that and no need to feel guilty about it. At least you can say "Yeah we tried it a couple of times but it just didn't click with us". Maybe you and your wife are unlikable or maybe you have douchebag neighbors; who fucking knows and who fucking cares?
I don't and honestly neither should you. Life is to fucking short to worry about what your neighbors think about you and your family.

 

[Fritzo]

I think you're fine. Logically, you don't have time to schmooze and fool around. You sure shouldn't feel guilty. As far as friends go, there's different perspectives and everyone's different (and the same). I have this one pinned to my fridge:

Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none. - Benjamin Franklin

Of course, Ben was a diplomat and a businessman, so he had his personal perspective on relations with others. But he was a pretty wise (and successful) person.

I figure the friend should be your wife! Oh, yeah. People who are "best friends" with their spouses seem to be the happiest, I've noticed. From Ben's perspective, just one "friend."

Haha...literally my wife is my best friend. We spend all of our time together and all of our plans are based around that. What's weird is at work I'm known as the person with the most people skills- all of our clients instantly like and trust me, so I'm called in anytime there's a problem to settle the situation down. One of my greatest skills evidentially is pretending I'm personable

 

[Fritzo]

WRONG

I wish it weren't that way...but that's what happens. The wife invites her friend over, the spouse comes along, they're in the family room gabbing about Real House Wives or Magic Mike XXL or vaginal freshness or whatever women gab about, and you're there with the husband on the patio saying things like "So...you want a beer? Yeah, this is the new grill. Just overseeded the lawn. Think I'll switch to 10w30 oil for the summer. You see those sportsball scores? We have a bumper crop of tomatoes this year! Want another beer?"

 

[IndyColtsFan]

WRONG

No, what he said is pretty accurate especially when it comes to new friends and definitely "couples friends". Guys may have friends from the "before times," but the wife is the one who brings in the "couples friends" typically. In my case, all of my wife's friend's husbands are hilariously lame except for one guy who is pretty cool.

 

[IndyColtsFan]

I wish it weren't that way...but that's what happens. The wife invites her friend over, the spouse comes along, they're in the family room gabbing about Real House Wives or Magic Mike XXL or vaginal freshness or whatever women gab about, and you're there with the husband on the patio saying things like "So...you want a beer? Yeah, this is the new grill. Just overseeded the lawn. Think I'll switch to 10w30 oil for the summer. You see those sportsball scores? We have a bumper crop of tomatoes this year! Want another beer?"

My wife's friend's husbands are the lamest of the lame outside of one guy who is a techie and I can talk with about many topics. Two of them are librarians (lol) and another newer guy is an ironworker who I have only met a couple of times but we don't seem to have much in common unfortunately.

 

[Fanatical Meat]

Y’all have some weird relationships. Younger me feared I’d never learn proper bounds or would always feel awkward.
Seems in my opinion I’ve done pretty well.

Now this isn’t saying you guys are defective or anything. I have my friends she has hers. Kind of wish she had more friends but that’s her choice.
I admit it is rare you meet a couple where everything works perfectly. I admit I would like to have people over more often but I don’t because she hates the idea.

I find it strange that people sacrifice friends because they are married. I simply don’t understand the concept. I do understand people grow in different directions and someone important 20 years ago could be less important now. Same is true in reverse, I have lost touch with people because our lives/interests went in different directions but reconnected with them year/decades later because stuff aligns again.

 

[Fritzo]

My wife's friend's husbands are the lamest of the lame outside of one guy who is a techie and I can talk with about many topics. Two of them are librarians (lol) and another newer guy is an ironworker who I have only met a couple of times but we don't seem to have much in common unfortunately.

Same. One of the husbands has worked the same job packing glass in a factory for 25 years and hobbies include binging Netflix and keeping up on Facebook political groups. Another is into "mudding" with ATVs. The best one is nearly identical to me in skills, interests, and personality, and I really like him, but his wife is the most self-centered obnoxious irritating person on Earth-Karen haircut and all. He seems chronically depressed and drinks a lot as a result, so it just gets me sad and angry when I see him.

