YAGT: "I need space"

[OneOfTheseDays]

I've been going out with this girl for half a year now, maybe longer. Anyways, we got very close very fast and she's told me numerous times that she can see herself being with me for a long time. I feel kinda the same way about her.

The problem is that her family is not stable at all. I mean, her family is really fscked up. Her dad is dying of cancer and recently she's had to deal with lawyers and her father's will. So this entire Christmas break she's been acting really strange, and I couldn't figure out why. It took a lot of prodding out of me, but she finally told me she was really depressed about her family, etc. She also said that she needs space to fix the problems going on in her life, and that her needing space had nothing to do with me or her wanting to be with me.

Now I will gladly give her the space she needs, that's not the problem. I asked her multiple times if she had met someone else, she said absolutely not. I asked her multiple times if she really wanted to be with me in a relationship, she said yes. Am I reading too much into this by assuming that our relationship is doomed, or should I just give her the space she wants and not worry about anything?

 

[bsobel]

Her dad is dying of cancer

Do you really need an answer to the question after posting that? You want to know whats going to happen? Sorry, you don't (and no one responding here is certainly going to). Losing a parent is tough, it changes people, people all deal with grief differently. All you can do is wait it out and see it it works out in the end.

 

[Hyperblaze]

as far as i can tell, it's not doomed, she just needs space....just be there for her whenever she needs you

 

[NakaNaka]

Give her a few days of being distant. Not being a jerk but not being at her becking call. Give her that "space." See what happens. To me, it sounds like you have a couple of problems because usually you want someone to come closer in their time of need but I think you guys are okay. Shes going through some tough stuff and she might not know how to deal. Just tell her you are always there to talk and to listen and give her a little space.

 

[IEC]

^ What they all said, sounds like reasonable advice to me.

-AF

 

[Nutdotnet]

Dude...seriously...this is not the "kiss of death" in your situation.

She's going through a tough time right now, the best thing for you to do is to do whatever she wants. If that means giving her some space then do it.

 

[OneOfTheseDays]

Originally posted by: NakaNaka
Give her a few days of being distant. Not being a jerk but not being at her becking call. Give her that "space." See what happens. To me, it sounds like you have a couple of problems because usually you want someone to come closer in their time of need but I think you guys are okay. Shes going through some tough stuff and she might not know how to deal. Just tell her you are always there to talk and to listen and give her a little space.

Yea, usually when I'm feeling sad or depressed I look to my friends to cheer me up. I've never had to deal with losing a parent, so I really don't know how I'd deal with it all.

 

[sniperruff]

Originally posted by: Sudheer Anne

Her dad is dying of cancer and recently she's had to deal with lawyers and her father's will. So this entire Christmas break she's been acting really strange, and I couldn't figure out why.

and everyone needs some space when something bad happens. stop bothering her.

 

[Hyperblaze]

Originally posted by: Sudheer Anne

Originally posted by: NakaNaka
Give her a few days of being distant. Not being a jerk but not being at her becking call. Give her that "space." See what happens. To me, it sounds like you have a couple of problems because usually you want someone to come closer in their time of need but I think you guys are okay. Shes going through some tough stuff and she might not know how to deal. Just tell her you are always there to talk and to listen and give her a little space.

Yea, usually when I'm feeling sad or depressed I look to my friends to cheer me up. I've never had to deal with losing a parent, so I really don't know how I'd deal with it all.

you have to realize that not everyone deals with things the same way....

you probably already know that

this might be her way of dealing with things...

 

[daveymark]

If my dad was dying, I'd want as much support as I could get. Especially from my SO. Either she doesn't want to be around you, or you two aren't oon the same wavelenght.

Regardless, I'd say the chances are good she's going to want more and more space. A breakup is imminent.

 

[Kadarin]

Usually, "I need some space" = "I want to check out other options", but in this case it doesn't sound like that's what is going on. If you give her the space, but let her know that you love her and that you're there for her if she needs you, you have a chance. Don't harrass her about it, either. Just accept it.

 

[Kristi2k]

You need to be there for her during this time. Losing a parent or having a parent go through something like this is very hard on people. Do not be a jerk (not saying you are), be very sensitive to her needs and let her know you will be there for her whenever she needs someone to talk to or cry on.

 

[OneOfTheseDays]

well i just talked to her, and she said it was 95% that she needed to deal with her problems and 5% of whether or not she would be able to give me what I wanted in a relationship.

