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Am I in the wrong?

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Well, then. I guess first of all you are comparing yourself and your relationship to someone else and one that ended. It's called being crass.

If you do get married and then divorced, you have no equity in the house. You move out, she does not have to buy you out. Chances are the market will pick up in the next 5 years. Also, you cannot write off anything on your taxes because esentially you are still renting. Financially, you lose again.

So...you can do anything you want. You do not have to pay for anything. However, this makes you a crass, financial idiot. And this is before we start on your personality.
 
Originally posted by: darkxshade
Originally posted by: Mxylplyx
I would have told her you will chip in for the renovations after the wedding date. Then a divorce court could have given you your money back if anything happens.
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Why even get married or engaged for that matter with that mentality?
Click to expand...

So not to have to come back and post a thread like I have seen several of about how girlfriend/wife spent a lot of money and now they are not getting anything as they co-signed, owe more then its worth, they are a dead beat and left me holding the bag, etc...

Before me and my wife married any work done she bought the stuff and i helped with the labor. She had always wanted recess lights so she bought them and I installed. She wanted a new car. I helped her look and found the car she bought, our 01 Corvette. I did, and do, all the repairs and maintaince. Before we married she paid for the parts and i did labor. Now I buy and do the work as its as much my car as it is hers.
I providied my part with labor and other support that would not cause me to lose a lot if she walked away from me at any time.


Theres a reason guys lose in court all the time, they are idiots and give money to women, co-sign, trust to much, etc... and get burned. I have never had that happen and me and my wife are very happy and expecting our first child March 2009.
 
While you're still just engaged, I think your position is reasonable. If after you get married you and your wife still look at the house as "her" house and you insist that she fully pay for any repairs and renovations, I don't think that's healthy.
 
When only one person in a relationship wants to merge finances, the person who doesn't is in a no-win situation.

I would say this: "I am sorry that you are upset that I don't want to put up-front money into the renovations, but you need to see my point too. I wanted to wait until we could do most of the work ourselves and not spend so much of the equity on contractors. It's your house and your money, so you got the final say. Remember that I'm willing to share in the payments on the home equity loan, I'm just not comfortable with paying a large chunk of it up front. Maybe that's irrational, but after what happened to my brother I'm just nervous about it."

The one position I would NOT take is telling her that holding on to your money is financial common sense. At that point you're telling her that money is more important than your relationship.
 
You have made the right choice. I wouldn't be putting money into the house unless you were already married. I'd also reason that I'd like to save up some money first. If she wants to do renovations even against your wishes, then she should be willing to pay 100%.

A better reasoning might be that after you are married, you pay for some renovations. Kind of like, she pays for renovations currently, and then you pay for renovations later. There are many renovation projects, no reason they can't be split up along a timeframe that is beneficial to all.

If she can't understand that, then try talking her through your reasoning once more, then just drop it.

 
Originally posted by: Marlin1975
Originally posted by: darkxshade
Originally posted by: Mxylplyx
I would have told her you will chip in for the renovations after the wedding date. Then a divorce court could have given you your money back if anything happens.
Click to expand...

Why even get married or engaged for that matter with that mentality?
Click to expand...

So not to have to come back and post a thread like I have seen several of about how girlfriend/wife spent a lot of money and now they are not getting anything as they co-signed, owe more then its worth, they are a dead beat and left me holding the bag, etc...

Before me and my wife married any work done she bought the stuff and i helped with the labor. She had always wanted recess lights so she bought them and I installed. She wanted a new car. I helped her look and found the car she bought, our 01 Corvette. I did, and do, all the repairs and maintaince. Before we married she paid for the parts and i did labor. Now I buy and do the work as its as much my car as it is hers.
I providied my part with labor and other support that would not cause me to lose a lot if she walked away from me at any time.


Theres a reason guys lose in court all the time, they are idiots and give money to women, co-sign, trust to much, etc... and get burned. I have never had that happen and me and my wife are very happy and expecting our first child March 2009.
Click to expand...



