yagt: marriage related...

[Semidevil]

Me and My gf of 1 year is in a long distance relationship. I am 21, and she is 23. Our relationship for the past year and love for eachother has been good, and we discussed that we are made for eachother....we already had our share of fights and we went through a lot together too.

My gf, is a foreigner, and after school ends, she has only a few choices in order to stay w/ me. grad school, job, or marriage. She has no money for grad school, and her finding a job that will let her stay is hard. The next choice is marriage. She really wants to marry me. She wants to do it as soon as possible, since she wants to be with me, as soon as next year.

reasons to get married include her strong love for me, and her age. She will be 24 by the spring of next year, so she wants to get married and start a family.

She lhas pride and strong loves her hometown country, and she is willing to give it all up, to come to america to be with me. She knows I wont come because I have been in america for so long, so she is willing to come.

On to me:

I want to be with her too...and I can see myself marrying her also...but my concern is the age thing....I will be only 22 by then....fresh out of undergrad. Job? dunno.....and she will surely want to raise a family. I just feel like I"m not ready for marriage.....but I do love her. And also, I feel that I wont have the youth that I have now......you know? hanging out w/ friends and no responsiblities....my new responsitiblities will be to raise a family(which is not a bad thing)

I feel like since she is sacrficing her hometown and leaving everything to be w/ me, I can scrafice some of my things too right? is this how this works? I just dont want to regret whatever I make.

That's why I decide I am going to talk to my parents tommorow, and see their suggestions. My concern is also, of their answer. My parents seen her, and they do love her very much, and they do see a person like her being my wife.....but at the same time, my parents are the typical "Start a family when you are financially stable" type of people.

so whatever answer they give me, do I take it as it is and tell my gf?

and no, she probably doesn't want to wait....I know her, and she is a very girly girl, she needs love, and care...and can't wait...so.....

 

[Yanagi]

Allright man, this is a thing you dont want to rush into.

I know how it is since im exactly oyur age.

Im in a relationship with a woman my age. We've been together for almost 2 years now, and we discussed marriage aswell. What you really want to do is listen to others, but dont do what they say, just hear them out. Think really carefully if you can picture yoiurself with her in 10 years. Marriage is nothing to be taken light.

She is a foreigner. Not to sound racist but sometimes that can be a problem aswell. She says now she want to give all that up, but does she really? Wont she feel different when the sacrifice is made?

Marriage, and all kinds of relationships are about giving and taking. You need to sacrifice a lot, but oyu also will recieve a lot if the relationship's good.

I think she might change her mind about giving it all up. Or she is too afraid telling you that she is hesitant leaving her home country for good. I think you really should try to discuss that with her as that would be the most concern.

Hope i was of some kind of help at least and if you want to discuss it further, just drop me a PM.

*cough* PICS or BAN!! *cough*

Sorry, just had to be one of the ATOT:ers :beer:

 

[iotone]

holy crap, this sounds just like me about a year and a half ago...

had a gf, she wasn't quite a foreigner... she had come here on political asylum many years ago, and due to bad advice from family that was already here and what i believe was faith in a crappy lawyer, she and her family had yet to become full citizens...

she and i had plans for grad school, she was gonna go to the east coast for a few years, and i was gonna go to continue in CS grad at my school in CA... a few months before we graduated, she revealed her past to me, and asked me to marry her so that she could become a citizen and ease the burden on her family... tight spot for me to be in really...

at first i said yes, but then we talked about it cuz she saw my hesitation... i then took it back, wondered why i couldn't do it... and the reason was: because i was not ready. emotionally, mentally, financially. and yes, call me an idealist, but i'd like to have only 1 marriage in my life (i already have a counter-example: my parents divorced when i was 3)

we broke up shortly after that, then got back together after graduation, and i thought all was well... but one night in august she revealed to me that because of everything, she had an arranged marriage that she was going to go thru behind my back... it was only because of what the priest had said at church that sunday that made her decide that she had to be honest and tell me... all that said and done, she left, did whatever she did, and went to the east coast...

so, for someone who's kinda been there, and who is fairly young (this happened from mid 21 to right after my 22nd bday, currently 23) like yourself, my advice is: only if you are ready should you do it. you're cheating yourself if marry and you're not ready, and you're cheating her as well.

feel free to drop me a pm on any of this if you need.

 

[HardcoreRobot]

If you really want to keep her, marry her. I am your age and I see people around me getting married, and I too feel that I am not ready. In your case though, it really is take it or leave it. Don't forget, you don't have to have kids and a family immediately. Marry her, keep her in the states, and if things are still going well in a couple years, start a family. She may seem anxious to get down, but I think the real issue is that she wants to be in a position to (ie married). You seem ok with the marriage part, so discuss with her your reservations about the offspring.

