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YAGT: Sex problems

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EyeMWing's official YAGT Crisis Management Advice: Be a man, and fap. When she wants some, deny it, and twist the situation so that it looks like you're doing it for her own good.
 
listen to your bros, there is something else going on...and you haven't been dating long enough to get married without having worked it out before. Religious, family, abuse, guilt, alcoholic parents, insecurity, whatever... you cannot solve it yourself, no matter how hard you try it will always be there and you'll blame yourself, but you are not to blame

been there, done that
 
Originally posted by: AAman
listen to your bros, there is something else going on...and you haven't been dating long enough to get married without having worked it out before. Religious, family, abuse, guilt, alcoholic parents, insecurity, whatever... you cannot solve it yourself, no matter how hard you try it will always be there and you'll blame yourself, but you are not to blame

been there, done that
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My point.

been there, done that, you can't fix her, she's mentally f'ed up.....broken.

move on.
 
Originally posted by: spidey07
Originally posted by: AAman
listen to your bros, there is something else going on...and you haven't been dating long enough to get married without having worked it out before. Religious, family, abuse, guilt, alcoholic parents, insecurity, whatever... you cannot solve it yourself, no matter how hard you try it will always be there and you'll blame yourself, but you are not to blame

been there, done that
Click to expand...

My point.

been there, done that, you can't fix her, she's mentally f'ed up.....broken.

move on.
Click to expand...


Agreed, except: What once was broken can be fixed. Just not by you or anyone else, except herself.
 
Originally posted by: Doboji
SO I've been with this girl for 10 months now... I am 26 she is 25... we've had our ups and downs... but in short, I've fallen head over heels... and so has she. Things have been absolutely fantastic... however... there is an issue with sex. It is as follows...

She has extreme feelings of guilt from sex.... we first started some 6 months ago... and nearly broke up as a result of it. Everything seemed great from my end... but she was like damn I really didnt want to do that...

What really throws me off about it... is she is so into it, when we do... and every green light in the world is flashing... not a single "no" or "stop" of any kind.

She explains she doesnt want to have sex until we're at least engaged. I say I think thats silly, but if thats how she feels of course I will always respect her desire to not do anything.

Well several times throughout the last 10 months we've had sex anyway... she'll come on really strong and even initiate the sex herself... only to be extremely upset afterwards.

Well she spent virtually the whole month of February away... and just came back this past week.... so I did a welcome home/valentines day makeup.... took her to NYC, got tickets to a broadway show... booked a suite with a jacuzzi... champagne the whole nine yards. Laaate into the night one thing leads to another... and we end up doing the deed again.... and now she is depressed and upset... and I don't know what to do...

it's one thing to stop when someone says no... it's another thing to stop when someone is pushing you for something you actually want... This situation is bound to repeate itself...

Should I just be more of a man... and withhold it for her sake even when she's begging for it...

Understand I am deeply deeply in love with this girl... and engagement... provided we can survive the next couple months is certainly in the near future.

-Max
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do you really want to marry this girl? you think her sexual issues will end after you get engaged/married? i don't think so. :shocked:

 
I agree with therapy. Sex with an SO that you have been seeing for a long amount of time should never lead to bad feelings. A healthy sex life is probably one of the best things for any relationship.She obviously has severe issues. I think you should have a serious talk with her, and don't have sex with her again until something changes. Don't let any ideas of engagement rush into your head either, there's absolutely no reason to rush things.
 
Originally posted by: Siva
I agree with therapy. Sex with an SO that you have been seeing for a long amount of time should never lead to bad feelings. A healthy sex life is probably one of the best things for any relationship.She obviously has severe issues. I think you should have a serious talk with her, and don't have sex with her again until something changes. Don't let any ideas of engagement rush into your head either, there's absolutely no reason to rush things.
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that or realize that there are a millions+ women who don't have this kind of severe hangup.

been there too many times man. It ain't worth it, cut your losses.
 
Originally posted by: spidey07
dump her, move on and find somebody without so many issues.

seriously, if she can't enjoy the ultimate act of love then that is her problem...NOT YOURS.

-edit- PS, sounds like she has been abused at some point which should be an even bigger red flag. Damaged goods, man. damaged goods.
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QFT
 
She explains she doesnt want to have sex until we're at least engaged
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You said it... You obviously know the issue and know what she wants. Her getting upset is basically her feelings in the way. Some girls tend to get nervous because of the whole pregnancy issue, etc when they're not married because the guy can split. What she wants is some kind of promise that you're going to be around for her. It's tough because you may not be ready for that step, but if you get engaged, you can always postpone the wedding for a couple of years...

The real question, is she the gal you want to marry? If you don't know by the end of 1 year...you need to get out of the relationship ASAP... It doesn't get any easier.
 
Ok I hear what everyone is saying....

1. This is not a move-on scenario... yes it's alot of trouble and heartache.... but you don't throw away something like this because of an maybe-workeable issue. At this point... I'm not willing to drop and run.... that may change... but right now... hell no.

2. Counseling seems absolutely a great idea... now how the hell do I convince this girl to see counseling.

Problem is: she sees her way of looking at things as completely normal.

Thanx all for the comments... keep em coming... believe it or not... the conversation and multiple perspectives helps me confirm I'm not going insane...

-Max
 
Originally posted by: Doboji
Ok I hear what everyone is saying....

1. This is not a move-on scenario... yes it's alot of trouble and heartache.... but you don't throw away something like this because of an maybe-workeable issue. At this point... I'm not willing to drop and run.... that may change... but right now... hell no.

2. Counseling seems absolutely a great idea... now how the hell do I convince this girl to see counseling.

3. My dick is small so thats part of the problem

Problem is: she sees her way of looking at things as completely normal.

