Am I being selfish? Family issues

[LuckyTaxi]

once you get married, IF you get married, you are going to have to make some serious decisions about what your going to do about her family. you can choose to just turn your back on her family, but she probably can't. i don't think it is fair of you to make the decision for her.

I know it's not my place to say anything if she uses her money, but here's something that just happened.

She received $300+ in refunds from uncle sam. I received $500. My $500 went towards rent. I told her to take half of her refund to
buy what she wanted and pay bills with the rest. This was just a suggestion. She eventually gave her parents $100 and spent the rest
on herself. There were bills that needed to be paid, and she neglected them and eventually had to tap into the savings account.

She needs to get her priorities straight ...

I told the fiance about thsi and she just kinda brushed it off. I know they are her parents and we will do whatever we
can, but they can't depend on us. I'm just pissed off cuz their son-in-law can't hold down a job. And when he does make money
he spends it on weed and sh!t. Her mom asked him for money and he only gives her like $20! Mind u he lives their with his wife!!!!
Yet, she has the nerve to ask me for more money?!

I wont leave the relationship becuz I put too much into this. We've been through too much just to throw it away becuz of her parents.
i've made significant improvements in her life - changes she wouldnt have done if she continued to live with her parents. If u really
wanna know how her dad is, take this ...

In HS, her dad didnt wanna take her places to go do research and buy supplies for school. She ended up taking the bus. He continues
to do this now with the other kids and they rely on me when I am there. I put my foot down and said no asking why her dad cant
be the father and do things for his kids?! Who's selfish now?!

 

[LeeTJ]

Originally posted by: lilcam

once you get married, IF you get married, you are going to have to make some serious decisions about what your going to do about her family. you can choose to just turn your back on her family, but she probably can't. i don't think it is fair of you to make the decision for her.

I know it's not my place to say anything if she uses her money, but here's something that just happened.

She received $300+ in refunds from uncle sam. I received $500. My $500 went towards rent. I told her to take half of her refund to
buy what she wanted and pay bills with the rest. This was just a suggestion. She eventually gave her parents $100 and spent the rest
on herself. There were bills that needed to be paid, and she neglected them and eventually had to tap into the savings account.

She needs to get her priorities straight

sounds like you and she have a lot of talking to do.

you guys are engaged?? finances is one of the most important aspects of a marriage. soo many divorces are because couples disagree on finances. if i were you, i'd be nervous about the differences between you and your fiance.

 

[MrYogi]

Originally posted by: lilcam
Once in a while is fine, but ppl continue to depend on you if u continue to give in.
granted, $50 isn't much, but $50 x 12 is a lot of money!

I know ppl aren't as fortunate, but you arent getting my point. They choose not to work, so why should they be
rewarded?

What will happen later is someone will end up moving in with us. Meaning, one of the kids when they get a little older
and the house gets too crowded. I moved out to be independent and not have to worry about someone. I've seen this
too often with a sibling or parent moving in with someone who's "established." How would you feel working your butt
off so that you can move out and be on your own, only to find out someone will be moving in and taking up space in your
crib?

$50*12=$600. That is not as much as you make it sound when it comes to supporting to your parents. If your parents work their butt off, it should not be a big problem for them. But it looks like they have Now, don't we know where you got your ideas from?

If your girlfriend is earning, she has a right to share it with her family. You make a big deal of $50 a month. I am sure, you will never let anyone move in with you. So, don't worry about it.

 

[KGB1]

Originally posted by: slycat
jesus christ...forgive the swear...but u guys make me sick.
to asians there is something very strong called 'filial piety'.
look it up.

all you 101% americana is so self righteous pompous.

Hehe.. someone's been reading the Joy Luck Club

Anyway.. umm your Engaged right? And her family is mooching for YOUR money already? Seems to them.. a huge T-bone steak who finished college, has a good family landed on their good fortune. So be a good genie and grant them their wish.

