Adoption?

[wischeez]

http://www.parents.com/parenting/adoption/stories/adopting-older-children/

 

[marsbound2024]

The best thing you can do for children with attachment problems is to let them know you love them, that you will always be there for them, and will try to help them in any way possible if they ask you... and they may need much more reassurance than you think should be needed. They need to be told it's okay to be angry about what happened before, and that it's okay to mourn the loss of original family if they remember it. They need to feel that they can bond or grow closer to their new family at their pace and not the adoptive family's pace. Remember, it is the adoptee who has been uprooted, who has the painful past, and who has to relearn to trust, not the new family. Some adoptees bond to a lesser extent, some a greater, and some adoptees never bond to their adoptive families in a way that satisfies the family's want/need.

Although the last sentence is certainly disconcerting, the rest of it involves suggestions that I am confident I would be able to do. I consider myself a very warm, supportive and understanding individual. I haven't had the perfect life and in fact have been through a lot of extremely stressing events despite being only 21 years of age. This has perhaps given me this more mature nature I suppose (please don't take it as an egotistical statement, I am merely suggesting this since others have commented on it in the past).

 

[marsbound2024]

http://www.parents.com/parenting/adoption/stories/adopting-older-children/

That was a really wonderful article! Thanks for sharing. Moving, certainly.

 

[wischeez]

Not egotistical at all. I just want you to be aware there are problems involved with older children. We were going to do 2 more boys, 8 & 10, and there were a lot of problems there. Most came from the fact that the social workers did/will not tell you the whole background of these kids. We were left to find out on our own about a lot of problems in their past.

 

[marsbound2024]

Not egotistical at all. I just want you to be aware there are problems involved with older children. We were going to do 2 more boys, 8 & 10, and there were a lot of problems there. Most came from the fact that the social workers did/will not tell you the whole background of these kids. We were left to find out on our own about a lot of problems in their past.

Might I inquire as to HOW you found out about those problems? Did you spend time with them or how did you research their past to discover this?

 

[wischeez]

Most of it came out in counseling. Some of it was the way they acted, and some we had to press the workers to actually get them to say something(even then they won't admit or tell you a lot).

 

[marsbound2024]

Most of it came out in counseling. Some of it was the way they acted, and some we had to press the workers to actually get them to say something(even then they won't admit or tell you a lot).

I see. Thank you for your advice.

I would enjoy talking with you more about it at your leisure and only if you want. Perhaps via PM? The same goes for AreaCode707. Both of you seem to have excellent perspective and obviously talking with someone who went through an adoption process would be beneficial.

 

[JulesMaximus]

You are referring to not adopting at all and instead having a kid of my own? I don't want to do that. Like I said, I'd prefer to adopt a child. If we all decided against adopting, there would be lots of children out there without homes and left to be supported by government run programs until they are kicked out after they turn 18.

Besides, although as much of a headache as paperwork and dealing with the government may be, I am willing to do that to ensure one more child is put into a deserving home.

Well, there are many people out there who cannot have children who want them and for those of us who can have them...sex is fun!

My wife is adopted and so was her brother so your comments aren't falling on deaf ears here. I applaud you and your values, but I know little about it and since my wife and I have a child of our own I don't see adoption in our future.

 

[wischeez]

Any time mars. I'm on lurking just about every day so you can send me a PM and I'll get it.

 

[AreaCode707]

PM whenever you want. I'm not yet in a place to foster or adopt (waaaay too many working hours, plus I have roommates) but I read a lot about it in preparation for the day my husband and I will be ready.

On a more positive note:

Never Give Up Hope
from Summer 2002 Adoptalk
by Jason S. Adams

When Jason was 13, he won first place in a writing contest sponsored by the South Carolina Department of Social Services. The essay question was, "What advice would you give to the person you were five years ago and why?" Below is his award winning response, as first printed in the Spring 2001 South Carolina Youth Connected.

