YAGT: Am I selfish?

[LuckyTaxi]

I'm currently dating my fiance for a little over 3 years now. I've grown very attached to her family, which consist of 5 other brother/sisters along with the parents. To make the long story short, I think I'm falling out of love. I've overlooked the fact that I'm the "bread-winner" and she'll always have a job that no one else would want. I am currently 25 y/o and I have a full time job along with a real estate investment company. I DO NOT mind working and having our real estate company succeed, therefore she wouldnt have to work and just raise our family.

Well, lately, we've been arguing over some stuff. For example, I REALLY hate her brother-in-law, who's a complete loser. The guy doesnt want to work and he has a 1 y/o daughter. I dont know why, but everyone in the family forgives him for the crap he does to everyone. I want nothing to do with him and I really dont like being around him. My fiance knows but she does it out of the kindness of her heart. We're heading down to Maryland for a wedding tomorrow and she wants her sister and the brother-in-law to come along. This means I have to listen to his dumbass remarks.

On top of this, I was fortunate enough to have parents who really care. They gave me the things I need and actually show me the affection that every child desires. I guess I can't say the same for her family, but now it's bugging me in a way. Every vacation we plan, she wants to involve her sisters/brother. I feel that now that I've grown up and on my own, I would rather much enjoy my life before I start a family. Well, she wants to include some of her siblings and I really dont want to be bother with babysitting someone.

Anyways, she says I'm selfish, but I just want to be able to enjoy my life. I work too hard to let some moron like her brother-in-law get a free pass in life. Every fvck up he does, somehow or another, either I or my fiance bails him out.

 

[Neurorelay]

Sounds like she is still attached to her family so much so that it would hinder starting your own.

 

[BlueWeasel]

Originally posted by: Neurorelay
Sounds like she is still attached to her family so much so that it would hinder starting your own.

Yup...you sound reasonable to me, not selfish.

 

[LuckyTaxi]

She is attached to her family and that's fine. I guess it's a two way street, becuase I do a lot for my brother. However, I dont mind helping those who help themselves. My brother works hard and he just finished college. As his big brother I take care of him and give him advice. Now that he's working it's a little different. She was always jealous of me helping him and I wouldnt want to help any of her brother or sisters. My response? "well, if your sisters or brother would take school seriously, then it would be different." why should I type their report when they can do it? go to the library or actually save money and buy a computer. I dont have time to type out 5 pages for a book report.

 

[shimsham]

theres one in every family thats a total fvck up yet is still babied. comes with the inlaws. but you have every right to expect your wife to commit herself to your family without hers being around all the time.

 

[Neurorelay]

Originally posted by: BlueWeasel

Originally posted by: Neurorelay
Sounds like she is still attached to her family so much so that it would hinder starting your own.

Yup...you sound reasonable to me, not selfish.

In all seriousness, in the end, you are responsible to yourself and only yourself, if there are people who want to share your existence with you, it has to be equal in all things.

 

[Hyperblaze]

What does it matter if the guy acts that way in his life? He isn't part of your immediate family. Is this solely the reason why you think you are falling out of love with your girl?

 

[aplefka]

Sounds like she needs to grow up and open her eyes.

 

[BlueWeasel]

She actually expected you to type a book report for them? How old are they?

 

[LuckyTaxi]

Blueweasel - No, they write it on pieces of paper and they have to submit it printed via a printer. The parents are too cheap to buy ink cartridge. Now, my fiance wants to pay for their net access. I said hell no. Asian families that I've known, dont really care too much for their kids education. They just want their kids to finish high school and call it a day.

Aplefka - I'm starting to realize this.

hyperblaze - No, other stuff. Today for example, i got home @ 9:15 and no dinner was made. Her priorities are fvcked up! She's lazy to say the least, but I've been too busy to worry about stuff. Part of it is my fault, but part of it is me not having a partner who understands what I'm trying to do. I guess I need someone up to my level and thats not me being arrogant. My mom thinks I deserve better and I need someone who's a little more intellectual.

 

[olds]

Originally posted by: BlueWeasel

Originally posted by: Neurorelay
Sounds like she is still attached to her family so much so that it would hinder starting your own.

Yup...you sound reasonable to me, not selfish.

