YAGT (cont'd): the full story -- very long

[Jzero]

1. is there any point in pursuing a relationship further? I know I should just let it go but I'm 17 and this is the first time I've ever cared about someone this much (I know you?ll still say I?m too young but whatever).
2. regardless of your answer to question 1, what suggestions do you have for me if I were to pursue a relationship further? I know I've made myself look desperate and lacking in confidence. I want to change this. I know that actively pursuing a relationship will push her away but it seems like there has to at least be something I can try.
3. regardless of your answer to question 1, what suggestions do you have for me if I were to try to forget about her and move on? I don?t want to lose her as a friend. and masturbating or getting laid isn?t going to solve my problem.
4. what can I do about this deadness that I feel? the empty conversations that we've been having aren't helping.
5. what can I do about feeling uncomfortable on the phone / in real life?
6. flame on.

Required reading: Classical Ladder Theory
A work of satire, but frighteningly true.

Now on to your questions.
1. NO. You are on the FRIEND'S ladder. You tried to jump, you fell into the void. Oh, and you ARE too young to have a clue about love.

2. Give up. You are on the wrong ladder. This is a pipe dream and a waste of your time.

3. She's 1500 miles away and you met her once. She's not a friend, she's a penpal. Stop writing to her, step away from the PC and forget it.

4. Stop having the empty conversations and get away from the PC.

5. Join Toastmasters. Talk to people more. The more you do it, the more comfortable you get. Toastmasters will give you opportunities to talk and also give you good techniques in making yourself more comfy and confident.

6. :evil:

 

[gigapet]

Originally posted by: Deslocke
gigapet: how is getting the crap beat out of me going to help? I do workout, I volunteer at the library (I've worked the past three summers but haven't been able to get a job) .. I'm going on vacation this week and school is going to be starting up soon enough. *kills self twice*

I just feel that getting the crap beat out of you is a good life exerience. it puts things in perspective and gives you a better understanding of what you are capable of and what you are not capable of. It is also a good way to tell if you are a pu$$y which maybe a reason for this girl not wanting you. Also after getting your ass beat a few times you will know how to defend yourself(hopefully) and this will translate into more confidence which will help the social anxiety. You need to goto a titty bar too. Oh and get some road head. Otherwise dont worry about the social anxiety thing, I was the same way and still am sometimes but college changes you so make sure you live away from home in college and dont forget your fake id. And this is only one girl. You will realize eventually they are a dime a dozen.

 

[bunker]

I read the whole thing and am surprised there wasn't a mention of a restrainig order in it.

 

[bunker]

Originally posted by: gigapet

Originally posted by: Deslocke
gigapet: how is getting the crap beat out of me going to help? I do workout, I volunteer at the library (I've worked the past three summers but haven't been able to get a job) .. I'm going on vacation this week and school is going to be starting up soon enough. *kills self twice*

I just feel that getting the crap beat out of you is a good life exerience. it puts things in perspective and gives you a better understanding of what you are capable of and what you are not capable of. It is also a good way to tell if you are a pu$$y which maybe a reason for this girl not wanting you. Also after getting your ass beat a few times you will know how to defend yourself(hopefully) and this will translate into more confidence which will help the social anxiety. You need to goto a titty bar too. Oh and get some road head. Otherwise dont worry about the social anxiety thing, I was the same way and still am sometimes but college changes you so make sure you live away from home in college and dont forget your fake id. And this is only one girl. You will realize eventually they are a dime a dozen.

You were severely beaten as a child weren't you?

 

[thirtythree]

dguan97: trying...

lutefisks: no and no.

jzero: I started reading that when it was posted before and lost interest. and do you truly believe that someone you talk to online can't be your friend? what about a person can't be conveyed in words?

gigapet: okay.

bunker: you didn't have to read the whole thing just to make a smartass comment.

 

[bunker]

Originally posted by: Deslocke


bunker: you didn't have to read the whole thing just to make a smartass comment.

Actually I did. I wouldn't have known which smartass comment to make w/out reading it .

Seriously, like you already know, you're 17, move on.