 

[KB]

It sounds like you are infatuated, but you need to keep a level head. A 1 yr relationship isn't very long. And since it is a long distance relationship, you really don't know this person as well as you think you do. Because she is a foriegner and wants to be a citizen, you have to think she may have an alterior motive for marrying you. I would really think hard about this. Perhaps live together for a little while before taking the plunge.

 

[boggsie]

Most of our culture tries to convince people that love is the giddy feeling of desire one has when they long to be with a person or the explosive feeling of euphoria of being with a particular person.

Marriage is then framed as a compromise or partnership, where each person is willing to go so far to make the marriage work. Marriage gets twisted into a quest for finding a person whom can help sustain these feelings of desire and euphoria. When the feelings end, it's time to go one's separate ways. Marriage is based on the terms compromise and partnership, which suggest somewhere around 50/50 split of the responsibilities.

Do not be deceived into believing these outright lies. They lead down the path of trying to rationalize marriage as a set of variables in an equation.

Love is about sacrifice. Love is a verb of action. A person who commits this Love to another person is willing to sacrifice all of their own wants, needs and desires to make the life of the other person as wonderful as possible.

Marriage is an extension of and commitment to this definition of Love. This commitment should not be entered into lightly. Our culture continues to erode this definition of marriage and to some, it has simply turned into a convenient and economical living arrangement.

What if, six months into the marriage, this woman is paralyzed? Would you care for her Lovingly? Would you feed her, bathe her and soothe her bed sores with lotion for the next fifty years, even though she could not do anything yo recriprocate?

Does the faith, determination, commitment and self-sacrifice exist in you that you could make statements like this about your relationship with this woman?

 

[Carbo]

No one is ready for marriage at 22. No one. It is a life altering experience that cannot be understood or imagined until you are in the midst of it. At your age you should have other priorities: establishing your career and finances are just one. What about exploring the big world outside your door? Do you really want to slip into the quiet desperation that Thoreau wrote of? If so, prepare yourself for a massive and tumultuous mid life crisis at 40.
I mean this with all sincerity. Do not marry at such a young age. And if you're being pressured to do so, that is even more of a reason not to.

 

[isasir]

You're in a 1 year long distance relationship. Have you spent time together to see if you two would get along? I think you're rushing into things if you don't even do that before marriage.

 

[Jzero]

You know deep down inside what the answer is. I dated a girl for 3 years and another for 2.5 and I never felt "ready" to get married. In April '03 I broke up with the second girl to start seeing another girl. By May '03 I suddenly felt "ready."

Trust your gut.

 

[torpid]

Originally posted by: isasir
You're in a 1 year long distance relationship. Have you spent time together to see if you two would get along? I think you're rushing into things if you don't even do that before marriage.

 

[WhiteKnight]

Originally posted by: Carbo
No one is ready for marriage at 22. No one. It is a life altering experience that cannot be understood or imagined until you are in the midst of it. At your age you should have other priorities: establishing your career and finances are just one. What about exploring the big world outside your door? Do you really want to slip into the quiet desperation that Thoreau wrote of? If so, prepare yourself for a massive and tumultuous mid life crisis at 40.
I mean this with all sincerity. Do not marry at such a young age. And if you're being pressured to do so, that is even more of a reason not to.

I agree that he shouldn't do it if he's being pressured, but a blanket statement that "No one is ready for marriage at 22?" Come on now. It may not be your opinion, but I'm sure there are people out there that are ready for marriage at, I dunno, 17. They will certainly have very different lives than you, but don't condemn them for that.

 

[Semidevil]

Originally posted by: Jzero
You know deep down inside what the answer is. I dated a girl for 3 years and another for 2.5 and I never felt "ready" to get married. In April '03 I broke up with the second girl to start seeing another girl. By May '03 I suddenly felt "ready."

Trust your gut.

thanx guys, I really do appreciate the positive replies. I just get confused sometimes, you know.....I see her doing all these things for me. She is leaving her hometown and family and friends to be with me.....and she even trys to correct herself to make me happy(at first, we got into a lot of fights, but after that, we tried to work it out, and she even went as far as reading self help books). I can tell she is doing so many things to be with me.

For me, I feel like I"m not doing much. I mean, I can see myself being w/ her in the future, and the question is whether I can do it a few years earlier then I originally planned for myself. Sometimes, I think that it is worth it to do it because she has done so much. but then again, I feel really nervous when I think about it right now at this moment....and especially, w/ a foreigner, you cannot delay plans, because you need to prepare visa and crap.

Anywho, keep the replies coming if you have anymore. I need to talk to my parents about this...so....

 

[thirdlegstump]

My serious opinion is that she's using you to get a visa. You've been in a long distance relationship for 1 year? How long were you with her before the long distance relationship? Or is that 1 year TOTAL including the long distance? I smell fish here.

