Advice for helping to support family?

[highland145]

We cut off the money and let her mom sink back into a financial blackhole

At this point, yes.

They will forget all the help you have given, and hate you instantly.

This too.

 

[Vdubchaos]

I'm not sure lowering help won't affect our relationship but you're right - its a discussion that needs to be had - carefully

The second you even HINT at stopping or lowering support....expect a major shit storm from MIL and your wife.

Think about how you are going to handle that BEFORE you do Step 1 (if you even do it).

Regardless, remember YOU ARE THE PROBLEM too. I actually have a similar situation with my MIL and my wifes 2 brothers (26 and 32) and there is NO WAY IN HELL I would even think about giving my MIL ANY money.

Thankfully my wife agrees with me and knows how that would go. Lady is 55 and treats her adult kids like babies. They continue to use her and strip her of every little thing she has/had and will have.

She doesn't see it that way and simply refuses to apply ANY tough love. So we will let her learn the hard way.

Her brothers have 0 incentive to get their shit together.....I blame MIL more than I blame her brothers simply because she failed to teach them proper and cut off support when it needed to be cut of (decade or so ago). They are simply a result of her lack of actions/parenting.

So they keep sucking on her titties like little babies.....her problem.

I simply REFUSE to help ANYONE (family/friend.....whoever) that refuse to help themselves. If there is a real issue that was not caused by self inflicted pain and REAL crisis, sure I will lend a hand, but even then I'm not sure if I would simply give out money.

And trust me, we tried, but every time we tried to help our MIL got angry/defensive and started arguing. All of the signs of a person that is not willing to accept the truth/reality and deal with problems head on.

 

[Theb]

As much as I like giving money to my MIL to give to my sister in law so she can take vacations while my MIL takes out payday loans and draws from her 401(k) we just finished helping her get out of debt.

My wife has talked to her about it an she says she knows she shouldn't do it and will stop but she doesn't.

Past behavior is an excellent predictor of future behavior. She's going to end up over her head in debt. If you bail her out she's going to end up over her head in debt again.

She clearly doesn't want to live within her means. I'm sure she could do the arithmetic and manage it if she wanted to, but she doesn't want to. It sounds like bailing her out hasn't encouraged her to stick to a budget. I doubt bailing her out a few more times will motivate her.

 

[Dr. Detroit]

Tough love is the only way for your MIL to see the light -

cut her significantly off from the majority of support you provide. Her kids will bleed her dry, and until she stands up for herself they will bleed you dry too. You are now supporting your family + her family.

Perhaps your kids will resent all the money and time you spent with the MIL rather than on them.

 

[Malak]

There's no such thing as tough love. You either love unconditionally or you don't. Not helping isn't love no matter the justification.

 

[nickbits]

There's no such thing as tough love. You either love unconditionally or you don't. Not helping isn't love no matter the justification.

Sorry but you're wrong, not helping is helping in the long run.

 

[NetWareHead]

There's no such thing as tough love. You either love unconditionally or you don't. Not helping isn't love no matter the justification.

I'd argue that love for the mother in law is the only thing that will make her change. Tough love is tough on the OP. I think it would hurt him to provoke a fight with MIL and possibly wife but at the sametime it pains him to see her in this condition.

 

[surfsatwerk]

There's no such thing as tough love. You either love unconditionally or you don't. Not helping isn't love no matter the justification.

Enabling a person to harm themselves is not "love".

 

[sixone]

Regardless of what's happened in the past, your MIL WANTS to live this way NOW. So she does, even though she knows better. That's her choice, and you should respect it, no matter how tough it is.

If your wife wants to do something, put some money away for when your MIL really needs it - when she loses her job, her house, or her car. Talk to your wife about what possible scenarios reach the level of NEED, then put the money away for when that day comes, but don't donate to your MIL until she reaches that point.

 

[Kaido]

I dunno... Thoughts? Advice?

Man, that's a tough situation Life would be a lot easier if everyone just acted like adults. I mean, everybody goes through tough times at one point or another and it's nice to be able to both get help and give help, but the rest of the family is definitely using you guys through your MIL.

The nice thing about America is that you only fail if you want to. So even if you cut them off, there's still food stamps, government aid, free cell phones from the state, soup kitchens, etc. Your excuse for cutting them off can simply be that you are in some tough financial times yourself (go buy a new Core i7 gaming system and then it'll be true! haha).

So basically, it sounds like the children are acting irresponsibly and are taking advantage of your MIL. As long as she keeps being a pushover (a harsh word, because she is trying to be a supportive mom to them, but they are clearly using her), they aren't going to learn because the gravy train is going to keep on rolling. In that situation, I would halt all funds going in there. There are other avenues for support if they need it.

