Am I going crazy, or just feeling a bit down?

Avalon

Diamond Member
Jul 16, 2001
7,565
150
106
Hey All,

It's been a while since I've regularly posted in ATOT, but this has been nagging at me and I feel like I need to get it out there and get some fresh perspectives. Truthfully a little nervous opening up to strangers, but if some friendly anonymous advice could help me, I think it's worth a shot, so here goes nothing...

I (34m) feel like I've really been struggling lately with just going through my normal day to day. A little background on me; I work in a technology job as a lead programmer analyst. The work is challenging, but right now it's not very stressful, and the pay is good for where I live (FL). That is to say, it's a decent job. I'm in a great long term relationship with a wonderful woman, going on 4 years now. We have no debt or money issues, and our home life is stable. My car works, the home isn't in disrepair, and there's nothing major going on right now that should be causing me any worry. I've got a great circle of friends, whom I hang out with pretty regularly, probably 1-2 times a week, and my relationship with my family, which includes a younger brother and two sisters, is pretty good/close. I don't have any kids, so the gf and I spend quite a lot of time traveling. My favorite place to visit is anywhere in the Appalachians of NC or VA, but recently we've been getting out there by taking trips to Canada and England over the past year. I would definitely say traveling is a great hobby/enjoyment of mine, and I don't feel like I'm not getting enough of it. When I'm not hanging out with friends, I could either be at an OCSC soccer match or attending a UCF football game (Go Knights!). Other things I enjoy doing are kayaking and paddle boarding. When I'm at home, it's usually relaxing watching some TV, maybe playing a game or two, or reading a book.

In short, pretty normal. But, when I lay down to go to bed at night, sometimes I'm up for hours just replaying all the mistakes I've made or negative experiences I've been through in my head. I don't know why, but it keeps me up at night. I'm constantly tired during the day because I don't get enough sleep. The last time I tried to remedy that with caffeine and energy drinks, I wound up on the ground for 30 mins twitching with a panic attack, feeling like I couldn't breathe and was going to die. So, I stopped drinking that stuff, and it hasn't happened again. I'd say that I've probably experienced some major changes in my life over the past 5 years. In 2014, I divorced my wife, and while it wasn't necessarily messy, it was painful for both parties. I still feel somewhat guilty to this day about it, even despite the fact that we are now both doing great in different relationships. Several months after that, one of my good friends committed suicide, and between those two events, I had a hard time coping. It took some therapy and group help to get myself back into a semi-decent place where I was functioning well again. Several months after that was when I started a new relationship with my current gf.

Fast forward to 2017, and work started getting stressful. I was promoted from programmer analyst to lead (current position) due to great reviews/feedback from my boss, and my work hours drastically went up. What was once an average of 42-44 hours a week became 50-55. I stuck through it, and in mid 2018 they again promoted me to a technology manager. I was rewarded by being moved to another team, working on a brand new project I had no familiarity with, that I had to help design and implement. I'm sure many of you have been in that position, but needless to say, the usual lack of resources and a shortened timeline did not help and we had a rough implementation for 1/1/2019. I was now working about 65-70 hours a week on a pretty rough project with no end in sight. Coupled with not sleeping well, I was really exhausted around this time, which coincided with my previously mentioned increased take of caffeine and subsequent panic attack.

I went on FMLA back on 2/1/2019 to take care of my body and my mental health. I was seeing a general practitioner, cardiologist, and psychiatrist for the next couple months. After discussion with my psychiatrist, he said that I basically petered myself out by taking on too many promotions too quickly and working so many hours, and that it had to stop when I came back. Plus, he told me to cut out the caffeine. I agreed with him after realizing I didn't want anything to do with being a manager, and that he was just right in general. We made a plan with my boss to put me back into my old position of lead programmer when I came back, which was executed as promised when I returned to work in April. So far, so good. The work has been what I expected, it's more aligned with what I enjoy, and my work hours are now back to 42-44 hours a week.

So what's the problem? Well, I'm struggling to answer that question. The divorce was 5 years ago, and the issues with work have been pretty much resolved. There's nothing going on in my personal life that's causing me any stress or grief. Yet, I still lie awake in bed, sometimes for hours at a time, either feeling bad for all the dumb things I've done in the past 20 years, or feeling like I let folks down by going on medical leave for 3 months and coming back to essentially demote myself. I almost feel bad that I'm not working insane hours to help the team, but I know that feeling is silly. I just don't get it. Am I going crazy, or just going through a bit of a down period due to the recent changes in my life? I really appreciate anyone taking the time to read this and respond.
 

BoomerD

No Lifer
Feb 26, 2006
62,679
11,023
136
Wow...what a wall of text. :confused_old:

Not gonna read all that, but I'll still chime in and say..."why can't it be both?"

Some of what you describe, (ok, I skimmed a bit) sounds fairly normal when you overload your self...or aren't totally comfortable in your working situation. Questioning decisions, overthinking mistakes, etc...
 
  • Like
Reactions: Avalon

JEDIYoda

Lifer
Jul 13, 2005
33,981
3,318
126
Normally I would reply but I think I know exactly where you are coming from!
I know this probably is not any comfort but life is truly one day at a time and you need to be doing things that make you happy and make your mind happy!! Good Luck!!
 
