another thread for me to get flamed in...

[caitlion]

Originally posted by: Svnla
Caitlion, it will be your life so it is up to you when you are 18 years old and move out on your own. I think your dad just want you to delay that decision and go to college for a degree. BTW, it will not be easy to move in and live together with your SO without daddy/mommy support. Just sit down and talk with him, how about a compromise? You will move in with your b/f and you will go to college and finish it. Everyone will live happy ever after ***Happy music playing***

he already knows my feelings about college. thats not an issue anymore. but yes, i definitely want his support. especially since hes the only one who really understands my desire to move out and be independent. my mom, her bf, my best friends mom, and her bf all think its ridiculous to want to move out... since when is trying not being dependent on your parents a bad thing? but thats a whole other topic.

 

[caitlion]

Originally posted by: 1YellowPeril
As for your brother being allowed to do it, but not you--I think that has to do with the old-fashioned thinking that a woman has more to lose than a man if things don't work out.

Do you have any girlfriends with whom to share a house/apt? This would help you establish independence without the co-habitation problem. Perhaps after your engagement, you can then move in with boy. Weren't there studies that showed living together before a marriage did not improve the longevity of the marriage?

yes, im moving in with my best friend for a while first. which is why itll probably be a year or longer before i live with my boyfriend, and we will probably be engaged by then. there may have been studies, but i think that this will work better for us, and so does he

 

[Schadenfreude]

Well the thing is, and I'm assuming here, that you're planning on going to college . . . right? If you do, there's going to be a lot of things that you haven't experienced before - you'll get into different situations and meet new people - I don't profess to know your relationship with your b/f, but at the same time, lots of "highschool sweethearts" break up once they're in college. Now I'm not saying that you will, but if not, hey, what's the problem with holding back and waiting it out a little bit longer?

I agree with everyone here that you are a bit too young to make such a decision - but I think I have a different reason for it, I think; if you know for a fact that you've found "the one", I don't think age should be a factor (but then again, like a lot of others have said, this *might* be "puppy love") - but the bigger reason I think you shouldn't do this is because of those chances you'll miss because of living in with him - I'm not saying "chances for cheating" or some stupid things like that, but to actually have the freedom to live by yourself. It's hard to imagine, but your freetime will be severely drained because of living with him, more than simply "dating" him.

If you do decide to live with him, you'll miss a lot of opportunities that'll come and pass - and if your b/f and you are together for the rest of your life, I think there's no problem with holding back a few years to try out what you always wanted to, while living by yourself.

 

[pulse8]

Originally posted by: caitlion

Originally posted by: Jzero

Originally posted by: caitlion

Originally posted by: pulse8
I think you should keep your mouth shut until you're actually going to do it.

You're 17??

Keep your mouth shut until you know what you're talking about!

i dont know what im talking about because im 17? you guys are way too judgemental about age.

Because we've been there and realize now that you don't know jack about anything when you are 17, but you think you do. If I married the girl I was dating when I was 17?!?! *SHUDDER*

but see im NOT marrying him when im 17. we are getting engaged when im 18-19 and moving in together somewhere around then, too. we will get married when we are ready, financially and otherwise. im sure it will not be for a few years.

Just because of the things that you say we can tell that you're a naive 17 year old. You don't know what you're getting into and it'll be a task alone to remain with this guy for the next 3 years.

 

[waggy]

Originally posted by: caitlion

Originally posted by: Jzero

Originally posted by: caitlion

Originally posted by: pulse8
I think you should keep your mouth shut until you're actually going to do it.

You're 17??

Keep your mouth shut until you know what you're talking about!

i dont know what im talking about because im 17? you guys are way too judgemental about age.

Because we've been there and realize now that you don't know jack about anything when you are 17, but you think you do. If I married the girl I was dating when I was 17?!?! *SHUDDER*

but see I'm NOT marrying him when I'm 17. we are getting engaged when I'm 18-19 and moving in together somewhere around then, too. we will get married when we are ready, financially and otherwise. I'm sure it will not be for a few years.

Don't you watch Judge Judy? they alway have girls like you who "Love" there boyfriend and move in with them. Then they do something stupid like buy him a 2k stereo system. The boyfriend then cheats on her or something. Then the girl is screwed out of the money.