The one catch is that your wife feels guilty and continues sending monetary support, which keeps getting passed to the other kids, so the cycle continues. I would have a discussion with her about how you want to help, but you also don't want to encourage freeloading, and that alternative means of support are available to help them grow. You don't want those kids to be dependent all their lives, especially if they are 20+ years old already and still mooching off mom.

 

[sunzt]

2 things:

1) Have only the MIL move in with you and don't give her any allowance.

2) The SIL will fk up so bad eventually that you have to (and should) gain custody of the grandkid.

 

[skimple]

I agree with the offer to have her move in with you.

We want to help you out, but times are tough...
You can come stay with us, we can give you a place to live, food...
Just not enough room for everybody...
We can't keep up like this...

 

[Exterous]

Thank you all for the advice.

 

[s0me0nesmind1]

OP - In a very similar situation, except my (soon to be) MIL has kids that all learned to grow-up. However the MIL is stuck working Walmart, bairly living with no retirement. She withdraws from her 401k.

1 of her kids (my BIL supplied her with a car)
We pay her cell-phone.

The rest she can handle. But nevertheless, what my fiance wants is for her mom to move in with us. I can't say I'm excited about such an event, however she lives by a much closer family standard.

As far as what you should do? Cut her off. It's the only true way for you to show love. It's the only way to show love is for life to SMACK people across the face like a barbed wire wrapped club.

edit: Made my post for MIL to move in before reading - apparently I'm not the only one suggesting.

edit2: My situation is a bit different in that my MIL DOESNT WANT ANY HELP. She is stuck in the "I'm the parent, I took care of you - you shouldn't be treating me like a child paying for everything". However she often gets duped in life if we don't pay for stuff and if we dont look out for her.

 

[Puppies04]

There's no such thing as tough love. You either love unconditionally or you don't. Not helping isn't love no matter the justification.

So if your mother was addicted to crack you would rather go get her some than put her through a painful withdrawal.

What's that smell? I think... no hold on it definitely is bullshit.

 

[s0me0nesmind1]

So if your mother was addicted to crack you would rather go get her some than put her through a painful withdrawal.

What's that smell? I think... no hold on it definitely is bullshit.

Bazinga!

 

[Hugo Drax]

What you are doing is great and if you are able, keep doing. The other details are out of your control. I know it is distressing but you will be rewarded for your kindness.

He will not be rewarded for his kindness.

 

[Geekbabe]

Why not purchase a one bedroom condo in the area where MIL lives & works? Tell her she is welcome to live there if she pays utilities and the condo fees but that there is only one bedroom, the adult kids will need to find their own housing.

You get to own a new property, MIL gets a real hand & leeching children have to shove off.

 

[SolMiester]

Wow OP, this is a tough one and I must say good on you for the support so far, but as most have already said, until rock bottom, there is little chance of her or the leeches changing their ways...
If you stop the money, perhaps the leeches will go elsewhere and the A-hole too, is he still there living with her?....
You have already tried to help, but unless she changes her ways, you are not really helping at all and in fact are just enabling her to carry on as per usual.

Im afraid the MIL will have to take the action herself, after you stop providing the whereall, until then......?!

 

[rcpratt]

Everything has pretty much been covered, but holy crap. Cut her/them off.

Also, letting MIL move in with you is an equally terrible decision in my eyes.

 

[Kadarin]

Your money isn't being used well, and you really have no way to ensure that it will ever be used well. These people are leeching off of you, and my opinion is that everyone will be better off in the long term if you cut off the flow, and the sooner the better.

As others have said, they will all hate you immediately. But so what?

 

[nisryus]

I would talk with the MIL and explain the whole situation - how this is bad for her kids and grand kid. She might not realized what she is doing is bad for her kids at all. If you have to cut off the support, do it slowly and little by little. Best way is to move her to live with you so the brother and sister can learn to live themselves.

 

[JTsyo]

I would talk with the MIL and explain the whole situation - how this is bad for her kids and grand kid. She might not realized what she is doing is bad for her kids at all. If you have to cut off the support, do it slowly and little by little. Best way is to move her to live with you so the brother and sister can learn to live themselves.

Any chance your wife and guilt her siblings into stop leaching? Tell them you have to cut MIL off since they are wasting all the money and sucking her dry.

 

[Pr0d1gy]

Props to you for trying to take care of your family Ex, but if they cannot be responsible with the help they are given then you need to cut them off....especially if the money is going to a working age sibling that is also wasting it. It is not your responsibility to make sure your Sister In Law gets to go on vacation.

If they decide to stop talking to you again, or cut contact in any way, I am willing to become an honorary member of your family and be responsible with the help you give me.

^_^

 

[Malak]

Enabling a person to harm themselves is not "love".

This isn't about enabling her to harm herself. This is about enabling her period. NOT helping HURTS her. Your distorted idea of a solution is why there's a saying that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. You don't know what's really good.