The slippery slope is when bland people meet ambitious people. I have a lot of skills (trying to put this in a non-bragging conceited way). I'm just naturally curious and have had a lot of experiences as a result. I became a proficient musician, a classically trained chef, have a high degree of interest in astronomy, astrophysics, had some medical education, I'm very handy with home improvement and mechanics, achieved a level of expertise in network engineering, and I love physical fitness. The typical husband-type will come home from work, tell his wife to feed him, watch TV until he falls asleep, and repeats that 5 days a week. On the weekend he'll watch sports, maybe cut the grass, and watch more TV. We'll talk and they find out all of the things I can do, they'll ask to see my guitar studio I built or tools or home automation gear, and suddenly I turn into a resource to compensate for their lack of ambition.

I end up having to cook every time someone comes over, after the second visit they'll always bring some kind of electronics for me to fix (not kidding- last time someone brought a 42" LED TV to see if I could fix the screen. Changed the LED bars under the screen). This turns into "Can you come over and do this or that or the other thing?" My politeness says "Well, set something up with my wife and we'll see what we can do." but my brain is yelling "WE LIVE IN THE AGE OF YOUTUBE- GOOGLE IT YOU LAZY PIECE OF SHIT!!!"

This goes back to friends just being exhausting.

 

[Fritzo]

Y’all have some weird relationships. Younger me feared I’d never learn proper bounds or would always feel awkward.
Seems in my opinion I’ve done pretty well.

Now this isn’t saying you guys are defective or anything. I have my friends she has hers. Kind of wish she had more friends but that’s her choice.
I admit it is rare you meet a couple where everything works perfectly. I admit I would like to have people over more often but I don’t because she hates the idea.

I find it strange that people sacrifice friends because they are married. I simply don’t understand the concept. I do understand people grow in different directions and someone important 20 years ago could be less important now. Same is true in reverse, I have lost touch with people because our lives/interests went in different directions but reconnected with them year/decades later because stuff aligns again.

I think it's just the group of people you end up being around. There's always going to be a specific unique trait to any mixed subset.

 

[IndyColtsFan]

I find it strange that people sacrifice friends because they are married.

I think you misunderstand. I didn't say I was sacrificing friends - I still have the same friends I've had for 10-30 years. It's just that 1) They're my friends - not really a "couples" thing 2) Many men are quiet and aren't going out actively making friends. I'm perfectly fine keeping to my hobbies and meeting up with my older friends once in awhile. In most marriages, the wife is really the person who schedules/arranges social events so in terms of meeting new people, most men are mainly exposed to their wife's friend's husbands. Unfortunately for me, they all suck except the one guy I don't see very much.

 

[Fanatical Meat]

I think you misunderstand. I didn't say I was sacrificing friends - I still have the same friends I've had for 10-30 years. It's just that 1) They're my friends - not really a "couples" thing 2) Many men are quiet and aren't going out actively making friends. I'm perfectly fine keeping to my hobbies and meeting up with my older friends once in awhile. In most marriages, the wife is really the person who schedules/arranges social events so in terms of meeting new people, most men are mainly exposed to their wife's friend's husbands. Unfortunately for me, they all suck except the one guy I don't see very much.

ah I get it, don’t agree with the men part though. I have a far easier time meeting people than my wife does. I put effort into it & she does not.

 

[IndyColtsFan]

Same. One of the husbands has worked the same job packing glass in a factory for 25 years and hobbies include binging Netflix and keeping up on Facebook political groups. Another is into "mudding" with ATVs. The best one is nearly identical to me in skills, interests, and personality, and I really like him, but his wife is the most self-centered obnoxious irritating person on Earth-Karen haircut and all. He seems chronically depressed and drinks a lot as a result, so it just gets me sad and angry when I see him.

