Zeze's Joke Thread!

[Skunk-Works]

A Florida man was fishing off the pier when he notices a pirate. "Sir, sir! Can I ask you a few questions?" Arr, go right ahead there matey." How did you get a peg leg? " The pirate says, "I was fishing for shark when I pulled a giant shark up onto the deck and it bit my leg clean off." The man then asks, "how did you get a hook for a hand?" "Arrrr, I was in a sword fight with Long John Silver and he sliced my hand clean off." The man then asks, "how did you get an eye patch" The pirate says, "well matey, I was on the ship looking at the seagulls and one pooped in my eye and I forgot I had me hook."

 

[Skunk-Works]

In case you're wondering. I'm paraphrasing all of the jokes I read in Maxim magazine many years ago. LOL

 

[WT]

The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, “papers?”

I said, “ Scissors, I win” and drove off.

I think he wants a re-match - he’s been chasing me for 15 minutes.

 

[Skunk-Works]

I was pulled over for speeding. When the police officer asked for papers I said, " no thanks, I have a bong."

 

[Skunk-Works]

Went to the car lot to buy a new car. Salesmen shows me this care with a voice activated radio. He said, "AC/DC." And Thunder Struck plays on the radio. Then he said, "rock and roll." And Van Halen comes on the radio. So I immediately bought the car. As I pulled out a guy cuts me off and I yell "ASSHOLE!" Immediately the Iranian national anthem plays on the radio with John Kerry on guitar, Bill Clinton on sax, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine and Ted Kennedy on scotch. Damn I love this car!

 

[dank69]

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

 

[IronWing]

Why did the pony whisper?

Spoiler

It was a little hoarse.

 

[IronWing]

What's brown and sticky?

Spoiler

A stick.

 

[IronWing]

How did the Georgian find his sister in the woods?

Spoiler

Pretty good

 

[IronWing]

What has four legs, is green, covered in fur, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you.

Spoiler

A pool table

 

[IronWing]

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Spoiler

A fsh

 

[IronWing]

How do you make an old lady yell "fvck"?

Spoiler

Have another old lady yell "Bingo"

 

[IronWing]

Irate customer at restaurant: "This coffee tastes like mud!"

Waiter: "I don't know why sir, it was ground this morning!"

 

[deadlyapp]

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Spoiler

A fsh

A favorite of ours in college. Ended up buying a friend of ours a custom license plate and license plate frame that told the joke.

 

[IronWing]

What did the Eskimo get from sitting on the ice for too long?

Spoiler

Polaroids.

 

[IronWing]

How do you make a Kleenex dance?

Spoiler

Put a little boogie in it.

 

[IronWing]

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

Spoiler

The wheelchair.

 

[Red Squirrel]

My girl friend decided to dump me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back to me.

 

[DAPUNISHER]

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Spoiler

It doesn't matter -- he's not going to come anyway.

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

Spoiler

He heard the ref was blowing fowls.

 

[IronWing]

Why can't Frankenstein have children?

Spoiler

Because his nuts are on his neck.

 

[IronWing]

What did the ocean say to the beach?

Spoiler

Nothing.......it just waved!

 

[IronWing]

What did the little mermaid wear to her math class?

Spoiler

Her algae bra

 

[IronWing]

Why does the little mermaid wear seashells?

Spoiler

Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big.

 

[IronWing]

What did the grape say when it got stepped on?

Spoiler

Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

 

[Thebobo]

Why does the little mermaid wear seashells?

Spoiler

Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big.

/ban