1 PAGE Proof-Read. Already typed, simply asking for suggestions.

Coldkilla

Diamond Member
Oct 7, 2004
3,944
0
71
This thread is simply asking the readers take on this. Read this as if you know nothing of the subjects I am talking about. This isn't a 'homwork' thread. This is suggestions for improvement. The work is done and I am in NO WAY asking anyone to do any work for me.

This is my 1 page essay and I ask for your suggestions. Things to add, things to take out. Areas that may seem 'confusing' to you.. Perhaps area's that are interesting and that I could expand apon. I appreciate it. Thanks.

By asking for suggestions and implying that you will impliment them is asking for homework help.

You attempted to not ask for homework help, yet you are stating that you will utilize the advice given and want additional information to consider.

Practicing deception is not allowed

Anandtech Moderator


---------The value of freedom has decreased throughout the years. Michel Foucault?s ?Panopticism,? and John Berger?s ?Ways of Seeing,? illistrate how over time a person?s rights slowly diminish. In two different points of view, these essays explain both diapline and art, they both have a strong statement.

---------Foucault illustrates this idea by discussing on how one theoretical establishment called the ?Panopticism,? would centralize the use of learning, discipline, and detention in a confined space. The Panopticon was an idea of a single establishment that would allow the ?abnormal? to be seen by placing people in ?cells? in an auditorium like fasion that would all face a large pedistal. On this pedistal would be a man that could look into the eyes of those inside the cells but those inside the cells could not see that who was on the pedistal, because sunlight was brought in in such a way that the person could not see. Workers, school children, laborers, inmates, people from all walks of life would be in these cells, for both learning and punishment. It seemed like the answer for everything, however: ?The Panopticon must not be understood as a dream building: it is the diagram of a mechanism of one power reduced to its ideal form; its functioning, abstracted from any obstacle, resistance or friction, must be represented as a pure architectural and optical system: it is in fact a figure of political technology that may and must be detached from any specific use.? (Foucault 223) That however, instead of one centralized place for these ideals, transformed into dozens, if not thousands of establishments ranging from: the workplace, schools, prisons, to even hospitals. The future holds many different types of establishments that we don?t even think about today. The freedoms we all exhibit now, could all be classified as something else tomorrow, perhaps even eventually against the law.

---------In contrast, Berger discusses how artists are now beind paid to create something, and thus the artwork was not coming from their heart. As time progresses creativity goes down and the freedom to express one?s self diminishes. The value of the art that was created from the free spirted artist long ago has risen throughout time and is now worth thousands if not millions of dollars. Now the freedom of expression can be illistrated, for example, by that of graffedi, its free form of art and allows the artist to express themselves. The not so financially priviliedged toward original pieces of art are deprived from their right to own anything original. The financially underprivileged people that live in poor countries have very low education rates. ?In the end, the art of the past in being mystified because a privileged minority is striving to invent a history which can retrospectively justify the role of the ruling classes, and such a justification can no longer make sense in modern terms.? (Berger 136). Berger here is saying that the meaning of art is changing because the rich could have an original pieces of art created in their name and then have that art duplicated to spread their influence, and their wallet.

---------Between these two essays, they both explain how people are limited to how much they can do at any given time. What was once the idea of one insitution to help everyone, turned into thousands of establishments. What was once a world of creativity and open-heartedness, is now a world of corperatly funded advertising agencys. With a society founded upon equal rights and freedoms, this society is slowly but surely taking away all to that was given to us.

Thanks again for your time.

PS: Mods: A mod said that this type of thread was 'okay' and is 'legal' to have posted. I beg of you not to delete this for any reason. I am an anti-social, hardworking student who has no one to talk to. I live in an apartment, work alone, and don't feel comfortible talking to people in my school.

So if anyone wouldn't mind putting in their word on this single page essay, I would appreciate it. Thanks again
 

dquan97

Lifer
Jul 9, 2002
12,010
3
0
Somehow, I smirked a little upon reading "I am an anti-social, hardworking student who has no one to talk to. I live in an apartment, work alone, and don't feel comfortible talking to people in my school." ;)
 

Coldkilla

Diamond Member
Oct 7, 2004
3,944
0
71
Sorry, its true. After high-school I've lost all ties with the people I used to talk to. Only people I talk to now are the people in my band. And we only practice once a week for 2 hours. Everything else is school related trying to make A's.
 