 

[Hyperblaze]

Originally posted by: Sudheer Anne
well i just talked to her, and she said it was 95% that she needed to deal with her problems and 5% of whether or not she would be able to give me what I wanted in a relationship.

just tell her that you understand and give her some space.

if she needs you, be there for her. stay strong.

 

[DivideBYZero]

Stay close but give her space. I've been there, man, I can guarantee she will need that space. Be prepared for a change in her and try to accept it, especially if her Father dies. My (now ex) wife has still not got over her Fathers death 3 years later.

Tough times, m8. Just roll with it, thats all I can say.

 

[Geekbabe]

Originally posted by: Sudheer Anne
well i just talked to her, and she said it was 95% that she needed to deal with her problems and 5% of whether or not she would be able to give me what I wanted in a relationship.

Geez, you already "asked her multiple times" what her intentions are, leave her the hell alone now.

 

[OneOfTheseDays]

If she told me from the start, I just need space to figure out my family problems then I'd be fine. But she brought our relationship into question so I have a right to ask questions I think to at least figure out what's going on.

 

[dmcowen674]

Originally posted by: Sudheer Anne
well i just talked to her, and she said it was 95% that she needed to deal with her problems and 5% of whether or not she would be able to give me what I wanted in a relationship.

That means flip those numbers around.

Sorry

 

[SagaLore]

When they say "I need space", they forget to finish the sentence. It's actually "I need space, for another man".

 

[Geekbabe]

Originally posted by: Sudheer Anne
If she told me from the start, I just need space to figure out my family problems then I'd be fine. But she brought our relationship into question so I have a right to ask questions I think to at least figure out what's going on.

You asked her "multiple times" then went back to ask yet again, which is why she's brought the relationship into question. She see's that you aren't concerned with her at all.You aren't married, you don't have any sort of "rights" dude, she's going thru a horrid time and has asked you to backoff, respect that.

 

Originally posted by: Sudheer Anne
Now I will gladly give her the space she needs, that's not the problem. I asked her multiple times if she had met someone else, she said absolutely not. I asked her multiple times if she really wanted to be with me in a relationship, she said yes. Am I reading too much into this by assuming that our relationship is doomed, or should I just give her the space she wants and not worry about anything?

Dude, if you don't quit freakin' asking her the same question, your assumptions may become true soon. If you can't trust her and have to keep on asking that question, then why should she stay with you? You're being unreasonable and distrustful, in spite of the fact that you know she has family issues. You may just lose her ... to be honest, you have a patient woman there because I would have since dumped anyone who kept on asking me stuff like that.

 

[OneOfTheseDays]

The reason I have to keep asking her is because she didn't admit all of this until after repeated questions. I don't like asking these kind of questions, and to be honest, if she was honest with me from the start I wouldn't have to. I just wanted to make sure she wasn't hiding anything from me at all. Is it too much of me to ask for complete honesty?

 

[JulesMaximus]

I need space=relationship kiss of death.

 

[OneOfTheseDays]

Originally posted by: Geekbabe

Originally posted by: Sudheer Anne
If she told me from the start, I just need space to figure out my family problems then I'd be fine. But she brought our relationship into question so I have a right to ask questions I think to at least figure out what's going on.

You asked her "multiple times" then went back to ask yet again, which is why she's brought the relationship into question. She see's that you aren't concerned with her at all.You aren't married, you don't have any sort of "rights" dude, she's going thru a horrid time and has asked you to backoff, respect that.

So your saying if your boyfriend tells you he needs space to figure out somethings about your relationship, you have no right to ask why he needs space? That seems awfully unfair.

 

[DivideBYZero]

Originally posted by: Geekbabe

Originally posted by: Sudheer Anne
If she told me from the start, I just need space to figure out my family problems then I'd be fine. But she brought our relationship into question so I have a right to ask questions I think to at least figure out what's going on.

You asked her "multiple times" then went back to ask yet again, which is why she's brought the relationship into question. She see's that you aren't concerned with her at all.You aren't married, you don't have any sort of "rights" dude, she's going thru a horrid time and has asked you to backoff, respect that.

This goes for D-QT too: Don't be too harsh on the OP. You really haven't got enough info to be whaling on him for asking her whats going on. I've been there, it's hard. This sort of arrogant crap will only breed worse feelings in th OP.

Essentially, try to be constructive and consider that when two people love, two can hurt too.