am I a bastard?

[Koing]

Originally posted by: Buck Armstrong
She's your mom, and since your dad got the kids back, it ended well. Who can you possibly forgive in this world if not your own mother?

 

[miniMUNCH]

OP: You are not a bastard. Your mom is psycho. Tell her you forgive her for "the court situation" and all the other crap that she put you through. Tell her that you hope she has a better life ahead of her, and that you'll see her like once a year at Christmas or during the summer, and that you'll call on her birthday, but that, other than the above contact, you don't want the drama that is her life.

 

[Koing]

Originally posted by: Buck Armstrong
She's your mom, and since your dad got the kids back, it ended well. Who can you possibly forgive in this world if not your own mother?

 

[j00fek]

im kinda boarderline on this one

 

[Tobolo]

Screw her

 

[wasssup]

Originally posted by: Tobolo
Screw her

not literally...unless she's hot.

 

[Allanv]

its been 10 years since i disowned my family and GOD i feel a better person now without all the ****** that came with them.

And they only live 2 streets away, my mother tried for a few years but has now given up.

So no your not a bastard, the way i see it that you cannot choose your family but you can choose to leave.

All i know is that if i had stayed around them i would not be the person i am now i have grow into a decent person and i wasnt before, i think i just rebelled all the time.

i am 38 now so even 10 years ago i was a complete bastard to everyone i ever met and none of it was their fault.

So dont go thinking your a bastard just look forward to the better things to come. there were times that i missed them but then thinking about them made me angry, so after a couple of years the anger subsided and the thoughts went away.

i am truely happy in myself now

Hope this puts your mind at rest

Regards

Allanv

 

[PingSpike]

I don't think so...I just tell her to call me when she got her shat together.

 

[Chryso]

Sounds like her entire family is crazy.
Would it be wrong to suggest that you have the grandparents euthanized?

 

[yowolabi]

Yes. It seems a lot (a lot, not all) of your mom's problems stem from your mom's mental illness. If you're not there for her, who else will be? Can I assume that she didn't abuse you and was a good mother to you growing up? When she is in her normal state of mind, was she a good, loving mom?

Can you blame her for not wanting to lose custody of her kids? What mother wouldn't fight as hard as possible to keep them? And if she can forgive you for testifying against her, can't you forive her for making it necessary because of her desire to keep her kids?

 

[Accipiter22]

WHAT?!?!??!?!? are you guys seriously condemning this guy? WTF is wrong with you people...his own mother turns on him, mental illness or not, sounds like she was being manipulative. if she wanted help, she'd take her medicine, OP you are NOT under any circumstances a bastard for doing htis. Maybe some day she'll be back to normal, and you two can reconcile, but for her to do what she did to you is unnacceptable, she's supposed to have unconditional love for you, not 'I love you when I need something, and then stab you in the back when i'm fine".

 

[DaShen]

Originally posted by: Gamer X
She was feeling desperate because you are out of her life and acted irrationally. Now she is old and lonely. Don't do this to her. Forgive her and make her happy. you don't want your children to cut you out of their lives when you are old, do you ?

LOL, give me a break. It is obvious from the evidence we are given that the mom is an unstable individual that really doesn't want to help herself.

Meh, some people need to cut people out of their lives to function properly, but it would be better if you addressed the rage issues against your mom before it effected your own relationships. (i.e. - your future SO) Don't allow her the trust you gave her before. I wouldn't force any relationship if it causes so much grief, but I will say that you should really consider giving it time and not cutting her off completely in your mind. Family ties are important. You need to address your pent up hostilities to her, even though they sound warranted, before they consume your emotional well being. Maybe you can try to forgive her overtime.

Write a letter to her expressing all your rage and problems with her attitude and unstable personality. Talk about how it hurt you that she dragged you and your dad through a lot of crap, and that she dragged her family into the problem. Write as much as you want. Read it afterwards. Then write a letter about the things that you appreciated about her when you were younger. Write as much as you want. It could be only one line/sentence, but write something genuine. Then burn both letters and write a new letter to her. Try to forgive her. If you still feel angry, put that on the letter and send it to her. Tell her that you will need a lot of time before she will gain your trust again, and that you hope one day she will get the help she needs. Don't break off all contact because eventually, when you feel an inkling to build that bridge again, it may be too hard. Try letters or emails. Talk about stuff that you would share with people in general, but don't talk about things that make you uncomfortable talking to her about. Time can heal a lot of wounds.

**EDIT**
BTW, I agree with Accipiter22 on this. Most of the people bad mouthing you are either parents who have never had a lot of family trauma in their lives. Or young idealist who have never had huge family trauma in their lives. Neither of these really understand what you are going through, only you. I wouldn't cut off all ties, but take it very slow, and don't force anything that you don't want.

You will find that you will feel a lot better if you actually write those letters and then write one to send to your mom.

 

[daniel49]

Originally posted by: Falloutboy
Ok long story but well background is needed I guess. But my main question is am I a bastard for cutting my mom out of my life?

Me an my mom have never got along ever since my dad and her got divorced when I was 14. a year after the divorce I moved in with my dad. my 2 sisters and my brother stayed with my mom (at the time my brother was 13 and my sisters were 4) I kept in contact and visted my mom regularly until I moved to AZ, during this time she would go thru modes of being perfectly normal to being borderline mental (later I would find out she was bi-polar yet refused to be medicated)

Well fast forward i'm 21 and i'm at work one night and she calls me up saying she is going to kill herself then hangs up on me (my sisters who are 11 now are at home alone in the middle of the night when she called me) I call 911 and get the cops to where I think she was and she was there and denies the whole incident even happend. Drama insued over the next few months. She agrees to let my dad take custidy of my sisters, and she is going to go get the help she needs. So he packs up everything and moves from AZ back to michigan. When he gets back and gets into a place she denies everything.

