YAGPT: Need advice on situation with my girlfriends parents

[Kenazo]

I'm not sure about the "most marriages that happen before 25 are doomed" attitudes. In my area, the majority are married by 25, and the divorce rate is quite low, far below the national average anyway.

I do happen to live in an area where the vast majority are Mennonites though...

 

[sao123]

obviously posesses the kind of ethical logic that allows him to not be honest or respectful, and yet be upset that her parents dont' like him.

So its the guys fault, and the girl is completely innocent?

1)She let him stay over... she coulda told him no.
2)She decieved her parents by not informing them she was moving out... not his responsibility
3)She approved of his visit trip to india.

not buying it. blame the chick too.

My girlfriend says that her parents are being unreasonable

Jessica already told him she was moving

she doesnt sound too choosy of parents over guy to me.

 

[Buck Armstrong]

Originally posted by: Jzero

Originally posted by: Buck Armstrong
I'm sure you know this, but modern marriages have a much better chance of succeeding if both partners are over 25 when they get married. I've never known anyone from my generation who got married as children and are still together. Its a dumb thing to do IMO, especially if you're the man. Things have changed since 1950.

I agree with you, but it seems a safe bet that someone with a 22-year-old daughter caught the tail end of this being common practice. It may seem sad from our modern perspective, but it was considered a Good Thing at the time.

I bet your parents would tell me it took a lifetime of hard work and serious commitment, rather than romantic fairy tales about "true love" and all that.

You bet. But that remains true no matter what age you get married.

I won't disagree with that, in fact they probably wouldn't like it regardless of when they were born, how they were raised, or when they got married! Parents just don't appreciate their unwed daughter being deflowered, especially in their own home while they're out of town. They caught him trying to flee the scene of the crime, and when interrogated, he told a reflex lie that they saw right through. No parent will ever believe that he just "spent the night because he was tired" and no fornication took place.

And yes it does take hard work no matter how old you are. I'm married, and I plan to remain with her until I am dead. I'd leave if she cheated, but thats the only reason I ever would. I'm just saying that young people are less likely to stick around when all the fun and wild sex has been replaced by the excruciating minutiae of daily life.

 

[richardycc]

you need to work hard and make tons of money, then you will become their fave son-in-law. 😛 they don't respect you probably because you are a loser, and they think their daughter can do better than that. The truth hurts, doesnt it?

 

[xXped0thugXx]

break up with her and find parents that like you : shrug :

 

[DingDingDao]

Originally posted by: sao123

obviously posesses the kind of ethical logic that allows him to not be honest or respectful, and yet be upset that her parents dont' like him.

So its the guys fault, and the girl is completely innocent?

1)She let him stay over... she coulda told him no.
2)She decieved her parents by not informing them she was moving out... not his responsibility
3)She approved of his visit trip to india.

not buying it. blame the chick too.

My girlfriend says that her parents are being unreasonable

Jessica already told him she was moving

she doesnt sound too choosy of parents over guy to me.

I didn't way the gf was free of blame, either. Personally, I think she's a b!tch to just let her parents ignore Stefan, while this situation obviously is stressing him out. She clearly can't be bothered to try to mediate at least a truce between him and her parents, which she should do.

 

[dquan97]

Originally posted by: kranky
Good advice from HotChic.

I see nothing wrong with being the one to make the effort to improve the relationship. It doesn't mean her parents "won". It means you want the relationship with her parents to be better than it is, that's all.

I agree...try to spend more time with them. Eventually, they'll come around. (for example, my wife and I still play scrabble with her grandmother, who she stayed with before getting married and is her only relative in town)

 

[Red Dawn]

Originally posted by: Stefan
I am 22, my GF is 21. My girlfriend lives on her own and has already graduated from university... just getting that out of the way...

My girlfriend gets along fine with her family besides the occasional arguement with a sibling or parent, just the normal stufff. Our relationship isn't coming between her and her parents.

Her parents (and entire family) have completely turned on me and just try to pretend that I don't exist. I am not invited to any get togethers, outings, etc. They want nothing to do with me.

My girlfriend has asked her parents why they have a problem with me and these are the reasons they have given:

1. I lied to them once.

I was at my girlfriends house till 4:00am one night while the family was out of town. I was really tired and didn't want to drive home (tired people shouldn't be driving). I parked my car down the street so neighbors wouldn't see my truck and know I was there (they're all really nosey and everyone gossips in the area). Her parents came home the next day and caught me me early in the morning looking discheveled and it was obvious that I spent the night, but I told them I didn't spend the night.

I apologized for lying to them and explained the situation, but never got a response.

2. I was being deceiving when I helped my GF move out.

I brought some boxes to my GF's house and her dad asked me what the boxes were for. I said "They're for Jessica", and nothing more. Apparently that's being sly and deceiving.

