It's a tough situation simply because it's your Dad. It's easy for everyone to sit back and tell you you're crazy to let him live with you.
They likely would be having the same conflict if they were in your position.
Bottom line is, your decision needs to be not to let him come. Being your parent does, IMO, entitle a person to some considerations that one would never give to a non-relative, but mooching off you and basically ruining your family (or potential) life isn't one of them.
They likely would be having the same conflict if they were in your position.
Bottom line is, your decision needs to be not to let him come. Being your parent does, IMO, entitle a person to some considerations that one would never give to a non-relative, but mooching off you and basically ruining your family (or potential) life isn't one of them.
I'd only do it on the condition that he quit drinking completely, paid rent, paid for his share of living expenses (food, utilities, transportation, etc.), and held a steady job.
if you find it this hard to tell him he cant move in imagine how much harder it will be to tell him to leave once he has settled in your house and life....
once he is in your house and daily live you will find it harder to imagine him out on the street on his own...you will feel guilty and continue to let him leech off of you...
once he is in your house and daily live you will find it harder to imagine him out on the street on his own...you will feel guilty and continue to let him leech off of you...
sounds like you already made up your mind not sure what you are looking for here, validation? Anyway, if you are religious the bible says the man that doesnt care for his family is worse than a non believer. Then again he abandoned you so is he really family idk. I wouldnt do it and plus when you get a gf/wife and you have an old drunk around the house I cant even imagine the problems that would cause. He probably has a good 20 years left in him as well.
I would not let him live with me until he joins AA or some sorta rehab for at least 2 months. THEN talk about helping him out.
Exactly what I was going to say. This will hold up your life at a very critical time, assuming you are in your 20's and unmarried. DO NOT DO THIS. You'll regret it for the rest of your life.
My sister actually had some sage advice for me once for a similar situation where a deadbeat parent kept asking for my support, one way or another. She said, "we teach people how to treat us." So, tell him no, and tell him why, be strong for yourself, and it might even help him in the long run.
irishScott
Lifer
- Oct 10, 2006
- 21,562
- 3
- 0
It takes some serious balls to tell a parent in need no, but sometimes that's what's got to happen. It is possible though.
I know this sounds cold, but you've got to think of him not as your father, but as your equal. As a friend per se. Would you let a friend whom you parted ways with on bad terms come back 12 years later as an alchoholic and live with you for 20 some-odd years (maybe more)?
He's an adult, he made mistakes, and he has to face them. You can certainly help him, but as far as living with you goes, HELL NO.
It will definately strain your relationship with your SO at the very least. I can gurantee that. Not to mention he extra cost/stress/time/etc it will absolutely ruin your life.
Not to mention the fact that he'll probably be drunk half-the time.
As for what to say, there's no nice way to say it. Just get straight at it. Tell him no and tell him why. And be solid. It doesn't matter if he promises to do AA, pills, whatever. It's your life, your decision is final.
Think about it this way: He's allowing his individual problems to severley harm your quality of life, and he probably knows he's doing this at some level. IMO for this alone he doesn't even deserve to call himself a father except in the most biological sense.
Parents don't intentionally let individual problems they can fix negativly effect their children. Period. If they do, they are weak, moronic, and never deserved to have kids in the first place.
I know this sounds cold, but you've got to think of him not as your father, but as your equal. As a friend per se. Would you let a friend whom you parted ways with on bad terms come back 12 years later as an alchoholic and live with you for 20 some-odd years (maybe more)?
He's an adult, he made mistakes, and he has to face them. You can certainly help him, but as far as living with you goes, HELL NO.
It will definately strain your relationship with your SO at the very least. I can gurantee that. Not to mention he extra cost/stress/time/etc it will absolutely ruin your life.
Not to mention the fact that he'll probably be drunk half-the time.
As for what to say, there's no nice way to say it. Just get straight at it. Tell him no and tell him why. And be solid. It doesn't matter if he promises to do AA, pills, whatever. It's your life, your decision is final.
Think about it this way: He's allowing his individual problems to severley harm your quality of life, and he probably knows he's doing this at some level. IMO for this alone he doesn't even deserve to call himself a father except in the most biological sense.
Parents don't intentionally let individual problems they can fix negativly effect their children. Period. If they do, they are weak, moronic, and never deserved to have kids in the first place.
No! No! No! Don't even entertain the thought. He will ruin your life once again and do you really have time for another recovery? Screw guilt!! Call Al-Anon and ask your questions inside one of their meetings. PM me if you wish. I am 25 years sober and have worked in the "recovery industry" for a very brief time. It sucked being surrounded by personal devastation everyday. 1.5 years of part time work and I was done.
Do you want to parent your father? Think about it...because that is what you will have to do.
Do you want to parent your father? Think about it...because that is what you will have to do.
sixone
Lifer
- May 3, 2004
- 25,030
- 5
- 61
Good idea, but even then, I wouldn't let him move in. If it makes you feel less guilty, find him a place to live that's relatively close by.
Adults shouldn't live with their parents, or the parents with their children, unless it's a mutually beneficial situation. This clearly isn't.
I understand where you're coming from somewhat. I'm the primary care provider for my father, who is a very old 77 and a severe alcoholic. The only difference is that mine never abandoned me or my family.
It's very difficult...more because you're watching them die than for any specific inconvenience to me. It's doubly so with kids around, and having to provide some shielding for the harsher realities.
However it's also a blessing...to return the care that they provided you as a child. And to receive the benefits of their knowledge and life experiences. Tough as it is sometimes I wouldn't trade it for the world.
With the abandonment issue though it's a whole new ballgame. I'm not sure how I'd feel about it under those circumstances. Best of luck whatever you decide.
It's very difficult...more because you're watching them die than for any specific inconvenience to me. It's doubly so with kids around, and having to provide some shielding for the harsher realities.
However it's also a blessing...to return the care that they provided you as a child. And to receive the benefits of their knowledge and life experiences. Tough as it is sometimes I wouldn't trade it for the world.
With the abandonment issue though it's a whole new ballgame. I'm not sure how I'd feel about it under those circumstances. Best of luck whatever you decide.
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