At 17 i would stay home or move in with a friend. DO not move in with a boyfriend until you are ready. like at age 23+ preferably after college if possible.

Do not put yourself in a situation where you can get screwed. You may think he wont do that but do not put it past him.

But anyway. I moved in with my GF (now wife) when she was 19 and i was 23. We got married 2 years latter.

 

Originally posted by: caitlion

Originally posted by: Svnla
Caitlion, it will be your life so it is up to you when you are 18 years old and move out on your own. I think your dad just want you to delay that decision and go to college for a degree. BTW, it will not be easy to move in and live together with your SO without daddy/mommy support. Just sit down and talk with him, how about a compromise? You will move in with your b/f and you will go to college and finish it. Everyone will live happy ever after ***Happy music playing***

he already knows my feelings about college. thats not an issue anymore. but yes, i definitely want his support. especially since hes the only one who really understands my desire to move out and be independent. my mom, her bf, my best friends mom, and her bf all think its ridiculous to want to move out... since when is trying not being dependent on your parents a bad thing? but thats a whole other topic.

trying to be independant is a good thing. I think most, if not all of us would agree. However, the way you are going about this is self-destructive. I've talked about marrage when I was 16 and 17...I thought I was in love with "the one." HAH! Fat chance of that. If you truly have "the one" with you now, great. There is NO NEED to rush things. You can still be independant AND please your father. Move into a house with a couple female friends. Wait until 2 or 3 years of college before considering your options. Going to a university is a whole different ballgame. I thought I knew everything when I left high school, I couldnt have been more wrong. I still dont know everything, and never will. However, 1 year of college can change your perspective on many issues, including this one. If he is the one, he will be there when you are a junior or senior. But do yourself a favor and give it some time.

 

[caitlion]

Originally posted by: Jehovah
Well the thing is, and I'm assuming here, that you're planning on going to college . . . right? If you do, there's going to be a lot of things that you haven't experienced before - you'll get into different situations and meet new people - I don't profess to know your relationship with your b/f, but at the same time, lots of "highschool sweethearts" break up once they're in college. Now I'm not saying that you will, but if not, hey, what's the problem with holding back and waiting it out a little bit longer?

I agree with everyone here that you are a bit too young to make such a decision - but I think I have a different reason for it, I think; if you know for a fact that you've found "the one", I don't think age should be a factor (but then again, like a lot of others have said, this *might* be "puppy love&quot - but the bigger reason I think you shouldn't do this is because of those chances you'll miss because of living in with him - I'm not saying "chances for cheating" or some stupid things like that, but to actually have the freedom to live by yourself. It's hard to imagine, but your freetime will be severely drained because of living with him, more than simply "dating" him.

If you do decide to live with him, you'll miss a lot of opportunities that'll come and pass - and if your b/f and you are together for the rest of your life, I think there's no problem with holding back a few years to try out what you always wanted to, while living by yourself.

that does make a lot of sense, and is part of the reason im moving in with friends first. but.. no i dont have much planned for college at the moment. maybe a couple classes of general education at the community college a couple semesters until i figure out what i really want to do.. but mostly work for now. (well after i graduate high school :-/)

 

[SP33Demon]

Studies DO show that cohabition increases the odds of a divorce. Why? Because it devalues the institution of marraige. For example, if I'm living with you for x years, and we decide to get married, then it's just a formalized process and nothing special. Nothing to look forward to, somehow earning it by showing discipline and NOT living together is actually better for the marraige, you will respect the institution more. I told my g/f that if we do live together, I demand that we have separate rooms and not sleep in the same bed (only when times will call for it *evil*). That way, Illl have something look forward to when we do get married (moving into a new house together, sleeping in the same bed every night).

My .02

 

[Svnla]

Originally posted by: caitlion

he already knows my feelings about college. thats not an issue anymore. but yes, i definitely want his support. especially since hes the only one who really understands my desire to move out and be independent. my mom, her bf, my best friends mom, and her bf all think its ridiculous to want to move out... since when is trying not being dependent on your parents a bad thing? but thats a whole other topic.