  • Like
Reactions: Avalon

UsandThem

Elite Member
May 4, 2000
16,068
7,380
146
Yet, I still lie awake in bed, sometimes for hours at a time, either feeling bad for all the dumb things I've done in the past 20 years, or feeling like I let folks down by going on medical leave for 3 months and coming back to essentially demote myself. I almost feel bad that I'm not working insane hours to help the team, but I know that feeling is silly. I just don't get it. Am I going crazy, or just going through a bit of a down period due to the recent changes in my life? I really appreciate anyone taking the time to read this and respond.

First you have to come to terms what you've done in the past, evaluate what you did wrong / could have done better, and move on from it. In essence, "kill" the past. There's no time machines, and you can't change what happened. There's no point to keep beating yourself up over what has already happened. When your mind starts to dwell to past memories, you'll have to learn to focus on something else. This isn't an easy step, but it is probably the most important step you need to take.

Second, everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. Some people are perfectly happy and fine to work insane hours like that, and lead teams. Some people can't. Do what you makes you happy, and don't worry about not living up to what others think you should be doing.

After health issues, losing loved ones, sometimes it takes some time to get back to feeling "normal". Sometimes, you may never get back to feeling how you did before everything happened. Probably the best thing would to be joining a support group where people share similar issues. However, if you're not comfortable doing that, continue to talk to a therapist and maybe they'll have some structured steps you can take to move forward.
 

Red Squirrel

No Lifer
May 24, 2003
67,199
12,027
126
www.anyf.ca
Sounds like possible depression/anxiety. Was there a bit over a year ago myself. It just hit me randomly. Everything in life was/is good, but I started to feel a lack of motivation to do hobby stuff and overall do anything. In my case I think it was just working too many night shifts. Getting off nights it's always very hard to revert so I would tend to do nothing for those few days, only to go back to work. Repeat cycle and it just caught up with me. I work less nights now and try to force myself to do more stuff on my days off and not just veg around the house and do nothing. I find that helped. That and just going for walks, even in winter. Once you get going it's not really that cold. Only when it's like -40 then it's harder to stay warm so don't tend to go far.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Avalon

Tweak155

Lifer
Sep 23, 2003
11,447
262
126
My take is that you indicated is going pretty well for the most part currently... sometimes that can be a problem. Humans tend to focus on issues and think / worry about them, and right now you don't have many... so you're thinking back to previous problems.

Maybe create a healthy problem for yourself... start a home project, create a website, etc to keep yourself distracted and thinking about "what's next" for that "problem".
 
  • Like
Reactions: Avalon

snoopy7548

Diamond Member
Jan 1, 2005
8,048
5,043
146
The number one thing you need to remember is that whatever you do, if it makes you feel better, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. You can't change the past and no one can make you feel bad except for yourself. Your health and well-being is the most important thing in the world and should always come first.

I second Red Squirrel - depression/anxiety with a side of burnout. I was there too and I had a breakdown; I had to be put on anti-anxiety medication and a year later I feel better but I'm still taking it.

I just skimmed through your post but it sounds like you're burned out and getting stuck. Working 50+ hours a week in a tech job will do that quickly, especially if you feel like you're not given the adequate support or respect you deserve.

A few suggestions...

-Exercise regularly, even if it's just 30 minutes each day
-Eat healthy
-Get 7.5-8 hours of sleep each night
-Talk to your doctor about being put on a low-dose anxiety medication (Citalopram worked for me, though I was started at 20mg and haven't changed the dosage). I'm pretty evened-out now, and I still get stressed out about things but I'm much better at dealing with them and shutting out the bad thoughts.
-Find purpose/fulfillment outside of your job

There's nothing wrong with being put on anti-anxiety meds. Some people get to a point where they can't deal with everything on their own, so they constantly worry and it begins to have a massive effect on their overall health. You can either keep going that route and have a breakdown or worse, or you can see a psychiatrist and/or take meds which will allow your mind to calm itself down and not worry about the small things.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Avalon

Avalon

Diamond Member
Jul 16, 2001
7,565
150
106
Wow...what a wall of text. :confused_old:

Not gonna read all that, but I'll still chime in and say..."why can't it be both?"

Some of what you describe, (ok, I skimmed a bit) sounds fairly normal when you overload your self...or aren't totally comfortable in your working situation. Questioning decisions, overthinking mistakes, etc...

Yeah, sorry about that. I guess I had just been thinking about quite a few things lately and had a lot to say. Appreciate your attempt to read anyway, and agree...could possibly be both. Who knows? I figure it could very well be normal to still be feeling after effects this shortly after such a big life event. Maybe it's just aftershocks of an earthquake, and they'll subside with more time.
 

Avalon

Diamond Member
Jul 16, 2001
7,565
150
106
First you have to come to terms what you've done in the past, evaluate what you did wrong / could have done better, and move on from it. In essence, "kill" the past. There's no time machines, and you can't change what happened. There's no point to keep beating yourself up over what has already happened. When your mind starts to dwell to past memories, you'll have to learn to focus on something else. This isn't an easy step, but it is probably the most important step you need to take.