Thanx all for the comments... keep em coming... believe it or not... the conversation and multiple perspectives helps me confirm I'm not going insane...

-Max
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fixed 😛
 
I agree that it sounds more serious than most guilt cases. Normally I would suggest being really romantic to her right after sex and showing her how much you love her, thus making her feel less slutty and dirty. However, your description sounds like this is more than just a normal guilty after sex thing. You should have a long talk about this, and ask her if being engaged will sooth her feelings.
 
a) maybe she was abused as a kid or something, i'd dig into that...CAREFULLY

OR

b) your sex *really* is bad and she doesnt get satisfied (but then why the guilt ???)

Otherwise its ODD..i mean she's a 25 year old adult....what happened there in the past ?

My guess is a) since there must be a reason why she feels guilt.....or maybe she is a lesbian ? (seriously)

Edit:

red flag: THESE problems already before marriage...UGH.... 🙁

The longer you go with the relationship/finally marry her:

a) it could get WORSE....which means NULL sex-life if its already bad NOW
b) you get the issues resolved somehow by checking what is going on with her....also think about counseling, psycholgist/psychiatrist etc...
 
Originally posted by: spidey07
Originally posted by: Siva
I agree with therapy. Sex with an SO that you have been seeing for a long amount of time should never lead to bad feelings. A healthy sex life is probably one of the best things for any relationship.She obviously has severe issues. I think you should have a serious talk with her, and don't have sex with her again until something changes. Don't let any ideas of engagement rush into your head either, there's absolutely no reason to rush things.
Click to expand...

that or realize that there are a millions+ women who don't have this kind of severe hangup.

been there too many times man. It ain't worth it, cut your losses.
Click to expand...

You don't just cut your losses when you are head over heels. It doesn't work that way. Better to fix things now than let them get out of hand and destroy the relationship later.
 
>>>
2. Counseling seems absolutely a great idea... now how the hell do I convince this girl to see counseling.
>>>

by telling her its absolutely not normal to feel guilt because of sex ?

Btw. what culture/religion is she from ? Did she have former bf/s ? If yes..what happened there ?
 
Originally posted by: Doboji
Ok I hear what everyone is saying....

1. This is not a move-on scenario... yes it's alot of trouble and heartache.... but you don't throw away something like this because of an maybe-workeable issue. At this point... I'm not willing to drop and run.... that may change... but right now... hell no.

2. Counseling seems absolutely a great idea... now how the hell do I convince this girl to see counseling.

Problem is: she sees her way of looking at things as completely normal.

Thanx all for the comments... keep em coming... believe it or not... the conversation and multiple perspectives helps me confirm I'm not going insane...

-Max
Click to expand...


Trust me, I thought I was going insane for the longest time too.

1. I'm in the same scenario you are, and it's not easy. Frankly, sometimes it's down right crazy and you might even question why your putting up with it all. I guess that's all normal, but as long as you still have good times it should at the very least balance out the bad.

2. What I did was very gently hinting that it might be good for her to talk to someone (it helped that she already kind of understood that it was probably a good idea for her to talk to someone anyway, I was just the primary reason. I almost never brought it up unless she did, but I was always consistent in my belief that she should see someone.

The biggest thing (and the thing I keep stressing to my gf) is that it'll be up to her. All you can do is be there for her, but most, if not all the healing will have to be from her own self (it helps if she actually recognises that need).

Also, don't be blinded into seeing only the flaws in your SO. We all have things we can improve on, and it will help both of you tremendously if you admit your imperfections and come to an "agreement" that if she works on her issues, you'll work on yours.

Just some ideas...
 
Originally posted by: flexy
>>>
2. Counseling seems absolutely a great idea... now how the hell do I convince this girl to see counseling.
>>>

by telling her its absolutely not normal to feel guilt because of sex ?

Btw. what culture/religion is she from ? Did she have former bf/s ? If yes..what happened there ?
Click to expand...

It's not the greatest idea to be so blunt. Telling her that she's not "normal" will only make her feel even more inadequate than she feels right now. But don't pretend it's normal either. It's a very fine line you have to walk...
 
trust me dude.....it is time to move on. It simply not healthy to put yourself through this kind of drama and stress. Sex is very important in a relationship and if it is causing this kind of trouble, well...

A relationship is supposed to be rewarding, not a constant battle to "fix" her problems.

Let me guess? Afterwards she cries? She feels "dirty?" She feels guilty? Serious emotional/mental problems and you will not fix them. No matter how much you love her you will not fix her. (ps - My first love of two years was a horndog but ensured me if she got pregnant she would kill herself.....talk about toxic)

Sex should be a rewarding and loving experience. If it is not then run far, far away because everytime you want to initiate you'll have to deal with this bullcrap/drama.

It just ain't healthy.
 
As a religious person that has chatted with a lot of other religious people...she doesn't have to be crazy...she has a conflict of moral ideals and desires....pretty common in most individuals, nothing to go crazy over.

1. Yes it is really tough to keep your pants on at 4am after you have been going at it for 4+hours, but well, you may want to do that, it will be better for you and her.
2. there is no time frame as when things are ok to have sex with your SO.....if she has been taught that she should wait until she's married, or has concerns about pregnancy (which a lot of guys don't think about), that isn't so off the wall, I will agree with Mosh on this one....she doesn't want you taking off, or she really thinks marriage is a big deal
3. If you are in for it, then go for it.....if she wants to be engaged, get engaged, set the date for like 2 years down the road, and if that wasn't the issue, then you really need to have serious chats with her, and she needs to possibly chat with someone professionally.
4. Yes sex should be a rewarding experience, but it is the timing that throws a lot of people off...some really want to wait, others it is no big deal. Find out how she feels about it and what she wants...obviously she is into it physically...ask her what she would like you to do in that situation.

Good luck!
 
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