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YAGT: How Important is Physical Attraction in a Long-Term Relationship?

J

joem

Junior Member
I recently met a girl (no pics 🙁 sorry) who has all the intellectual and spiritual qualities I've been looking for all along (but never found before). We really connect on that level, we have a lot of things in common, and it was very exciting to finally meet someone that has long-term potential. We also have no problems with touching and kissing. Although I was worried that there was no "rush" from our first kiss.

The problem is physically I'm not attracted enough to here - She's pretty, but she doesn't really care about her apperance (no makeup, doesn't shave her legs, 20lb overweight, and the shampoo she uses kinda stinks) - so only a 6-7 in my book. This created a problem in bed since I couldn't connect with her, even though she was attracted to me.

So now I don't know wether I should break it off and possibly chance loosing out on my "soul mate" or maybe work with her to get her to put some effort into her appearence. I'm not sure if that would help.

So my question is - Does there have to be strong physical chemistry for a relationship to work? I know if it's the other way around (strong physical, weak intellectual), it doesn't work.

Does anyone have experience in this? I'm sure it comes up all the time in arranged marriges, etc.

Thanks
 
She has a good looking face and a great smile, so if she lost weight and put makeup on she would be an 8. She has potential...she's just not into the whole make yourself pretty thing.
 
Now that you've changed your title:

I feel that looks are indeed the first thing I look at, and perhaps many on here will atest to that if they are willing to be honest. Unlike others perhaps, I only use looks as a primary "weeding-out" mechanism. I find myself to be an excellent judge of character, so that is what I use next.

Truthfully, and thinking in terms of finding someone effectively, looks do matter. As the relationship develops, its importance dimishes drastically .
 
Originally posted by: joem
She has a good looking face and a great smile, so if she lost weight and put makeup on she would be an 8. She has potential...she's just not into the whole make yourself pretty thing.
Click to expand...

Is she smart?

#1 turn on for me. If they are 8's or above and smart, I equate that with Platium in a sea of Tin.
 
Originally posted by: notfred
She's pretty, but she's fat, smelly, and doesn't take care of herself?

I'd hate to see your definition of ugly.
Click to expand...
AHAHAHA. Beat me to it. 😀
 
Originally posted by: Goosemaster
Originally posted by: joem
She has a good looking face and a great smile, so if she lost weight and put makeup on she would be an 8. She has potential...she's just not into the whole make yourself pretty thing.
Click to expand...

Is she smart?

#1 turn on for me. If they are 8's or above and smart, I equate that with Platium in a sea of Tin.
Click to expand...


Yes, extremely. That's why I was so attracted to her on that level. I have a hard time being interested in pretty but shallow women since I need someone at the same intellectual level.

Also - I'm at that point in my life that I'm past just "getting laid" - I'm looking for a partner. I've dated but I'm very picky, so it's breaking my heart that this girl is 90% there but not all the way. Is it worth pursuing or is it a lost cause?

Does there have to be chemistry on the first kiss?
 
yea, I would think about dropping her. Broaching the subject of her weight / looks / makeup / etc will only get you castrated and will produce no positive results.
 
Personally, I think there must be some attraction there. Doesnt have to be fireworks type thing where looks are concerned, but I cant see getting in to bed with someone and thinking... 'well, at least he is a nice guy'.

You can coach her to make changes in her appearance... it all depends on how you go about it...

If you tell her... you are a fat, hairy girl with bad smelling shampoo... chances are you will not see her again after she decks you. But if you go about it the right way, it will be ok....

I dont know how old you, so cannot suggest that you move stuff, like shampoo over her place or stuff like that... but if you get a chance to shower over her place... empty the shampoo down the drain then tell her that you spilled it and go to the store for what you like.... then you can tell her how great her hair smells...

Make shaving her legs a sexual experience.... intimacy and all that.....and put makeup on for her, as a game.

And when you are out... point to an outfit, and tell her that she is really pretty and would look great in it....

Finally, if you think she is overweight, invite her to activities that will burn calories. You dont have to tell her that it is because she needs to lose weight... but as a date type thing... so roller skating or swimming or whatever....

If you think there is something there worth the effort, make that effort and see where it goes.