:thumbsup:

 

[Tiamat]

you are not selfish. Sounds like she and you are on different wavelengths. I dunno how you can compromise - esp if she doesnt want to budge. Kindaly remind her that your goal is for your own family, and if she snaps back at you, then you may have to make unfortunate decisions. Good luck!

 

[shimsham]

Originally posted by: lilcam
Blueweasel - No, they write it on pieces of paper and they have to submit it printed via a printer. The parents are too cheap to buy ink cartridge. Now, my fiance wants to pay for their net access. I said hell no. Asian families that I've known, dont really care too much for their kids education. They just want their kids to finish high school and call it a day.

Aplefka - I'm starting to realize this.

hyperblaze - No, other stuff. Today for example, i got home @ 9:15 and no dinner was made. Her priorities are fvcked up! She's lazy to say the least, but I've been too busy to worry about stuff. Part of it is my fault, but part of it is me not having a partner who understands what I'm trying to do. I guess I need someone up to my level and thats not me being arrogant. My mom thinks I deserve better and I need someone who's a little more intellectual.

more often than not, mother does know best when it comes to these things.

 

[lokiju]

Well its something you'll two have to come to some sort of agreement on before getting married I'd think, but I'm with you, I'd rather my vacation time be with my S/O and not my S/O and family every time.

 

[LuckyTaxi]

We've been arguing way too much lately. It's gotta stop.

Also, a lot of time I hear couples who say their significant other is one of their best friends. I cant say the same for my fiance. I guess we fell in love when we were younger, but as I grew older I became more mature and began to realize she is still a kid. she's 22 and I'm 25. I work 7 days a work between my FT job and with my company, and she only worries about going out and having fun.

 

[magomago]

Originally posted by: lilcam
Blueweasel - No, they write it on pieces of paper and they have to submit it printed via a printer. The parents are too cheap to buy ink cartridge. Now, my fiance wants to pay for their net access. I said hell no. Asian families that I've known, dont really care too much for their kids education. They just want their kids to finish high school and call it a day.

Aplefka - I'm starting to realize this.

hyperblaze - No, other stuff. Today for example, i got home @ 9:15 and no dinner was made. Her priorities are fvcked up! She's lazy to say the least, but I've been too busy to worry about stuff. Part of it is my fault, but part of it is me not having a partner who understands what I'm trying to do. I guess I need someone up to my level and thats not me being arrogant. My mom thinks I deserve better and I need someone who's a little more intellectual.

LOL no offense (I'm not asian) but I have a LOT of Asian friends, and maybe that is just Pennsylvania, but down here in SO CAL the asian stereotype is they ALL go to college and parents are VERY anal about everything...my parnets are actually like that so I'd say its more of a "hard working immigrant coming to the USA wanting to succeed" type of thing rather than an asian thing...

but i really haven't met any asians whose parents want them to finish highschool and tahts all..I've met kids who want to do that but never the parents.

 

[EmperorIQ]

I have a friend who was in the same situation as you. He ended up dropping the girl after 4 years! it was near 5 years! Now we both look back, and see how she is still completely attached to her family, we both agree . . .
"dude, you dodged a bullet"
For some reason, I knew she was asian too, its typical that there is always 1 sibling that feels obligated to help all the other useless ones, my family at one point had 14 people living under 1 roof, all bills were paid by my parents, while my uncle, his wife, his 2 sons, my 3 aunts did nothing, didn't pay for anything!

 

[shilala]

Show her the road. It'll only get worse.
Once you've done that, you better take a good long look at yourself. If you can't learn to accept people for what they are, you've got a long miserable existance ahead of you.

 

[flexy]

Originally posted by: lilcam
I'm currently dating my fiance for a little over 3 years now. I've grown very attached to her family, which consist of 5 other brother/sisters along with the parents. To make the long story short, I think I'm falling out of love. I've overlooked the fact that I'm the "bread-winner" and she'll always have a job that no one else would want. I am currently 25 y/o and I have a full time job along with a real estate investment company. I DO NOT mind working and having our real estate company succeed, therefore she wouldnt have to work and just raise our family.

Well, lately, we've been arguing over some stuff. For example, I REALLY hate her brother-in-law, who's a complete loser. The guy doesnt want to work and he has a 1 y/o daughter. I dont know why, but everyone in the family forgives him for the crap he does to everyone. I want nothing to do with him and I really dont like being around him. My fiance knows but she does it out of the kindness of her heart. We're heading down to Maryland for a wedding tomorrow and she wants her sister and the brother-in-law to come along. This means I have to listen to his dumbass remarks.

