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YABT (Yet Another Boy Thread): His ex calls up and wants to see him again...

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Originally posted by: KarenMarie
Why didn't he tell her that he did not want to meet up with her, cause he is in a relationship with you?
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I guess he didn't want to hurt her feelings/offend her? Although now that you bring it up, I would have much rather he stated that instead of telling her he'd be out of town.

Originally posted by: DearQT
Dezign, are you comfortable with your fiance making up a lie to resolve a matter? If it were I, I would be pretty concerned that he would lie to me the same way about other matters.

Why not be straightforward with this lady? Her e-mail is very appropriate. She cared enough to ask how you're doing; whereas if all she wanted was your fiance, she could have made no mention. Yeah, she's hit on him in the past, but it doesn't mean she's doing it now.

Needless to say, if you or your fiance are convinced that she wants him, then he should be straightforward. She won't leave until he's straighforward and affirms himself. Yes, it will hurt, but she'll get over it.
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Er... welcome to the forums, DearQT? 😉😛 You and KarenMarie have a good point, I'll ask him why he wasn't completely straightforward with her tonight. I do know one thing for a fact, he hates drama and he doesn't like hurting people's feelings, so I guess he opted to take the easy/efficient way out.

At the beginning of our relationship, a girl he had another purely physical relationship with (right before meeting me) kept calling him and wanting to chat. This is the same girl who, after he broke it off with her, told him that she would be available as a fvck buddy whenever he'd like. Obviously it irritated the heck out of me that she kept calling, but he was always polite and cordial on the phone. "Hi, how are you, I'm fine, blah blah blah". He was never overly-friendly and he did mention I was his girlfriend at the time, but he was never rude to her and he never told her to leave him alone and stop calling him.

Finally, one night when she called again and he started his whole "I'm fine, how are you..." bit, I took the phone and told her to stop calling. She said, "But we're friends!" I replied, "No, you're not. He doesn't like you, he's never liked you, he has no interest in getting to know you or continuing any sort of relations with you, you both used each other for sex and now he wants nothing more to do with you."

She never called back again. I had a serious talk with my fiance about it, and he said that it's never been in his nature to be an outright jerk to girls, and that he tries to handle things as "gentlemanly" as possible. I told him at some point, he has to respect me enough to stop talking to girls he claims he cared nothing for and only used for sex. Luckily, most of them stopped calling after he mentioned he was engaged.
 
Does this question even need to be asked? Not only is it not alright for him to do it, its not alright for him to even consider it.
 
At the beginning of our relationship, a girl he had another purely physical relationship with (right before meeting me) kept calling him and wanting to chat. This is the same girl who, after he broke it off with her, told him that she would be available as a fvck buddy whenever he'd like. Obviously it irritated the heck out of me that she kept calling, but he was always polite and cordial on the phone. "Hi, how are you, I'm fine, blah blah blah". He was never overly-friendly and he did mention I was his girlfriend at the time, but he was never rude to her and he never told her to leave him alone and stop calling him.

Finally, one night when she called again and he started his whole "I'm fine, how are you..." bit, I took the phone and told her to stop calling. She said, "But we're friends!" I replied, "No, you're not. He doesn't like you, he's never liked you, he has no interest in getting to know you or continuing any sort of relations with you, you both used each other for sex and now he wants nothing more to do with you."
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Dezign, I know you didn't ask for a response specifically to the quoted portion, but my honest opinion, which I didn't tell you about Kyle (even though I knew he was a mismatch and you didn't feel him).... My perception is that you really, really, really like "Island Boy" and you're prepared to settle with him, unlike the other guys you ever brought to our attention. However, I'm afraid I don't feel the vibe from "Island Boy". I'm afraid he isn't as prepared as you to settle. It would explain his behavior too. Someone could be soft-spoken, but it doesn't mean the person couldn't affirm himself whenever he has to. He shouldn't be waiting for you to do the job for him.

It's just my perception, though. You love him, which is a good feeling to have toward someone. The question is whether or not he feels the same way toward you.
 
Originally posted by: Zanix
Why do people enjoy each others company? With any relationship, there is a certian level of attraction. With lovers, it was to the point of sexual. It could be a mature relationship, sure. They could go out everyonce in a while, when ever she's in town, just because they enjoy each others company. But where is the attraction there? Still sexual as it was? And if so, no matter how "mature" it'll always come back to that... somehow, maybe there'll be a couple beers at the pub, I don't know.. It does though. People like to deny that they arn't thinking about sex when they're looking at someone they're sexually attracted to, but I think I'm a little more honest with myself.




