GeekDrew
Diamond Member
I know it's a bad idea to post things this serious on ATOT, but at this point, I haven't got anything to lose anyway, so I might as well go ahead and do it. No cliff's notes. Find a less serious thread if you want to complain. Please read the entire post instead of just parts of it.
Last night, a close friend of mine and I were discussing life (mine, to be exact), and it seems that I've managed to hurt him quite a bit. I, however, don't understand how I hurt him. I'm going to jump right into the middle of a conversation, here, and hopefully you'll understand:
Throughout my life, I have been told by many, many people that they "love" me. Yet it is those same people that have hurt me the most - and I never felt that they loved me at all. However, the people that have *shown* me that they love me, whether they have said it or not, actually make me feel as though I'm loved (needed, cared about, whatever). Therefore, if someone says that they love me or care about me, but do not express it in some non-spoken manner, I disregard what they are saying as untrue.
I haven't felt loved by *anybody* in well over a year now... which makes me feel unloveable... like I'm not worth anybody's time. And when I feel unloveable, I just shut down, and stop caring... in the last year (since I've felt unloved), I've lost my job (a job that I might possibly have been able to salvage), ruined my credit history altogether, lost several friends (in real life), and have generally gone from someone that cared about every part of his future, to someone that does not care about anything except trying to find love.
Some people say that you have to support yourself, rely on nobody else for anything, etc... how the hell do you do that? I want to be self-sufficient as far as money, physical possessions, etc., goes... but I don't know how to survive while I'm feeling like this. I tried explaining it to a couple of friends as needing to feel loved in order to be happy... but I guess that's inaccurate somehow.... I need to feel loved in order to survive would more accurately describe how I feel. I just don't know how to describe it any better than that. 🙁
I've been told to go to college, I've been told to find another job, I've been told to go to bars to try to meet people... and none of those seem like practical options. If I had an excellent job, in which everyone was pleased (both myself and my employer) before I started spiraling downward into this deep depression, and I was unable to maintain that (even though I was given multiple chances), I don't see how I could possibly maintain a new job. College work is just out of the question... I would probably be expelled within a month or so, for telling some professor to go fvck himself. Just.... nothing seems important to me, at all, except knowing that I'm able to be loved. Without that, what point is there in continuing life? I cannot find any reason at all why anyone would continue to live if they felt that they would never find anyone that could love them (in real life). :-\
I do know that I could succeed in college, work, etc. - whatever I put my mind to - but only as long as I knew that *I* was complete, and had a reason to continue living - and I just can't justify it right now. :-\
So getting back to last night,'''m assuming that I hurt my friend (who is an active member here at AT, BTW, and'''m sure is reading this) by indirectly saying that I di'''t feel like he loved me or cared. :-\ He said that he "loves me as a friend"... which I really d'''t know how to interpret.'''m not trying to say that '''s lying or anything... I just d'''t know how to take that.'''ve never felt as though anyone has cared about me unless th'''ve somehow shown it, and I d'''t feel that he has. :-\ Like... if he does care about me... great. I just d'''t *feel* that he does. His friendship does mean a lot to me, though. heh :-\
<sigh> And then of course there is a lot more I would like to say, but doing so would have consequences for other individuals, so I n'''t do that. 🙁
MaybI'''m much more emotionally needy than anyone else on earth. I n'''t know... most of the time it seems as though I am. I n'''t want attention, honestly... I just want to see other viewpoints on my situation.
I feel like this message (albeit long) is not complete... like the'''s something I still need to write in... but I n'''t really know what that is off of the top of my head, so oh well
Last night, a close friend of mine and I were discussing life (mine, to be exact), and it seems that I've managed to hurt him quite a bit. I, however, don't understand how I hurt him. I'm going to jump right into the middle of a conversation, here, and hopefully you'll understand:
Throughout my life, I have been told by many, many people that they "love" me. Yet it is those same people that have hurt me the most - and I never felt that they loved me at all. However, the people that have *shown* me that they love me, whether they have said it or not, actually make me feel as though I'm loved (needed, cared about, whatever). Therefore, if someone says that they love me or care about me, but do not express it in some non-spoken manner, I disregard what they are saying as untrue.
I haven't felt loved by *anybody* in well over a year now... which makes me feel unloveable... like I'm not worth anybody's time. And when I feel unloveable, I just shut down, and stop caring... in the last year (since I've felt unloved), I've lost my job (a job that I might possibly have been able to salvage), ruined my credit history altogether, lost several friends (in real life), and have generally gone from someone that cared about every part of his future, to someone that does not care about anything except trying to find love.
Some people say that you have to support yourself, rely on nobody else for anything, etc... how the hell do you do that? I want to be self-sufficient as far as money, physical possessions, etc., goes... but I don't know how to survive while I'm feeling like this. I tried explaining it to a couple of friends as needing to feel loved in order to be happy... but I guess that's inaccurate somehow.... I need to feel loved in order to survive would more accurately describe how I feel. I just don't know how to describe it any better than that. 🙁
I've been told to go to college, I've been told to find another job, I've been told to go to bars to try to meet people... and none of those seem like practical options. If I had an excellent job, in which everyone was pleased (both myself and my employer) before I started spiraling downward into this deep depression, and I was unable to maintain that (even though I was given multiple chances), I don't see how I could possibly maintain a new job. College work is just out of the question... I would probably be expelled within a month or so, for telling some professor to go fvck himself. Just.... nothing seems important to me, at all, except knowing that I'm able to be loved. Without that, what point is there in continuing life? I cannot find any reason at all why anyone would continue to live if they felt that they would never find anyone that could love them (in real life). :-\
I do know that I could succeed in college, work, etc. - whatever I put my mind to - but only as long as I knew that *I* was complete, and had a reason to continue living - and I just can't justify it right now. :-\
So getting back to last night,'''m assuming that I hurt my friend (who is an active member here at AT, BTW, and'''m sure is reading this) by indirectly saying that I di'''t feel like he loved me or cared. :-\ He said that he "loves me as a friend"... which I really d'''t know how to interpret.'''m not trying to say that '''s lying or anything... I just d'''t know how to take that.'''ve never felt as though anyone has cared about me unless th'''ve somehow shown it, and I d'''t feel that he has. :-\ Like... if he does care about me... great. I just d'''t *feel* that he does. His friendship does mean a lot to me, though. heh :-\
<sigh> And then of course there is a lot more I would like to say, but doing so would have consequences for other individuals, so I n'''t do that. 🙁
MaybI'''m much more emotionally needy than anyone else on earth. I n'''t know... most of the time it seems as though I am. I n'''t want attention, honestly... I just want to see other viewpoints on my situation.
I feel like this message (albeit long) is not complete... like the'''s something I still need to write in... but I n'''t really know what that is off of the top of my head, so oh well