 

[Carbo]

Originally posted by: WhiteKnight

Originally posted by: Carbo
No one is ready for marriage at 22. No one. It is a life altering experience that cannot be understood or imagined until you are in the midst of it. At your age you should have other priorities: establishing your career and finances are just one. What about exploring the big world outside your door? Do you really want to slip into the quiet desperation that Thoreau wrote of? If so, prepare yourself for a massive and tumultuous mid life crisis at 40.
I mean this with all sincerity. Do not marry at such a young age. And if you're being pressured to do so, that is even more of a reason not to.

I agree that he shouldn't do it if he's being pressured, but a blanket statement that "No one is ready for marriage at 22?" Come on now. It may not be your opinion, but I'm sure there are people out there that are ready for marriage at, I dunno, 17. They will certainly have very different lives than you, but don't condemn them for that.

No one is being "condemned". I offered an opinion and advice that was sought. And my perspective is quite a bit different since I'm quite a bit older. So, I'll say it again in a way that is more politically correct for you. To get married at the age of 22, (let alone the 17 you suggest), if foolhardy at best and a complete disaster in the making at worst. There is too much to do, and too much to see. And a comittment like marriage changes all of that.
Not to mention there is a sneaking suspicion this girl is in need a green card.

 

[Shelly21]

What country if you don't mind me asking?

 

[thirdlegstump]

I've been with my current gf for 4 years and I'm still in the thinking stage of marriage and I've lived with her for 3 years now.

 

[WhiteKnight]

Originally posted by: Carbo

Originally posted by: WhiteKnight

Originally posted by: Carbo
No one is ready for marriage at 22. No one. It is a life altering experience that cannot be understood or imagined until you are in the midst of it. At your age you should have other priorities: establishing your career and finances are just one. What about exploring the big world outside your door? Do you really want to slip into the quiet desperation that Thoreau wrote of? If so, prepare yourself for a massive and tumultuous mid life crisis at 40.
I mean this with all sincerity. Do not marry at such a young age. And if you're being pressured to do so, that is even more of a reason not to.

I agree that he shouldn't do it if he's being pressured, but a blanket statement that "No one is ready for marriage at 22?" Come on now. It may not be your opinion, but I'm sure there are people out there that are ready for marriage at, I dunno, 17. They will certainly have very different lives than you, but don't condemn them for that.

No one is being "condemned". I offered an opinion and advice that was sought. And my perspective is quite a bit different since I'm quite a bit older. So, I'll say it again in a way that is more politically correct for you. To get married at the age of 22, (let alone the 17 you suggest), if foolhardy at best and a complete disaster in the making at worst. There is too much to do, and too much to see. And a comittment like marriage changes all of that.
Not to mention there is a sneaking suspicion this girl is in need a green card.

Fair enough, to each his own. I realize that you weren't condemning anyone, it was just a poor word choice. I know plenty of people that got married in their early twenties that are still together and happy and I also know people for whom it did not work out. I just don't agree with absolute statements. I do agree about the possibility of an ulterior motive though.

 

[Semidevil]

she is from south korea.

we have been dating 1 year total......8 months physically together, + 3 or so months of long distance

And I dont think it has to do w/ green card or not...she is a very sweet girl, and we have had our fights of me going to live w/ her instead...and all that jazz.......

so....I think it really doesnt have anything to do w/ her...but just me needing to get my thoughts straight...

 

[Carbo]

Originally posted by: WhiteKnight

Originally posted by: Carbo

Originally posted by: WhiteKnight

Originally posted by: Carbo
No one is ready for marriage at 22. No one. It is a life altering experience that cannot be understood or imagined until you are in the midst of it. At your age you should have other priorities: establishing your career and finances are just one. What about exploring the big world outside your door? Do you really want to slip into the quiet desperation that Thoreau wrote of? If so, prepare yourself for a massive and tumultuous mid life crisis at 40.
I mean this with all sincerity. Do not marry at such a young age. And if you're being pressured to do so, that is even more of a reason not to.

I agree that he shouldn't do it if he's being pressured, but a blanket statement that "No one is ready for marriage at 22?" Come on now. It may not be your opinion, but I'm sure there are people out there that are ready for marriage at, I dunno, 17. They will certainly have very different lives than you, but don't condemn them for that.

No one is being "condemned". I offered an opinion and advice that was sought. And my perspective is quite a bit different since I'm quite a bit older. So, I'll say it again in a way that is more politically correct for you. To get married at the age of 22, (let alone the 17 you suggest), if foolhardy at best and a complete disaster in the making at worst. There is too much to do, and too much to see. And a comittment like marriage changes all of that.
Not to mention there is a sneaking suspicion this girl is in need a green card.

