YAGT : What do you guys do to recover from a broken heart?

[meltdown75]

pound UFH (unfamiliar hole)

 

[maximus maximus]

Originally posted by: Zysoclaplem

Originally posted by: maximus maximus

Originally posted by: Zysoclaplem

Originally posted by: DaShen

Originally posted by: Zysoclaplem
1. Respect yourself. Everything else comes second.

You were doing all of this for her. Yes it is very sweet and I am sure you are a nice and caring guy who would have done anything for her, but you are an individual.
You do not need her to be happy. Gotta get those priorities straight.

I have posted enough break up threads on this board to know how much of an idiot I was for throwing myself at people. You are worth more than that. Her life is going one way, and your life is now going the other. Don't be sad or scared of this. You can stand still and wallow in self pity for the rest of your life, but the world doesn't stand still.
That's not to say that you don't deserve to grieve for a period of time. But she is not your world. You were here before you met her and you are still here now that she is gone.

There is nothing wrong with going out of your way for people you care for, but yeah, it is about respecting yourself. Even if you do things for others, you can't let them walk all over you. People in general will not respect someone who lets them take advantage of them. On the other hand, doing things for someone because it gives you happiness and pleasure to see them happy is different because you aren't letting them take advantage of you, rather you are doing it as an act of service.

But at what cost?
There is absolutely nothing wrong with doing things for the people we love.
I may be 100% wrong here, but it sounds like he was trying to please her at his own expense. And then she leaves, and he grieves at her loss.
When you let the situation trump logic and reason, you are just setting yourself up for hurt.
You have to look out for #1, but that doesn't mean you cannot give yourself to someone completely. You just take a much more cautious and logical approach.

IMO, if she doesn't have time for you, she won't make time for you. And if she won't make time for you, she isn't worth your time.

Well, she had an extremely busy schedule and there have been times when I would plan something and the plans would not work out because she was too busy.

I never got mad at her in those situations, instead I told her that I understand that she does 2 jobs and has a difficult time balancing her personal and professional life.

I have been so understanding... I have never treated her badly... I have respected and supported her at every step... she never gave indications that she was not happy with me..

When she broke up with me, I even asked her what did I do wrong... she di not have anything to say.. she just says she does not have time for me, but she says she does love me a lot.

Well... I am too confused to understand what she meant by that, but I feel all messed up from inside.

Life is a merely collection of experiences, and your reaction to those experiences.
So instead of looking at this as a bad experience, look at it in a different way.
React to this experience differently.
You lost a girlfriend, but you gained knowledge and freedom.

Would you consider yourself dependant upon others for happiness?

In this case, I would have to say Yes.

 

[Zysoclaplem]

Originally posted by: maximus maximus

Originally posted by: Zysoclaplem

Originally posted by: maximus maximus

Originally posted by: Zysoclaplem

Originally posted by: DaShen

Originally posted by: Zysoclaplem
1. Respect yourself. Everything else comes second.

You were doing all of this for her. Yes it is very sweet and I am sure you are a nice and caring guy who would have done anything for her, but you are an individual.
You do not need her to be happy. Gotta get those priorities straight.

I have posted enough break up threads on this board to know how much of an idiot I was for throwing myself at people. You are worth more than that. Her life is going one way, and your life is now going the other. Don't be sad or scared of this. You can stand still and wallow in self pity for the rest of your life, but the world doesn't stand still.
That's not to say that you don't deserve to grieve for a period of time. But she is not your world. You were here before you met her and you are still here now that she is gone.

There is nothing wrong with going out of your way for people you care for, but yeah, it is about respecting yourself. Even if you do things for others, you can't let them walk all over you. People in general will not respect someone who lets them take advantage of them. On the other hand, doing things for someone because it gives you happiness and pleasure to see them happy is different because you aren't letting them take advantage of you, rather you are doing it as an act of service.

