Everyone hates themselves, doesn't know it, and doesn't want to know it. That came from childhood. To be brutally raped on top of that is just too much. It's like a confirmation, the frosting on the cake. Part of not being able to speak out is because of the self hate, the rape feels like it's deserved. We are no good and here's the proof. There is rage and there is the feeling of worthlesness that we don't deserve better. So we curl up in out self hate and carry on. We stuff down and suppress the feelings and carry on in make believe living having friends, some fun, some thin life. We meet somebody and our hearts flower. Man we are loved, maybe we are ok. But we avoid attachment, avoid commitment, avoid anything serious or envolved. Then the hammer falls. I love you. You love me, you love me you ass. Io you know how worthless I am. Do you know I was raped. Do you know what a dirtied piece of sh!t I am. You love my you ass, you fool, you stupid jerk. Get away from me. You make me feel everything all over again. I can't be any good, I suffered so much pain, I have to be worthless, please don't make me feel it again. I want to pretend, to keep it light. Don't ever offer me the hope of love. All that died long ago. I can never be happy. I am worthless, useless, empty. You love me? I have nothing to give. Run away before i destroy your love and drown it in my empty sea.
We are powerless in the face of the insanity that is man and woman. We cannot reverse the damage others have exoerienced. We can barely reverse what was done to us. But there is nothng you or anybody can do for anybody but to love them unconditionally and objectively, with the knowledge that our love will burn them like fire and cause them to hate, ro reject and to prove to us that they are worthless. We test and test to see if we are loved and all our tests are meant to fail, intended to cause the t other to fail. The lover does not care. The lover gives without regard to gain. The lover loves him or her self and from that well shines forth a sun. You can walk in understanding, but it is rare that one walks other than alone. But if you can give up on getting you can give.
I wish you well, my friend.
We all live in a yellow submarine....
We are powerless in the face of the insanity that is man and woman. We cannot reverse the damage others have exoerienced. We can barely reverse what was done to us. But there is nothng you or anybody can do for anybody but to love them unconditionally and objectively, with the knowledge that our love will burn them like fire and cause them to hate, ro reject and to prove to us that they are worthless. We test and test to see if we are loved and all our tests are meant to fail, intended to cause the t other to fail. The lover does not care. The lover gives without regard to gain. The lover loves him or her self and from that well shines forth a sun. You can walk in understanding, but it is rare that one walks other than alone. But if you can give up on getting you can give.
I wish you well, my friend.
We all live in a yellow submarine....