It is good to hear that you are planning to go to college. I agree with some posters that you may need to check out things in life before you settle down for good. Explore the world and expanse your mind. We don't know how strong your relationship with you b/f but if both of you love each other that much, why not just put it on hold and make sure both of you are ready (emotionally and financially). One thing to live at home and have your b/f stopping by and it is another thing to live together days after days (when you married a person, you married his bad habits, his family, his friends, his hobbies, on and on). The number one reason for divorce is $$$$. We are not trying to scare you, we are just giving you advices because we are a bit older than you and we ***been there, done that** and don't want youngings to make the same mistakes that we did.

 

[classy]

caitlion

I wish you were about 20 before you get caught up in thinking about this. I am the father of 2 girls so I'm a lot more in tune with you young ladies. Just give yourself some time. And let me give you some real advice about what your asking. The truth is you don't have to live with someone to really know them. As a matter of fact most folks move in together hoping the person they know in their heart sucks is really a great person afterall. The heart doesn't lie. You'll know when a person is cohabitable. It sounds corny but you'll just know. When a person says to me they want to live with someone to see if its right, I already they are out in left field. See the test drive method only works with cars, trust me sweetheart, don't believe the hype. Don't rob yourself of those wonderful times learning how to live with someone who you have made real commitment to. Those are fun times. Good luck in your decision.

 

[SP33Demon]

Originally posted by: classy
caitlion

I wish you were about 20 before you get caught up in thinking about this. I am the father of 2 girls so I'm a lot more in tune with you young ladies. Just give yourself some time. And let me give you some real advice about what your asking. The truth is you don't have to live with someone to really know them. As a matter of fact most folks move in together hoping the person they know in heart their sucks is really a great person afterall. The heart doesn't lie. You'll know when a person is cohabitable. It sounds corny but you'll just know. When a person says to me they want to live with someone to see if its right, I already they are out in left field. See the test drive method only works with cars, trust me sweetheart, don't believe the hype. Don't rob yourself of those wonderful times learning how to live with someone who have made real commitment to. Those are fun times. Good luck in your decision.

Good advice from a father. I think if you are engaged, then fine. Or if you KNOW you will be engaged soon, and this person is "the one". At this point, you don't have to test anything... you know you would do anything for them and they for you, and marraige will be coming soon after the engagement.

 

[Draknor]

A couple of comments -

Caitlion, don't take it personally, but for those of us who are a few years older (I'm 23), you realize you do a LOT of growing up in your late teens / early twenties. I felt I was very mature for my age (still do, really ), but looking back I see there was still a lot I needed to live through, just to have those experiences and understand some of life's challenges. Obviously every situation is different, but if you are seriously talking about marriage, you & your bf need to ask yourselves "Why right now?" or "Why next year?" It's a trick question, really - if you're afraid one or both of you might find someone else, then your relationship isn't strong enough to support a marriage. If your relationship IS strong enough, then there's no harm in waiting a few years for both of you to grow & mature a bit more. I got engaged when I was 22 and my gf (now fiancee) was 21. That was after we'd be dating for 3 years, and we'll have been engaged for almost 2 years before actually getting married. If the marriage is going to work, it's a big committment, and you don't want to just jump into it lightly.

Which brings me to my next point - living together. Here's how I've heard it described: If you are living together with the intent to eventually get married, and "testing the waters", so to speak, it's really a losing game because you are, consciously or unconsciously, looking for flaws or weaknesses in the other person. The fact is, no one is perfect. Living together will eventually show each person's flaws & weaknesses. If you are (seriously) married, you have a committment to each other, and you will probably try much harder to work around each other's shortcomings. If you are just living together, you won't be so inclined to work things out, and so the relationship fails (sometimes messy, especially if there are children or lots of shared assets involved).

The point is, you can know someone pretty totally without living with them. It just takes time - the more time you spend dating, the more situations you find yourselves in and the more you learn about one another. You shouldn't need a "trial period" of living together; if you do, you haven't been dating long enough to really know the other person.

 

[Palek]

Draknor, great input! caitlion, listen to him!

 

[melly]

I thought you and your 'bf' were in the process of breaking up? Nobody in an unhappy relationship "plans on getting engaged" a year down the road, so wtf! You can't just state that all the while oblivious to a relationship falling apart. So why worry about it now when you don't even know what's going to happen?