I don't know man, why get married so early? What are you 22-23? Did you do youre Masters? What kind of job do you have that people automatically want to borrow from you. I'm Turkish... and we have the same "filial piety" thing too. Its a b!tch I tell you.. but it is what I am expecting will happen once I get married. So I'd have to fork over the money... do not do it on occassion, but seriously talk with the father and hopefully help HIM get a steady job so he can provide for his family..

However.. if they want to move in with you guys... tell them to take a hike... I'm no babysitter or permanent residence for their family (however I am obligated to look after my parents when they are older.. since I am the son... and its expected of me. So my wife will be quite unhappy) Dude what can I say.. if its in YOUR power to help... you gotta.. but if you become next months welfare check may Allah be with you my friend. Bonne Chance!

 

[YingYang]

How does your fiance feel about you wanting to cut the cord to the family? It sounds to me you are being too Americanized and as an asian we have different standards. Does your finance feel that you guys are pretty well off that you should contribute to her family? Being that your fiance is the oldest or at least one of the oldest, I think its a matter of pride for her to help out with her family. In typical asian tradition, its always been expected that the oldest in the family will take care of the family, but as asians assimilate with American society that value slowly is changing. I know you feel that her family are a bunch of thirsty blood suckers but how are they suppose to get by on welfare? Her dad probably doesn't speak English which is why he rarely works. Maybe you shouldn't marry your fiance if you are too "Americanized". Once you guys get married your fiance, assuming she's brought up the "old way" will ask you to help out her family more.

 

[LeeTJ]

Originally posted by: YingYang
How does your fiance feel about you wanting to cut the cord to the family? It sounds to me you are being too Americanized and as an asian we have different standards. Does your finance feel that you guys are pretty well off that you should contribute to her family? Being that your fiance is the oldest or at least one of the oldest, I think its a matter of pride for her to help out with her family. In typical asian tradition, its always been expected that the oldest in the family will take care of the family, but as asians assimilate with American society that value slowly is changing. I know you feel that her family are a bunch of thirsty blood suckers but how are they suppose to get by on welfare? Her dad probably doesn't speak English which is why he rarely works. Maybe you shouldn't marry your fiance if you are too "Americanized". Once you guys get married your fiance, assuming she's brought up the "old way" will ask you to help out her family more.

i agree.

i think this guy and his fiance are gonna have to sit down and really really talk about their relationship.

tough decisions.

 

[yoda291]

Originally posted by: lilcam

once you get married, IF you get married, you are going to have to make some serious decisions about what your going to do about her family. you can choose to just turn your back on her family, but she probably can't. i don't think it is fair of you to make the decision for her.

I know it's not my place to say anything if she uses her money, but here's something that just happened.

She received $300+ in refunds from uncle sam. I received $500. My $500 went towards rent. I told her to take half of her refund to
buy what she wanted and pay bills with the rest. This was just a suggestion. She eventually gave her parents $100 and spent the rest
on herself. There were bills that needed to be paid, and she neglected them and eventually had to tap into the savings account.

She needs to get her priorities straight ...

I told the fiance about thsi and she just kinda brushed it off. I know they are her parents and we will do whatever we
can, but they can't depend on us. I'm just pissed off cuz their son-in-law can't hold down a job. And when he does make money
he spends it on weed and sh!t. Her mom asked him for money and he only gives her like $20! Mind u he lives their with his wife!!!!
Yet, she has the nerve to ask me for more money?!

I wont leave the relationship becuz I put too much into this. We've been through too much just to throw it away becuz of her parents.
i've made significant improvements in her life - changes she wouldnt have done if she continued to live with her parents. If u really
wanna know how her dad is, take this ...

In HS, her dad didnt wanna take her places to go do research and buy supplies for school. She ended up taking the bus. He continues
to do this now with the other kids and they rely on me when I am there. I put my foot down and said no asking why her dad cant
be the father and do things for his kids?! Who's selfish now?!

