YAGT: arguement w/ gf over spending nights at my house

[BigToque]

My gf is 21 (as am I) and we have been dating for over a year (15 months). Her family is Catholic, quite religious and very strict. So strict (and unreasonable) that they honestly make themselves look retarded when my girlfriend is fighting with them.

No sleeping over at boyfriends (not even at a girlfriends house for that matter), no going on trips (anywhere - it doesn't matter if we are going to my cottage an hour away, or going to the other side of the world), home by 12 on weekdays and 2:30 on weekends. No showing affection with each other (can't have my hand on legs, etc), etc...

Anyway, my gf hates the way her parents are and knows how stupid her parents rules are as well. She fights with them endlessly about this stuff but obviously never gets anywhere beause they are incapable of reasoning and logic.

I've always been upset that she never spends the night with me (we've done it a few times when her parents were away), but lately, I'm getting really upset. I wan't her to tell her parent's "I'm spending the night with Stefan and that's it. No discussion". It annoys me because she's willing to go as far as she can to please me with the exception that her parent's don't know. I don't like this at all because it makes me feel like I'm not worth as much to her as I think I should. You know, it would be nice for her to have a relationship with her parents, but I think I'm worth more than the grief she will have with her parents over the issue.

The overreacting part was that we got into an arguement and I just said that I was done pretending that I'm happy with her doing things with her as long as her parent's don't know about it (sleepovers, trips, etc). I want her to be proud of what she is doing and it express it. (which she claims she is - she just doens't want to ruin her relationship with her parent's - which doesn't exist anyway).

 

[Ness]

My friend has a GF who is Catholic (I am Catholic too) and her mom was a nun. If she can deal with the fact that every night neither of them are sleeping alone, I think this girl's parents should, too.

She should just tell her parents that she isn't a child and that it's acceptable to show someone affection. Staying the night with someone is harmless.

One of the principles of Catholicism is forgiveness and acceptance, so if her parents can't accept these facts, then they are hypocrites and phonies.

 

[GT1999]

I had the same problem with my gf after we had been dating for a while. Her parents and her are both not religious at all, but they have strict rules that must be adhered to -- absolutely no living with a bf, let alone just spending the night, and absolutely no sex. Those are a lot easier, but yeah. My gf wanted to be able to tell her parents anything and everything that we do if they were to ask, and to do so truthfully. As it turns out she bent the rules because she did what she wanted to. Now she spends the night all the time. What it sounds like is you need to just convince your gf to do what she wants, not what her parents want. It's her life, and she can't live to please her parents all the time, or else she'll die bolted to her parents with a chain. I know exactly how you feel though, I was in your same shoes just a few weeks ago.

 

[BigToque]

Originally posted by: Ness
My friend has a GF who is Catholic (I am Catholic too) and her mom was a nun. If she can deal with the fact that every night neither of them are sleeping alone, I think this girl's parents should, too.

She should just tell her parents that she isn't a child and that it's acceptable to show someone affection. Staying the night with someone is harmless.

One of the principles of Catholicism is forgiveness and acceptance, so if her parents can't accept these facts, then they are hypocrites and phonies.

*ding**ding**ding*

 

[Carbo]

A more one sided, self-centered point of view I have never seen.
Because your little head is controlling your big head, her parents are "incapable of reasoning and logic". What, exactly, is the logic in your argument? That you have needs and she must be there to fulfill them at all costs, even if it means severing her relationship with her family for you. Someone she has know for a year and probably will not know in another year.
You need to show some respect for the parents and also for this woman you allegedly love. I say allegedly because if you really did care a whit about someone other than yourself, you wouldn't put that kind of pressure on her. You know, the "It's me or them crap" you're suggesting.
From my perspective, it's you who seems incapable of being reasonable.

 

[mugs]

She lives in their house, she lives by their rules. If you two can't deal with that, perhaps she ought to move out.

Good response Carbo.

 

[nageov3t]

Originally posted by: Carbo
A more one sided, self-centered point of view I have never seen.
Because your little head is controlling your big head, her parents are "incapable of reasoning and logic". What, exactly, is the logic in your argument? That you have needs and she must be there to fulfill them at all costs, even if it means severing her relationship with her family for you. Someone she has know for a year and probably will not know in another year.
You need to show some respect for the parents and also for this woman you allegedly love. I say allegedly because if you really did care a whit about someone other than yourself, you wouldn't put that kind of pressure on her. You know, the "It's me or them crap" you're suggesting.
From my perspective, it's you who seems incapable of being reasonable.

:thumbsup:

 

[PingSpike]

Get an apartment and move in with her. Thats what I would do.