I told him that I didn't say anything else because Jessica already told him she was moving and I didn't feel that I needed to say anything that had already been said.

3. I went to India to visit my GF.

They say that I disobeyed their wishes by going and that I have no respect for them.

I told them that I respect what their beliefs and values are, but that Jessica and I are both adults and neither of us felt what we were doing was wrong. I said that I wasn't going to go against what I believed, in order to satisfy their wishes.

----------------


So that is the situation so far... I don't know where to go from here. I have apologized for lying to them and explained what the situation was, but they have no desire to try to work on having any kind of relationship.

I don't feel that I have done anything that would warrant receiving this kind of bahaviour. My girlfriend says that her parents are being unreasonable and says that she doesn't understand why things are the way they are.

Ultimately, I am not affected by this at all, but it would still be nice to be able to be friends with her family.

I don't feel as if I should need to go to her parents and be the first to try to start negotiations or trying to remedy the situation. I feel they are the ones who have decided to oust me and that they should be the ones to make the effort to make something work.

That said, I also don't think I'm being unreasonable to say that if her parents decide to not try to make things work for en extended period of time and then later try to make things better right after we are married or engaged, that I would very seriously have to question their motive to be friends with me. I don't accept friendship because her parents would now feel obligated to be accepting because I'm now "family".

How should I handle this?

If I were your age I'd just say the hell with it and go my seperate way. Lifes to short to deal with this BS, especially at your age.

 

[kevman]

just break it up. it will be a life of too much hassle to deal with those indian parents....trust me i know from experience

 

[axnff]

Plain and simple, as the "boyfriend", you are guilty until proven innocent, and nothing you have done would demonstrate "innocence" in any way, shape or form. You expect them to accept you when you won't abide by their principles that are important to them. Your girlfriend doesn't stick up for you or bring you around, so they think she is only mildly interested. Your personal morals and principals apparently greatly conflict with theirs, but you want them to be happy about it? Not gonna' happen. You and her need to sit down and really figure out whether she will be able to be with you for an extended period of time (including perhaps several years of marriage) before they start liking you.

A future-son-in-law has to prove himself on a daily basis just to be tolerated. Blow that trust, you might as well watch the tectonic plates race across the globe while waiting to get it back.

My own experience: I was getting very serious with my girl, but she was afraid of her family's reaction to me. Her father knew about me from the very beginning, and didn't like me. Then she never brings me around, so they don't see much commitment from her. It got to the point where just speaking on the phone would draw her (otherwise very calm) parents into an argument. I finally got her to start having me over; they started getting used to me. But by this time, we were practically engaged, and they barely knew me. I wanted their acceptance, to be part of the family she loved so much, so I abided by all of their wishes, even when I didn't agree with them.

That is what showing respect to the parents is. You can't say "I respect your beliefs and wishes, but since I don't agree with them, I am not going to abide by them" and still expect acceptance.

Her parents are in the right, you are in the wrong (sorry, dude), and you need your girl to start standing up for you to show that this isn't just a "phase she'll grow out of". Either that, or get used to the idea that you probably will not be accepted until you have been married a few years with a spotless record with her.

ps: If you have kids that you truly love, I'd bet almost anything you will react similarly. Most dads (even those who hated going through it themselves) I've known give one and only one chance to maintain trust. After that.......

 

[BCYL]

Similar thing happened to my sister's bf (now husband)...

And my Dad still doesn't like him today, even after they're married

So I suggest you be proactive and do some damage control

 

[pclstyle]

i think you're probably just not successful or good-looking enough to be allowed to associate with someone of their daughter's caliber. Move on.

 

[Stark]

Originally posted by: OffTopic

Nope, she's not Indian. She just went to do some missionary work.

1.You sleep with their daughter in their own home when they were away.
2.They are Christian (un-christian to do the deed before marriage).
3.Lie (un-christian to lie).

1.Suck it up and ignore it.
2.Tell the parents to go to hell and quit boinking their daughter.
3.Or, move far way.

excellent recap

they tried to raise a nice girl with a bright future. instead, they got you. that has to be a tough one for any parent to swallow. 😛

 

[ampdot]

my sis and her fiance were in the same boat when they started dating... a white lie get interpreted as lack of trust in child/parent relationship, etc. and a lot of hush-hush and second-guessing of how my parents feel about then boyfriend.

fast forward seven years to the present, they're engaged and the fiance is welcomed as "family." the kicker is that my parents felt respected when they were ask for permission to marry, and over time, their attitude had matured too.

keep up the patience and respect, if you're interested in having a good relationship with potential in-laws. it was really testing on the bf to shine through, but hey, pure gold gets refined by fire.

as for who takes the first step... my gf's mom tells her kids... it's easier for them to be flexible than the dad, because people get fixed as they age.

