Adoption?

[marsbound2024]

Hello, I am just curious if anyone here has adopted a child or thought about adoption? I myself hope to adopt a child in the future when I am eligible to do so (you have to be at least 25).

I know many people adopt internationally, but I am actually thinking about adopting domestically (within the United States or perhaps Canada). I certainly understand the immense responsibilities required both financially and emotionally and thus am just curious if anyone has any advice.

For those in the know I do have some questions. I am a single guy so I am unsure if this precludes me from adopting in any way in my late 20s? Honestly, I am not sure if I will ever get married as this isn't a very important part of life for me. I enjoy a close circle of friends and acquaintenances, but have never really had much benefit--or luck--from female companionship, despite many of my closer friends being female.

Also, does anyone know approximately how much it costs to adopt domestically on average? I know these figures can range, but maybe a ballpark estimate if someone has one?

I know some people want more of an idea why I want to adopt: there are countless thousands if not millions of children in the world needing and deserving of a parent. Instead of simply adding to the population with a child of my own--which will not be easy if I don't get married or get a girl pregnant, haha--I think adoption is my favored route. I think everyone deserves to be loved, despite how cheesy and cliche that sounds.

Helpful comments are appreciated.

 

[olds]

...

Helpful comments are appreciated.

You new here?

 

[rocadelpunk]

How old are your friends/acquaintances and do they have children?

 

[marsbound2024]

Well I recently "came back" to these forums in early April. So yes, I can be considered new, oldsmoboat.

rocadelpunk: Interestingly most of my friends are quite a bit older (later 20s or 30s) and married typically. Although I have a good bit of friends my age, I often prefer the maturity of older individuals. Also, yes, some of my married friends have children. I enjoy spending time with them.

 

[zerocool84]

It's funny that you have to be financially well off to adopt a kid but can pop-out 10 while living in the projects and get paid by the government for it.

 

[marsbound2024]

It's funny that you have to be financially well off to adopt a kid but can pop-out 10 while living in the projects and get paid by the government for it.

I've thought about that fact myself. Luckily from what I have read, there are grants and other programs for potential adoptive parents. Although currently I am not ready to adopt financially (I am doing quite well for my age, but I would like to make even more to maximize comfort for both myself and an adopted child), I think I will be by the time I am eligible to adopt.

I do wish adoption wasn't such an expensive endeavor, though. I can see the need for it in many situations, but I think if one wants to adopt yet isn't financially able to spend the $10k or even more that some people end up spending, they shouldn't have to.

 

[JulesMaximus]

Why not do it the old fashioned way? It's way more fun than filling out paperwork and dealing with government agencies.

 

[marsbound2024]

Why not do it the old fashioned way? It's way more fun than filling out paperwork and dealing with government agencies.

You are referring to not adopting at all and instead having a kid of my own? I don't want to do that. Like I said, I'd prefer to adopt a child. If we all decided against adopting, there would be lots of children out there without homes and left to be supported by government run programs until they are kicked out after they turn 18.

Besides, although as much of a headache as paperwork and dealing with the government may be, I am willing to do that to ensure one more child is put into a deserving home.

 

[AreaCode707]

No answers here but I'll be following the thread with interest. I posted a related thread a while back and didn't get any response.

There are lots of kids out there needing a home. As long as you expect any adopted child to be as or more difficult to raise than your bio kids and aren't expecting a life filled with "OMG you are the best person in the world to have adopted me!" then you are headed the right direction.

These forums might be more useful for you on this topic:
http://forums.adoption.com/

 

[Miramonti]

You can give the world a new child, or give a child a new world.

 

[marsbound2024]

No answers here but I'll be following the thread with interest. I posted a related thread a while back and didn't get any response.

There are lots of kids out there needing a home. As long as you expect any adopted child to be as or more difficult to raise than your bio kids and aren't expecting a life filled with "OMG you are the best person in the world to have adopted me!" then you are headed the right direction.

These forums might be more useful for you on this topic:
http://forums.adoption.com/

Thanks a lot for your reply. I am definitely not perceiving this situation through rose-colored glasses. I know how difficult it will be--even more so than a biological child because there aren't so many questions or comments (like "You aren't even my read dad!" or "Why should I trust you?"). I know that especially as the child becomes a teenager there will be a lot of mistrust, questioning and probably rebelliousness (as any other teenager but perhaps to a greater extent). I am willing to deal with this though because deep down I know I helped this kid develop into who he or she will become as an adult.

jjsole: I think I prefer the latter.

 

[MAKENITO]

You can give the world a new child, or give a child a new world.

I like this

 

[AreaCode707]

Why not do it the old fashioned way? It's way more fun than filling out paperwork and dealing with government agencies.

For me there are a variety of answers to that question:
- I've never had a drive to have my own bio kids
- I don't see a need to produce another person in the world when there are already people who need a family
- I have some unfun genetic stuff that I don't really want to pass on
- I like working with teenagers and am ambivalent at best about working with younger kids
- I read about and know kids who are in such awful living situations that I think "why doesn't somebody do something about that?" and I have not right to think that if I'm not willing to be the somebody that steps in

Not everyone is cut out to be a foster or adoptive parent but anyone who thinks they are should definitely at least investigate the possibility. We need more people take raise up the kids who weren't given much of a shot at life through no fault of their own.

