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YAGT: How Important is Physical Attraction in a Long-Term Relationship?

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Originally posted by: AnitaPeterson
Dude, here's a piece of advice for you...

You'll have to spend an entire day for this, but hopefully it'll be worth it.

What degree of intimacy are you guys at? Are you comfortably being naked with each other?

Start by telling her about a "special day" you're preparing for her... make it sound like a very mysterious, yet pleasant thing. Pique her curiosity, but DON'T give her any great expectations, either. Ask her to give you a full day, and trust you completely about it.

When that day arrives, just announce "I'm going to pamper you today like you've never been pampered"

Then prepare her a nice basth, with great bubbles and all, and make ready all kind of shampoos and lotions you think would suit her. Bring over some razors for her legs as well (but don't force her to shave her legs, if it's too weird - bring the issue into discussion later on).

Wash her from head to toe, rub and massage her with all the oil and lotions you prepared. Some perfume would be good as well.

Give all this to her, afterwards.

End the day with a visit to a spa, hair dresser's or something like that. You can try to make all reservations ahead.

Repeat it to her that this is only because you are trying to make her feel as pampered as possible. Tell her it's your pleasure to make all this for her, and that the end result will be worth it for both of you.

It will cost you some $50-$100 (max), but the result will be great.

Women love to be pampered and taken care of... She should appreciate this.

If she doesn't like it/appreciate it/follow suit, dump her. Nothing personal, but she's just a dirty hippie - one of those who actually don't care about the way they look. They're few in numbers, but incurable.
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i think this is a good idea! :beer:
 
Originally posted by: joem
The problem is physically I'm not attracted enough to here - She's pretty, but she doesn't really care about her apperance (no makeup, doesn't shave her legs, 20lb overweight, and the shampoo she uses kinda stinks) - so only a 6-7 in my book. This created a problem in bed since I couldn't connect with her, even though she was attracted to me.
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LMAO! Is this for real? I suspect this is some parody because it's unbelievable. Why haven't you approached her to address this issue? How could you claim to be soul mates and spiritually connected if you cannot even be gutsy enough to openly discuss important issues?

So now I don't know wether I should break it off and possibly chance loosing out on my 'soul mate' or maybe work with her to get her to put some effort into her appearence. I'm not sure if that would help.
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I'm afraid you have deeper issues to worry about because you aren't as spiritually connected to her as you claim after all.

So my question is - Does there have to be strong physical chemistry for a relationship to work? I know if it's the other way around (strong physical, weak intellectual), it doesn't work.
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No, there doesn't have to be a strong physical chemistry. It all depends on what both parties are looking for. If you're looking for physical, then of course it matters. But if you're looking for a balance of all, then a strong physical chemistry is not essential. However, I think you are asking the wrong question.

Does anyone have experience in this? I'm sure it comes up all the time in arranged marriges, etc.

Thanks
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Listen, it's important that you address this issue now. The things you described are habits. Although habits take time to alter, they can be done. However, you have to be committed to working it out with your SO. If you fail to let her know now and see if she changes, you'll be in for surprises. For when even couples with reasonable etiquettes and hygiene have other issues in their relationships, they quickly notice each others' imperfections. Habits that they overlooked before suddenly become irritating, and their SOs become overbearing. It isn't that the habits never existed, but they suddenly got noticed. We pick on easier targets when we have big issues. So I suggest you address this now. Be upfront about it, but at the same time mindful. Also, if she doesn't change or make any efforts to change in a reasonable period, then I suggest you end the relationship. Just my input....
 
Originally posted by: joem
She has a good looking face and a great smile, so if she lost weight and put makeup on she would be an 8. She has potential...she's just not into the whole make yourself pretty thing.
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Now, now, I take issue with your demand here. Whether or not to wear makeup should be her decision, not yours. If you aren't attracted to her because she chooses to stay natural, too bad, so sad... You may as well call it off if you can't accept her choice.

Perhaps you could persuade her to wear makeup just for you on special occasions, but don't think it's okay to count it against her that she chooses to stay natural. Don't confuse bad hygiene with personal preferences such as makeup. Discuss it with her in the first place. For all you know, she may be happy to please you and indulge in it.
 