Well to be honest you're right, a lot of marriages fail and the guys get screwed but I am on the camp that believe you go into a marriage with the best of intentions. And while it may not turn out the way one might expect, the marriage that starts out with so little trust usually are the ones that don't end well so I guess what I'm trying to say is that perhaps the OP had already given up on the marriage before it even happened which ironically works out for him because he's already thinking about protecting himself from getting screwed.
 
Originally posted by: darkxshade
I can see this marriage not lasting too long 😛
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That is my first observation to.

Having done multiple renovations, I will say the following.

If you have one full bathroom, you need to do the whole house at once or you will be bathroomless for several months.

If you have multiple bathrooms, you might as well do one of them while the kitchen is done. Do the other one later on when you have some spare change.

Don't pay anyone to do crown mouldings. Do them on your own. It isn't that hard and it is actually fun and a sort of hobby.

Don't pay people to paint. A 12x12 room needs one gallon of paint that costs $25. Paying someone to paint is like burning money.

A full bathroom probably should cost $7,000. Any more than that and she got screwed. The kitchen depends on the size, but it shouldn't be much more than $30K. If she paid $50K to do the kitchen, she got screwed unless it is 600 sqft or something.

The thing is, how big is your house. If you are a 2000 sqft ranch, you should be able to do everything you said (assuming one full bathroom) for about $70K. This also assume that the plywood on the roof needed replacement.

If she spent $100K on this crap and you had no input into the project because of your own arrogance, realize that it is YOUR DEBT TO. So, enjoy knowing you could have had the same work done and gotten a BMW 3 series out of the deal for the same price.

Sop, congrats on what appears to be a failed marriage down the road.
 
You have chosen correctly. I can't say I did that before my wife and I got married. We bought a house (albeit in my name) and we both contributed...me maybe more...but we still both contributed. At the same time...I would not have gotten my panties in a wad if she had balked at the idea...she was willingly putting faith in our relationship.
 
Call me "old fashioned" but you made the commitment and moved in. That was probably an "I do" in her mind. If you're getting married, help her out.
 
Originally posted by: toekramp
From what I've learned (having been married, now divorced), if you have to ask if you're "in the wrong", you usually are (even when logically you are not)
Click to expand...

How long have you been divorced...I feel like I remember you saying you were getting married only a few years ago...
 
Originally posted by: IHateMyJob2004
Originally posted by: darkxshade
I can see this marriage not lasting too long 😛
Click to expand...

That is my first observation to.

Having done multiple renovations, I will say the following.

If you have one full bathroom, you need to do the whole house at once or you will be bathroomless for several months.

If you have multiple bathrooms, you might as well do one of them while the kitchen is done. Do the other one later on when you have some spare change.

Don't pay anyone to do crown mouldings. Do them on your own. It isn't that hard and it is actually fun and a sort of hobby.

Don't pay people to paint. A 12x12 room needs one gallon of paint that costs $25. Paying someone to paint is like burning money.

A full bathroom probably should cost $7,000. Any more than that and she got screwed. The kitchen depends on the size, but it shouldn't be much more than $30K. If she paid $50K to do the kitchen, she got screwed unless it is 600 sqft or something.

The thing is, how big is your house. If you are a 2000 sqft ranch, you should be able to do everything you said (assuming one full bathroom) for about $70K. This also assume that the plywood on the roof needed replacement.

If she spent $100K on this crap and you had no input into the project because of your own arrogance, realize that it is YOUR DEBT TO. So, enjoy knowing you could have had the same work done and gotten a BMW 3 series out of the deal for the same price.

Sop, congrats on what appears to be a failed marriage down the road.
Click to expand...

lol i was thinking the same thing but didn't have it in me to tell him.
 
at the end of the day, you need to come to some sort of compromise with this woman if you are gonig to marry her. I understand your viewpoint... you are being asked to sink your money into something that you have no legal ownership in. However, from her perspective, she is investing a large sum of money into the home to improve it, and you will benefit from the improvements without investing any time/money into them.

Have you talked about what is going to happen after you get married? Will your name go onto the loan/deed at some point? Have you talked about how you will handle money after you are married? I think that the decisions you make as a couple on how you will handle finances will help determine what the best course of action is in this situation. One thing to keep in mind is that she may not have had any interest in doing the rennovations herself.