 

[KingPhil]

Confront them (the parents) about this...... not us 😉

 

[BigToque]

A few things I'm going to point out because some people aren't reading the whole thread.

1. My GF is not Indian. Neither is her family 🙂 (they are very conservative canadian polish/ukraniun catholics)

2. My girlfriend has stood up for me MANY times. We have been together for 2 years and she has told her parents that we will be married. There is no misunderstanding of the commitment in our relationship by any parties involved.

3. My girlfriend has good relationship with her family. She still talks and visits them weekly. There are no ultimatums from her parents or from me. She is not going to have to choose one or the other.

4. I don't have an opportunity to 'spend time' with them so they can get to know me because they don't invite me over. My GF doesn't live at home so she can't just bring me when she goes over herself.

Anyway, I haven't decided what I am gonna do yet...

 

[slatr]

Hmm, sounds like a "why buy the cow if the milk is free deal."

Have you discussed marriage with her / her parents?

They probably don't like you coming over and boinking their daughter with no commitment.. I take it you aren't engaged?

EDIT, I just saw your last post.. but seriously, are you certain they know of your intentions?

I think if you asked their PERMISSION to marry her and got her a ring, things would go a lot better for you. My 2 cents.

 

[OffTopic1]

Originally posted by: Stefan
A few things I'm going to point out because some people aren't reading the whole thread.

1. My GF is not Indian. Neither is her family 🙂 (they are very conservative canadian polish/ukraniun catholics)

2. My girlfriend has stood up for me MANY times. We have been together for 2 years and she has told her parents that we will be married. There is no misunderstanding of the commitment in our relationship by any parties involved.

3. My girlfriend has good relationship with her family. She still talks and visits them weekly. There are no ultimatums from her parents or from me. She is not going to have to choose one or the other.

4. I don't have an opportunity to 'spend time' with them so they can get to know me because they don't invite me over. My GF doesn't live at home so she can't just bring me when she goes over herself.

Anyway, I haven't decided what I am gonna do yet...

You better smarten up if you want to stay with a Polish/Ukrainian Catholic immigrant family (many of my friends are one or both?awesome parties & weddings).

Your girl friend is a first or second generation immigrant child that is trying to cope with both cultures, and it would help if you respect her parents old country way. I suggest getting a copy of My Big Fat Greek Wedding to watch & learn from it (most immigrant families are very similar in their ways), and it would greatly help if you get a few books on their culture to read. Be more involve with their culture immigrant center/activities, and ask lots of questions (especially if it regarding their custom) if you don?t know or unsure.

PS. It would help if you learn how to spell their country name and learn how to make perogies & cabbage roll. It would impress the women if you can show off your skill at perogies parties.

<-- FOB Asian that dated a Polish immigrant, and have many Ukrainian friends.

 

[BigToque]

Originally posted by: OffTopic

Originally posted by: Stefan
A few things I'm going to point out because some people aren't reading the whole thread.

1. My GF is not Indian. Neither is her family 🙂 (they are very conservative canadian polish/ukraniun catholics)

2. My girlfriend has stood up for me MANY times. We have been together for 2 years and she has told her parents that we will be married. There is no misunderstanding of the commitment in our relationship by any parties involved.

3. My girlfriend has good relationship with her family. She still talks and visits them weekly. There are no ultimatums from her parents or from me. She is not going to have to choose one or the other.

4. I don't have an opportunity to 'spend time' with them so they can get to know me because they don't invite me over. My GF doesn't live at home so she can't just bring me when she goes over herself.

Anyway, I haven't decided what I am gonna do yet...

You better smarten up if you want to stay with a Polish/Ukrainian Catholic immigrant family (many of my friends are one or both?awesome parties & weddings).

Your girl friend is a first or second generation immigrant child that is trying to cope with both cultures, and it would help if you respect her parents old country way. I suggest getting a copy of My Big Fat Greek Wedding to watch & learn from it (most immigrant families are very similar in their ways), and it would greatly help if you get a few books on their culture to read. Be more involve with their culture immigrant center/activities, and ask lots of questions (especially if it regarding their custom) if you don?t know or unsure.

PS. It would help if you learn how to spell their country name and learn how to make perogies & cabbage roll. It would impress the women if you can show off your skill at perogies parties.

<-- FOB Asian that dated a Polish immigrant, and have many Ukrainian friends.

I know all about the culture because my family is polish/ukrainian/icelandic. Also, I've watched M.B.F.G.W. a bunch of times... great movie 🙂

Perogies and Holubtsi (cabbage rolls with ground beef and rice) are 2 of my favorite foods...