I once told a person, "If its my looks that makes you not want to go out with me, that can change. If its my personality then just forget it, im not changing that" Looks can easily change bro, an awesome personality in a person is something to hold on to. What will looks do when your old and wrinkly? 🙂
 
Bad smelling shampoo? Sounds like dandruff shampoo to me! Consider changing her shampoo from what ever it is to garnier dandruff control or neutrogena T/Gel. (T/Gel works better imo), though if she uses t/gel, make sure she doesn't have any pets around while her hair is wet because they like to nibble on the hair when treated with that stuff (unless she doesn't mind). Or could be just some really crappy shampoo, either way thats the first thing you should change. If she doesn't shave her legs then it shows she is just being lazy and probably doesn't shower often (that could be the case instead of ther shampoo!).

Should be like this:
1.smell
2.hairy legs
3.wieght
4.makeup.

3+4 IMO don't matter too much if she isn't really that fat and simply "chubby". More coushin for the pushin! 😉 And makeup shouldn't matter that much compared to 1+2 because some people look fine with out it, though if you really think she requires it then you've got bigger issues to deal with.

Good luck!
 
I hate to say it because it sounds shallow, but physical attraction is definitely a factor. Although if you connect on a much deeper level later on, things like hairy legs might not even matter much. My girlfriend (who I've been with for 2 years) sometimes shaves only her pits, and other times will shave EVERYTHING. Either way, I'm attracted to her, although I gotta say, even more so recently when she started shaving absolutely everything!

My girlfriend's a fox though, and it's likely that we woulda stood a greater chance breaking up in one of our fights if she wasn't.
 
first off, why do you care about what other people think about how someone you dates, looks? it comes down to what you think. youre the one who is dating her, not your friends. a lot of my friends so's are not attractive in my book. but to each his own.

the shampoo is an easy enough fix. buy some stuff from bed bath and beyond or some other chick store, and give it to her as a gift.

losing weight, well, touchy subject. start doing athletic things with her. go for walks, join a volleyball league, anything to get her off the couch and dropping pounds.

the reason she may be letting herself go, (ie the weight, not shaving, the shampoo), is she may not feel like she is attractive and as a result, she just doesnt care. work with her, make her feel pretty, and the rest may fall into place.

and i have found myself attracted to no so attractive females in my day, simply based on their intelligence level. yes, the hot ones are great for 45 seconds of fun, but after you just want them to leave. nothing sucks more than sitting through a 2 hour boring supper with no conversation, just for the "brief" encounter at the end of the evening.
 
Keep her if you connect well that way, but physical attraction is a big part, as previous posts have said. Just basic things like bad smelling shampoo and hair should be something that any girl can take care of. Tell her something like she looks great but she'd look even better if she shaved, and for the shampoo, well just tell her plainly that you don't think it smells very good. Maybe buy her some good shampoo as a little gift. Stocking stuffer?
 
Originally posted by: joem
She has a good looking face and a great smile, so if she lost weight and put makeup on she would be an 8. She has potential...she's just not into the whole make yourself pretty thing.
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Oy.

Does nobody see the obviously solution, here?

Step 1: Make yourself look better. Lose weight, work out, buy nicer clothes, were 'sexy' cologne, etc.
Step 2: Comment that you made yourself look better for her
Step 3: Give her some appearance-related gifts.
Step 4: Mention you want to pursue a more serious relationship, but comment on the other issues in question (as in, "I want to pursue a more serious relationship, but I need to know before investing time and heart that you care about yourself as much as I do you")

There is nothing wrong with making a suggestion to her to change something about her appearance PROVIDED YOU DO IT FIRST.

To answer your first question:
So my question is - Does there have to be strong physical chemistry for a relationship to work? I know if it's the other way around (strong physical, weak intellectual), it doesn't work.
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YES.

Doesn't have to be balls-to-the-wall passion where you lust after her every minute. In fact, that's quite destructive to the relationship. But, you can't really have serious reservations about her appearance, either.

Do as I suggested.

Improve your own appearance. Suggest a more serious relationship would be a good thing for you. Provided she makes some changes no greater than ones you made in demonstration.
 
"i'm going to go for a jog. would you like to join me?"

"let's play tennis tomorrow. it'll be fun!"

"let's hop on a paddle boat and make some waves"

get the hint?
 
Originally posted by: ragazzo
"i'm going to go for a jog. would you like to join me?"

"let's play tennis tomorrow. it'll be fun!"

"let's hop on a paddle boat and make some waves"

get the hint?
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Actually, those are pretty solid suggestions to handle the weight thing. Biking is also good, and skiing, too, presuming you have the means in the area - a mountain for downhill, any kind of snow really for cross-country (which burns more fat, anyway).