Second, everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. Some people are perfectly happy and fine to work insane hours like that, and lead teams. Some people can't. Do what you makes you happy, and don't worry about not living up to what others think you should be doing.

After health issues, losing loved ones, sometimes it takes some time to get back to feeling "normal". Sometimes, you may never get back to feeling how you did before everything happened. Probably the best thing would to be joining a support group where people share similar issues. However, if you're not comfortable doing that, continue to talk to a therapist and maybe they'll have some structured steps you can take to move forward.

Appreciate the input. Hate that it took my body breaking down like that to realize what I was doing wasn't the right path for me, but it was a lesson, and I won't forget it, so hopefully I will never repeat it. You're probably right in that I may just need more time...it's only been what, 5 months since? When I'm feeling alright, like I am today (finally got some sleep last night, jeez that feels great!), and I think back to the things that were dragging me down the night before...they don't really bother me like they did, and I'm able to think about other things. After saying all this out loud, and judging from the responses I've gotten so far, thinking maybe this really just does need some more time and a little bit of help, either from talking with others or going back to my therapist for a bit.
 
  • Like
Reactions: UsandThem

UsandThem

Elite Member
May 4, 2000
16,068
7,380
146
Appreciate the input. Hate that it took my body breaking down like that to realize what I was doing wasn't the right path for me, but it was a lesson, and I won't forget it, so hopefully I will never repeat it. You're probably right in that I may just need more time...it's only been what, 5 months since? When I'm feeling alright, like I am today (finally got some sleep last night, jeez that feels great!), and I think back to the things that were dragging me down the night before...they don't really bother me like they did, and I'm able to think about other things. After saying all this out loud, and judging from the responses I've gotten so far, thinking maybe this really just does need some more time and a little bit of help, either from talking with others or going back to my therapist for a bit.

5 months is really a short period of time in the big picture of things. Sometimes things like this can take years. Each person is different, so continue taking steps in the right direction and you'll get there. Continue to focus on the future, and not the past. What has already happened can't be changed, but you can change your path going forward. :)
 
  • Like
Reactions: Avalon

Avalon

Diamond Member
Jul 16, 2001
7,565
150
106
The number one thing you need to remember is that whatever you do, if it makes you feel better, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. You can't change the past and no one can make you feel bad except for yourself. Your health and well-being is the most important thing in the world and should always come first.

I second Red Squirrel - depression/anxiety with a side of burnout. I was there too and I had a breakdown; I had to be put on anti-anxiety medication and a year later I feel better but I'm still taking it.

I just skimmed through your post but it sounds like you're burned out and getting stuck. Working 50+ hours a week in a tech job will do that quickly, especially if you feel like you're not given the adequate support or respect you deserve.

A few suggestions...

-Exercise regularly, even if it's just 30 minutes each day
-Eat healthy
-Get 7.5-8 hours of sleep each night
-Talk to your doctor about being put on a low-dose anxiety medication (Citalopram worked for me, though I was started at 20mg and haven't changed the dosage). I'm pretty evened-out now, and I still get stressed out about things but I'm much better at dealing with them and shutting out the bad thoughts.
-Find purpose/fulfillment outside of your job

There's nothing wrong with being put on anti-anxiety meds. Some people get to a point where they can't deal with everything on their own, so they constantly worry and it begins to have a massive effect on their overall health. You can either keep going that route and have a breakdown or worse, or you can see a psychiatrist and/or take meds which will allow your mind to calm itself down and not worry about the small things.

Thanks. I do exercise 3-4 times a week, running mostly. Used to participate in 5K and 10K races pretty frequently, so actually trying to get back to that and get myself into better running condition to do a half marathon. It definitely helps. Also, finally got some sleep last night, and I'm feeling a LOT better today.

When I went through the panic attack/break down and was on FMLA back in Feb, my doctor did put me on anti anxiety/depressants for a couple months. They didn't really do too much for me, maybe numbed the brain a bit, but I was getting really bad side effects. I found just talking to my therapist and making concrete plans to change the root problems was vastly more effective. I'm not currently on any medication at the moment, but now that I think about it, I wouldn't mind going back to my therapist and chat with him for a few more sessions. It can't hurt.
 

PowerEngineer

Diamond Member
Oct 22, 2001
3,548
716
136
I am sorry that you are experiencing a rough patch in your life. None of us can put the past completely behind us, and I am pretty sure we all have regrets about some things we did (or didn't do). It makes sense to learn from past mistakes so that we do not repeat them, but constantly dwelling on your past as you seem to be doing is probably a bad thing. What might help is shifting your focus more toward your future. Maybe review (and/or set) some lifetime goals, setting up plans for achieving them, and thinking about the day's progress toward meeting them when you lay down in bed. My two cents....
 
  • Like
Reactions: Avalon

Mayne

Diamond Member
Apr 13, 2014
8,820
1,358
126
There is no point looking into the past..concentrate on the day...you'll feel better
 
  • Like
Reactions: Avalon

Muadib

Lifer
May 30, 2000
17,914
838
126
Why did you stop going to your psychiatrist? Was he done with you, or did you just stop going?
 

