another thread for me to get flamed in...

[caitlion]

i brought up moving in with my boyfriend at some point .... probably no sooner than a year ... and my dad got all mad and said something to the effect of we would "have problems" if that happened(my dad and i, not my bf and i)... what i dont get is that my brother practically lives with his gf.. shes 19, has a baby, and works at hooters. theyve been together a couple months. ive been with my bf a little over a year and a half and by the time we move in 2 1/2 to 3 years.. hes a really good guy, my parents like him a lot, he has a decent job. we plan on getting engaged and eventually married, but my dad feels that we should be married before we live together. i think the opposite, that you should live with someone a while before you get married so that you can work things out before marriage. anyway im starting to ramble. basically my problem is that they have not expressed any concern about my brother and his gf, yet it would make my dad very upset if i were to move in with my bf. maybe its just because im his little girl, but i still dont think that its fair. it would be a lot better situation than the one my brother is in for sure...

feel free to insult me, im sure you will.

 

[MattCo]

I think if more people lived together before getting married, the divorce rate would drop.

Just my .02 though.

-MC

 

[TheToOTaLL]

Originally posted by: caitlion
what i dont get is that my brother practically lives with his gf.. shes 19, has a baby, and works at hooters. theyve been together a couple months.

Is it just me, or does that statement remind anyone else of Big Daddy (the movie, with Adam Sandler).....

 

[matt426malm]

flamed no, smoked maybe

 

[caitlion]

Originally posted by: MattCo
I think if more people lived together before getting married, the divorce rate would drop.

Just my .02 though.

-MC

yeah.. him and my mom got divorced. so did my stepmom and her ex obviously. (they didnt live together before they were married, im not sure about my mom and dad)... still kinda ironic maybe?

 

how old are you?

 

[Eli]

Once you're an adult, your parents wishes simply become advice.

You're your own person. It's up to you what you do.

 

[rh71]

I think it's always a judgment call from the parents' point of view. I think I'd treat a daughter a bit differently also (yes, it sucks for her). My fiancee and I (notice not married yet) have been living together for more than a year now - even went to the extreme of buying a house together before marriage (but already engaged). Her mom did make a remark to her that she didn't like it, but it's not like she has control over her life after 18. She's just come to accept it. I think your dad will in due time, unless he likes to hold grudges. I mean your parents like the guy at least.

There is no hard rule - it's just something a parent feels one way or the other. And there definitely is a double standard, I don't know why you'd think otherwise. I know this and I'm about 2-3 years from being a potential father...

 

[classy]

Originally posted by: MattCo
I think if more people lived together before getting married, the divorce rate would drop.

Just my .02 though.

-MC

Not true. Being married and living together is totally different. I've done it both ways a couple of times. Its just different. Marriage brings the element of true commitment. Living together doesn't. Its hard to explain but its just different.

 

[caitlion]

Originally posted by: FallenHero
how old are you?

17, but i will be at least 18 when we move in together and/or get engaged. i realize that its not his decision once i am legally an adult, but i dont want to create problems either.

 

[pulse8]

I think you should keep your mouth shut until you're actually going to do it.

You're 17??

Keep your mouth shut until you know what you're talking about!

 

[rh71]

Originally posted by: classy

Originally posted by: MattCo
I think if more people lived together before getting married, the divorce rate would drop.

Just my .02 though.

-MC

Not true. Being married and living together is totally different. I've done it both ways a couple of times. Its just different. Marriage brings the element of true commitment. Living together doesn't. Its hard to explain but its just different.

I think it would. Without making it too much of a joke, it's like a test drive. Think about it... you get to really know how the person acts all the time, in his/her true form instead of a just for a few hours on a weekend or weeknight. When put together for days on end, even the bestest friend can realize they can't stand the person night in and night out.

 

[MattCo]

Originally posted by: classy

Originally posted by: MattCo I think if more people lived together before getting married, the divorce rate would drop. Just my .02 though. -MC

Not true. Being married and living together is totally different. I've done it both ways a couple of times. Its just different. Marriage brings the element of true commitment. Living together doesn't. Its hard to explain but its just different.

I dont know, it seems like too many people get married these days and treat it like a trial period. If they aren't on board one hundred percent they bail. At least with living together beforehand you can make sure sharing a living space with someone wont make you crazy.

-MC

 

[caitlion]

Originally posted by: classy

Originally posted by: MattCo
I think if more people lived together before getting married, the divorce rate would drop.

Just my .02 though.