And there's no need to start with the personal put downs.
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It wasn't a put down, just an observation. In my opinion your outlook on male/female relationships is very immature.

Just because I'm attracted to someone now doesn't mean that I'll be attracted to them 5 years from now. People and their perspectives on others change a lot throughout the years.

My exgirlfriend didn't like the idea of me seeing my exgirlfriend before her and she had the same questions you did. What both her, and it seems you, don't understand is that I didn't want to see my other ex because I wanted to get back together with her or because I wanted to sleep with her, but because I enjoy her company. She's a nice person and I enjoy the conversations I have with her. Not to mention that I still do care about her as a person and wonder how her life is going. It's not like we even talk a lot or see each other on a regular basis. We probably talk like once every couple of months.

The thing is that she couldn't understand what we had to talk about or why I would want to see her. To me it was because she has an immature outlook on relationships. She couldn't fathom the idea that two people who were once in love could possibly both understand that it's for the better that they're not anymore and that they can still be friends.
 
Originally posted by: pulse8
Originally posted by: Zanix
Why do people enjoy each others company? With any relationship, there is a certian level of attraction. With lovers, it was to the point of sexual. It could be a mature relationship, sure. They could go out everyonce in a while, when ever she's in town, just because they enjoy each others company. But where is the attraction there? Still sexual as it was? And if so, no matter how "mature" it'll always come back to that... somehow, maybe there'll be a couple beers at the pub, I don't know.. It does though. People like to deny that they arn't thinking about sex when they're looking at someone they're sexually attracted to, but I think I'm a little more honest with myself.




And there's no need to start with the personal put downs.
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It wasn't a put down, just an observation. In my opinion your outlook on male/female relationships is very immature.

Just because I'm attracted to someone now doesn't mean that I'll be attracted to them 5 years from now. People and their perspectives on others change a lot throughout the years.

My exgirlfriend didn't like the idea of me seeing my exgirlfriend before her and she had the same questions you did. What both her, and it seems you, don't understand is that I didn't want to see my other ex because I wanted to get back together with her or because I wanted to sleep with her, but because I enjoy her company. She's a nice person and I enjoy the conversations I have with her. Not to mention that I still do care about her as a person and wonder how her life is going. It's not like we even talk a lot or see each other on a regular basis. We probably talk like once every couple of months.

The thing is that she couldn't understand what we had to talk about or why I would want to see her. To me it was because she has an immature outlook on relationships. She couldn't fathom the idea that two people who were once in love could possibly both understand that it's for the better that they're not anymore and that they can still be friends.
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Touché Pulse8, I accept that I may have an immature outlook on relationships.


And I see what you are saying, I just think that the "plutonic relationship" is just an ideal that doesn't work in most cases. I think the mature relationship that you're talking about is real in your example. Same goes with my bestfriend's wife-to-be. I like her very much, but there hasn't been any air of sex anywhere. I don't hang out with her though. I wouldn't feel right going out to a movie just her and I. I guess that's where I'm drawing my view from. If I were to take my best friend's fiancée out, etc... I'd put a red flag there. Which is the same way how I see Tomato's fiance's situation.
 
Good to hear its resolved....

But it seems to me that Dezign/Tomato/HappyKitten? is more bothered by it than she originally let on?

Why post here Tomato about a YAGT/YAGBT, when there is yagt.org? I've coulda sworn you suggested that forum in another yagt when someone was looking for advice...

Too many names/handles. 😕
 
EDIT: Situation resolved. The fiance wrote her an e-mail and told her he was going to be home in Albuquerque, and wouldn't be in town when she arrived. (not true, he'll be here but we just don't want to see her)
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So, the CAT FIGHT videos won't be happening then huh? 🙁

DAMN 😉
 
Originally posted by: Zanix



Touché Pulse8, I accept that I may have an immature outlook on relationships.


And I see what you are saying, I just think that the "plutonic relationship" is just an ideal that doesn't work in most cases. I think the mature relationship that you're talking about is real in your example. Same goes with my bestfriend's wife-to-be. I like her very much, but there hasn't been any air of sex anywhere. I don't hang out with her though. I wouldn't feel right going out to a movie just her and I. I guess that's where I'm drawing my view from. If I were to take my best friend's fiancée out, etc... I'd put a red flag there. Which is the same way how I see Tomato's fiance's situation.
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Is that a relationship for astronauts?
I think the word your looking for is PLATONIC


Platonic @ Dictionary.com
 
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