- Jul 16, 2001
- 7,565
- 150
- 106
Hey All,
It's been a while since I've regularly posted in ATOT, but this has been nagging at me and I feel like I need to get it out there and get some fresh perspectives. Truthfully a little nervous opening up to strangers, but if some friendly anonymous advice could help me, I think it's worth a shot, so here goes nothing...
I (34m) feel like I've really been struggling lately with just going through my normal day to day. A little background on me; I work in a technology job as a lead programmer analyst. The work is challenging, but right now it's not very stressful, and the pay is good for where I live (FL). That is to say, it's a decent job. I'm in a great long term relationship with a wonderful woman, going on 4 years now. We have no debt or money issues, and our home life is stable. My car works, the home isn't in disrepair, and there's nothing major going on right now that should be causing me any worry. I've got a great circle of friends, whom I hang out with pretty regularly, probably 1-2 times a week, and my relationship with my family, which includes a younger brother and two sisters, is pretty good/close. I don't have any kids, so the gf and I spend quite a lot of time traveling. My favorite place to visit is anywhere in the Appalachians of NC or VA, but recently we've been getting out there by taking trips to Canada and England over the past year. I would definitely say traveling is a great hobby/enjoyment of mine, and I don't feel like I'm not getting enough of it. When I'm not hanging out with friends, I could either be at an OCSC soccer match or attending a UCF football game (Go Knights!). Other things I enjoy doing are kayaking and paddle boarding. When I'm at home, it's usually relaxing watching some TV, maybe playing a game or two, or reading a book.
In short, pretty normal. But, when I lay down to go to bed at night, sometimes I'm up for hours just replaying all the mistakes I've made or negative experiences I've been through in my head. I don't know why, but it keeps me up at night. I'm constantly tired during the day because I don't get enough sleep. The last time I tried to remedy that with caffeine and energy drinks, I wound up on the ground for 30 mins twitching with a panic attack, feeling like I couldn't breathe and was going to die. So, I stopped drinking that stuff, and it hasn't happened again. I'd say that I've probably experienced some major changes in my life over the past 5 years. In 2014, I divorced my wife, and while it wasn't necessarily messy, it was painful for both parties. I still feel somewhat guilty to this day about it, even despite the fact that we are now both doing great in different relationships. Several months after that, one of my good friends committed suicide, and between those two events, I had a hard time coping. It took some therapy and group help to get myself back into a semi-decent place where I was functioning well again. Several months after that was when I started a new relationship with my current gf.
Fast forward to 2017, and work started getting stressful. I was promoted from programmer analyst to lead (current position) due to great reviews/feedback from my boss, and my work hours drastically went up. What was once an average of 42-44 hours a week became 50-55. I stuck through it, and in mid 2018 they again promoted me to a technology manager. I was rewarded by being moved to another team, working on a brand new project I had no familiarity with, that I had to help design and implement. I'm sure many of you have been in that position, but needless to say, the usual lack of resources and a shortened timeline did not help and we had a rough implementation for 1/1/2019. I was now working about 65-70 hours a week on a pretty rough project with no end in sight. Coupled with not sleeping well, I was really exhausted around this time, which coincided with my previously mentioned increased take of caffeine and subsequent panic attack.
I went on FMLA back on 2/1/2019 to take care of my body and my mental health. I was seeing a general practitioner, cardiologist, and psychiatrist for the next couple months. After discussion with my psychiatrist, he said that I basically petered myself out by taking on too many promotions too quickly and working so many hours, and that it had to stop when I came back. Plus, he told me to cut out the caffeine. I agreed with him after realizing I didn't want anything to do with being a manager, and that he was just right in general. We made a plan with my boss to put me back into my old position of lead programmer when I came back, which was executed as promised when I returned to work in April. So far, so good. The work has been what I expected, it's more aligned with what I enjoy, and my work hours are now back to 42-44 hours a week.
So what's the problem? Well, I'm struggling to answer that question. The divorce was 5 years ago, and the issues with work have been pretty much resolved. There's nothing going on in my personal life that's causing me any stress or grief. Yet, I still lie awake in bed, sometimes for hours at a time, either feeling bad for all the dumb things I've done in the past 20 years, or feeling like I let folks down by going on medical leave for 3 months and coming back to essentially demote myself. I almost feel bad that I'm not working insane hours to help the team, but I know that feeling is silly. I just don't get it. Am I going crazy, or just going through a bit of a down period due to the recent changes in my life? I really appreciate anyone taking the time to read this and respond.