-MC

Not true. Being married and living together is totally different. I've done it both ways a couple of times. Its just different. Marriage brings the element of true commitment. Living together doesn't. Its hard to explain but its just different.

im sure there is a big difference, but i think living together helps you to truly get to know the other person, and if you fix things before youre married it will probably have a better chance of lasting... or, if for some reason you find it wont work.. then its good that you figured it out before getting married.

 

Originally posted by: caitlion

Originally posted by: FallenHero
how old are you?

17, but i will be at least 18 when we move in together and/or get engaged. i realize that its not his decision once i am legally an adult, but i dont want to create problems either.

Perhaps you shouldnt even be thinking about it...im not much older than you, but there is a thing called "puppy love" and it has tricked many a teenager before, myself included.

Anyhow, I would at least follow pulse8's advice and not even bring it up until the time comes.

 

[caitlion]

Originally posted by: pulse8
I think you should keep your mouth shut until you're actually going to do it.

You're 17??

Keep your mouth shut until you know what you're talking about!

i dont know what im talking about because im 17? you guys are way too judgemental about age.

 

[Spoooon]

Originally posted by: MattCo
I think if more people lived together before getting married, the divorce rate would drop.

Just my .02 though.

-MC

Apparently that is correlated with higher divorce rates.

One thing that does decrease the divorce rate is premarital counseling.

 

[Jzero]

Originally posted by: caitlion

Originally posted by: pulse8
I think you should keep your mouth shut until you're actually going to do it.

You're 17??

Keep your mouth shut until you know what you're talking about!

i dont know what im talking about because im 17? you guys are way too judgemental about age.

Because we've been there and realize now that you don't know jack about anything when you are 17, but you think you do. If I married the girl I was dating when I was 17?!?! *SHUDDER*

 

[classy]

You know at 17 your kinda young yet to be talking about shacking up though, no offense. I got a daughter around your age so maybe I'm being a little fatherish.

 

[caitlion]

Originally posted by: Jzero

Originally posted by: caitlion

Originally posted by: pulse8
I think you should keep your mouth shut until you're actually going to do it.

You're 17??

Keep your mouth shut until you know what you're talking about!

i dont know what im talking about because im 17? you guys are way too judgemental about age.

Because we've been there and realize now that you don't know jack about anything when you are 17, but you think you do. If I married the girl I was dating when I was 17?!?! *SHUDDER*

but see im NOT marrying him when im 17. we are getting engaged when im 18-19 and moving in together somewhere around then, too. we will get married when we are ready, financially and otherwise. im sure it will not be for a few years.

 

[flxnimprtmscl]

Originally posted by: caitlion

Originally posted by: pulse8
I think you should keep your mouth shut until you're actually going to do it.

You're 17??

Keep your mouth shut until you know what you're talking about!

i dont know what im talking about because im 17? you guys are way too judgemental about age.

Hint: It's because we've been there before.

I'm with everyone else here. Just be quiet until the time comes. Then do whatever you'd like.

 

[caitlion]

oh.. btw.. in response to not saying anything to him about it until later.. that was my plan. it kinda slipped out. im not gonna discuss it with him until then, unless he brings it up. i just wanted some more opinions on it.

 

[Svnla]

Originally posted by: MattCo
I think if more people lived together before getting married, the divorce rate would drop.

Just my .02 though.

-MC

Actually, there was a study done a couple years ago showed people who lived together before marriage had the same rate of divorce or higher than people who didn't live together.

Caitlion, it will be your life so it is up to you when you are 18 years old and move out on your own. I think your dad just want you to delay that decision and go to college for a degree. BTW, it will not be easy to move in and live together with your SO without daddy/mommy support. Just sit down and talk with him, how about a compromise? You will move in with your b/f and you will go to college and finish it. Everyone will live happy ever after ***Happy music playing***

 

[flexy]

i think the fact that he is against it comes from that he actually is *not* happy what happened to your brother - and he feels he has to protcet you from the same mistake...

This even if i dont know anything about your familiy and your brothers relationship and how everything goes - i am just guessing.

Maybe he doesn't want to see you 'ending up' at hooters either with a kid on the hand....see it from the positive side....he cares about you ansd waits for more stability in your life...

 

[Banana]

As for your brother being allowed to do it, but not you--I think that has to do with the old-fashioned thinking that a woman has more to lose than a man if things don't work out.

Do you have any girlfriends with whom to share a house/apt? This would help you establish independence without the co-habitation problem. Perhaps after your engagement, you can then move in with boy. Weren't there studies that showed living together before a marriage did not improve the longevity of the marriage?