 

[AreaCode707]

Thanks a lot for your reply. I am definitely not perceiving this situation through rose-colored glasses. I know how difficult it will be--even more so than a biological child because there aren't so many questions or comments (like "You aren't even my read dad!" or "Why should I trust you?"). I know that especially as the child becomes a teenager there will be a lot of mistrust, questioning and probably rebelliousness (as any other teenager but perhaps to a greater extent). I am willing to deal with this though because deep down I know I helped this kid develop into who he or she will become as an adult.

jjsole: I think I prefer the latter.

Sounds good!

Again, not speaking from experience but from a fair amount of research, read up on RAD, spend some time thinking about the age and background you could handle in a child (infant? toddler with history of abuse?) and recognize that despite their best efforts CPS may not recognize all the signs of emotional disturbance in a kid so even the most "normal" adopted kid may have some problems that come up later in life beyond what a bio kid could have.

Spend some time thinking about your emotional response if the child wants to seek their bio parents and form a connection, casually or strongly, with them as an older teen or adult. Would you be willing to do open adoption (staying in touch with the bio parent/s) or closed only? Would you help the child find the bios when s/he is older?

 

[0roo0roo]

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/203080/the_truth_about_postadoption_syndrome.html?cat=25

 

[marsbound2024]

Thanks 0roo0roo. The article certainly opens my eyes to the possibilities that I may face after adoption. It would be foolish of me to make a statement such as "That could never happen to me" when in fact it can. However, making such a momentous decision in a child's life means that I myself have to take the immense burden of all the ups and downs that I might encounter. Given that I feel so passionately about the issue of adoption, I am comfortable in knowing I will have the necessary resolve to do something about any negative emotions that may (or may not) come up post-adoption. It's like a relationship, but much more important really. If times aren't smooth-sailing, then you find ways to resolve it. You have to exhaust all options to ensure the relationship is saved. For adoptive parents, I think you have to exhaust all options and then some if necessary because this is a child's life we are talking about.

 

[AreaCode707]

mars, what age child would you be thinking of adopting?

 

[wischeez]

My wife and I adopted our 2 kids that are at home yet. One is a boy, adopted out of the "system" from Illinois, and our other is a girl done by a lawyer, directly from her mother the day after her birth. Our boy was 2 when we got him, and is now 17. Our girl, like I said was 1 day old and is now 14. Love them both to death, and we are the only real parents they have ever known.
The adoptions were done quite a while ago, but if there is anything I can try to help you with, PM me and I'll try to answer your questions.

 

[marsbound2024]

mars, what age child would you be thinking of adopting?

Maybe anywhere between 3 and 7 years of age? I think it depends on the child though. I am a bit scared about adopting a young teen because there might be a lot more pushing-back than if I had adopted earlier and been with the child for most of his or her life. Although this doesn't mean I would rule it out, I just want to make sure the child has the highest chance of happiness that I can provide. The child's happiness comes first, although I can't completely put my happiness on the backburner obviously. I simply think the age range of 3-7 is best for me.

wischeez: Thanks so much for your input. It is wonderful to hear from someone who actually went through the adoption process. I do think I would benefit from talking to you more about it so I can get an idea of the various scenarios you went through while parenting your adopted children.

AreaCode707: I wanted to add one more thing; I would love to mentor teens and do it whenever I get the chance. I want to join a program so that I can be a "big brother." A married couple I am friends with has a 13 year old I always enjoy hanging out with despite the fact he has a good deal of behavioral problems.

 

[AreaCode707]

Maybe anywhere between 3 and 7 years of age? I think it depends on the child though. I am a bit scared about adopting a young teen because there might be a lot more pushing-back than if I had adopted earlier and been with the child for most of his or her life. Although this doesn't mean I would rule it out, I just want to make sure the child has the highest chance of happiness that I can provide. The child's happiness comes first, although I can't completely put my happiness on the backburner obviously. I simply think the age range of 3-7 is best for me.

wischeez: Thanks so much for your input. It is wonderful to hear from someone who actually went through the adoption process. I do think I would benefit from talking to you more about it so I can get an idea of the various scenarios you went through while parenting your adopted children.

If that's your target age, definitely be familiar with RAD and plan to spend some time in counseling with your child to help the adjustment.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reactive_attachment_disorder

 

[wischeez]

AreaCode707, I found out about that the hard way when we thought about adopting 2 more boys. One was 8 and the other was 10.

 

[marsbound2024]

If that's your target age, definitely be familiar with RAD and plan to spend some time in counseling with your child to help the adjustment.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reactive_attachment_disorder

I'll definitely read up on this. Although adoption is still a few years away at least (considering I only turn 22 here in two days), I do want to prepare myself regardless. I think literature is always helpful in order to prepare myself with various scenarios I may face and also to ensure that I can be the best parent that I possibly can be. I know I won't be perfect, but I do want to make sure that I am at least informed and patient.

 

[wischeez]

mars, is there a reason you want to adopt an older child?

 

[marsbound2024]

mars, is there a reason you want to adopt an older child?

I think because older children are aware of what has happened to them. They are aware that their parents gave them up. These children perhaps need more support than younger children might. I am unsure if this is the case, but it's just what I think would happen.

I want to come to them at that age and show them that someone does indeed care and can love them just as much as a biological parent would love their child. To be their best friend even through times where they act like they don't want to have anything to do with me. These children I think are some of the more vulnerable. They haven't been as hardened as some teenagers may have that are in the adoption program and yet they also aren't completely unaware of things as toddlers and infants are. It seems to be a good age range to step in and open my arms to them.

 

[wischeez]

http://adoption.about.com/cs/olderchildren/a/adjust.htm