🙂
 
Originally posted by: joem
Originally posted by: Goosemaster
Originally posted by: joem
She has a good looking face and a great smile, so if she lost weight and put makeup on she would be an 8. She has potential...she's just not into the whole make yourself pretty thing.
Click to expand...

Is she smart?

#1 turn on for me. If they are 8's or above and smart, I equate that with Platium in a sea of Tin.
Click to expand...


Yes, extremely. That's why I was so attracted to her on that level. I have a hard time being interested in pretty but shallow women since I need someone at the same intellectual level.

Also - I'm at that point in my life that I'm past just "getting laid" - I'm looking for a partner. I've dated but I'm very picky, so it's breaking my heart that this girl is 90% there but not all the way. Is it worth pursuing or is it a lost cause?

Does there have to be chemistry on the first kiss?
Click to expand...

Depends. Do you need the chemistry? You seem to be fixated on some mystical remedy known as "chemistry," and yet have expressed doubt about relying on it numerous times.

 
Originally posted by: KarenMarie
Personally, I think there must be some attraction there. Doesnt have to be fireworks type thing where looks are concerned, but I cant see getting in to bed with someone and thinking... 'well, at least he is a nice guy'.

You can coach her to make changes in her appearance... it all depends on how you go about it...

If you tell her... you are a fat, hairy girl with bad smelling shampoo... chances are you will not see her again after she decks you. But if you go about it the right way, it will be ok....

I dont know how old you, so cannot suggest that you move stuff, like shampoo over her place or stuff like that... but if you get a chance to shower over her place... empty the shampoo down the drain then tell her that you spilled it and go to the store for what you like.... then you can tell her how great her hair smells...

Make shaving her legs a sexual experience.... intimacy and all that.....and put makeup on for her, as a game.

And when you are out... point to an outfit, and tell her that she is really pretty and would look great in it....

Finally, if you think she is overweight, invite her to activities that will burn calories. You dont have to tell her that it is because she needs to lose weight... but as a date type thing... so roller skating or swimming or whatever....

If you think there is something there worth the effort, make that effort and see where it goes.

🙂
Click to expand...

Thats asking a lot. Let's not be nieve here. There is such a thing a "wardrobe modifications," but if your into makeovers, be prepared for the fallout when she gets sick of no being herself.


 
Originally posted by: Goosemaster
Originally posted by: KarenMarie
Personally, I think there must be some attraction there. Doesnt have to be fireworks type thing where looks are concerned, but I cant see getting in to bed with someone and thinking... 'well, at least he is a nice guy'.

You can coach her to make changes in her appearance... it all depends on how you go about it...

If you tell her... you are a fat, hairy girl with bad smelling shampoo... chances are you will not see her again after she decks you. But if you go about it the right way, it will be ok....

I dont know how old you, so cannot suggest that you move stuff, like shampoo over her place or stuff like that... but if you get a chance to shower over her place... empty the shampoo down the drain then tell her that you spilled it and go to the store for what you like.... then you can tell her how great her hair smells...

Make shaving her legs a sexual experience.... intimacy and all that.....and put makeup on for her, as a game.

And when you are out... point to an outfit, and tell her that she is really pretty and would look great in it....

Finally, if you think she is overweight, invite her to activities that will burn calories. You dont have to tell her that it is because she needs to lose weight... but as a date type thing... so roller skating or swimming or whatever....

If you think there is something there worth the effort, make that effort and see where it goes.

🙂
Click to expand...

Thats asking a lot. Let's not be nieve here. There is such a thing a "wardrobe modifications," but if your into makeovers, be prepared for the fallout when she gets sick of no being herself.
Click to expand...

With careful suggestions and persuading and constant reassurance thru compliments and encouragement... hopefully the young lady will WANT to improve herself. That is why I suggest he make an effort and see where it leads... if she has no intention or interested in looking her best, then the OP will never get past that fact and at least he will not be wondering or playing the 'what if' thing in his mind.

🙂

 
Originally posted by: KarenMarie
Originally posted by: Goosemaster
Originally posted by: KarenMarie
Personally, I think there must be some attraction there. Doesnt have to be fireworks type thing where looks are concerned, but I cant see getting in to bed with someone and thinking... 'well, at least he is a nice guy'.

You can coach her to make changes in her appearance... it all depends on how you go about it...