Kaido

Elite Member & Kitchen Overlord
Feb 14, 2004
48,388
5,256
136
So what's the problem? Well, I'm struggling to answer that question. The divorce was 5 years ago, and the issues with work have been pretty much resolved. There's nothing going on in my personal life that's causing me any stress or grief. Yet, I still lie awake in bed, sometimes for hours at a time, either feeling bad for all the dumb things I've done in the past 20 years, or feeling like I let folks down by going on medical leave for 3 months and coming back to essentially demote myself. I almost feel bad that I'm not working insane hours to help the team, but I know that feeling is silly. I just don't get it. Am I going crazy, or just going through a bit of a down period due to the recent changes in my life? I really appreciate anyone taking the time to read this and respond.

I've been in a similar boat before; it's no fun. I've been managing clinical depression for over 15 years now & have a pretty good handle on it at this point. To begin with, there are two types of depression:

1. Numb
2. Negative

There are days where everything is just meh & surfing imgur is about the only thing I can do to take my mind off it. Other days are more difficult because my anxiety will kick in & I'll feel bad about stuff for hours or days on end for no reason, even about stuff that happened years ago. What I've learned, over time, is that you have seven control points for feeling good:

1. Sleep
2. Diet
3. Exercise
4. Stress management
5. Soul
6. Controllable situations
7. Manageable situations

Before I dive into those points, we need to talk about personal responsibility. I'll preface this by saying I'm not out to hammer on you or shame you; this is simply an outcome-focused approach (i.e. how to fix your problems). So first, we need to talk about your role in each of these areas as Victim or Creator in order to clarify how we're going to approach this. This is based off Carol Dweck's research into mindsets, which states that there are 2 mindsets that we all have in any given situation:

1. Fixed
2. Growth

In a nutshell, having a fixed mindset about a particular situation is where you say "I can't" (usually followed up with an excuse), versus a growth mindset, which is where you ask "How can I?" (where you push through & keep working on things, instead of giving up). We all have fixed or growth mindsets about different situations, which results in either a victim mentality ("I can't") or a creator mentality ("I will"). It basically boils down to being reactive vs. being proactive, which is important for reasons I'll talk about in a minute. But first, we need to walk through the following logic:

1. You are 100% responsible for your own body & mind, meaning that if you want different results, you're going to have to take action to make things happen
2. If you want things to change, then you're going to have to change
3. We tend to adopt good ideas (ex. exercising is good for you!) without actually implementing a system for obtaining the results (ex. actually following an exercise plan every day), which translates out to this: change requires work & effort

So in summary: we are personally responsible for our lives. We can make the best progress & be the happiest by having being proactive, having a growth mindset, and adopting a creator mentality. This is important for a couple reasons:

1. No one else lives in your shoes, meaning that you are responsible for fixing the broken & problematic portions of your life
2. You are going to run into situations that need to be resolved, and you don't know everything, so you're going to have to work on them, which includes identifying root causes of problems & then changing your life to fix things for the better

Which is exactly what you're doing by being brave & posting your OP, so congratulations on doing step one! It can be super hard to share personal stuff like that, but otherwise it's easy to get stuck & just live with it, which blows chunks. Identifying your problems & being willing to work on them & push through the setbacks that will inevitably occur is really all you need to get started!

Let's use the visualization of a house, the House of Feeling Good. The foundation of that house is sleep. Without amazing sleep, two things happen:

1. Apathy Mode
2. Anchor Mode

Apathy Mode is that numbness I was talking about (meh), whereas Anchor Mode is when you feel pulled down by negative emotions & just feel bad, sometimes for no reason at all. There are a lot of reasons that these two situations happen, but we'll start with sleep, because if you're tired, then literally every single thing you do, all day long, all week along, all month long, all year long, all your life, is going to be affected by that. We tend to turn a blind eye to sleep, but we're going to get real serious about it here right now:
I'm constantly tired during the day because I don't get enough sleep.

...

Coupled with not sleeping well, I was really exhausted around this time, which coincided with my previously mentioned increased take of caffeine and subsequent panic attack.

There are six factors you need to take ownership of:

1. What time you go to bed
2. Being able to fall asleep quickly
3. Being able to stay asleep
4. Getting enough hours of sleep
5. Getting good-quality sleep
6. Doing all of the above consistently

Especially in today's modern electronic world, going to bed early at a reasonable time or even early is one of the most difficult things you will do in life. Let's take a look at the negative version of the factors above:

1. You stay up late
2. It takes you forever to fall asleep
3. You wake up at night
4. You don't get enough hours of sleep in
5. You get poor quality of sleep (nighttime restlessness, night terrors, sleep apnea, blood sugar issues, etc.)
6. You are not consistent with any of the above

This is such a difficult thing to mentally accept, because our current society doesn't take sleep very seriously, and yet it literally affects absolutely everything you do, all day long. Let's compare that to a vastly improved sleep hygiene story:

1. You go to bed early
2. You fall asleep quickly
3. You stay asleep all night
4. You get a sufficient number of hours of sleep for what your body personally requires to feel well-rested
5. You get a great quality of sleep
6. You are consistent in everything above

How amazing would you feel if that was the case? If you woke up feeling refreshed, well-rested, motivated, and energetic? Pretty great, right? Easy to say, not so easy to do! Haha. For a bit of backstory, I had insomnia for a good 20+ years. It was rough. It took me a loooooooong time to get to the point where I could fall asleep easily & actually wake up feeling well-rested. It's been an ongoing story for me, as I just got diagnosed with sleep apnea this year, and that was a tremendous improvement in my life! My point here is that without good, solid, consistent sleep, life is kinda garbage because you either feel apathetic or bad all the time, instead of having a motor inside of you to drive you to enjoy life & do fun stuff. Then we become blind to how tired we are & start blaming it on other things. It's a mess!
But, when I lay down to go to bed at night, sometimes I'm up for hours just replaying all the mistakes I've made or negative experiences I've been through in my head. I don't know why, but it keeps me up at night.