But at what cost?
There is absolutely nothing wrong with doing things for the people we love.
I may be 100% wrong here, but it sounds like he was trying to please her at his own expense. And then she leaves, and he grieves at her loss.
When you let the situation trump logic and reason, you are just setting yourself up for hurt.
You have to look out for #1, but that doesn't mean you cannot give yourself to someone completely. You just take a much more cautious and logical approach.

IMO, if she doesn't have time for you, she won't make time for you. And if she won't make time for you, she isn't worth your time.

Well, she had an extremely busy schedule and there have been times when I would plan something and the plans would not work out because she was too busy.

I never got mad at her in those situations, instead I told her that I understand that she does 2 jobs and has a difficult time balancing her personal and professional life.

I have been so understanding... I have never treated her badly... I have respected and supported her at every step... she never gave indications that she was not happy with me..

When she broke up with me, I even asked her what did I do wrong... she di not have anything to say.. she just says she does not have time for me, but she says she does love me a lot.

Well... I am too confused to understand what she meant by that, but I feel all messed up from inside.

Life is a merely collection of experiences, and your reaction to those experiences.
So instead of looking at this as a bad experience, look at it in a different way.
React to this experience differently.
You lost a girlfriend, but you gained knowledge and freedom.

Would you consider yourself dependant upon others for happiness?

In this case, I would have to say Yes.

Why?

 

[maximus maximus]

Originally posted by: Zysoclaplem

Originally posted by: maximus maximus

Originally posted by: Zysoclaplem

Originally posted by: maximus maximus

Originally posted by: Zysoclaplem

Originally posted by: DaShen

Originally posted by: Zysoclaplem
1. Respect yourself. Everything else comes second.

You were doing all of this for her. Yes it is very sweet and I am sure you are a nice and caring guy who would have done anything for her, but you are an individual.
You do not need her to be happy. Gotta get those priorities straight.

I have posted enough break up threads on this board to know how much of an idiot I was for throwing myself at people. You are worth more than that. Her life is going one way, and your life is now going the other. Don't be sad or scared of this. You can stand still and wallow in self pity for the rest of your life, but the world doesn't stand still.
That's not to say that you don't deserve to grieve for a period of time. But she is not your world. You were here before you met her and you are still here now that she is gone.

There is nothing wrong with going out of your way for people you care for, but yeah, it is about respecting yourself. Even if you do things for others, you can't let them walk all over you. People in general will not respect someone who lets them take advantage of them. On the other hand, doing things for someone because it gives you happiness and pleasure to see them happy is different because you aren't letting them take advantage of you, rather you are doing it as an act of service.

But at what cost?
There is absolutely nothing wrong with doing things for the people we love.
I may be 100% wrong here, but it sounds like he was trying to please her at his own expense. And then she leaves, and he grieves at her loss.
When you let the situation trump logic and reason, you are just setting yourself up for hurt.
You have to look out for #1, but that doesn't mean you cannot give yourself to someone completely. You just take a much more cautious and logical approach.

IMO, if she doesn't have time for you, she won't make time for you. And if she won't make time for you, she isn't worth your time.

Well, she had an extremely busy schedule and there have been times when I would plan something and the plans would not work out because she was too busy.

I never got mad at her in those situations, instead I told her that I understand that she does 2 jobs and has a difficult time balancing her personal and professional life.

I have been so understanding... I have never treated her badly... I have respected and supported her at every step... she never gave indications that she was not happy with me..

When she broke up with me, I even asked her what did I do wrong... she di not have anything to say.. she just says she does not have time for me, but she says she does love me a lot.

Well... I am too confused to understand what she meant by that, but I feel all messed up from inside.

Life is a merely collection of experiences, and your reaction to those experiences.
So instead of looking at this as a bad experience, look at it in a different way.
React to this experience differently.
You lost a girlfriend, but you gained knowledge and freedom.

Would you consider yourself dependant upon others for happiness?

In this case, I would have to say Yes.

Why?

