Alcoholic Father wants to move in with me...

[zixxer]

To make a very long story short..

My Dad was very influential in my life until I was about 10 years old. Due to back child support and other 'issues' he moved away. I've gone and visited him once or twice since then. (I'm 22 now)

He's started calling more often lately, and is hinting at wanting to move down here with me. He currently lives on the other side of the country. He's too old to really work, especially in his "field" as a carpenter. He has not saved any money or prepared at all for any type of retirement.

I know that if this happens he will live with me until he dies. I have some issues with the fact that he left my sister and I, and now that he needs me/us he's wanting to come back. This will be a fairly large financial/social/emotional burden as he's also a raging alcoholic.

Also, I have a lot of stress right now - I'm almost done with school, purchased a home, etc etc - and I'm not sure how much this will affect my life.


Opinions?


..this stemmed from a drunk call I just got from him.. at a lovely 2pm.. saying he's ready to pack his stuff and move down.



Edit:

Just got off the phone with him... again. I don't think I'm going to let him stay with me, I just need to figure out a good way to tell him. Arg.

 

[bonkers325]

tell him BYOB and all will be well

but seriously, you're too young to be supporting someone who may make your life very uncomfortable. an unemployed alcoholic? he's already done you damage once by moving away, are you really ready to accept him back into your life?

 

[Hacp]

Social Security exists for a reason.

 

[biggestmuff]

Don't do it.

 

[zixxer]

Originally posted by: Hacp
Social Security exists for a reason.

For a lot of reasons I don't care to go into - I'm not sure if he can receive social security.

 

[Aikouka]

I wouldn't do it.

 

[randay]

he owes you, you dont owe him, but then again, he is your father.

 

[Xyclone]

He abandoned you at an age important that he stay. It's up to you. If you're not close with him, I wouldn't. It sounds like he wants to leech off of you.

 

[Hacp]

Tell him to get help first. Then, get a job at McDonalds. Minimum Wage exists for a reason.

 

[PepePeru]

ask your mom or sister?

Does he have any siblings that are still alive that you can ask for advice?

Do you have a SO, what does (s)he think?

Are there *any* prospects for him to get a job doing something? not necessarily carpentry, but something so he's not sitting around the house getting drunk, taking advantage of you?

 

[Inspector Jihad]

let him stay with you on the conditions that he has to stop drinking - AA or whatever and that he'd have to take some responsibility in taking care of the house, not necessarily monetary.

 

[lokiju]

I understand the aspect that he's your father but you gotta realize this will make your life miserable.

If you don't accommodate him, he'll find a way to manage.

If you do then you'll be trapped in a horrible situation until he dies.

This would hold up your life completely, think about trying to find a woman to settle down with, do you think many women out there are going to be big on the idea of marrying and living with a guy that has a alcoholic father living with him? I sure as hell don't think so.

Do yourself a huge favor and say no.

Just my opinion though...

 

[zixxer]

Originally posted by: G Wizard
ask your mom or sister?

Does he have any siblings that are still alive that you can ask for advice?

Do you have a SO, what does (s)he think?

Are there *any* prospects for him to get a job doing something? not necessarily carpentry, but something so he's not sitting around the house getting drunk, taking advantage of you?

Mom and sister are out of the question.

No.

Yes, she seemed willing to stand beside me with whatever decision I make

Possibly at Lowe's or Home Depot. I'm not 100% sure of his legal situation in this state though.

 

[Abe Froman]

Free Booze!!!

 

[Hacp]

Originally posted by: Inspector Jihad
let him stay with you on the conditions that he has to stop drinking - AA or whatever and that he'd have to take some responsibility in taking care of the house, not necessarily monetary.

Never works.

 

[Zolty]

I would go so far as to help him find a place to live, and maybe pay for a month or two of rent if he needs it. He can work, walmart loves to higher seniors.

 

[Narmer]

I wouldn't do it. Try to help him out if you can but the last thing you need is more burden. Keep him out of your house.

 

[zixxer]

Originally posted by: Inspector Jihad
let him stay with you on the conditions that he has to stop drinking - AA or whatever and that he'd have to take some responsibility in taking care of the house, not necessarily monetary.

He's been an alcoholic since before I was born - I doubt he'll stop and cannot rely on that.

 

[djheater]

Originally posted by: zixxer
To make a very long story short..