Good for you. You can always just do the proper thing and offer to take over the financial planning if they want money. Most asian families don't like receiving that kind of help afaik. Either they'll let you take over, which means you can manage what little income they have away from weed and slacking off, or they can't ask for money. It's a very nice gesture that really can't be construed as invasive unless they're actually trying to nerf you.

I also still say you should look into some work for them. If part time inventory doesn't work, try talking to contractors for their super positions maintaining apts. It's a very easy job that can be done from home since you are given living.

 

[PowerEngineer]

Originally posted by: KC5AV
Sorry, dude. If this chick your fiance, you better figure this one out quick... when you marry someone, you marry their WHOLE family. You can't expect her to cut ties with hers just because they are asking for money. If that's not something you are prepared to deal with, you might ought to rethink this whole relationship.

Just my $.02

As you start out by saying, asian families are "tight". They do not necessarily ascribe to what we (so-called) normal Americans believe is righteous family behavior. It's my understanding that it's expected that well-off family members will willingly help support less fortunate members. I'm not saying this is right or wrong, just a tendancy that you'll have to understand and contend with for as long as you are engaged (or married) to this girl. If you're deeply troubled by this, then you should carefully think through any plans you have for a long term commitment.

Good Luck

 

[MithShrike]

You wouldn't happen to be living in Stockton, CA would you? Man, I grew up with a lot of Asians so I know how the whole family thing is. I'd say that yes, you should loan them some money but you are not to be their main support man. Now, if I were you I'd have a nice little talk with her and her parents all there, like maybe go out to eat one night and talk all this sh!te out. I'd say something along the lines of 'Now, I am going to be a part of your family now however, the money issue worries me. I can occasionally lend you money but you are going to have to get some work. I have to support myself and your daughter. If you work I will help you but I cannot support this family by myself.'

Just my say and you know what? Stick with it her if it's worth it.

 

[YingYang]

Originally posted by: Mith
You wouldn't happen to be living in Stockton, CA would you? I'd say that yes, you should loan them some money but you are not to be their main support man. Now, if I were you I'd have a nice little talk with her and her parents all there, like maybe go out to eat one night and talk all this sh!te out.

Does this mean you have to pay for dinner too? You do sound like you live in Stockton. My second guess would be Sacramento or Fresno. Are we close?

 

[YingYang]

I didn't know they have a large asian community in Pennsyvania? I thought they were all in California and Texas. Show you how much I know.

 

[StageLeft]

Oh man it sounds like basically you're screwed. If you ever start cranking in real bucks that family will see you as a cash cow and be begging constantly. Quite frankly you either need to get rid of your fiance, or have a heart to heart with her and firmly get a real commitment from her that you guys are NOT giving her family money unless YOU want to like at Christmas as a gift or anything. If you don't get rid of her and you don't set that rule firmly in stone, contract in blood, well you're in for a nasty ride for many years to come.

 

[LeeTJ]

Originally posted by: YingYang
I didn't know they have a large asian community in Pennsyvania? I thought they were all in California and Texas. Show you how much I know.

Nope

more asians in PA, NJ and NY than texas.

CA has the most, NY is 2nd then i'm not sure where PA, NJ and TX rank but PA has a very big asian population.

 

[777php]

Originally posted by: YingYang
How does your fiance feel about you wanting to cut the cord to the family? It sounds to me you are being too Americanized and as an asian we have different standards. Does your finance feel that you guys are pretty well off that you should contribute to her family? Being that your fiance is the oldest or at least one of the oldest, I think its a matter of pride for her to help out with her family. In typical asian tradition, its always been expected that the oldest in the family will take care of the family, but as asians assimilate with American society that value slowly is changing. I know you feel that her family are a bunch of thirsty blood suckers but how are they suppose to get by on welfare? Her dad probably doesn't speak English which is why he rarely works. Maybe you shouldn't marry your fiance if you are too "Americanized". Once you guys get married your fiance, assuming she's brought up the "old way" will ask you to help out her family more.