Being with her made me happy and now that she broke up with me, I feel bad.
Yes. I was kinda dependent on her for love and affection.

 

[Zysoclaplem]

Originally posted by: maximus maximus

Originally posted by: Zysoclaplem

Originally posted by: maximus maximus

Originally posted by: Zysoclaplem

Originally posted by: maximus maximus

Originally posted by: Zysoclaplem

Originally posted by: DaShen

Originally posted by: Zysoclaplem
1. Respect yourself. Everything else comes second.

You were doing all of this for her. Yes it is very sweet and I am sure you are a nice and caring guy who would have done anything for her, but you are an individual.
You do not need her to be happy. Gotta get those priorities straight.

I have posted enough break up threads on this board to know how much of an idiot I was for throwing myself at people. You are worth more than that. Her life is going one way, and your life is now going the other. Don't be sad or scared of this. You can stand still and wallow in self pity for the rest of your life, but the world doesn't stand still.
That's not to say that you don't deserve to grieve for a period of time. But she is not your world. You were here before you met her and you are still here now that she is gone.

There is nothing wrong with going out of your way for people you care for, but yeah, it is about respecting yourself. Even if you do things for others, you can't let them walk all over you. People in general will not respect someone who lets them take advantage of them. On the other hand, doing things for someone because it gives you happiness and pleasure to see them happy is different because you aren't letting them take advantage of you, rather you are doing it as an act of service.

But at what cost?
There is absolutely nothing wrong with doing things for the people we love.
I may be 100% wrong here, but it sounds like he was trying to please her at his own expense. And then she leaves, and he grieves at her loss.
When you let the situation trump logic and reason, you are just setting yourself up for hurt.
You have to look out for #1, but that doesn't mean you cannot give yourself to someone completely. You just take a much more cautious and logical approach.

IMO, if she doesn't have time for you, she won't make time for you. And if she won't make time for you, she isn't worth your time.

Well, she had an extremely busy schedule and there have been times when I would plan something and the plans would not work out because she was too busy.

I never got mad at her in those situations, instead I told her that I understand that she does 2 jobs and has a difficult time balancing her personal and professional life.

I have been so understanding... I have never treated her badly... I have respected and supported her at every step... she never gave indications that she was not happy with me..

When she broke up with me, I even asked her what did I do wrong... she di not have anything to say.. she just says she does not have time for me, but she says she does love me a lot.

Well... I am too confused to understand what she meant by that, but I feel all messed up from inside.

Life is a merely collection of experiences, and your reaction to those experiences.
So instead of looking at this as a bad experience, look at it in a different way.
React to this experience differently.
You lost a girlfriend, but you gained knowledge and freedom.

Would you consider yourself dependant upon others for happiness?

In this case, I would have to say Yes.

Why?

Being with her made me happy and now that she broke up with me, I feel bad.
Yes. I was kinda dependent on her for love and affection.

Was it truly her that made you happy?
Or was it that you found someone you cared for?

 

[maximus maximus]

Originally posted by: Zysoclaplem

Originally posted by: maximus maximus

Being with her made me happy and now that she broke up with me, I feel bad.
Yes. I was kinda dependent on her for love and affection.

Was it truly her that made you happy?
Or was it that you found someone you cared for?

I removed some of the quotes to make it more readable...
well, to answer yoru question honestly, I would have to say the second option.

 

[Chrono]

Anything you do, just stop seeing her and remove and put her stuff in a box ASAP!

My ex broke up with me in late august, I didn't realize that the only way to really forget someone is to stop seeing that sh@!#$. Only thing is I ruined the awesome forgetting of her by seeing her this past Christmas for coffee. Now I'm reminded of our past and I'm sorta depressed again. So don't do what I did DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!

 

[Zysoclaplem]

Originally posted by: maximus maximus

Originally posted by: Zysoclaplem

Originally posted by: maximus maximus

Being with her made me happy and now that she broke up with me, I feel bad.
Yes. I was kinda dependent on her for love and affection.