On top of this, I was fortunate enough to have parents who really care. They gave me the things I need and actually show me the affection that every child desires. I guess I can't say the same for her family, but now it's bugging me in a way. Every vacation we plan, she wants to involve her sisters/brother. I feel that now that I've grown up and on my own, I would rather much enjoy my life before I start a family. Well, she wants to include some of her siblings and I really dont want to be bother with babysitting someone.

Anyways, she says I'm selfish, but I just want to be able to enjoy my life. I work too hard to let some moron like her brother-in-law get a free pass in life. Every fvck up he does, somehow or another, either I or my fiance bails him out.

and WTF has THIS to do with your finance ?

Is HE the reason that you dont love your gf anymore ? ridiculous

 

[EmperorIQ]

Originally posted by: magomago

Originally posted by: lilcam
Blueweasel - No, they write it on pieces of paper and they have to submit it printed via a printer. The parents are too cheap to buy ink cartridge. Now, my fiance wants to pay for their net access. I said hell no. Asian families that I've known, dont really care too much for their kids education. They just want their kids to finish high school and call it a day.

Aplefka - I'm starting to realize this.

hyperblaze - No, other stuff. Today for example, i got home @ 9:15 and no dinner was made. Her priorities are fvcked up! She's lazy to say the least, but I've been too busy to worry about stuff. Part of it is my fault, but part of it is me not having a partner who understands what I'm trying to do. I guess I need someone up to my level and thats not me being arrogant. My mom thinks I deserve better and I need someone who's a little more intellectual.

LOL no offense (I'm not asian) but I have a LOT of Asian friends, and maybe that is just Pennsylvania, but down here in SO CAL the asian stereotype is they ALL go to college and parents are VERY anal about everything...my parnets are actually like that so I'd say its more of a "hard working immigrant coming to the USA wanting to succeed" type of thing rather than an asian thing...

but i really haven't met any asians whose parents want them to finish highschool and tahts all..I've met kids who want to do that but never the parents.

well, based on my experience (previous post) my family is chinese, and I think, since they all grew up with a communist mind set, they believe that all you need 1 good kid out of 10 to make decent money, then distribute all the money amongst the family. relating to my friend's ex (previous post) her family is a small community, even though they hate each other they always put money together to buy houses and move around, its a small communist environment. I'm not trying to be funny or anything, i'm serious. I think its sort of retarded that I think this way, and I hope some day I will end up just not caring about my relatives, but this is how i grew up, and how i see some people as.

 

[LuckyTaxi]

I shouldn't have said ALL asians, but the ones I know here in Philly feel the same way. It's a great milestone for some of these parents for their kids to finish high school. As for my fiance's siblings, 2 are graduating from HS this year while the other 3 are all in elementary school. 1st grade, 3rd grade and 7th grade. Yet, they miss school more often than they should be. If it's not being lazy, then I dont know what it is. I'm supposed to reward them with treats when they can't even take thei education seriously?

In regards to the brother-in-law. he worked for about a month with my fiance at this printing job. He eventually quit saying the job was too boring for him. Mind you this job didnt require a drugtest and they rarely fire people unless they did no work or did something stupid. All he had to do was show up to work on time and not cause trouble. For someone who smokes weed all day, he had a golden opportunity to keep this job. He ended up quitting saying he didnt like taking the bus to work cuz i didnt want to pick him up every morning. Now he's doing landscaping work in the soon to be hot ass weather, but he now wants back into my fiance's workplace. I told her not to help him, but i know she will.

 

[Pepsei]

well, dump her and teach her.

no? how about moving away from Philly, go to norther virginia, better asians there.

 

[nakedfrog]

Ditch her. It won't feel good, but you'll get over it and find someone better.

 

[Aharami]

i wouldnt call you selfish at all.

 

[PingSpike]

I think you need to sit down and talk about your goals and future...she's your fiance? It really doesn't sound like you two should get married until you sort this out.

We have fights. But they're all pretty stupid, like "dirty dishes in sink" and the last episode of survivor. It sounds like you two are going in totally different directions and that is just not going to work in a marriage.