SmoochyTX

Lifer
Apr 19, 2003
13,615
0
0
You should use spellcheck. If you do not have that available to you on your computer, here is one of many sites online that can do it for you for free.

You should also look into the appropriate use of apostrophes and quotes. You can do that online by going here.

Those are a couple of good suggestions for you. I remember spellcheck being suggested to you last night when you first posted this; however, maybe you don't have a spellchecking program available to you on your computer so I suggested a free one for you online.

Good luck with your essay.
 

Jinru

Senior member
Feb 6, 2006
671
0
76
Hmm, very well writtin. But to say all artists are only painting for money now is quite a bold statement to make don't you think?
 

Elderly Newt

Senior member
May 23, 2005
430
0
0
I see some spelling mistakes... you might want to run a spellcheck on that... (illistrated, graffedi, diapline ...)

And, I bet you're reading Ways of Reading: An Anthology For Writers? We have to use that too... those essays are oh so much fun...
 

aidanjm

Lifer
Aug 9, 2004
12,411
2
0
Originally posted by: Coldkilla
---------The value of freedom has decreased throughout the years. Michel Foucault?s ?Panopticism,? and John Berger?s ?Ways of Seeing,? illistrate how over time a person?s rights slowly diminish. In two different points of view, these essays explain both diapline and art, they both have a strong statement.

---------Foucault illustrates this idea by discussing on how one theoretical establishment called the ?Panopticism,? would centralize the use of learning, discipline, and detention in a confined space. The Panopticon was an idea of a single establishment that would allow the ?abnormal? to be seen by placing people in ?cells? in an auditorium like fasion that would all face a large pedistal. On this pedistal would be a man that could look into the eyes of those inside the cells but those inside the cells could not see that who was on the pedistal, because sunlight was brought in in such a way that the person could not see. Workers, school children, laborers, inmates, people from all walks of life would be in these cells, for both learning and punishment. It seemed like the answer for everything, however: ?The Panopticon must not be understood as a dream building: it is the diagram of a mechanism of one power reduced to its ideal form; its functioning, abstracted from any obstacle, resistance or friction, must be represented as a pure architectural and optical system: it is in fact a figure of political technology that may and must be detached from any specific use.? (Foucault 223) That however, instead of one centralized place for these ideals, transformed into dozens, if not thousands of establishments ranging from: the workplace, schools, prisons, to even hospitals. The future holds many different types of establishments that we don?t even think about today. The freedoms we all exhibit now, could all be classified as something else tomorrow, perhaps even eventually against the law.

---------In contrast, Berger discusses how artists are now beind paid to create something, and thus the artwork was not coming from their heart. As time progresses creativity goes down and the freedom to express one?s self diminishes. The value of the art that was created from the free spirted artist long ago has risen throughout time and is now worth thousands if not millions of dollars. Now the freedom of expression can be illistrated, for example, by that of graffedi, its free form of art and allows the artist to express themselves. The not so financially priviliedged toward original pieces of art are deprived from their right to own anything original. The financially underprivileged people that live in poor countries have very low education rates. ?In the end, the art of the past in being mystified because a privileged minority is striving to invent a history which can retrospectively justify the role of the ruling classes, and such a justification can no longer make sense in modern terms.? (Berger 136). Berger here is saying that the meaning of art is changing because the rich could have an original pieces of art created in their name and then have that art duplicated to spread their influence, and their wallet.

---------Between these two essays, they both explain how people are limited to how much they can do at any given time. What was once the idea of one insitution to help everyone, turned into thousands of establishments. What was once a world of creativity and open-heartedness, is now a world of corperatly funded advertising agencys. With a society founded upon equal rights and freedoms, this society is slowly but surely taking away all to that was given to us.

some spelling mistakes.