 

[Bulk Beef]

She lives in their house, she lives by their rules. If you two can't deal with that, perhaps she ought to move out.

Good response Carbo.

Ditto, ditto, and ditto.

I wan't her to tell her parent's "I'm spending the night with Stefan and that's it. No discussion".

So you want this girl to rough up her relationship with her family so YOU can get some nookie. Damn, you're a selfish POS. Grow the fvck up.

BTW, her family will be her family for the rest of her life - you are, in all likelihood, just passing through.

 

[Turkish]

Originally posted by: Carbo
A more one sided, self-centered point of view I have never seen.
Because your little head is controlling your big head, her parents are "incapable of reasoning and logic". What, exactly, is the logic in your argument? That you have needs and she must be there to fulfill them at all costs, even if it means severing her relationship with her family for you. Someone she has know for a year and probably will not know in another year.
You need to show some respect for the parents and also for this woman you allegedly love. I say allegedly because if you really did care a whit about someone other than yourself, you wouldn't put that kind of pressure on her. You know, the "It's me or them crap" you're suggesting.
From my perspective, it's you who seems incapable of being reasonable.

are you catholic?

 

[acemcmac]

tell her to grow up and tell her parents where to put it.... that is... if you and her see eye to eye more than she and her parents do. If she sides with her parents on this even with all of your protest... leave her on the side of the road where she belongs for treating you so miserably over something you care about.

a girl who wont stand up for herself is a waste of ATP

[/IMHO]

 

[rgwalt]

Does she still live with her parents? If so, it is their house and their rules. If you don't like them, encourage her to move into her own place. Or marry her and you can sleep together every night for the rest of your life.

I hate to be the stick in the mud, but their house, their rules.

R

 

[The Stigenator]

the problem i see in this situation.. that i have seen with my friends.. the kids will rebel..

there is NO USE putting so much control over kids, at some point they are going to rebel.

I spend the night at my gf's, and my parents know it. The only thing my mom said to me is "do not get yourself in any sort of 'trouble'". By trouble meaning getting her knocked up.

However stefan, i must agree that i have run into some of your issues myself. What I must say is take it slowly. The fact that they let you come back late is good.. but take it slowly, take what you can, i know its hard but then slowly ask for more.. but not too much..

hope that helps.

 

[BigToque]

Because your little head is controlling your big head, her parents are "incapable of reasoning and logic".

No, the fact that they have never shown my girlfriend any justification for their rules is the reason they are incapable of reasoning and logic. They believe "You do as I say because I'm the parent"

What, exactly, is the logic in your argument? That you have needs and she must be there to fulfill them at all costs, even if it means severing her relationship with her family for you.

I'm upset because she does nothing to make her situation better. To be totally honest, it's not just me wanting her to do things to please me. I want her to actually do something to break the stranglehold that her parents try to use to rule over their daughter (they use the same tactics on their other children).

Someone she has know for a year and probably will not know in another year.

We will be getting married. Both she and I know this.

You need to show some respect for the parents and also for this woman you allegedly love. I say allegedly because if you really did care a whit about someone other than yourself, you wouldn't put that kind of pressure on her. You know, the "It's me or them crap" you're suggesting.

I did show her parents respect before. I don't care for them at all anymore. They are terrible people. They tell my girlfriend that she shouldn't be with me. That she should be with someone better. By better they mean "find someone catholic". Her mother says that my family is not as good as theirs because they don't believe what we do. I'm done with her family.

 

[Turkish]

Originally posted by: Stefan

You need to show some respect for the parents and also for this woman you allegedly love. I say allegedly because if you really did care a whit about someone other than yourself, you wouldn't put that kind of pressure on her. You know, the "It's me or them crap" you're suggesting.

I did show her parents respect before. I don't care for them at all anymore. They are terrible people. They tell my girlfriend that she shouldn't be with me. That she should be with someone better. By better they mean "find someone catholic". Her mother says that my family is not as good as theirs because they don't believe what we do. I'm done with her family.

ewww. that's fvcked up.

 

[anno]

Originally posted by: mugs
She lives in their house, she lives by their rules. If you two can't deal with that, perhaps she ought to move out.

Good response Carbo.

between you and Carbo, y'all pretty much said everything that needs saying.

anno

 

[BigToque]

Originally posted by: sward666

She lives in their house, she lives by their rules. If you two can't deal with that, perhaps she ought to move out.

Good response Carbo.

Ditto, ditto, and ditto.

I wan't her to tell her parent's "I'm spending the night with Stefan and that's it. No discussion".

So you want this girl to rough up her relationship with her family so YOU can get some nookie. Damn, you're a selfish POS. Grow the fvck up.