 

[Greyd]

Here's some interesting statistics about the higher rate of divorce for couples who live together prior to marriage.

Text

 

[Balt]

Fathers are far more protective of their daughters than their sons.

I thought this was common knowledge.

And before you say it's unfair, you should remember that daughters get a hell of a lot of perks that sons don't get.

 

[iotone]

Originally posted by: Greyd
Here's some interesting statistics about the higher rate of divorce for couples who live together prior to marriage.

Text

i had always heard about this, thanks for some stats on it...

for me personally, i wouldn't really want to move in together before i got married... i had always thought that moving in together after marriage put you in a position where you have to learn about each other's habits and compromise... it's like a foundation for the bigger things in your marriage, ya know?? you gotta learn to talk and compromise about the little things first before you get to the big things...

i also like what sp33demon said, i think that's another good reason...

btw, as a recent grad from college, even if you don't know what you plan on doing later, it's a good idea to go, because there's so many free flowing ideas and things to do and interesting people to meet, there's something there to inspire you...

just my .02

 

[SP33Demon]

So what have you decided to do Caitlion?

 

[slightlyhuman]

caitlon, no offense but you lean on others opinions to much






you know ATOT is gonna have smart ass opinoins that you dont wanna hear.

DO what YOU what to do, not your dad, dont worry about everyone elses opinions and if it will make them happy. Just make sure it makes you happy no matter if its right or wrong in ones eye.

Im not flaming you just trying to give you advice.




gl

 

[CChaos]

Please don't think about moving in with your boyfriend or getting married when you are 17. Just live and be 17.

 

[Hammer]

wait til you're done with HS and are moving out on your parents anyway. problem solved.

 

[Warthog912]

Originally posted by: MattCo
I think if more people lived together before getting married, the divorce rate would drop.

Just my .02 though.

-MC

totally agree. I'm 20, my gf and I have been together for almost 6 years. Yet we practically live together, she spends 98% of her time w/me or at my house. When we went to college away from home for 1 year. We pretty much did live together (although I had a dorm, whole nother story there though ) It is TOTALLY different seeing some one a few hours a day and spending 12-14 hours a day with them. My advice is to truely get to know them before you make a decision like this. Once made, feelings may be hurt, so be careful.

 

[MomAndSkoorbaby]

I once read a report on marriage and divorce rates...one of the indicators for failed marriages was living together before becoming married....kinda ironic eh?

 

[Kadarin]

I generally hate the application of double standards, but we have two factors that your dad might be looking at. One is that you're his daughter instead of his son, and he's treating you differently because of that. The other is your age versus that of your brother. The first is not fair, while the second has merit. I can't help feeling that at the age of 17, it's not the best idea to plan too far ahead. In 2-3 years, you'll be such a different person that you won't recognize yourself.

 

[StageLeft]

Your brother has already screwed himself over by knocking up his gf, so moving in at that point seems more reasonable. You've not gotten yourself pregnant, so your link to your bf is much weaker, and your dad would probably be damned before seeing another one of his children engage in a pre-planned pregnancy - something that is more likely to happen if you're living in sin with your bf away from the house.

Naturally, it's also hard for a father to know that his daughter is off getting banged while he's watching tv in the evening.

Whether he's right or wrong, if it's really going to cause a lot of friction with your father I'd do what he says, even when you're 18. You could give him fair warning like "OK fine, we'll have it your way, but I don't want to hear any whining when I do it at 19, if I'm still with my bf". This puts it off for a year for him making him much more likely to agree, and you've already been with the bf for 3 years, so why not save on rent for another year yourself?

Marriage brings the element of true commitment. Living together doesn't. Its hard to explain but its just different.

Depends on the couple. Myself and mrsskoorb lived together for a while before being married, and found that the dynamics were similar to how they are now.

How come nobody has asked for pics of your brother's gf yet? :evil:

BTW, please, for the love of God go to college. If you don't realize how influential it will be on you in the future, that is because of your age of environment (probably not many in your family have been to college?). You're only 17. Chances are that you'll live another 6-7 decades. Holding off on "adult things" for a few more years while you attend school and things of that nature will have a profound effect on your future and that of your children.