It's been a while since I've regularly posted in ATOT, but this has been nagging at me and I feel like I need to get it out there and get some fresh perspectives. Truthfully a little nervous opening up to strangers, but if some friendly anonymous advice could help me, I think it's worth a shot, so here goes nothing...
I (34m) feel like I've really been struggling lately with just going through my normal day to day. A little background on me; I work in a technology job as a lead programmer analyst. The work is challenging, but right now it's not very stressful, and the pay is good for where I live (FL). That is to say, it's a decent job. I'm in a great long term relationship with a wonderful woman, going on 4 years now. We have no debt or money issues, and our home life is stable. My car works, the home isn't in disrepair, and there's nothing major going on right now that should be causing me any worry. I've got a great circle of friends, whom I hang out with pretty regularly, probably 1-2 times a week, and my relationship with my family, which includes a younger brother and two sisters, is pretty good/close. I don't have any kids, so the gf and I spend quite a lot of time traveling. My favorite place to visit is anywhere in the Appalachians of NC or VA, but recently we've been getting out there by taking trips to Canada and England over the past year. I would definitely say traveling is a great hobby/enjoyment of mine, and I don't feel like I'm not getting enough of it. When I'm not hanging out with friends, I could either be at an OCSC soccer match or attending a UCF football game (Go Knights!). Other things I enjoy doing are kayaking and paddle boarding. When I'm at home, it's usually relaxing watching some TV, maybe playing a game or two, or reading a book.
In short, pretty normal. But, when I lay down to go to bed at night, sometimes I'm up for hours just replaying all the mistakes I've made or negative experiences I've been through in my head. I don't know why, but it keeps me up at night. I'm constantly tired during the day because I don't get enough sleep. The last time I tried to remedy that with caffeine and energy drinks, I wound up on the ground for 30 mins twitching with a panic attack, feeling like I couldn't breathe and was going to die. So, I stopped drinking that stuff, and it hasn't happened again. I'd say that I've probably experienced some major changes in my life over the past 5 years. In 2014, I divorced my wife, and while it wasn't necessarily messy, it was painful for both parties. I still feel somewhat guilty to this day about it, even despite the fact that we are now both doing great in different relationships. Several months after that, one of my good friends committed suicide, and between those two events, I had a hard time coping. It took some therapy and group help to get myself back into a semi-decent place where I was functioning well again. Several months after that was when I started a new relationship with my current gf.
Fast forward to 2017, and work started getting stressful. I was promoted from programmer analyst to lead (current position) due to great reviews/feedback from my boss, and my work hours drastically went up. What was once an average of 42-44 hours a week became 50-55. I stuck through it, and in mid 2018 they again promoted me to a technology manager. I was rewarded by being moved to another team, working on a brand new project I had no familiarity with, that I had to help design and implement. I'm sure many of you have been in that position, but needless to say, the usual lack of resources and a shortened timeline did not help and we had a rough implementation for 1/1/2019. I was now working about 65-70 hours a week on a pretty rough project with no end in sight. Coupled with not sleeping well, I was really exhausted around this time, which coincided with my previously mentioned increased take of caffeine and subsequent panic attack.
I went on FMLA back on 2/1/2019 to take care of my body and my mental health. I was seeing a general practitioner, cardiologist, and psychiatrist for the next couple months. After discussion with my psychiatrist, he said that I basically petered myself out by taking on too many promotions too quickly and working so many hours, and that it had to stop when I came back. Plus, he told me to cut out the caffeine. I agreed with him after realizing I didn't want anything to do with being a manager, and that he was just right in general. We made a plan with my boss to put me back into my old position of lead programmer when I came back, which was executed as promised when I returned to work in April. So far, so good. The work has been what I expected, it's more aligned with what I enjoy, and my work hours are now back to 42-44 hours a week.
So what's the problem? Well, I'm struggling to answer that question. The divorce was 5 years ago, and the issues with work have been pretty much resolved. There's nothing going on in my personal life that's causing me any stress or grief. Yet, I still lie awake in bed, sometimes for hours at a time, either feeling bad for all the dumb things I've done in the past 20 years, or feeling like I let folks down by going on medical leave for 3 months and coming back to essentially demote myself. I almost feel bad that I'm not working insane hours to help the team, but I know that feeling is silly. I just don't get it. Am I going crazy, or just going through a bit of a down period due to the recent changes in my life? I really appreciate anyone taking the time to read this and respond.