After reading your essays, I don't really understand what you are trying to say - how has the value of freedom declined? can you explain it in a simple way, that I can understand (not having read the texts or encountered the theories you are working with).
 

JSFLY

Golden Member
Mar 24, 2006
1,068
0
0
Originally posted by: Coldkilla
This thread is simply asking the readers take on this. Read this as if you know nothing of the subjects I am talking about. This isn't a 'homwork' thread. This is suggestions for improvement. The work is done and I am in NO WAY asking anyone to do any work for me.

This is my 1 page essay and I ask for your suggestions. Things to add, things to take out. Areas that may seem 'confusing' to you.. Perhaps area's that are interesting and that I could expand apon. I appreciate it. Thanks.

---------The value of freedom has decreased throughout the years. Michel Foucault?s ?Panopticism,? and John Berger?s ?Ways of Seeing,? illistrate how over time a person?s rights slowly diminish. In two different points of view, these essays explain both diapline and art, they both have a strong statement.

---------Foucault illustrates this idea by discussing on how one theoretical establishment called the ?Panopticism,? would centralize the use of learning, discipline, and detention in a confined space. The Panopticon was an idea of a single establishment that would allow the ?abnormal? to be seen by placing people in ?cells? in an auditorium like fasion that would all face a large pedistal. On this pedistal would be a man that could look into the eyes of those inside the cells but those inside the cells could not see that who was on the pedistal, because sunlight was brought in in such a way that the person could not see. Workers, school children, laborers, inmates, people from all walks of life would be in these cells, for both learning and punishment. It seemed like the answer for everything, however: ?The Panopticon must not be understood as a dream building: it is the diagram of a mechanism of one power reduced to its ideal form; its functioning, abstracted from any obstacle, resistance or friction, must be represented as a pure architectural and optical system: it is in fact a figure of political technology that may and must be detached from any specific use.? (Foucault 223) That however, instead of one centralized place for these ideals, transformed into dozens, if not thousands of establishments ranging from: the workplace, schools, prisons, to even hospitals. The future holds many different types of establishments that we don?t even think about today. The freedoms we all exhibit now, could all be classified as something else tomorrow, perhaps even eventually against the law.

---------In contrast, Berger discusses how artists are now beind paid to create something, and thus the artwork was not coming from their heart. As time progresses creativity goes down and the freedom to express one?s self diminishes. The value of the art that was created from the free spirted artist long ago has risen throughout time and is now worth thousands if not millions of dollars. Now the freedom of expression can be illistrated, for example, by that of graffedi, its free form of art and allows the artist to express themselves. The not so financially priviliedged toward original pieces of art are deprived from their right to own anything original. The financially underprivileged people that live in poor countries have very low education rates. ?In the end, the art of the past in being mystified because a privileged minority is striving to invent a history which can retrospectively justify the role of the ruling classes, and such a justification can no longer make sense in modern terms.? (Berger 136). Berger here is saying that the meaning of art is changing because the rich could have an original pieces of art created in their name and then have that art duplicated to spread their influence, and their wallet.

---------Between these two essays, they both explain how people are limited to how much they can do at any given time. What was once the idea of one insitution to help everyone, turned into thousands of establishments. What was once a world of creativity and open-heartedness, is now a world of corperatly funded advertising agencys. With a society founded upon equal rights and freedoms, this society is slowly but surely taking away all to that was given to us.

Thanks again for your time.

PS: Mods: A mod said that this type of thread was 'okay' and is 'legal' to have posted. I beg of you not to delete this for any reason. I am an anti-social, hardworking student who has no one to talk to. I live in an apartment, work alone, and don't feel comfortible talking to people in my school.

So if anyone wouldn't mind putting in their word on this single page essay, I would appreciate it. Thanks again

INTRO

Beginning sentence is weak. May want to replace decreased with diminished or better yet, scrap the first sentence altogether.

Thesis is weak, "they both have a strong statement" isn't very descriptive of what your position is. If your not supposed to state your position in the assignment, then ignore this.

BODY 1 & 2
Various grammatical and spelling mistakes. Also, if this is for a philosophy class and your dissecting the essay writer's arguments to help you form your own conclusions, then you've failed. Otherwise, ignore this comment.

CONCLUSION
"With a society founded upon equal rights and freedoms, this society is slowly but surely taking away all to that was given to us. "

I still don't understand what you mean by this last sentence, explain what was given to us in the first place.

It would also help if you provided us with information regarding what type of essay this is (descriptive? Argumentative?) and What class this is for (ie: English profs tend to be harder on grammar than others).
 

Coldkilla

Diamond Member
Oct 7, 2004
3,944
0
71
Oh, I had my spell checker off for a Swedish translated (into English) paper I had read. Accident. Sorry. Thanks for that.

I skimmed over your replies. Thanks so much! I'll read them over and apply all of your comments as best I can.

To Everman: the essay is by John Beger.
To Elderly Newt: Yes. You are correct.
To aidanjm: Thanks so much, that gave me the wake up call that my spell checker was turned OFF.
To JSFLY: This is a comparison essay, simply comparing these two essays by making connections between their two arguments. Incorporating any opinions we may have.
 

SmoochyTX

Lifer
Apr 19, 2003
13,615
0
0
Originally posted by: Coldkilla
Oh, I had my spell checker off for a Swedish translated (into English) paper I had read. Accident. Sorry. Thanks for that.

snip

To aidanjm: Thanks so much, that gave me the wake up call that my spell checker was turned OFF.
And yet somehow you missed multiple times being told in your thread last night that you should use a spellchecker. :confused:
 

aidanjm

Lifer
Aug 9, 2004
12,411
2
0
Originally posted by: Coldkilla
This is a comparison essay, simply comparing these two essays by making connections between their two arguments. Incorporating any opinions we may have.

if that is the case, then you would want to be very clear about the similarities or points of agreement, and also the key differences, between their two arguments. that should be the 'meat and potatoes' of the essay.
 

Coldkilla

Diamond Member
Oct 7, 2004
3,944
0
71
I have revised this essay and added some opinionated statements. One in a new paragraph of its own:

----------In two different points of view, Michel Foucault?s ?Panopticism,? and John Berger?s ?Ways of Seeing,? essays explain both discipline and art; they both have a strong statement.

----------Foucault illustrates this idea by discussing on how one theoretical establishment called the ?Panopticism,? would centralize the use of learning, discipline, and detention in a confined space. The Panopticon was an idea of a single establishment that would allow the ?abnormal? to be seen by placing people in ?cells? in an auditorium like fashion that would all face a large pedestal. On this pedestal would be a man that could look into the eyes of those inside the cells but those inside the cells could not see that who was on the pedestal, because sunlight was brought in such a way that the person could not see. Workers, school children, laborers, inmates, people from all walks of life would be in these cells, for both learning and punishment. It seemed like the answer for everything, however: ?The Panopticon must not be understood as a dream building: it is the diagram of a mechanism of one power reduced to its ideal form; its functioning, abstracted from any obstacle, resistance or friction, must be represented as a pure architectural and optical system: it is in fact a figure of political technology that may and must be detached from any specific use.? (Foucault 223) That however, instead of one centralized place for these ideals, transformed into dozens, if not thousands of establishments ranging from: the workplace, schools, and prisons, to even hospitals. The future holds many different types of establishments that we don?t even think about today. The freedoms we all exhibit now, could all be classified as something else tomorrow, perhaps even eventually against the law.

----------Ironic if you think about it, what gives a person the right to deem someone ?unfit? or ?abnormal?? An example would consist of someone telling a homeless person, ?Well, stop lying on the street and get a job!? When this person has always had a job and has no idea what it is like to be homeless. That person might be trying to get a job but hasn?t been able to. So for someone to call someone else abnormal and unfit for society, unless they have been in that situation, should have no right making distinguishments between the two. However, in the way Foucault presents this essay, he uses that ironic way of thinking to define his point.