Was it truly her that made you happy?
Or was it that you found someone you cared for?

I removed some of the quotes to make it more readable...
well, to answer yoru question honestly, I would have to say the second option.

Well then, what you want to be is happy, not with her.
She isn't bringing you down. You are bringing you down.
There are so many different things in this world that can make you happy again.

 

[richardycc]

sounds like you are a clingy guy, maybe thats what drove her away..you just need to find a girl that LOVE clingy guy, and thinks its cool that you are clingy and needy. oh I forgot to tell you what worked for me, my ex hottie gf broke up with me over winter break over the phone with no reason, maybe she hooked up with someone else over winter break, she was a freshman at another college and I was a jr, needless to say I was devastated and had a hard time to get over her. I didnt see her the next semester, and I bumped into her one day in the summer. I was still not 100% over her at time, anyway, she probably gained at least 20punds (freshman 15? hehe), we chatted for a few mins, but I swear, as soon as we said bye to each other, I was a whole new man, I was totally completely gotten over her from that moment. So you might want to try to picture your ex gained 20-50pounds, see if it will work, it might only work if the relationship is based on physical attraction, which mine was. good luck dude!

 

[Chrono]

lol. my ex had lost 10 lbs, so she looked hotter than ever. plus she's dating some cockblocker from way back when i was trying to get with her.

ok i'm cool now seeing how miserable everyone else is as well.

lol

 

[psydancerqt]

you gotta be able to make yourself happy before someone else is gonna wanna be with you. you cant depend on a girl for happiness in life. it's not fair for you or the girl.

 

[DaShen]

Originally posted by: psydancerqt
you gotta be able to make yourself happy before someone else is gonna wanna be with you. you cant depend on a girl for happiness in life. it's not fair for you or the girl.

Agreed

 

[Ticks]

Hang out with some friends STAT. Don't sit at home by yourself and be sad

 

[DaShen]

Originally posted by: Zysoclaplem

Originally posted by: DaShen

Originally posted by: Zysoclaplem
1. Respect yourself. Everything else comes second.

You were doing all of this for her. Yes it is very sweet and I am sure you are a nice and caring guy who would have done anything for her, but you are an individual.
You do not need her to be happy. Gotta get those priorities straight.

I have posted enough break up threads on this board to know how much of an idiot I was for throwing myself at people. You are worth more than that. Her life is going one way, and your life is now going the other. Don't be sad or scared of this. You can stand still and wallow in self pity for the rest of your life, but the world doesn't stand still.
That's not to say that you don't deserve to grieve for a period of time. But she is not your world. You were here before you met her and you are still here now that she is gone.

There is nothing wrong with going out of your way for people you care for, but yeah, it is about respecting yourself. Even if you do things for others, you can't let them walk all over you. People in general will not respect someone who lets them take advantage of them. On the other hand, doing things for someone because it gives you happiness and pleasure to see them happy is different because you aren't letting them take advantage of you, rather you are doing it as an act of service.

But at what cost?
There is absolutely nothing wrong with doing things for the people we love.
I may be 100% wrong here, but it sounds like he was trying to please her at his own expense. And then she leaves, and he grieves at her loss.
When you let the situation trump logic and reason, you are just setting yourself up for hurt.
You have to look out for #1, but that doesn't mean you cannot give yourself to someone completely. You just take a much more cautious and logical approach.

IMO, if she doesn't have time for you, she won't make time for you. And if she won't make time for you, she isn't worth your time.

Hmmm. Yeah, I do see your point. I guess it is just that I tend to go out of my way for everyone I know. You definitely don't want to be a doormat for others though. There is a fine line to being selfless and looking out for your friends and being insecure and just needing to please everyone. I need to work on that sometimes myself, but usually when I find that someone is "getting used" or "expecting" my generosity, I tend to back off and let them do there own thing. Usually though, unless a friend starts to take advantage of my want to help people, I will do things out of my way to help them.