So this is a form of anxiety, and one that I personally struggled with for a super long time. That loops up to sleep factor #2, being able to fall asleep in a timely fashion, which we can start to deal with by using our "personal responsibility" approach to drill down to the root cause of the problem. Again, this is important to realize & to use because some people just say whatever & deal with it for the rest of their lives instead of working on it, and you're obviously not happy dealing with it, so let's work on it! So let's look at our problem stack so far:

1. Life isn't too good right now
2. Because (in this particular instance) your anxiety is replaying past mistakes & preventing you from falling asleep quickly & easily
3. Which causes you to have sleeping problems, and good sleep is the foundation for the House of Feeling Good, so right now, you have a shaky foundation!

Thus, the problem we need to address first is your nighttime anxiety. First, realize that anxiety isn't your fault - you're not crazy, you're not a bad person, you don't deserve this...but you have to live with it (for now!). Second, realize that it IS your responsibility to deal with it, which means doing some research, trying some things out, and making some changes. The way that I visualize that type of anxiety that makes you feel bad for no apparently reason & ruminate over past problems is like one of those wind-up chattering-teeth toys, except with a never-ending battery...it's a part of your psyche that is separate from your mind, but that you're stuck with for the time being. Here's a visualization:


So basically, there's a little wind-up anxiety toy that gets started in your head when you go to bed. It sits there & chatters away in your mind - through no fault of your own - but you can't turn it off & it won't leave you alone. Which, in turn, affects your ability to fall asleep, which, in turn, makes for a lousy day the next day because you're either in apathy or anchor mode, so you're either feeling kinda meh or feeling kinda down. It's really, really, really hard to feel good when you are tired, and when this behavior goes on for long enough & you get far enough behind the curve, you start having the really weird problems like panic attacks, stress, and other types of anxieties. Hopefully by this point in the conversation, you are starting to see the value of sleep & the problems that come with not having good hygiene! All this means is that you need to get ultra-serious about your sleep hygiene, which means addressing the problems that are holding you back from having great sleep hygiene.

So the real next action here is to figure out why you are having anxiety. There are a variety of reasons why anxiety happens - caffeine withdrawl, stomach issues, PTSD, guilt, etc. I'm not an expert on diagnosing the root causes of anxiety, but I can tell you that for me, mine stemmed from stomach issues. I first got some relief by removing dairy & gluten from my diet...when coupled with poor sleep, eating dairy would give me panic attacks (just awful) & gluten (bread, pizza, pasta, etc.) would give me anxiety. Eventually I got some medicine for my stomach issues (SIBO) & was able to properly digest food again (I fortunately didn't have autoimmune allergies, which would require an Epi-pen). Once my stomach quit being out of whack, I felt waaaaay better.

That's the condensed version of the story, and that is specific to me & my root cause for my anxiety issues. One of the things it taught me was just how much your body & your brain can get goofed up & make you feel terrible, which is why & how I developed the seven control points for feeling good. Just to chat briefly about each one, as this post is already getting pretty long:

1. We've already talked about sleep, but just to expand that discussion a bit further: you can make all of the life changes, eat all the right foods, do all of the exercise, take all of the medications, etc. you want, but if you have poor sleep hygiene, then things are always going to be kind of tough. It's incredibly easy to brush off & it's incredibly easy to let it slide, but it's like gravity - it's there & it works whether you pay attention to it or not, both in a positive way (like for letting airplanes fly) & in a negative way (like tripping & falling down & getting hurt). Address your sleeping issues & then build out from there is my recommendation!

2. Diet or food is what provides you with energy throughout the day. Ever eat too much Halloween candy & get sick, or eat a huge Thanksgiving dinner & pass out for the afternoon? Food affects how we feel in a huge, huge way. I consider food like one step below sleep in terms of importance...if you're feeding yourself poorly, then it's hard to feel good because then you have to overcome mediocre or low energy on a moment-by-moment basis. There are a lot of different opinions about food; all I'll say is that I follow IIFYM & love it, and would highly recommend it. We can discuss this further if you want!

3. Exercise is important for a variety of reasons. One, it helps you fall asleep, because if you're just sitting around all day at a computer desk & never getting much movement, then you're going to have a harder time falling asleep. Two, it helps move the food through your GI tract, which is mostly where your emotions come from (read up on the second brain), so it helps regulate things that way. Third, exercise releases endorphins & generates energy & generally puts you in a better mood. You don't need to be a gym rat, all you need is 30 minutes of brisk exercise per day, which you can split up into ten-minute segments. When my depression is getting the better of me, sometimes I'll just do 10 minutes on my exercise bike before work, a ten-minute walk after lunch, and another ten minutes on my bike after work, usually while watching a TV show or something. As mentioned earlier, it's incredibly easy to adopt an idea ("exercise is good & helps you feel better & I fully endorse it!"), but then not actually do it, especially on a consistent basis.