My dad desides this is enough and starts a very expensive drawn out custidy battle (my moms parents have alot of money). Essentially ends up comming down to me flying to michigan to back up my dad because my brother refused to testify. So she essentially forced me to get up in cort, with her entire side of the family essentially saying i'm a complete lier and disowning me.

My Dad gets custody and my sisters are doing alot better. I moved back to michigan and my mom now wants to be back in my life after the crap she made me go threw. So am I an ass for telling her to go to hell? She has done this before after I stoped talking and visiting her after other fights we had and went right back to being mental a few months later.

sorry about spelling and grammer but I can't really be arsed with it

i would say no. instead use your influence to get her medicated and see if that helps. bipolar people can do very strange things just like you described.

 

[Illusions89]

Yeah,you are a bastard

 

[Falloutboy]

Originally posted by: Chryso
Sounds like her entire family is crazy.
Would it be wrong to suggest that you have the grandparents euthanized?

you got that right 🙂
one of my aunts has been thru 3 marriges and her current one the guy wants to bale but only sticks around because he is scared to death to leave this women with his kids after seeing the hell that my grandparents and mother put my dad thru to get custidy of my sisters.

My uncle is a deadbeat and just turned 45 and still lives with my grandparents in there basement.

and my other sunt is about as mentaly unstable as my mom

god I can't beleave i'm related to these people.

Yes she was for the most part ok when I was a kid and when my parents were together, and during the divorce actaully didn't screw him over as much as she could (my dad owned at the time a fairly large HAVC/Heating Service Company that she didn't touch). My parents got into alot of arguments when I was a kid that I didn't fully understand and thru being naive blaimed the problems on my dad. My dad also ended up spending alot of time at work when I was a kid to what I'm guessing is to avoid her. But as I gre older I grew to understand what my dad went thru trying to keep our family together as long as he did. She is the type of person when she is mad at you she won't leave you alone and will keep pushing your buttons till your as mad as her till you just pop and do something you wouldn't normally do, then play the victim to everyone else.

 

[DaShen]

Originally posted by: daniel49
i would say no. instead use your influence to get her medicated and see if that helps. bipolar people can do very strange things just like you described.

Agreed. Actually bipolar people tend to be the worst offenders of not taking medication. Because one second they feel lousy and by the next spike they feel great. Another reason being that the "highs" can be exhilarating and addicting. Bi-polar people tend to feel they do their best work on the highs and lows, which is somewhat true, but it makes them unstable.

When they feel fine, they tend to shrug off any problems from before. Good idea is to have an intervention, but that will be very hard since it seems her family (parents and siblings) are putting up with the instability or ignoring it.

 

[WHAMPOM]

Originally posted by: Falloutboy
Ok long story but well background is needed I guess. But my main question is am I a bastard for cutting my mom out of my life?

Me an my mom have never got along ever since my dad and her got divorced when I was 14. a year after the divorce I moved in with my dad. my 2 sisters and my brother stayed with my mom (at the time my brother was 13 and my sisters were 4) I kept in contact and visted my mom regularly until I moved to AZ, during this time she would go thru modes of being perfectly normal to being borderline mental (later I would find out she was bi-polar yet refused to be medicated)

Well fast forward i'm 21 and i'm at work one night and she calls me up saying she is going to kill herself then hangs up on me (my sisters who are 11 now are at home alone in the middle of the night when she called me) I call 911 and get the cops to where I think she was and she was there and denies the whole incident even happend. Drama insued over the next few months. She agrees to let my dad take custidy of my sisters, and she is going to go get the help she needs. So he packs up everything and moves from AZ back to michigan. When he gets back and gets into a place she denies everything.

My dad desides this is enough and starts a very expensive drawn out custidy battle (my moms parents have alot of money). Essentially ends up comming down to me flying to michigan to back up my dad because my brother refused to testify. So she essentially forced me to get up in cort, with her entire side of the family essentially saying i'm a complete lier and disowning me.

My Dad gets custody and my sisters are doing alot better. I moved back to michigan and my mom now wants to be back in my life after the crap she made me go threw. So am I an ass for telling her to go to hell? She has done this before after I stoped talking and visiting her after other fights we had and went right back to being mental a few months later.

sorry about spelling and grammer but I can't really be arsed with it

You can forgive her for her past actions, you don't have to put with your mother's future ones.

 

[GeekDrew]

Originally posted by: DaShen
Meh, some people need to cut people out of their lives to function properly, but it would be better if you addressed the rage issues against your mom before it effected your own relationships. (i.e. - your future SO)

I quoted this for emphasis. I didn't do that, and as a result, I've pushed away (seemingly irreparably) several people that were otherwise close to me. You don't necessarily have to reconcile the issues you have (as some people are never able to do that); just make sure that you state them very clearly - on paper. That helps me think more clearly... I can think something sounds right when I say it, but it looks like an entirely different meaning to me when written on paper. I don't know *how* many letters I've written and then discarded.

 

[lytalbayre]

I agree with everyone that says you're not a bastard. Bottom line is that your mom has problems and is in denial. She's not actively seeking any help, and will continue dragging everyone around her down until she does.

As long as you feel like you've done everything you can without sacrificing your own sanity to help her get help, then you have done nothing ethically wrong. These types of people often have to be forced into and ultimatum type of situation before they will change...