The point is reiterated, though.

Making a suggestion for her to change something without you ALSO changing something will just blow up in your face. Either you change FIRST, or change WITH her (as in, starting exercising together).
 
Originally posted by: joem
I recently met a girl (no pics 🙁 sorry) who has all the intellectual and spiritual qualities I've been looking for all along (but never found before). We really connect on that level, we have a lot of things in common, and it was very exciting to finally meet someone that has long-term potential. We also have no problems with touching and kissing. Although I was worried that there was no "rush" from our first kiss.

The problem is physically I'm not attracted enough to here - She's pretty, but she doesn't really care about her apperance (no makeup, doesn't shave her legs, 20lb overweight, and the shampoo she uses kinda stinks) - so only a 6-7 in my book. This created a problem in bed since I couldn't connect with her, even though she was attracted to me.

So now I don't know wether I should break it off and possibly chance loosing out on my "soul mate" or maybe work with her to get her to put some effort into her appearence. I'm not sure if that would help.

So my question is - Does there have to be strong physical chemistry for a relationship to work? I know if it's the other way around (strong physical, weak intellectual), it doesn't work.

Does anyone have experience in this? I'm sure it comes up all the time in arranged marriges, etc.

Thanks
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Well in my relationship I really do yearn for what you have. I would say at least try, people do change over time and this is a subject to be talked about in bits and pieces every now and then. if she asks you how she looks in this say she looks good and state that you think doing this (insert subtle appearance suggestion here) might help make it all work together better. Make sure you practice the sandwich method with this. Sandwich subtle criticism between two gushing compliments.
 
I'd say yes, there has to be physical attraction...at least on some level, for a relationship to work.

For me, if a girl is smart and can make me laugh, she wins my heart. Well, there are more things to that obviously, but what I'm trying to say is that you should put more value on her personality. Before you dump her or what-not, ask her if she's interested in dropping the weight. Like others suggested, do lots of physical activities. Walk, if you can, to your destinations instead of driving. Go for romantic evening walks in the park. Help her manage her portions when eating <<< this is the key to losing weight!

Good luck man, I wish you the best! I found my girl recently whom I think I will propose to very soon. Love is too important in life to base on looks. If you think you two have a future and can share your lives together in a peaceful, loving relationship, keep her!
 
Forget what we say, does it bother YOU? That's the whole thing in a relationship, if something about the other person really bothers you, and it's not very likely they'll change (trying some of the stuff suggested here isn't a bad idea), then the relationship won't work out long term. I know, we've all heard "she's perfect...except" and believe me, that "except" causes problems down the road.

Nobody's going to be perfect, but they need to be perfect enough or things just won't work out. You can make yourself love someone. Sorry.
 
Originally posted by: joem
So my question is - Does there have to be strong physical chemistry for a relationship to work? I know if it's the other way around (strong physical, weak intellectual), it doesn't work.
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There needs to be physical attraction, IMO. You should try and convert this budding relationship into a really great friendship. But not a romantic relationship.
 
Originally posted by: toekramp
i don't think i'd be able to deal with unshaved legs
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Could it possibly be that she doesn't shave her legs because she has no reason to? If she has nobody to show them off to/touch and she wears jeans all the time what real reason is there for her (other than she just might find it irritating). Anyhow, chances are if you are dating her that she would shave more b/c she would have someone to touch/look at them. Just a thought on that bit. You'd have to consult some of the women here for a better thought on that subject.
 
Thanks for the feedback.

I think part of it is that she's really smart and spiritual, and not into appearences that much. She also not the kind of girl that goes from guy to guy, she lives on an Island in nature with a bunch of old ex-hippies so I think she never really had to do the whole take care of your apperance thing for a while.

I've decided to continue it and make slight hints, and be honest with her but not outright rude. If she gets the hints and makes some changes, I think it will be a very good long lasting relationship. Also - I'm much more interested in personality, I just think that the physical part should work as well.

I'll keep u guys updated. This community rocks.

Thanks!

 
Originally posted by: SZLiao214
I once told a person, "If its my looks that makes you not want to go out with me, that can change. If its my personality then just forget it, im not changing that" Looks can easily change bro, an awesome personality in a person is something to hold on to. What will looks do when your old and wrinkly? 🙂
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i tend think the exact opposite. You are stuck with your face for the rest of your life (cept plastic surgery of course) but one can work on their personality, brains, etc.
 
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