BTW, her family will be her family for the rest of her life - you are, in all likelihood, just passing through.

Why would you go and make such blatent assumptions about our relationship? Maybe you should ask questions first, then speak.

I am not "just passing through" and I don't need to have a sleep over to get some "nookie". All I want is for my girlfriend to make a stand for herself.

 

[The Stigenator]

stefan.. if it bugs you so much.. that she isnt going to talk to the parents.. you talk to the parents..

if that doesnt help.. threaten a break up when she is at home .... parents dont want to see thier kids cry.. not sure if that will work though.. i am just throwing things out.. that's all.

 

[geno]

You can't make your gf choose between respecting her parents and appeasing you. Don't turn it into that decision for her, because you're not being fair to her. Respect her parents' wishes for the time being, and don't turn it into a "you don't love me" argument, since you can't expect her to completely blow her parents off...

As for wanting her to say "I'm doing this and this, end of story", get real. Those are her parents, no matter how outlandish their rules are, she has to live with them, not you. Stop being selfish, stop making your GF choose, let her handle her business with her parents and butt out for now. When you guys have your own place and aren't living with parents, then you call your own shots.

 

[loup garou]

Tell her to get a job and move out. Problem solved.

 

[BigToque]

Originally posted by: Xiety

Originally posted by: Stefan

You need to show some respect for the parents and also for this woman you allegedly love. I say allegedly because if you really did care a whit about someone other than yourself, you wouldn't put that kind of pressure on her. You know, the "It's me or them crap" you're suggesting.

I did show her parents respect before. I don't care for them at all anymore. They are terrible people. They tell my girlfriend that she shouldn't be with me. That she should be with someone better. By better they mean "find someone catholic". Her mother says that my family is not as good as theirs because they don't believe what we do. I'm done with her family.

ewww. that's fvcked up.

Her mother is insane. Just the other day when my gf and her family came back from a 10 day trip, her mother told her "There is something wrong with you. You need a psychiatrist. If you're gonna spend that much time together you should be married. Normal people don't spend that much time together", in reference to her seeing me 2 days in a row for a combined total of about 10 hours over the 2 days.

 

[The Stigenator]

Originally posted by: geno
You can't make your gf choose between respecting her parents and appeasing you. Don't turn it into that decision for her, because you're not being fair to her. Respect her parents' wishes for the time being, and don't turn it into a "you don't love me" argument, since you can't expect her to completely blow her parents off...

As for wanting her to say "I'm doing this and this, end of story", get real. Those are her parents, no matter how outlandish their rules are, she has to live with them, not you. Stop being selfish, stop making your GF choose, let her handle her business with her parents and butt out for now. When you guys have your own place and aren't living with parents, then you call your own shots.

good point geno...

 

[BigToque]

Originally posted by: The_good_guy
stefan.. if it bugs you so much.. that she isnt going to talk to the parents.. you talk to the parents..

if that doesnt help.. threaten a break up when she is at home .... parents dont want to see thier kids cry.. not sure if that will work though.. i am just throwing things out.. that's all.

I want to say something to her parent's, but my mom strongly discouraged it, and my girlfriend doesn't want me to, so I won't.

If I threatened to break up, her parent's would probably throw a party. It makes the family look bad to have her gf dating someone who isn't as good as them (read Catholic).

 

[GT1999]

Originally posted by: The_good_guy

Originally posted by: geno
You can't make your gf choose between respecting her parents and appeasing you. Don't turn it into that decision for her, because you're not being fair to her. Respect her parents' wishes for the time being, and don't turn it into a "you don't love me" argument, since you can't expect her to completely blow her parents off...

As for wanting her to say "I'm doing this and this, end of story", get real. Those are her parents, no matter how outlandish their rules are, she has to live with them, not you. Stop being selfish, stop making your GF choose, let her handle her business with her parents and butt out for now. When you guys have your own place and aren't living with parents, then you call your own shots.

good point geno...

I agree, take geno's advice for now and see where things go.

 

[Vette73]

Originally posted by: loki8481

Originally posted by: Carbo
A more one sided, self-centered point of view I have never seen.
Because your little head is controlling your big head, her parents are "incapable of reasoning and logic". What, exactly, is the logic in your argument? That you have needs and she must be there to fulfill them at all costs, even if it means severing her relationship with her family for you. Someone she has know for a year and probably will not know in another year.
You need to show some respect for the parents and also for this woman you allegedly love. I say allegedly because if you really did care a whit about someone other than yourself, you wouldn't put that kind of pressure on her. You know, the "It's me or them crap" you're suggesting.
From my perspective, it's you who seems incapable of being reasonable.

:thumbsup: