- Dec 14, 2004
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I've volunteered at two zoos over the past few years and I love visiting zoos and aquariums. I keep a journal of all the funny things I hear at them ? here are some excerpts. I swear I am not making any of these up! (If you don't get one, google the animal's name - some of these beasts are a bit obscure.)
Middle-aged man: "Why does that fish keep going to the surface to breathe? I thought fish breathed water."
A young woman in front of the red panda exhibit: "You shouldn't tell people you have pandas here, that's not a panda - it's false advertising."
A young kid in front of the capybaras: "Do kids in South America ride on these like we do ponies? It would be really cool to ride around on a big rat!"
20 something guy to his significant other in front of the giraffes: "I bet they have no problem deep throating."
Very young kid by the clownfish: ?Mommy, I thought Nemo got rescued by his daddy!!!?
Middle-aged man in front of the hammerhead shark: ?Do you give it nails to play with??
Girl by the nurse sharks: ?I thought only mammals nursed their young??
Boy by the alligator snapping turtle: ?Does it really eat alligators?! Cool!!!?
Woman in front of the green basilisk: ?You should take down that sign saying its nickname is the Jesus lizard, it?s very disrespectful.? (The green basilisk can ?run? on water for a short distance.)
Young kid by the aquatic insect display after reading water striders use surface tension to walk on water: ?Do you ever put a drop of soap by them so they sink? That would be funny!? (Smart kid!)
Man when looking at the Madagascar hissing cockroaches: ?I hate it when those get in my apartment.?
Man looking at the Japanese spider crabs: ?I?d hate to get those in my crotch!?
Man by the fiddler crabs: ?They?d make great boxers with that huge hand and they could side-step every punch.?
Man by the seahorses: ?If the males have the babies, are they the ones that get all pissy once a month??
Young woman by the electric eel: ?So to recharge do they like put their tails in an outlet or something??
Man by the caecilians: ?What a bunch of sh!t, those aren?t some rare amphibian, they?re just stupid worms.? (Caecilians do look like worms, but the eyes and mouth kind of give them away.)
Man by the matamata: ?Do you rent these to clean out pools?? (Matamatas eat by sucking in fish.)
Man after reading the Komodo dragons kill by biting prey with mouths full of germs: ?These guys are nothing compared to one of my coworkers ? the guy always has the worst breath ever!?
Woman by the saw-backed turtle: ?I thought we had it off rough ? can you imagine these lady turtles giving birth to a baby with a shell like that??
Woman by the titi birds: ?I thought only mammals had breasts? Why do these birds have this name??
Man by the camouflage exhibit: ?What scam is this ? you ran out of animals and made up a few cages with nothing in them and say they?re hard to see??
Man by the tortoises: ?It looks pretty dry in there ? I thought frogs had to stay wet?? (He must have watched the episode of Larry King where Larry asked Jack Hanna, ?Now these are amphibians, right??)
Man by the otters: ?Those seals are really small ? is something wrong with them??
Woman by the walrus: ?Do you have a barber come to trim its mustache??
Man by the gray wolves: ?Do you take them out for walks around the zoo??
Little girl: ?Why is the guinea pig colony in the reptile house?? (I looked at her mother who quickly put two and two together and started frantically shaking her head no to me, haha.)
Me: ?A trick to remember which camels are dromedaries and which are Bactrians is that dromedaries have one hump just like the letter ?d? has one ?hump? while Bactrians have two just like the letter ?B? has two ?humps?.?
Man: ?Both ?b? and ?d? have one hump.?
Me: ?Uppercase.?
Man: ?Oh, right.?
For some reason two of the funniest things I?ve ever been asked were about spider monkeys:
Woman: ?Is this what happens when a spider bites a pregnant woman??
and,
Man: ?Are these related to spiders or monkeys??
My perennial favorite at the Indianapolis Zoo by the gibbons: ?Look at the monkeys! Ooh ooh ahh ahh!?
Man watching the chimpanzees: ?Look at them. That one?s picking its ass, that one?s playing with itself, that one?s pissing in the moat from the top of the climbing set, probably admiring the arc of its urine as it splashes below, that one?s throwing food at the other one which is picking its nose. I simply can not believe some people don?t believe they?re our closest relatives.?
Best one ever:
One day at the Lansing Zoo the rhino was standing with its kick ball (you know those large, thick plastic balls large animals sometimes have in their cages) between its front and back legs, like it was resting its huge body on it. A woman came up to me and asked: ?How long do rhinos incubate their eggs??
Middle-aged man: "Why does that fish keep going to the surface to breathe? I thought fish breathed water."
A young woman in front of the red panda exhibit: "You shouldn't tell people you have pandas here, that's not a panda - it's false advertising."
A young kid in front of the capybaras: "Do kids in South America ride on these like we do ponies? It would be really cool to ride around on a big rat!"
20 something guy to his significant other in front of the giraffes: "I bet they have no problem deep throating."
Very young kid by the clownfish: ?Mommy, I thought Nemo got rescued by his daddy!!!?
Middle-aged man in front of the hammerhead shark: ?Do you give it nails to play with??
Girl by the nurse sharks: ?I thought only mammals nursed their young??
Boy by the alligator snapping turtle: ?Does it really eat alligators?! Cool!!!?
Woman in front of the green basilisk: ?You should take down that sign saying its nickname is the Jesus lizard, it?s very disrespectful.? (The green basilisk can ?run? on water for a short distance.)
Young kid by the aquatic insect display after reading water striders use surface tension to walk on water: ?Do you ever put a drop of soap by them so they sink? That would be funny!? (Smart kid!)
Man when looking at the Madagascar hissing cockroaches: ?I hate it when those get in my apartment.?
Man looking at the Japanese spider crabs: ?I?d hate to get those in my crotch!?
Man by the fiddler crabs: ?They?d make great boxers with that huge hand and they could side-step every punch.?
Man by the seahorses: ?If the males have the babies, are they the ones that get all pissy once a month??
Young woman by the electric eel: ?So to recharge do they like put their tails in an outlet or something??
Man by the caecilians: ?What a bunch of sh!t, those aren?t some rare amphibian, they?re just stupid worms.? (Caecilians do look like worms, but the eyes and mouth kind of give them away.)
Man by the matamata: ?Do you rent these to clean out pools?? (Matamatas eat by sucking in fish.)
Man after reading the Komodo dragons kill by biting prey with mouths full of germs: ?These guys are nothing compared to one of my coworkers ? the guy always has the worst breath ever!?
Woman by the saw-backed turtle: ?I thought we had it off rough ? can you imagine these lady turtles giving birth to a baby with a shell like that??
Woman by the titi birds: ?I thought only mammals had breasts? Why do these birds have this name??
Man by the camouflage exhibit: ?What scam is this ? you ran out of animals and made up a few cages with nothing in them and say they?re hard to see??
Man by the tortoises: ?It looks pretty dry in there ? I thought frogs had to stay wet?? (He must have watched the episode of Larry King where Larry asked Jack Hanna, ?Now these are amphibians, right??)
Man by the otters: ?Those seals are really small ? is something wrong with them??
Woman by the walrus: ?Do you have a barber come to trim its mustache??
Man by the gray wolves: ?Do you take them out for walks around the zoo??
Little girl: ?Why is the guinea pig colony in the reptile house?? (I looked at her mother who quickly put two and two together and started frantically shaking her head no to me, haha.)
Me: ?A trick to remember which camels are dromedaries and which are Bactrians is that dromedaries have one hump just like the letter ?d? has one ?hump? while Bactrians have two just like the letter ?B? has two ?humps?.?
Man: ?Both ?b? and ?d? have one hump.?
Me: ?Uppercase.?
Man: ?Oh, right.?
For some reason two of the funniest things I?ve ever been asked were about spider monkeys:
Woman: ?Is this what happens when a spider bites a pregnant woman??
and,
Man: ?Are these related to spiders or monkeys??
My perennial favorite at the Indianapolis Zoo by the gibbons: ?Look at the monkeys! Ooh ooh ahh ahh!?
Man watching the chimpanzees: ?Look at them. That one?s picking its ass, that one?s playing with itself, that one?s pissing in the moat from the top of the climbing set, probably admiring the arc of its urine as it splashes below, that one?s throwing food at the other one which is picking its nose. I simply can not believe some people don?t believe they?re our closest relatives.?
Best one ever:
One day at the Lansing Zoo the rhino was standing with its kick ball (you know those large, thick plastic balls large animals sometimes have in their cages) between its front and back legs, like it was resting its huge body on it. A woman came up to me and asked: ?How long do rhinos incubate their eggs??