4. Stress management can affect how you feel in a huge way. The short version of this is that everyone has a personal productivity system (PPS), which is the way you deal with getting things done. Some people have good ones, some people have horrible ones, Again, this is a discussion for future posts, if you're interested in learning more. The bottom line here is that if you don't have a good PPS, then stress can eat you alive if you let it!

5. Soul - you can call this your spirit, personality, consciousness, whatever. This kind of gets into the self-help & self-care arenas in life. One of the things that helped me a ton was reading through the Feeling Good book by David Burns & working through Ten Day to Self Esteem workbook. Two of the key takeaways for me was #1, learning that thoughts create emotions (you feel how you think, which is a marvelous thing to learn), and #2, learning how to audit my "inner critic" voice, which is how you vocalize the thoughts in your head - as it turns out, by default, we automatically believe everything we think, but really, it's like Twitter - it's a string of random inputs, and you can, in fact, be selective about what you choose to listen to & believe. This was a bit of an awakening for me, as I didn't realize how that mechanism worked in my brain, and was one of the things that triggered me from switching from leading a reactive life to a more proactive life, where I made decisions about how to deal with each situation in my life, one by one, rather than just getting run over by everything & just passively reacting by going with the flow & just dealing with things.

6. Controllable situations are basically self-induced situations that need better management, such as various addictions (alcohol, drugs, porn, caffeine, gambling, smoking, vaping, chew, etc.) or poor habits.

7. Manageable situations are stuff you have to deal with but can't necessarily entirely resolve on your own, like health issues (cancer, diseases, diabetes, etc.) - you just have to deal with them.

So given your history per your OP:

1. You've had a rollercoaster of a ride for the last 5 years
2. You're in a pretty good place now - good relationship, no major issues at home, not working a bazillion hours
3. You're struggling with some anxiety, which is in turn causing fatigue, which is making you feel a bit down

I think this line captures it perfectly:
But, when I lay down to go to bed at night, sometimes I'm up for hours just replaying all the mistakes I've made or negative experiences I've been through in my head. I don't know why, but it keeps me up at night. I'm constantly tired during the day because I don't get enough sleep.

Droning on for a bit longer, even after I went through those two books by David Burns, I was still having some struggles. In the book, he said that thoughts created emotions - somewhere along the way, we encountered a situation, didn't know how to deal with it, had a thought, and that converted into an emotion over time, so that the emotion is what pops up whenever you get into that situation. As a kid, the first time you tried warm chocolate-chip cookies, you went "whooooaaaaa". The next time you smelled them baking in the house, your brain went "YUM!". However, even after working to address how I thought & then felt about different situations, I found myself continuing to have anxiety.

What I learned was anxiety can also be something external to our brains, which is why I mentioned my history with food issues...my gut was basically leaking a low dose of adrenaline all the time, so when I'd go to lay down in bed, those "toy teeth" would just chatter away in my head. Hey, remember that dumb thing you said in 8th grade? Have fun worrying about it for the rest of the night! Oh, and remember how you stuck your foot in your mouth this morning in front of your client? Throw that in there too! It didn't make sense to me at the time, because #1, I had identified my thinking patterns & was aware that I was having anxiety, and #2, I knew that they were mistakes, and mistakes happen, and I had decided to let them go & forgive myself, even if they were really minor.

BUT STILL my anxiety persisted! This is when I came to the realization that we can have externally-driven anxiety, which for me was a goofed-up stomach. Just like how overdosing on Halloween candy can make you sick, or eating a huge lunch at work can put you into a food coma for the afternoon, food was causing me some MAJOR anxiety issues. Trying to simply "think" my way through it didn't work - just like how putting a band-aid on a painful paper cut helps but you still are stuck with the pain for awhile, that's how anxiety was working for me at that point. It didn't make sense until I discovered that you can have an external anxiety source forcing its way into your consciousness. That's when I went to work to figure out how to resolve it, and imo, that's where you should begin too!

To be clear, digestion issues is only one root cause; anxiety can stem from a variety of places. Right now, what we know is that you are dealing with some anxiety & that it is externally-sourced, meaning you know it's silly, but like a paper cut, that doesn't mean it's going away just because you're aware of it. So to recap, the best places to start are:

1. Develop good sleep hygiene
2. Get on top of your diet
3. Exercise daily
4. Manage your stress using a powerful PPS
5. Get started on improving your "soul", as silly & trite & ridiculous as that may sound, by working on things like self-esteem & feeling good, for which there are many wonderful resources available
6. Manage the situations in your life that you need to work on, like addictions & bad habits
7. Manage the situations in your life that you can't control but need to manage, such as a disease or physical problem

This is going to be a bit of a challenge, because when you're tired, everything is a bit of a barrier. Feeling better may be as simple as eating three square meals a day & using a treadmill for half an hour every morning...for me, I wasn't really exercising (ever) at the time, and I'd usually bolt out the door late in the morning & skip breakfast, and then work through lunch & get take-out or hit the vending machine (or both). Getting on top of my food game was pretty huge for me (I had no idea what I was doing when I started, which is why I try to point people in the IIFYM direction, because it shortcuts the decade of personal growth I went through in the food arena, haha) & incorporating a simple daily exercise program at home was a really big deal for me too, in terms of how I felt on a day to day basis. I basically consider managing my health the difference between living life in black & white vs. living life in color. The difficult thing is how easy it is to fall off the wagon & then stay off the wagon, which is why I'm a big fan of having strong support systems in place for working out, doing meal-prep, etc. Which is, of course, a topic for a future post, lol.