If I were in your shoes, I would have suggested fixing up and selling the fiance's home and finding/buying a home together. That way the house isn't "hers", but rather belongs to the both of you as a couple. If that isn't an option, if she has cashed the equity out on the house, I think this may be the perfect time to start splitting the load payments so you can effectively buy in to the equity of the house. Figure out and set up a payment plan to make this transition fair to both of you financially.

 
pay her monthly rent.. you'd have to pay rent living in an apt by yourself right? you pay rent and a portion of the other bills, the house stays in her name.

Btw, any decent lawyer can find a way to make sure that if you kick in big money towards the renovations after you are married that you get some form of repayment plus profit if you should divorce or the house is sold.
 
Originally posted by: PricklyPete
Originally posted by: toekramp
From what I've learned (having been married, now divorced), if you have to ask if you're "in the wrong", you usually are (even when logically you are not)
Click to expand...

How long have you been divorced...I feel like I remember you saying you were getting married only a few years ago...
Click to expand...

Good memory! Married @ 23, divorced @ 25, and I'm currently 28.
 
I had a friend who just went through this. His fiancee moved in, they renovated like crazy, and the wedding was called off three days before it was supposed to occur. They are no longer together and are trying to figure out how to even the money situation out.
 
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
pay her monthly rent.. you'd have to pay rent living in an apt by yourself right? you pay rent and a portion of the other bills, the house stays in her name.
Click to expand...

See, that's what I thought I was going to do. Pay rent. When we talked about moving into the house her monthly mortgage was $1200/month. Since we're, and we want to continue to be, financially independant of each other (no shared accounts). I was more than happy w/ paying 1/2 her mortgage and 1/2 the utlities. Essentially, I would be paying rent.

Makes sense right?

Then she decided to do all these renovations, pay off her student loans and some other debt and pay for all these by cashing-out equity on her place. Now she's upset with me that I'm balking at splitting to pay for these renovations. I didn't have a say on how and when these renovations were going to be done. Heck, I tried, but my suggestions were shot down so I stopped. I figured, it's her money, she can do what she wants.

It's overwhelming. I figured our next house...the house that's in our name, will be split 50/50.

We have a good relationship...I just don't believe in faith, she knows that. I'm very analytical and look at this as financial idiocy.

😀

 
Until you're married, you don't owe her a dime on her house and the renovations. Tell her you'll stop putting out if she doesn't agree 😛
 
Originally posted by: Nutdotnet
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
pay her monthly rent.. you'd have to pay rent living in an apt by yourself right? you pay rent and a portion of the other bills, the house stays in her name.
Click to expand...

See, that's what I thought I was going to do. Pay rent. When we talked about moving into the house her monthly mortgage was $1200/month. Since we're, and we want to continue to be, financially independant of each other (no shared accounts). I was more than happy w/ paying 1/2 her mortgage and 1/2 the utlities. Essentially, I would be paying rent.

Makes sense right?

Then she decided to do all these renovations, pay off her student loans and some other debt and pay for all these by cashing-out equity on her place. Now she's upset with me that I'm balking at splitting to pay for these renovations. I didn't have a say on how and when these renovations were going to be done. Heck, I tried, but my suggestions were shot down so I stopped. I figured, it's her money, she can do what she wants.

It's overwhelming. I figured our next house...the house that's in our name, will be split 50/50.

We have a good relationship...I just don't believe in faith, she knows that. I'm very analytical and look at this as financial idiocy.

😀
Click to expand...

So... when you buy that next house, you'll no doubt be using equity from her current house as part of the down payment. Is it really 50/50 then? When you have kids, are you going to split their expenses 50/50 too? Is 50% of the mortgage fair market value for the rent? Maybe she could get more by renting it to someone else, especially if she throws in the sex too.
 
Originally posted by: RagingBITCH
Until you're married, you don't owe her a dime on her house and the renovations. Tell her you'll stop putting out if she doesn't agree 😛
Click to expand...

Fail!!!

I will gladly fill that void in the interim. 😛
 
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