If you tell her... you are a fat, hairy girl with bad smelling shampoo... chances are you will not see her again after she decks you. But if you go about it the right way, it will be ok....

I dont know how old you, so cannot suggest that you move stuff, like shampoo over her place or stuff like that... but if you get a chance to shower over her place... empty the shampoo down the drain then tell her that you spilled it and go to the store for what you like.... then you can tell her how great her hair smells...

Make shaving her legs a sexual experience.... intimacy and all that.....and put makeup on for her, as a game.

And when you are out... point to an outfit, and tell her that she is really pretty and would look great in it....

Finally, if you think she is overweight, invite her to activities that will burn calories. You dont have to tell her that it is because she needs to lose weight... but as a date type thing... so roller skating or swimming or whatever....

If you think there is something there worth the effort, make that effort and see where it goes.

🙂
Click to expand...

Thats asking a lot. Let's not be nieve here. There is such a thing a "wardrobe modifications," but if your into makeovers, be prepared for the fallout when she gets sick of no being herself.
Click to expand...

With careful suggestions and persuading and constant reassurance thru compliments and encouragement... hopefully the young lady will WANT to improve herself. That is why I suggest he make an effort and see where it leads... if she has no intention or interested in looking her best, then the OP will never get past that fact and at least he will not be wondering or playing the 'what if' thing in his mind.

🙂
Click to expand...

Aye, but the value of differentiating between "making sure" and "wasting a whole weekend" should be taken seriously.

EDIT: 😉
 
if you are not physically attracted to her, then you don't really like her that much. if you really really like someone... then looks are not as significant.
 
personality > looks

IMO, a 6-7 with a great personality is more desireable than a perfect 10 with a mediocre personality.
 
Dude, here's a piece of advice for you...

You'll have to spend an entire day for this, but hopefully it'll be worth it.

What degree of intimacy are you guys at? Are you comfortably being naked with each other?

Start by telling her about a "special day" you're preparing for her... make it sound like a very mysterious, yet pleasant thing. Pique her curiosity, but DON'T give her any great expectations, either. Ask her to give you a full day, and trust you completely about it.

When that day arrives, just announce "I'm going to pamper you today like you've never been pampered"

Then prepare her a nice basth, with great bubbles and all, and make ready all kind of shampoos and lotions you think would suit her. Bring over some razors for her legs as well (but don't force her to shave her legs, if it's too weird - bring the issue into discussion later on).

Wash her from head to toe, rub and massage her with all the oil and lotions you prepared. Some perfume would be good as well.

Give all this to her, afterwards.

End the day with a visit to a spa, hair dresser's or something like that. You can try to make all reservations ahead.

Repeat it to her that this is only because you are trying to make her feel as pampered as possible. Tell her it's your pleasure to make all this for her, and that the end result will be worth it for both of you.

It will cost you some $50-$100 (max), but the result will be great.

Women love to be pampered and taken care of... She should appreciate this.

If she doesn't like it/appreciate it/follow suit, dump her. Nothing personal, but she's just a dirty hippie - one of those who actually don't care about the way they look. They're few in numbers, but incurable.
 
Originally posted by: joem
The problem is physically I'm not attracted enough to here - She's pretty, but she doesn't really care about her apperance (no makeup, doesn't shave her legs, 20lb overweight, and the shampoo she uses kinda stinks) - so only a 6-7 in my book. This created a problem in bed since I couldn't connect with her, even though she was attracted to me.
Click to expand...

Hairy, fat, and smelly nets her a 7? Jesus Christ! :Q
 
Honestly, physical attraction is important in most relatioships, especially on the male's side. I've been very compatible with many people on a personal level, but part of a romantic relationship involves physicality, and there's really no way around it.

However, the physical side of things is more/less important depending on the person; some can get by if they simply see their partner as "tolerable," while others need to be completely smitten from the first moment they see him/her.

The way things sound, it just seems as though you shouldn't get involved with this girl. If you're already unattracted to her physically, it'll only turn into a bigger problem as the relationship progresses; it's just that it'll come out in different ways. But as I've always said, all relationship advice is overrated, so you're best off making your own decision.
 
Originally posted by: sniperruff
if you are not physically attracted to her, then you don't really like her that much. if you really really like someone... then looks are not as significant.
Click to expand...

shallow hal wants a gal, shallow hal wants a gal 😛
 
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