 

[dabuddha]

Originally posted by: bunker

Originally posted by: gigapet

Originally posted by: Deslocke
gigapet: how is getting the crap beat out of me going to help? I do workout, I volunteer at the library (I've worked the past three summers but haven't been able to get a job) .. I'm going on vacation this week and school is going to be starting up soon enough. *kills self twice*

I just feel that getting the crap beat out of you is a good life exerience. it puts things in perspective and gives you a better understanding of what you are capable of and what you are not capable of. It is also a good way to tell if you are a pu$$y which maybe a reason for this girl not wanting you. Also after getting your ass beat a few times you will know how to defend yourself(hopefully) and this will translate into more confidence which will help the social anxiety. You need to goto a titty bar too. Oh and get some road head. Otherwise dont worry about the social anxiety thing, I was the same way and still am sometimes but college changes you so make sure you live away from home in college and dont forget your fake id. And this is only one girl. You will realize eventually they are a dime a dozen.

You were severely beaten as a child weren't you?

lol or dropped as a baby. gigapet's advice is a tad bit off topic and definitely not what you need. You've already been told what would be the best thing to do. That would be to move on. She doesn't feel the same way you do and probably never will. She's probably freaked out by the 17 page letter as well. She's just afraid to tell you because she's afraid to hurt you.

 

[dabuddha]

Originally posted by: Deslocke
dguan97: trying...

lutefisks: no and no.

jzero: I started reading that when it was posted before and lost interest. and do you truly believe that someone you talk to online can't be your friend? what about a person can't be conveyed in words?

gigapet: okay.

bunker: you didn't have to read the whole thing just to make a smartass comment.

bunker was referring to gigapet

 

[gigapet]

Originally posted by: dabuddha

Originally posted by: bunker

Originally posted by: gigapet

Originally posted by: Deslocke
gigapet: how is getting the crap beat out of me going to help? I do workout, I volunteer at the library (I've worked the past three summers but haven't been able to get a job) .. I'm going on vacation this week and school is going to be starting up soon enough. *kills self twice*

I just feel that getting the crap beat out of you is a good life exerience. it puts things in perspective and gives you a better understanding of what you are capable of and what you are not capable of. It is also a good way to tell if you are a pu$$y which maybe a reason for this girl not wanting you. Also after getting your ass beat a few times you will know how to defend yourself(hopefully) and this will translate into more confidence which will help the social anxiety. You need to goto a titty bar too. Oh and get some road head. Otherwise dont worry about the social anxiety thing, I was the same way and still am sometimes but college changes you so make sure you live away from home in college and dont forget your fake id. And this is only one girl. You will realize eventually they are a dime a dozen.

You were severely beaten as a child weren't you?

lol or dropped as a baby. gigapet's advice is a tad bit off topic and definitely not what you need. You've already been told what would be the best thing to do. That would be to move on. She doesn't feel the same way you do and probably never will. She's probably freaked out by the 17 page letter as well. She's just afraid to tell you because she's afraid to hurt you.

i forgot to take my meds today

 

[Jzero]

jzero: I started reading that when it was posted before and lost interest.

That's your problem. We can lead you to water, but we can't force you to drink

and do you truly believe that someone you talk to online can't be your friend? what about a person can't be conveyed in words?

You got it. I've had countless on-line "friends" that I've gained and lost over the years. There were people that I had "real-time" conversations with by e-mailing back and forth because we didn't have access to IRC or a BBS. I didn't even notice when they were gone. They aren't actual friends. Pen Pals. If you had met her more than once and actually had some sort of repoire, it would be different. You are nothing more than acquaintances. She is a single bead on a long string.

 

[fyleow]

Hey Deslocke I know how it feels, I was just in something similar.

I met a girl in my class and somehow we ended up exchanging email addresses and AIM screen names. We started chatting a lot online and sending emails to each other every other day (typed 3-4 pages non double spaced), it was basically hour long conversations for us since we hate using the phone. After about a year I started to like her a lot and I told her, she actually said she felt the same and I was so happy when I found out.