The slippery slope is when bland people meet ambitious people. I have a lot of skills (trying to put this in a non-bragging conceited way). I'm just naturally curious and have had a lot of experiences as a result. I became a proficient musician, a classically trained chef, have a high degree of interest in astronomy, astrophysics, had some medical education, I'm very handy with home improvement and mechanics, achieved a level of expertise in network engineering, and I love physical fitness. The typical husband-type will come home from work, tell his wife to feed him, watch TV until he falls asleep, and repeats that 5 days a week. On the weekend he'll watch sports, maybe cut the grass, and watch more TV. We'll talk and they find out all of the things I can do, they'll ask to see my guitar studio I built or tools or home automation gear, and suddenly I turn into a resource to compensate for their lack of ambition.

I end up having to cook every time someone comes over, after the second visit they'll always bring some kind of electronics for me to fix (not kidding- last time someone brought a 42" LED TV to see if I could fix the screen. Changed the LED bars under the screen). This turns into "Can you come over and do this or that or the other thing?" My politeness says "Well, set something up with my wife and we'll see what we can do." but my brain is yelling "WE LIVE IN THE AGE OF YOUTUBE- GOOGLE IT YOU LAZY PIECE OF SHIT!!!"

This goes back to friends just being exhausting.

If it's any consolation, I think you and I would be great friends. lol

I'm very much the same. I have hobbies which are more on the geek/intellectual side. My big hobby now (which @Kaido can attest to) is 3d printing and it allows me to engage my other hobbies (like sci-fi, etc). When I'm not doing that, I'm reading science articles and stuff of that nature and learning new things. I'm constantly looking for new things to try or tinker with, while most of my wife's friend's husbands watch TV, run, read lame fantasy garbage, or really have no hobbies.

And the one guy who is a husband of my wife's friend who is pretty cool is into tech like I am, but like you, his wife is super annoying to the nth degree. So I have to balance being incredibly annoyed vs seeing him. Not an easy trade off!

 

[Fritzo]

If it's any consolation, I think you and I would be great friends. lol

I'm very much the same. I have hobbies which are more on the geek/intellectual side. My big hobby now (which @Kaido can attest to) is 3d printing and it allows me to engage my other hobbies (like sci-fi, etc). When I'm not doing that, I'm reading science articles and stuff of that nature and learning new things. I'm constantly looking for new things to try or tinker with, while most of my wife's friend's husbands watch TV, run, read lame fantasy garbage, or really have no hobbies.

And the one guy who is a husband of my wife's friend who is pretty cool is into tech like I am, but like you, his wife is super annoying to the nth degree. So I have to balance being incredibly annoyed vs seeing him. Not an easy trade off!

I'm sure we would be friends (it really only takes one thing in common to hit it off, and it seems like we have a few different crossed paths). I can act like a friend to anyone when needed though- mostly for my wife's sake. I guess I can act a bit too well though because...wow. Didn't seem like it was this hard to socialize when I was younger

 

[Geekbabe]

Every year the subdivision I live in holds a neighborhood party. They get inflatables, have cornhole tournaments, rent porta-potties, have a potluck, music, games for the kids...they go all out. In theory it should be a good time.

We have grown kids, and we live in the first street in the subdivision. There was some delay in the development due to the recession in 2008, so most of the houses on the other streets were built a decade after ours, and everyone moved in at the same time. What happened as a result is people on the 1st street have turned into sort of "outcasts"....we have larger yards than everyone else, so we're more separated, and we don't really have any contact with people on the other streets.

So, they hold this big party every year and ask everyone to donate. We've gone to this party a couple of times in the past, and...everyone tended to ignore us. I brought food (like...GOOD food. BBQ brisket, cowboy beans, mac and cheese..etc), people in the food line would ask "Who brought this?" I would say "That would me me..." expecting that to turn into a conversation, but they would just tend to go "Oh..." and walk away.

I'm not sure if my wife and I are unlikeable for some reason, if there's just a tight clique on the other streets, if they think we're party crashers, or what's going on, but we decided not to go to these parties anymore as it feels humiliating. Now they're on the Facebook groups pointing out that some people didn't donate yet and making me feel guilty.