The hard part is being willing to get really serious about finding a solution, because these type of situations are rarely something you can just magically fix in one shot, you know? I've thought about this a lot because I was in a similar situation for a long, long time and it made life really hard, and I feel so much better now that I always try to share what helped me when I see others in similar situations, because it's a really difficult way to live otherwise! Some people are given the gift of feeling good all the time & never have to worry about dealing with these types of situation, but when the anxiety is kicking in every night, even when you know it's not logical, and when it's affecting your sleep, then it's really going to put a damper in your life because you're going to be in apathy or anchor mode all the time, which is a pretty crummy way to live!
 

Azraele

Elite Member
Nov 5, 2000
16,524
29
91
It sounds a little bit like you feel a bit selfish for taking time to take care of you. Don't. You can't be a good boyfriend/friend/employee/etc. if you don't tend to your health and needs. That's not being selfish any more than eating and breathing air is. As far as the lying awake at night thinking of past mistakes, it might be helpful to talk to your therapist about that. Did you learn from those mistakes? What did you learn? Do realize that part of life is messing up and learning from it, just as much as it is achieving goals, forming relationships, making memories .Also, do you have any regrets? Can you fix them? How? If you can't, how can you come to terms with them?

And take the time at bedtime to give yourself a pat on the back for your good attributes and deeds. Even if it's something as simple as "I smiled at someone today." Those little things can mean a LOT.
 

Avalon

Diamond Member
Jul 16, 2001
7,565
150
106
Why did you stop going to your psychiatrist? Was he done with you, or did you just stop going?

Yeah, he felt I was in a good enough spot that we didn't need to have any additional sessions, although he did recommend a follow up in a few months time just to see how I was managing...which I'm really starting to think I should do now. He was a great guy that helped a lot. At the time, we were mostly focused on getting the work related root causes resolved and stopping the work related anxiety that was giving me panic attacks. Mission accomplished there, since I haven't had any anxiety at work or panics attack at work/home since I went out on leave, but I think what I didn't expect was feeling guilt and shame for taking a step back when I returned to work, and like Kaido mentioned, that's been starting to give me anxiety when I lay down at night to go to bed.
 

Avalon

Diamond Member
Jul 16, 2001
7,565
150
106
Hey Kaido,

I won't quote your post due to length, but I want you to know I read every word. That's truly amazing that you put that amount of effort into giving me advice, and I really appreciate it. Logically, I can understand much of it. I'm not sure I can tackle everything all at once, but I definitely will work on priorities first, and others as needed. From your list:

1. Develop good sleep hygiene
2. Get on top of your diet
3. Exercise daily
4. Manage your stress using a powerful PPS
5. Get started on improving your "soul", as silly & trite & ridiculous as that may sound, by working on things like self-esteem & feeling good, for which there are many wonderful resources available
6. Manage the situations in your life that you need to work on, like addictions & bad habits
7. Manage the situations in your life that you can't control but need to manage, such as a disease or physical problem

I'm in agreement that I need to work on my sleep as priority #1. It's night and day how much better I feel when I get 7-8 hours of sleep vs 4-5, and emotionally during those days I'm usually in a decent spot, as has been the case this weekend. My diet/physical health are good, and I exercise 3-4 days a week for 30-90 mins, depending on the run (I'm an avid runner) so I think I'm OK there. I think priority #2 needs to be working on my soul...need to do a better job taking care of me.
 

Iron Woode

Elite Member
Super Moderator
Oct 10, 1999
30,855
12,354
136
sounds like depression. As someone who is bipolar, I know about depression. There is no magic cure for depression. Learning how to manage it is the best you can do. Each person has there own way of dealing with it, so a one-size-fits-all approach won't work. You will have to discover that yourself.

Good luck.

:)
 
  • Like
Reactions: Avalon

Avalon

Diamond Member
Jul 16, 2001
7,565
150
106
It sounds a little bit like you feel a bit selfish for taking time to take care of you. Don't. You can't be a good boyfriend/friend/employee/etc. if you don't tend to your health and needs. That's not being selfish any more than eating and breathing air is. As far as the lying awake at night thinking of past mistakes, it might be helpful to talk to your therapist about that. Did you learn from those mistakes? What did you learn? Do realize that part of life is messing up and learning from it, just as much as it is achieving goals, forming relationships, making memories .Also, do you have any regrets? Can you fix them? How? If you can't, how can you come to terms with them?

And take the time at bedtime to give yourself a pat on the back for your good attributes and deeds. Even if it's something as simple as "I smiled at someone today." Those little things can mean a LOT.