A few days later she said she wasn't ready to begin a relationship, she valued our friendship too much and didn't want to "lose me".

Later on I asked her what happened and she said: "When you were in reeling distance I thought about it and figured out it would never work"

It's been 7 months now and I've finally moved on. She has a new boyfriend now, a typical jerk kind of guy that pisses her off a lot and still doesn't show up at some of thier dates leaving her stuck alone. It happened on her birthday too.

My advice to you is just move on, there is no point in trying to keep the friendship. The issue will linger over your head the entire time and it will not feel the same anymore. Trust me on this, you have already started feeling the effects when you said the conversations "lost something". It won't be the same until you get over her and find another girl.

Your mistake, like mine, was to use email as a big way of communicating. The problem with emails is that sometimes it's just raw emotion and you don't really think about what you're going to say. If the person is not right in front of you and you don't have to say the words out loud it's much easier. All you have to do is type it out. I've said MANY stupid things that way, and there are a lot of times where I regret sending some emails that I did to her.

Online is not real life, body language is one of the primary means that we communicate. It's lacking in emails. Just try to move on, that's the best way. At least you don't have to see her at school everyday.

 

[bunker]

Originally posted by: dabuddha

Originally posted by: Deslocke
dguan97: trying...

lutefisks: no and no.

jzero: I started reading that when it was posted before and lost interest. and do you truly believe that someone you talk to online can't be your friend? what about a person can't be conveyed in words?

gigapet: okay.

bunker: you didn't have to read the whole thing just to make a smartass comment.

bunker was referring to gigapet

*Thread Hijack*
I think he was referring to my first smartass comment about the restraining order, not the smartass comment about gigapet being beaten .

 

[neutralizer]

There's never going to be a relationship between you and her because she doesn't see you in that light unless you can somehow change that, it won't work.

 

[Nitemare]

Find someone else. You have fallen in the Friend Zone. It's not worth pursueing for someone who lives 1500 miles away and does not see you as any more than a friend


And what's wrong with you ATOT, no one has asked for pics yet?

1. No. You are 17 and too young to know what love really feels like. I thought and even knew I was in love when I was your age. I discovered later that it was hormonal.

2. Take it slow and easy Maybe even mention a female friend to see if you can detect a smidge of jeolousy.

3. Find yourself a hobby and bury yourself in it until you have forgotten how much you care for this person.

4. Nothing you can do. You think you love her and she thinks she does not love you. There is no common ground. Give yourself some time off from her. Tell her you are going soul searching or something and need time to yourself to determine what is really important in life.

5. I second the Toastmaster club. Also, expand your group of friends. Feel comfortable talking in front of them. Learn about different things that might come up in conversations; I would recommend Sports, politics, and music

6. Trying

 

[thirtythree]

jzero: I'll read it if it'll make you happy.

fyelow: I don't really know that our conversations lost something. I think it passed like I said it might. she's initiated the conversation the past two times and we talked for three hours straight which we haven't done in a while. and I know .. I'm still wasting my time. hah. and I know what you mean about regretting sending e-mails.

 

[hopeless879]

OK man, I pretty much know where you're coming from. First of all if you want to remain friends with her in the future, cut off all contact with her for awhile, until you can think about her and not feel depressed. Keep yourself busy with anything, it will keep your mind off of her. If you want to have a romantic relationship later on sometime, however unlikely it is, I suggest you cut off all contact with her for awhile, then try to start up fresh with her. Believe me, the more you talk to her and the more she knows you want her, the harder it will end up being on both of you.

And you don't really know her, no matter how long you've talked to somebody online or on the phone you don't actually know them well until you've spent quality time with them in person. People can be and and do act completely different in real life than they do online.

Best advice I can give you, just let things cool off for a month or two, don't talk to her, dont email her. I'm sure you're going to be thinking about her everyday for awhile, eventually you will think about her less and less and then one day not at all. You will look back on this and ask yourself wtf was I thinking. So just back off and forget about her (for awhile).

 

[CrazyDe1]

First, is she clean? Is she brown? If she's polite invite her in for cocktails...