Subdivision life sucks. Avoid at all costs.

At these sorts of events I stay on the sidelines and tend to find others who do the same, these are usually my people, we have a great time,have similar interests and are usually introverted types.

Of course then I got cancer and for some strange reason got popular, I don’t understand people seriously…lol, maybe they like my morbid jokes

 

[Lost_in_the_HTTP]

Being social made me anti-social and I have no guilt about it.

 

[digiram]

When bringing food to a party or making food at home. If it’s gone, that should say enough about their gratitude. Do you bring your kids and do they play with other kids? Could always strike a conversation with their parents.

 

[digiram]

Or pop some mdma and become friends with everyone. Lol

 

[Fritzo]

At these sorts of events I stay on the sidelines and tend to find others who do the same, these are usually my people, we have a great time,have similar interests and are usually introverted types.

Of course then I got cancer and for some strange reason got popular, I don’t understand people seriously…lol, maybe they like my morbid jokes

You got cancer and had something to talk about to strangers? LUCKY!!!

(On a side note- we're still glad you're around )

 

[Fritzo]

When bringing food to a party or making food at home. If it’s gone, that should say enough about their gratitude. Do you bring your kids and do they play with other kids? Could always strike a conversation with their parents.

My kids are 21 and 25, so having them play with 5 year olds would definitely start a conversation

 

[Captante]

My politeness says

I believe I MAY have hit upon the root cause of the problem!


(being polite = telling diplomatic lies)

 

[Captante]

Of course then I got cancer and for some strange reason got popular, I don’t understand people seriously…lol, maybe they like my morbid jokes

Didn't you used to be a mod? We COULD all just be shameless suck-ups hoping for a "get out of ban free" card.

 

[maluckey1]

Fritzo,

Our neighborhood does something similar. I went once and it was .... meh...I met a few people, and I tried to socialize with everyone, but I just wasn't thrilled with it all. I'm far from anti-social, but these gatherings just didn't do it for me. They always seem to try too hard, and it's too mentally draining for me. Not being a fan of fakeness, I decided to just skip the scheduled parties and save myself the effort.

 

[Fritzo]

Fritzo,

Our neighborhood does something similar. I went once and it was .... meh...I met a few people, and I tried to socialize with everyone, but I just wasn't thrilled with it all. I'm far from anti-social, but these gatherings just didn't do it for me. They always seem to try too hard, and it's too mentally draining for me. Not being a fan of fakeness, I decided to just skip the scheduled parties and save myself the effort.

I think we're on the same page here. Growing less guilty by the day. Almost reaching "going to call the police with a noise complaint on party day" levels in fact

 

[Torn Mind]

ITT:
Old man rages against crazy rich northwest Ohioans.

 

[BudAshes]

I think we're on the same page here. Growing less guilty by the day. Almost reaching "going to call the police with a noise complaint on party day" levels in fact

Release flyers on the shady side of town stating there will be free food and pony rides!

 

[Perknose]

I really don't want to rag on the genuine concerns of posters here whom I respect, but I'll just say this for myself: I really do like people.

Irl, I can and do get along with just about everyone. For me, this is effortless. I know at least something about a wide range of topics, and can always find ways to engage others. Again, I have to stress, this is not WORK for me. It comes easily and naturally, something I realize is not the case for a lot you folks here.

I avoid politics, of course, and never, ever take the bait if someone else doesn't. I have my views, my values, but I don't ever feel the need to impose them on strangers (except in the thunderdome of P&N!) That never goes anywhere good, and no one's mind gets changed during what almost always ends up as a heated, red-faced exchange with guys shouting past each other.

Other than that, I am genuinely curious about what makes other people tick. I can get just about anyone talking, and in depth, and again, again, again, this happens with no undue effort or burden on my part.

One might say I'm sort of an on-the-ground cultural anthropologist. That, and having little real life fear, is probably what made me a really good P.I.

I bring my sense of fun and adventure to any event I attend, and can always manage to have an effortlessly decent time.