I agree with you logically, and I have learned from my mistakes and grown as a person from each situation. However, when I'm feeling down at night, for some reason when I think about them, my emotions say it's OK for others to make mistakes but not me. I know this doesn't make any sense because people need mistakes to learn from life. Not sure why my inner self is so hard on...myself; my parents weren't when I was a kid, although they were encouraging enough, so I don't know where it comes from.
 

balloonshark

Diamond Member
Jun 5, 2008
6,288
2,682
136
No matter how much we replay a past event or change the script in our heads we can't change the past. The past is just that, the past. The future is uncertain and not guaranteed. How many times have you made plans only to have something come up or something went in a totally different direction?

So if the we can't change the past and the future is not certain what does that leave us with? It leaves us with the present. The present is the only thing that exists or has ever existed. This very moment is the only thing that matters. So knowing that fact what you choose to do in this moment is everything. Do you choose to go over the past in your head or worry about the future? Or do you choose to accept that doing so is futile and what matters most is this moment?

When our brains are running a hundred miles per hour when we try to sleep let that go. We can't do anything about what happened in the past and making future plans while in bed is silly. So bring your attention back, focus your presence back to now and let that random thought fade away. If another thought arises rinse and repeat until your in the moment. Now relax every muscle and go to sleep.

I've had depression and anxiety for years. I've had therapy in the past and still take medications to this day. I know this is going to sound silly but watching Alan Watts and Eckhart Tolle videos on youtube have helped more than therapy. I also watched a few videos on falling asleep fast and they helped a lot. Last Jan. I changed to a plant based diet and it's made a difference. Avoid or limit alcohol and caffeine. Exercise and learn to meditate. Meditation will keep your focus on the present and silence your mind.
 

Kaido

Elite Member & Kitchen Overlord
Feb 14, 2004
48,388
5,256
136
Hey Kaido,

I won't quote your post due to length, but I want you to know I read every word. That's truly amazing that you put that amount of effort into giving me advice, and I really appreciate it. Logically, I can understand much of it. I'm not sure I can tackle everything all at once, but I definitely will work on priorities first, and others as needed. From your list:

1. Develop good sleep hygiene
2. Get on top of your diet
3. Exercise daily
4. Manage your stress using a powerful PPS
5. Get started on improving your "soul", as silly & trite & ridiculous as that may sound, by working on things like self-esteem & feeling good, for which there are many wonderful resources available
6. Manage the situations in your life that you need to work on, like addictions & bad habits
7. Manage the situations in your life that you can't control but need to manage, such as a disease or physical problem

I'm in agreement that I need to work on my sleep as priority #1. It's night and day how much better I feel when I get 7-8 hours of sleep vs 4-5, and emotionally during those days I'm usually in a decent spot, as has been the case this weekend. My diet/physical health are good, and I exercise 3-4 days a week for 30-90 mins, depending on the run (I'm an avid runner) so I think I'm OK there. I think priority #2 needs to be working on my soul...need to do a better job taking care of me.

Yeah, sleep is a tricky one, because we don't take it seriously & let it slide mentally SUPER easily. But, it's the energy gate that controls all of the other aspects of your life, so if your sleep is goofed up, then everything gets affected. In your specific situation, you had the same problem I did - random anxieties hitting you in bed & preventing you from falling asleep. That's really the core problem to work on.

Goofy emotions & anxieties seem to generate from the gut (the whole "second brain" deal, where a huge amount of your neurotransmitters are manufactured & sent from your gut to your brain), and I'm in the same boat as you...4 to 5 hours of sleep means I'm a mess, but 7 to 8 hours & I feel 100% totally normal. I just tell people I have a sleep allergy, lol...I'm just really sensitive to a lack of sleep. And honestly, it's my biggest struggle in life today, even knowing everything I know about sleep lol.

As far as soul-work goes (that sounds funny, I need a better name for it haha), read this to begin with:

https://www.reddit.com/r/IWantToLearn/comments/cg53wp/iwtl_how_to_be_more_positive_and_be_able_to_get/eugefsm/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x

Like I said in that post, I'm not a huge fan of "finding yourself"; I'm a bigger fan of "defining yourself". Which means accepting imperfection & mistakes (but also not letting yourself off the hook for lazy behavior!). Note that this can be 100% entirely separate from the anxiety you feel when you lay down to bed. For me, that anxiety was literally generated from a screwed-up GI tract, which is now controlled by medicine, a better diet, and good sleep. For whatever reason, I just have a very sensitive stomach, and when I get off-track with my sleep or when my stomach medicine wears off, all that anxiety crap comes right back to haunt me. It's pretty awful lol. Again, it's like a papercut...you know it's there, you don't want it, but you're stuck with it, as an externally-driven part of you. Finding a way to deal with it & manage it to the point where you can eliminate is the trick, and it's different for everybody!

The other trap is letting things slide & going back to normal-living mode & just dealing with it, which is what a lot of people do rather than continuing to chip away on it. It takes effort to find a solution & effort to make that solution work & sometimes it's just easier to say whatever & let it slide haha. I think too, as you get older, your body gets more sensitive...you have to try harder to earn feeling good every day. It's not like when you were a kid & could just wake up & feel awesome & run around like crazy all the time, lol.