Five years ago, I was just a confused and scared little boy of eight-years-old. I had lost all that I had ever known, yet believed that my mom would somehow change and that she would do the right things to get me back.

To make a long story short, she didn't. She just dropped out of my life. As I went from one foster home to another, I lost hope. I was put in a children's home where I stayed for a long time.
Lisa Huskey in Greenville was my social worker. One day she told me that a man wanted to adopt me. I was real hopeful but really scared. I was afraid that he wouldn't like me after he met me. What if I was adopted and it turned out to be just like the foster homes? If that happened, then I just thought I would die.

The man came up in the early spring. I was so nervous about meeting him. He was late. When they told me that he was lost in traffic, I knew that he had changed his mind and left. Why shouldn't he? So many others had.

I had gone to the gym to shoot some hoops when they came and told me that he was here and was waiting to meet me. My stomach felt sick. I didn't want to meet him. I was so afraid that he wouldn't want me after he saw me. I walked in and there he was. He spoke to me and smiled. Some of my nervousness began to leave.
He was tall and had a beard. I went over to him and gave him a hug. He was a nice man after all. We spent the rest of that day together and I went with him the next day. He was easy to know and I knew this was what I had wanted.

To make the story short, the man adopted me and now he is my dad. I've been with him for three years. It is like I have been with him forever. I have brothers and he adopted all of them. We have lots of fun even though Dad gets on us about homework and chores sometimes.

My dad has shown me how a real dad should be. He can be tough as nails, yet I've learned to trust and to love him because he is kind and funny. We do lots of neat stuff and Dad has taken us all over the American West. With my brothers and me around, we never have a dull moment.

I put Dad through some tough tests. He passed them all, but I had to see if he really wanted me. After a tough time, I told Dad that I was sorry for making it so hard on him and tried to explain that I just had to know. He looked at me and finally smiled and said, "Son, if you are going to test me, why don't you just write it down on paper and let me pass it that way? If you will, it will save me from stripping a gear and having gray hair." My dad is the best.

Today I am 13 years old, have passed seventh grade, play the trumpet, and am in honor band. My grades are good and I have a real family.

The advice I would give the person I was five years ago is to be calm. Don't worry so much. You don't know the future but that doesn't mean it's going to be bad. Never give up hope because a stranger to you can become the man you will call Dad.

Postscript: I'm 15 now and will soon start 10th grade. I'm also studying for my learner's permit. My family has grown to include six brothers. They are all pretty cool most of the time. After 14 months, Dad sent an 11-year-old boy back. He was violent and kept threatening to kill people, but it was hard for all of us to see his placement disrupt. Dad spent a lot of time talking to us and explaining why; we know it was for the best. Now I'm looking forward to finishing high school and going to college. My dad taught me to dream, and I still have a lot of hope for the future.

 

[Skillet49]

In general, you can expect that you will probably have less issues with younger children, especially if you can adopt before 6 months old (which is when attachments really start forming). Even if children cannot remember who their parents were, what they looked like, the emotional scars are still remembered. The attachment that children make with these parents are the building blocks for self-esteem (how they perceive themselves), how they interpret events in life, and how they think of others. But regardless of age at adoption, I would imagine that adopted children usually at some point will question why their parents didn't want them or treated them poorly. Children generally see the world as it revolves around them so it is only natural that when they are children, they will think that they were somehow defective or wrong and deserved to be given up or treated poorly.

What I would recommend is do a lot of reading about what to expect (as others have said). It is sad to me how many families try adoption with these children only to send them back when things get difficult. Expect that they will test your limits often, usually with the hope that you will continue to let them stay in your home and that you still reiterate that you love and care for them. One good way to start would be to start being a mentor or being a Big Brother that way you can kind of test the waters before bringing a child in your home for a permanent basis. I know you said you have a few years at least yet, but it would be good experience as well.

Here is a link to an excellent book I read. It is more designed for clinicians, but it would still have a lot of worthwhile information in it. http://www.amazon.com/Handbook-Treat...2335414&sr=8-2