My Dad was very influential in my life until I was about 10 years old. Due to back child support and other 'issues' he moved away. I've gone and visited him once or twice since then. (I'm 22 now)

He's started calling more often lately, and is hinting at wanting to move down here with me. He currently lives on the other side of the country. He's too old to really work, especially in his "field" as a carpenter. He has not saved any money or prepared at all for any type of retirement.

I know that if this happens he will live with me until he dies. I have some issues with the fact that he left my sister and I, and now that he needs me/us he's wanting to come back. This will be a fairly large financial/social/emotional burden as he's also a raging alcoholic.

Also, I have a lot of stress right now - I'm almost done with school, purchased a home, etc etc - and I'm not sure how much this will affect my life.


Opinions?


..this stemmed from a drunk call I just got from him.. at a lovely 2pm.. saying he's ready to pack his stuff and move down.

Tell him you love him and will help him in any way you can but can not endanger your own prospects to do so.
I had a father I had to keep at arms length financially in order to protect myself from risk. This didn't mean that I didn't love him or wouldn't do everything I could to help him, but I couldn't (and I let him know this) endanger my own family to support him.
If he's a drunk, he probably won't understand, and he'll take it personally, don't get in fights with the guy, just tell him you love him, but you also have to love yourself, and make certain you can support a family when you have one.

 

[Narmer]

Originally posted by: djheater

Originally posted by: zixxer
To make a very long story short..

My Dad was very influential in my life until I was about 10 years old. Due to back child support and other 'issues' he moved away. I've gone and visited him once or twice since then. (I'm 22 now)

He's started calling more often lately, and is hinting at wanting to move down here with me. He currently lives on the other side of the country. He's too old to really work, especially in his "field" as a carpenter. He has not saved any money or prepared at all for any type of retirement.

I know that if this happens he will live with me until he dies. I have some issues with the fact that he left my sister and I, and now that he needs me/us he's wanting to come back. This will be a fairly large financial/social/emotional burden as he's also a raging alcoholic.

Also, I have a lot of stress right now - I'm almost done with school, purchased a home, etc etc - and I'm not sure how much this will affect my life.


Opinions?


..this stemmed from a drunk call I just got from him.. at a lovely 2pm.. saying he's ready to pack his stuff and move down.

Tell him you love him and will help him in any way you can but can not endanger your own prospects to do so.
I had a father I had to keep at arms length financially in order to protect myself from risk. This didn't mean that I didn't love him or wouldn't do everything I could to help him, but I couldn't (and I let him know this) endanger my own family to support him.
If he's a drunk, he probably won't understand, and he'll take it personally, don't get in fights with the guy, just tell him you love him, but you also have to love yourself, and make certain you can support a family when you have one.

Well said.

 

[NuroMancer]

It is family so that always makes it hard, but I have to say just like others, this is going to hold up your life.

If you and your SO consider kids, you will have to worry about what kind of influence he will be on them... etc, etc. There are so many worries and problems you'll be bringing into your home.

I mean seriously, your 22, so he is probally 50 ish? Still has lots of time to get a job and find a way to live a normal life.

 

[ggnl]

It's a ***** situation. I've been there before, and as a result of my decision, my father ended up homeless for about 4 months, living off of friends. I suffered a lot of sleepless nights because of it, but I think I made the right decision because it forced him to deal with his problems somewhat and come up with a solution that didn't rely on other people's charity. Had I let him move in with me he might still be here today.

 

[Flyback]

You have the ability to give him the chance that he never gave you. I don't know how you'd do it with a raging alcoholic, but you'd need some pretty stringent ground rules if you try it.

It doesn't have to be all over because he wasn't there in the formative years. For many people their "adult" years with their parents are the best because they are more like friends instead of parents.

It sounds like a heavy burden and it isn't "fair" to take it on given what he did to you, but then again life isn't about being fair. It comes down to what you want out of life given the cards you were dealt and what you're willing to give for it. You can write him off for those missing 12 years or you can make the best of the future. One of those options is far more difficult but can also be very rewarding.

 

[olds]

I am flabbergasted that you would even consider it or need to ask the question.
You should be protecting yourself, your finances and any wife or kids you may have in the future.

 

[Safeway]

I would say no. It will lead to confrontations between you and your significant other. He will get in the way of your intimate times. He might steal things to buy alcohol. He will puke on your floors.

Honestly, think about it. He didn't want anything to do with you until he was in need. Don't give him the time of day.