I really dislike the "you are too Americanized" statement. It's passing such a general judgement upon someone when all it is based on is a specific incident. While the incident may provide some information on the persons mindset, in no way does it encompass his/her entire philosophy.

While I sympathize with those who feel responsible for taking care of their parents and family, if put into their shoes I would probably bite the bullet and help out. However, with that said, for this situation I completely agree with lilcam.

YingYang brought up the point that perhaps her father doesn't speak english very well and that is why he does not work. I'll have to dispute this point by saying that I know plenty of mid 40's and mid 50 year old men who do not speak english very well that do work, and work hard. If you ever venture into Chinatown or any area with a high Asian population, the majority of the workers there, chefs, stock boys, janitors, waiters, etc. do not speak english. To say that he cannot find a job due to the fact that he cannot speak English, is just not true. Is it much more difficult to find a job? Absolutely!

What is the best way to teach a young child not to touch a hot stove? Let him/her find out the hard way and burn themselves, I guarantee that they will have learned their lesson. We can parallel this with lilcam's situation, with the GF's family being the young child. If they come to the realization that they will not be receiving any financial help and must resort to *gasp* working, then lilcam will have done society some justice. There is one less family taking advantage of the system and also it provides a good model to the young children in the family, that only with hard work will food be placed on the table.

For lilcam, point your GF to this thread so that perhaps she can read some views from other people's perspectives, it will be a good basis for your conversation.

 

[melly]

if her family genuinely needs the money, i would not be able to turn my back on them, even if it was just $20 here and there. this is her family, for crying out loud, she cannot just turn her back on these people. if she wants to give her own money to them, that's fine. maybe to her it was a priority. encourage the younger siblings to do well in school so they can possibly earn scholarships. each generation is supposed to do better than the previous one, after all, not worse.

 

[StageLeft]

lilcam you aren't the one that had that issue some time back with your fiancee's family begging you for $10k to subsidize some student loan effort are you?

 

[waggy]

Im all for helping out family members. I have no problem helping out my parents. Without them I would not be here.

But I do draw the line at supporting someone. If they are on welfare then you would be supporting them (come to think of it so am i). If they can?t go get a job to help out then I would NOT help them. They have no respect for themselves so why should you?

I?m in a similar situation. My wife?s family are a bunch of lazy no good bums. They are great people and I love them dearly but they are lazy. My father in law was seriously hurt in the Vietnam war and cant work (understandable he can bearly walk or move) but my mother-in-law does not work outside of the house and she has a degree!

They do foster care which is great but it does not pay there bills. It seems every month we have to loan/give them some money. When It the in-laws and there youngest daughter (age 9 now) me and the wife talked with them because they stated they will need help with bills eventually (at the time her mother was working). Well she quit her job and adopted 2 kids and took in more foster kids! We talked to them again and stated that since they can?t pay the bills maybe they should stop foster care and get a job. She said it was not my problem and to not worry about it (even though the house was in foreclose we got it up to date).

Well I told my wife that I was not going to help them since they do not want to help themselves. When I was 17 I inherited a bunch of money that I invested and made a bunch more. I?m 30years old and don?t need to work to survive. My father and I own a few car lots which I make a good living from.

While I have the money and can afford to support them Me and my wife came to the decision that we are going to cut back. Let them do what they want. If they don?t want to work and pay the bills then that is there problem. I have my bills and my 8 month old daughter to worry about.

Heh anyway my point is if I was you I would talk to her now and set limits. If she cant live with them then it would be a good idea to maybe move on. Oh thanks for letting me rant!

 

[Aquaman]

Originally posted by: Skoorb
lilcam you aren't the one that had that issue some time back with your fiancee's family begging you for $10k to subsidize some student loan effort are you?

That sounds familiar but I have not founnd that thread. He is the guy who's GF cheated on him though

Cheers,
Aquaman

 

[olds]

Originally posted by: Skoorb
lilcam you aren't the one that had that issue some time back with your fiancee's family begging you for $10k to subsidize some student loan effort are you?