----------In contrast, Berger discusses how artists are now behind paid to create something, and thus the artwork was not coming from their heart. As time progresses creativity goes down and the freedom to express one?s self diminishes. The value of the art that was created from the free spirited artist long ago has risen throughout time and is now worth thousands if not millions of dollars. Now the freedom of expression can be illustrated, for example, by that of graffiti, its free form of art and allows the artist to express themselves. The not so financially privileged toward original pieces of art are deprived from their right to own anything original. The financially underprivileged people that live in poor countries have very low education rates. ?In the end, the art of the past in being mystified because a privileged minority is striving to invent a history which can retrospectively justify the role of the ruling classes, and such a justification can no longer make sense in modern terms.? (Berger 136). Berger here is saying that the meaning of art is changing because the rich could have an original pieces of art created in their name and then have that art duplicated to spread their influence, and their wallet.

----------Between these two essays, they both explain how people are limited to how much they can do at any given time. What was once the idea of one institution to help everyone, turned into thousands of establishments. So instead of having a single building for everything, it is now split up into factories, schools, prisons, and even hospitals. From a world where anyone could be an artist, keeping their creative and open-hearted minds at work, to a world where many artists are now being paid by advertising agencies to make a living. This gives some people the feeling that in order to break off from this form of society, they must rebel and put graffiti in a public place in order to express themselves. Where have these idea?s gone? With a society founded upon equal rights and freedoms, this society is slowly but surely taking away all to that was given to us.

A question I have:
Is it good to ask a question so close to the end of an essay? Will it make people start to think.. when I was supposed to make their questions 'dissapear' prior to writing anything?

 

SmoochyTX

Lifer
Apr 19, 2003
13,615
0
0
<rant>I see you still haven't checked out the link I provided to you explaining the proper use of apostrophes and quotes.

It seems like after spending an hour (in total) checking out both sources and writing (you said this in your post last night), you are not merely requesting proofreading of a final draft. You are requesting help coming up with a final draft after posting a rough draft for others to fix for you.

One of the reasons why I believe that you're wanting someone else to essentially finish your essay is because you never fixed your spelling errors AFTER it was suggested you should do a spellcheck more than 24 hours ago. Another reason is because it is obvious you never even clicked on (much less glanced at) the apostrophes and quotes link I posted for you earlier in an effort to truly help you and give you the benefit of the doubt.

Are you going to do this with every essay or paper you ever have in your life? Post it on ATOT for others to fix for you? You mentioned that you'd done this for years and never had a problem. So you'll repost the essay in a thread without even trying to fix it yourself after suggestions from the previous thread then? I guess you feel you should be able to just slap something together and it's OK to let others tidy it up for you to turn in and get the reward for.

And you know what, I don't care if you're antisocial, emo, or Ronald McDonald. If you can't put forth the slightest effort to learn so that you can use that knowledge in the future, then you deserve what you get in the future when it comes to your GPA and your career. I don't care if your teachers didn't teach you how to spell or use punctuation and I certainly don't care if you never learned just because you thought it was uncool to pay attention in class. I also don't care if you didn't want to learn because you thought it was cool not to talk to communicate with others. I certainly hope your children (present and/or future) don't ask you for assistance with their English homework in school. I also hope that your children (present and/or future) don't grow up with the same lack of communication skills as their father.

And in case you haven't noticed, yes it pisses me off when whiney brats come on here asking for help with their homework when they won't even bother to lift a finger to try to fix it themselves first even after given plenty of opportunities to do so on their own.

Grow up and learn already! Learning doesn't end when high school ends, or when college ends, or when graduate school ends. Learning goes on forever.

</rant off>
 

AnandTech Moderator

Staff member
Oct 12, 1999
5,704
2
0
Originally posted by: Coldkilla
Oh, I had my spell checker off for a Swedish translated (into English) paper I had read. Accident. Sorry. Thanks for that.

I skimmed over your replies. Thanks so much! I'll read them over and apply all of your comments as best I can.

To Everman: the essay is by John Beger.
To Elderly Newt: Yes. You are correct.
To aidanjm: Thanks so much, that gave me the wake up call that my spell checker was turned OFF.
To JSFLY: This is a comparison essay, simply comparing these two essays by making connections between their two arguments. Incorporating any opinions we may have.

I'll read them over and apply all of your comments as best I can.

How is that not cheating?
Another Moderator