You can usually tell the ones who appreciate your help, by the fact that they are not constantly asking you to do things for them, but are asking only when they need help.

 

[jman19]

Time, booze, going out with friends.

 

[iroast]

Learn to play the guitar?

 

[DaShen]

Originally posted by: iroast
Learn to play the guitar?

QFT.

Music and playing an instrument help out alot! 🙂
You get to pour yourself into a hobby like that.

 

[Chrishuff1]

Well here's what I did....

I'll start off by saying I'm a Christian so I took my new free time to learn more about God (understandable if this isn't your thing, religion isnt for everyone). I also took the time to hang out with a lot of friends, and repair some relationships. I did things *I* wanted. Finished projects I had started. Had ME time for once. And after 6 months or so, I'm a completely different person, for the better!

Glad to see that you aren't going to drown your sorrows in some alcohol!

 

[angminas]

Respecting yourself doesn't come first. Real happiness comes from respecting and loving others, in conjunction with being careful that you don't get used any more than necessary. You want the woman to treat you just as well as you treat her so it's balanced and real. However, a mature person will be more interested in being good to everyone around them than in finding someone who will be good to them. It can be difficult, but I'd rather have nobody than the wrong person, and I want someone who feels the same way.

To me, it sounds like you were going way too fast. I know many here would disagree, but it's very difficult to build the real intimacy that a truly loving relationship is based on, and stuff like sex, multi-day vacations, plans to move in together, etc. are going to add a lot of stress. It sounds like she had too much stress already and just didn't have room for somebody who came across as overeager or needy. Think how much worse this would have been if you'd actually had sex with her. One of the reasons people shouldn't be in a hurry to have sex. (Though I consider 3rd base to be intercourse- cue flames.) People aren't born knowing what love is- they have to learn it, and then they have to make the hard choices to put it into effect. It isn't about any of the things you mentioned doing with her, though.

I recommend taking yourself off the market for 2-3 months and looking deep inside yourself. Something's missing- you feel it, and she certainly sensed it...but whatever it is, it's not going to come from a girl. It sounds to me like you could use a more developed sense of identity. This may be what people are referring to when they say to respect yourself, but building self-esteem doesn't come through treating yourself right, it comes through treating others right, so that you have something inside yourself worth respecting. Try some new activities in new places where you can chat with people with less hookup pressure. An exercise class that has both men and women your age would be great- martial arts or dance, perhaps. Volunteer somewhere that interests you, even if it's only a few hours a week. When you spend your time giving, you will meet other people who enjoy giving. (Some who enjoy taking, too, but that's much easier to find.) And do some non-computer-related hobbies alone. Crafts, gardening, carpentry- something that gives you something tangible to show for your work. If you don't drink yet, now is the worst possible time to start. Same with other drugs.

Here is an article that I have read a number of times and found very useful. I hope you will too.

 

[archcommus]

My girlfriend of 2 1/2 years broke up with me a year ago today, actually. It took me about six months to get completely over her, maybe three months to at least become "okay." There are a few things you should do:

1) Don't talk to her or hang out with her. It took me six months to finally figure that out, but the more you see her and hang out with her the more it'll hurt. Now, I see my ex all the time and we are very good friends, but that didn't really work until after I stopped talking to her for a few months and healed.

2) Make yourself happy and improve yourself. You won't be ready for another relationship until you are happy with yourself and your own life without using someone else as a crutch. Clean up some old nasty habits, learn something you've always wanted to, buy yourself a new toy, and make better friends with people you used to just be acquaintances with. Go on dates - not looking for a relationship, but just for fun and to get attention from other women.

3) Box up and put away anything that reminds you of her. Don't destroy them, as one day you'll probably regret it, just box them up and don't look at them.

4) Don't dwell in the past or focus on only the good things about your relationship. Recall the bad things that probably led you to breaking up so you understand and accept why it happened. Figure out why this is right for your life, because chances are it is.