This whole thing sounds very familar. He didn't answer my question so I am still wondering.

 

[LuckyTaxi]

1 - Yes I posted something similar also, but back then it wasn't as serious as now
2 - yes she cheated on me, but things are working out now.
3 - I am NOT leaving her because we've been through so much and we both put too much effort into this relationship
4 - Skoorb, no I wasnt the one in regards to the loan.

Many ppl agree with me about her parents being on welfare and not wantign to better themselves. I understand ppl
who speak english as a second language will have a tough time, but I see witness a lot of foreigners working in many
stores who barely know english. Regardless, they are working to feed their family.

I'm not saying I will cut off ALL spending towards the family, but her mom doesn't understand we have bills. She thinks
we're rich because we both work. I spent over $200 last week on the kids clothing, so I am doing something for her
parents, but not contributing finacially towards her parents. They should be grateful the kids have clothes on their backs.
Yet, she seems to think we always have money laying around. She gets around $800/month to feed her kids and stuff.
Her mortgage (through an uncle) is like $250 (dont ask how it's that low, but it's a row home). So that's like $550/month
on food and utilities. I know the welfare system gives you just enough to get by. What their problem is is that they feed
other ppl and spend money on things they dont need.

BTW ... those who say I should support her parents are saying they support lazy a$$ ppl who leech off the system.
My girl's old neighborhood where her parents' live are filled with ppl who are on welfare and working udner the table.
They bring in good amount of money, so I dont wanna hear someone on welfare complaining they dont have money.
Stop buying the karaoke cds and driving cars you can't afford to pay for. Buy your kids computers and food to feed them
cuz most of them look like they need to gain a few pounds.

 

[human2k]

Originally posted by: Renob
I would not give them one penny, tell them to get jobs sound like the dad is a big looser

 

[Yax]

Originally posted by: lilcam


I know it's not my place to say anything if she uses her money, but here's something that just happened.

She needs to get her priorities straight ...

I wont leave the relationship becuz I put too much into this. We've been through too much just to throw it away becuz of her parents.
i've made significant improvements in her life - changes she wouldnt have done if she continued to live with her parents. If u really
wanna know how her dad is, take this ...

You're right about getting her priorities straight, but you need to get your straight too. Be the man and tell her everything on your mind. Don't hold anything back. Start an argument if you need to. It will let you know how strong your relationship really is. You should leave now if necessary. Leaving later will be more costly.

Plus, what happens when you have kids but the parents keep asking you to give your money away to them. Wouldn't you rather put your money away for your kids?

In other related stories: I had a friend who married a girl from Mainland China, his dad kept on asking for money and he kept on giving it till the girl stepped in. She said "NO". She said if he kept on giving his dad money like that, his dad will never try to do better and just leech off them for the rest of their lives and she didn't want anything to do with it. He stopped, his dad stopped asking for money. End of story.

 

[DAM]

dude, your relationship will not last, you are seeing the ealy signs of a perpetually doomed relationship, but you are to dense to acknowledge the facts. good luck to you. honestly, her parents and their money problems should be the least of your concerns.


dam()

 

[StageLeft]

Skoorb, no I wasnt the one in regards to the loan.

OK Phew

You sound like your head is on your shoulders for sure and I am sure you'll do well for yourself in the future. It would just really suck to have her family continually leeching your income. You might find yourself buying a used crappy car and using that to drive to family get togethers and sending fake pictures of ghetto housing and telling her family you live there just to protect your money :Q

Backing up family is one thing but in this case they don't even seem to really want to help themselves...

 

[sciencetoy]

One thing that worked for my sister, her husband had a deadbeat mooching family, is that whenever they got any money they immediately "bought" more stock, or put it into their house-buying fund, or whatever. That way, when the family asked for help, they said "okay but we don't have any extra money right now, maybe when we do get some."

They never did get any "extra" money. It all went into either the budget or the savings.