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YAGT - What to do

HardcoreRobot

HardcoreRobot

Lifer
There was a girl I was interested in, and thought was interested in me. We started flirting alot and hanging out together, but she would be very flaky. Like, making dates and then cancelling. Well, it turns out she had a BF the whole. I was interested in her, but not attached, and being deceived like that really turned me off so I stopped pursuing her.

I am a nice guy. I like to help people with their problems and can usually give some sound level-headed advice. Well, it turns out this BF of hers is abusive. As in, gets pissed off at her and chokes her to the point of leaving bruises. The first time it happened she moved out and cried on my shoulder. I consider her a friend so I didnt mind trying to help her through this.

But, I found that she wanted to make excuses for the guy, and claimed she still loved him. I tried to explain things to her, but she wasn't really being that logical and I wasn't making much progress. After a month or so she seemed to be doing better.

I hadn't talked with her for about a month when she IMs me tonight and says ...it happened again...

WTF should I say. I hate to tell her to F off and deal with her own problems bc I dont think she has many other people to turn to. But on the other hand I already told her what she should do and she did not take my advice, and she ended up exactly where I told her she would end up. How should I deal with this? I don't really want to be her cry guy.
 
She will not leave him for you, and nor is she likely to actually leave him anyway anytime soon. Short of telling her to get out of this situation she's in, pronto, there's nothing you can do.
 
you can't really help those who don't want help. From what I can see, what she wants is someone who can listen to her problems.

As for the logic part...you are kidding me right? That aside, when folks are under a lot of emotions, logic doesn't always seem to reach their brain, whether it's a guy or a girl.

If you don't want to be the guy she discusses her problems with....then tell her that she already knows what you think and nothing further you can say about it.

edit: And also, I do not think she sees you as an alpha male, so I'm under the impression you are pretty much stuck on the friends ladder.
 
You'll never be anything else. She wants the guy and the bruises. Do you want a girl who thinks that's the best she can do?
 
Originally posted by: Astaroth33
She will not leave him for you, and nor is she likely to actually leave him anyway anytime soon. Short of telling her to get out of this situation she's in, pronto, there's nothing you can do.
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agreed, tell her to get out, and she'll thank you for it later, like she would have if she would ahve listened to you the first time.
 
Girls don't ever think analytically when they're under normal conditions, so why would you expect her to do so under emotionally straining conditions?

There really isn't much you can do if she doesn't want to do anything for herself. Just try to be a good friend.
 
Stay true to yourself. You say that you're a nice guy, so be a nice guy. Gently point out that you were right, and help her change her situation.
 
Uhhh, nowhere do I say that I want anything to do with this girl. Just bc it is YAGT, dont assume I am heartbroken / desperate / hopeless 🙂
 
Originally posted by: HardcoreRobot
Uhhh, nowhere do I say that I want anything to do with this girl. Just bc it is YAGT, dont assume I am heartbroken / desperate / hopeless 🙂
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There was a girl I was interested in, and thought was interested in me. We started flirting alot and hanging out together, but she would be very flaky. Like, making dates and then cancelling. Well, it turns out she had a BF the whole. I was interested in her, but not attached, and being deceived like that really turned me off so I stopped pursuing he
Click to expand...

If you say so....

 
Originally posted by: HardcoreRobot
There was a girl I was interested in, and thought was interested in me. We started flirting alot and hanging out together, but she would be very flaky. Like, making dates and then cancelling. Well, it turns out she had a BF the whole. I was interested in her, but not attached, and being deceived like that really turned me off so I stopped pursuing her.

I am a nice guy. I like to help people with their problems and can usually give some sound level-headed advice. Well, it turns out this BF of hers is abusive. As in, gets pissed off at her and chokes her to the point of leaving bruises. The first time it happened she moved out and cried on my shoulder. I consider her a friend so I didnt mind trying to help her through this.

But, I found that she wanted to make excuses for the guy, and claimed she still loved him. I tried to explain things to her, but she wasn't really being that logical and I wasn't making much progress. After a month or so she seemed to be doing better.

I hadn't talked with her for about a month when she IMs me tonight and says ...it happened again...

WTF should I say. I hate to tell her to F off and deal with her own problems bc I dont think she has many other people to turn to. But on the other hand I already told her what she should do and she did not take my advice, and she ended up exactly where I told her she would end up. How should I deal with this? I don't really want to be her cry guy.
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Well thats too fvcking bad. She went back asking for more, what did she expect? Everytime you meet a girl who wants you to rescue her from the sh*thole she dug for herself, you'd better run, or else get ready to fight Prince Charming to the death over a girl you shouldn't even want.

Trust me. When he comes knocking all drunk and ignorant at 3 am while you're plugging her doggy-style, the fun ends real quick...
 
out of curiousity...just how old is she?

also..it is possible that her father abused her when she was younger. Maybe this is the kind of treatment she is used to and doesn't want to leave unfamiliar grounds.
 
ok you asked what to do so i'll tell you.

next time she comes to cry on your shoulder, slap her in the face. when she asks why you did that, ask her "Is that what it takes to wake you up?"

you're her snooze button, you've got to be her alarm.

if she just cries on your shoulder she'll temproraily feel better. she can't feel better about staying with him. otherwise you're just an enabler.

also try "get out and don't come back without his gonads in a jar"

I know a lady that killed her abusive husband with a baseball bat. it was self defense. she's doing better now. yes I'm serious.
 
i put my hand upon your hip when i dip you dip we dip,..

seriously you should dip on out of that scenario, tell her:
'of course it happened again, how many more times until you change? dont msg me again until you've grown the fvck up, gl with all that'

just my $.02
 
Tell her you are happy to be her friend, but you don't ever want to hear about her bf problems again. Tell her if she doesn't like the abuse, then she needs to leave him. You don't to hear her complain when the solution is so simple. Also say that if she brings up problems or abuse again that your response will always be that she should break up and that you will not be a shoulder to cry on.

This way you can continue to be friends and not worry about her problems.
 
report the bf to the local police authorities. what you described constitutes abuse and is illegal.

once he's being prosecuted, bone her brains out.
 
Originally posted by: HardcoreRobot
There was a girl I was interested in, and thought was interested in me. We started flirting alot and hanging out together, but she would be very flaky. Like, making dates and then cancelling. Well, it turns out she had a BF the whole [time].
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Stop right there.

This should have been the biggest fvcking red flag you've ever seen.

Walk away.

Find a real woman instead of someone like this.
 
I feel bad for you HCRobot... sounds like you've been cool all along.

Lots of good advice in here already... good luck man!
 
So you're one of those "guy friends" on the side who keep butting in on other people's biz, hoping you can get her to leave the other guy for you huh.


If you're not then just tell her to deal with it and get back to you when she's done with him. Geez.
 
I am a nice guy.
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Problem with "nice guys" is they finish last. Wanna know why?

Well, it turns out this BF of hers is abusive. As in, gets pissed off at her and chokes her to the point of leaving bruises.
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Because you take the above at face value without question.

Don't be a tool......she's playing you huge. If you don't mind the inevitable humiliation you will later endure, then by all means play along in the hopes of acquiring a handfull, or two, of her ass.

Just ask yourself this one question: Why would she confide this information to *you*?

 
Tell her that if she's not willing to help herself, then there's nothing to say that hasn't already been said, and that you're not interested in being her emotional tampon.
 
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