Anyways, the way I see it you're a nice guy and you have the same problem a lot of nice guys have. You're too anxious and it makes you look obssessive and desperate. My roommate has this problem. The reason why I say this is first, after meeting her online you're emailing her everyday on top of your conversation. She tells you she respects the fact that all you want is a friendship then you bring up something more even and you fall for her even though she's said this. So, she's made it clear to you you're just a friend and you're still desperately trying to get her. You write 17 pages about her and she doens't think of you as more than a friend and is probably hoping you're not falling for her. To top it off, you send it to her after she says she thinks you're a bit too obssessive. A bit is a understatement...you're very very obssessive. I'm not trying to be mean or flame you, but that's exactly how it appears from my perspective. Now, I quoted swingers at the beginning of this reply, well if you want to see kind of what you're doing there's one part hwere he keeps calling a girl and leaving 100 messages on her answering machine and it hurts to watch. This is kind of like that.

The girl sounds like she's a really nice girl and trying not to hurt you, but I imagine something like this going on with her friends: so there's this weird dude online who thinks he's in love with me and he keeps emailing me and now he wants to come see me. There's a reason why you never got to be alone with her because she probably thinks you're a little weird and obssessed w/ her if you randomly couldnt' take not seeing her and you drove 1500 miles.

By the way, she's cutting off contact and issuing the ultimatum because it's become unhealthy on your end and weird for her. Let her go, if it's meant to be she'll come back to you...don't do anything to make yourself look more desperate.

 

[Jzero]

Originally posted by: Deslocke
jzero: I'll read it if it'll make you happy.

It's funny and has a large dose of truth about the difference between men and women when it comes to their views of the opposite sex.

Enjoy.

 

[KK]

Just shoot yourself. It's quick and painless if you do it right.

KK

(Legal Disclaimer: I'm joking.)

 

[Lutefisks]

give up and go somewhere else.

 

[Red Dawn]

Ah the internet, enabling 17 year old wankers to stalk girls 1500 miles away!

 

[thirtythree]

hopeless879: I'm going on vacation this week and may not talk to her for 6 days .. is that enough?

crazyde1: yeah, I've admitted that I'm obsessive and I'm not sure why I sent what I wrote to her. I did ask her if she wanted me to come down before I decided to and she seemed really excited about it. that was before she knew that I liked her as more than a friend though. and she hasn't cut off contact. I'm not sure where you got that idea.

kk: sheesh. I've already killed myself twice in this thread. third times a charm I guess. *bang*

heh. hello again, red dawn.

 

[Red Dawn]

Originally posted by: Deslocke
hopeless879: I'm going on vacation this week and may not talk to her for 6 days .. is that enough?

crazyde1: yeah, I've admitted that I'm obsessive and I'm not sure why I sent what I wrote to her. I did ask her if she wanted me to come down before I decided to and she seemed really excited about it. that was before she knew that I liked her as more than a friend though. and she hasn't cut off contact. I'm not sure where you got that idea.

kk: sheesh. I've already killed myself twice in this thread. third times a charm I guess. *bang*

heh. hello again, red dawn.

Hey Deslocke. All kidding side, time heals all wounds. Trust me , I've been divorced and it just took time to completley forget that Ball Crushing Diesal Bitch of an ex.. At least I have no more anger towards her.. LOL

 

[CrazyDe1]

Well..to me it seems like she's come to the point where she realizes it can't just be friends and she realized this before you came out that you're attached and so she's going to have to tell you off or cut you off. It's like, in her mind she was seeing if she could just keep the friendship with you, but now she realizes she can't even do that and she has to tell you straight up that she isn't ever going to be with you and it might end your friendship in the process...

 

[thirtythree]

red dawn: oooh a serious response. thanks.

crazyde1: I don't think it's reached that point. she still wants to be friends as far as I can tell. as I said in another response, we talked for over three hours last night (she started the conversation) and she initiated another conversation this morning. I don't know. but hey, I'm still young. this is the best time to make mistakes, right? I just happened to make an exceptionally large number of mistakes in this one situation.