Fair enough, to each his own. I realize that you weren't condemning anyone, it was just a poor word choice. I know plenty of people that got married in their early twenties that are still together and happy and I also know people for whom it did not work out. I just don't agree with absolute statements. I do agree about the possibility of an ulterior motive though.

We seem to have made peace. I think I'm falling for you. Are you available?

 

[torpid]

Well, how about just planning to get married (aka get engaged), have her move in, and then have her look for a job? If she finds a job you can postpone the wedding.

Also, I wanted to note that many students can't afford grad school. My GF has $100 to her name for a month and is in grad school.

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: Semidevil

For me, I feel like I"m not doing much. I mean, I can see myself being w/ her in the future, and the question is whether I can do it a few years earlier then I originally planned for myself. Sometimes, I think that it is worth it to do it because she has done so much. but then again, I feel really nervous when I think about it right now at this moment....and especially, w/ a foreigner, you cannot delay plans, because you need to prepare visa and crap.

Anywho, keep the replies coming if you have anymore. I need to talk to my parents about this...so....

If you have to ask a bunch of strangers what you should do, you already know you shouldn't do it. Please don't go in to this because you have to or because you think you ought to. You sound like a really honorable guy to me, but don't do it for any reason other than because you want to be with her 24/7, come hell or high water. You don't owe her a marriage built on a sense of obligation; she deserves better than that, and so do you.

 

[crooked22]

My partner and I have been for 4 years together now. Not married though, for our own decisions, but we are committed to each other. Pretty much as in a marriage. We have a son together, cat, lots of love and we love sharing with each other. Shes my best friend. And it all started online in some forums and from there
we visited each other, and over time I decided I was going to leave everything behind and embark on this wild ride. I dont regret one bit.

Marriage is not for everybody, it depends on what you believe and how you feel. With that in mind, as kyourself, do I *really* love her? ("really" being the key word here)... do I *really* want to spend my
LIFE with her?....

If that is what you feel like that you want, go for it. A relationship is respect and compromise. If you
care for each other and respect each other, I dont see why it wont work. Is hard work, but is rewarding.

NOW, you should have mentioned where she was from. If I was in a position similar to yours, Id move out and go there. Is a new place and it should be exciting. Who knows, might be the perfect time for a life change. You are 21 and life is suddenly not the same whether you are there in somewhere else. Is a big risk, but you only get one opportunity. My opinion though.

 

[WhiteKnight]

Originally posted by: Carbo

Originally posted by: WhiteKnight

Originally posted by: Carbo

Originally posted by: WhiteKnight

Originally posted by: Carbo
No one is ready for marriage at 22. No one. It is a life altering experience that cannot be understood or imagined until you are in the midst of it. At your age you should have other priorities: establishing your career and finances are just one. What about exploring the big world outside your door? Do you really want to slip into the quiet desperation that Thoreau wrote of? If so, prepare yourself for a massive and tumultuous mid life crisis at 40.
I mean this with all sincerity. Do not marry at such a young age. And if you're being pressured to do so, that is even more of a reason not to.

I agree that he shouldn't do it if he's being pressured, but a blanket statement that "No one is ready for marriage at 22?" Come on now. It may not be your opinion, but I'm sure there are people out there that are ready for marriage at, I dunno, 17. They will certainly have very different lives than you, but don't condemn them for that.

No one is being "condemned". I offered an opinion and advice that was sought. And my perspective is quite a bit different since I'm quite a bit older. So, I'll say it again in a way that is more politically correct for you. To get married at the age of 22, (let alone the 17 you suggest), if foolhardy at best and a complete disaster in the making at worst. There is too much to do, and too much to see. And a comittment like marriage changes all of that.
Not to mention there is a sneaking suspicion this girl is in need a green card.

Fair enough, to each his own. I realize that you weren't condemning anyone, it was just a poor word choice. I know plenty of people that got married in their early twenties that are still together and happy and I also know people for whom it did not work out. I just don't agree with absolute statements. I do agree about the possibility of an ulterior motive though.

We seem to have made peace. I think I'm falling for you. Are you available?

Sorry, I got married at 12.

 

[ragazzo]

if you do marry her and you want to remain in the states, you better visit her family & friends in korea at least once a year or until she thinks it's too costly to continue doing it heh

 

[dirtboy]

I got married after being in a long distance relationship and my advice is not to marry her. During this time apart, even though it might not seem that way, you or she might have changed a bit. Plus, you need to live in the same town, perhaps even seperately and make sure that her morals, values, actions, choices, lifestyle, etc are compatible to yours. Not that this will ever happen to you, but divorce isn't fun and being married to the wrong person isn't fun either. I got married when I was 23 and divorced at 25, so I know exactly what it is like.