• We’re currently investigating an issue related to the forum theme and styling that is impacting page layout and visual formatting. The problem has been identified, and we are actively working on a resolution. There is no impact to user data or functionality, this is strictly a front-end display issue. We’ll post an update once the fix has been deployed. Thanks for your patience while we get this sorted.

Would you be upset?

L

leeland

Diamond Member
So I will try to go with the abridged version for now...so please stay with me if this gets long


1. I have 3 children 4 / 3 / 7 m.
2. The 4 year old had a b-day party at a local kids establishment.
3. Invited my dad to party to celebrate (was important to me he be there) My Mom is not in the picture for long time now...
4. Dad doesn't show, after 1 hour of the party I call him to find out he is doing something that could be done anytime...and he tells me he isn't coming
5. Upon hearing this I tell him I don't have time to talk and abruptly hang up...


Motivating factors for myself...

I know these aren't supposed to be added into the equation but it is hard for me not too...

1. Have a sister, who has a slightly older child than my oldest (4 1/2)
2. The past 3 years (x-mas, b-day, ect...) the level of affection is lop sided to my sisters daughter...
3. Last b-day for my sisters child, they went in halves and get an electronic car (200 - 300 dollars)
4. For my son's b-day (2 weeks ago) my son didn't get a card, a phone call, or any other sort of recognition from my dad...


Now before anyone goes off about me being a little bitch...try to look at it through the eyes of a parent and not wanting to have your child's feelings hurt...

I honestly could care less about any kind of gift because to be honest he sucks at getting anything appropriate for my kids...

I am mostly pissed / hurt for my son who is now getting to an age that he can acknowledge and understand things like this.

He understood the significance of the day, that it was all about him...he understood what the presents meant and why people attended his party...ect...

I talked to my sister about it and she agreed there was favoritism but obviously didn't care lol as it was in favor of her child.

My dad is apparently oblivious to this even after he found out I was upset and the reasons why...instead of just swallowing it and apologizing he is ignoring it like nothing happened.

THEN my favorite part happens after about a week...instead of calling me...he emails me about deer hunting (something I am not too wild on but go just for the fun of it)...he wants to purchase a new rifle stock for me (I am left handed vs. right handed gun) since I have used on of his rifles the last couple of years.

He has never offered to purchase anything for me in the past 10+ years because I wouldn't have it...I usually buy my own things and don't take handouts...he knows this which leads me to believe he is trying a weak attempt buying me off for a lack of a better term which aggravates me even more 😀

I decided against going this year as a result of the above, and just being annoyed with the whole situation.

My wife (who's entire family showed for the b-day party) didn't see why I was all bent out of shape about it and still doesn't get my P.O.V.

Maybe I am just over sensitive to the whole thing...


/<End Rant >/



 
You're not being a little bitch. Any advice along the lines of "suck it up and be a man" is idiotic in this instance - your parents and siblings will forever be people you are emotionally vulnerable to.

I think that you have to realize something unpleasant - your parents are flawed, and are not likely to change for you now. By all means attempt to foster a better relationship with your father and keep the lines of communication open, but be realistic. You're not the favourite now and you probably will never be. It's just one of the little ways that life can suck.
 
Ask him to visit with your son instead of buying you a rifle stock.
Tell him that would mean much more to you, maybe that will get your message across.
I wouldn't say you are being sensitive. A no-call/no-show to an important event is quite....tacky
 
You're right to be upset, but I don't see it getting you anywhere.

It sounds like a long-established pattern. Have a sit-down, non-confrontational, grown-up talk with him, alone and with no distractions, about it and let him know how you feel about it. Don't push him for specifics on how he'll change. Either it'll matter to him or it won't, and either he'll change or he won't. However it turns out, you need to accept him for who he is.

Every family has dysfunction on some level. Mine does, my wife's does. Every family I've known has weird crap; some people play favorites, some people have drug habits, some people are pathological white liars. Some fathers aren't good fathers. Some mothers aren't good mothers. Sometimes it's because they're self-centered, sometimes it's because they were never shown how to be good parents/siblings/family.

They're all humans, prone to all the varied shortcomings we all are.
 
Wow, your dad sounds like a real jerk. Tell him to take Dick Cheney hunting.

And your wife should be able see you POV, or at least back you up.
 
Originally posted by: yllus
You're not being a little bitch. Any advice along the lines of "suck it up and be a man" is idiotic in this instance - your parents and siblings will forever be people you are emotionally vulnerable to.

I think that you have to realize something unpleasant - your parents are flawed, and are not likely to change for you now. By all means attempt to foster a better relationship with your father and keep the lines of communication open, but be realistic. You're not the favourite now and you probably will never be. It's just one of the little ways that life can suck.
Click to expand...

That about sums it up in a nutshell...

Some days you are the pigeon and some days you are the statue
 
Originally posted by: leeland
Originally posted by: yllus
You're not being a little bitch. Any advice along the lines of "suck it up and be a man" is idiotic in this instance - your parents and siblings will forever be people you are emotionally vulnerable to.

I think that you have to realize something unpleasant - your parents are flawed, and are not likely to change for you now. By all means attempt to foster a better relationship with your father and keep the lines of communication open, but be realistic. You're not the favourite now and you probably will never be. It's just one of the little ways that life can suck.
Click to expand...

That about sums it up in a nutshell...

Some days you are the pigeon and some days you are the statue
Click to expand...

Oh, one more quick thing: It's often harder for a male (your father) to show affection towards another male (you) than towards a female (your sister). Maybe that's at play as well, so add that to your calculations of what to do next.
 
He may be trying to tell you that you were adopted, or that the only two people in your town with red hair were you and the UPS guy.
 
I get the same lopsided treatment from my side of family as well. Odd thing is I see the same pattern on my wife's side as well - My wife's family gives lots more attention to our kids than her brother's kids. I figure that's how things are so I've decided long ago not to lose sleep over it. I heard a real funny explanation once - when it comes to grandkids, the grandparent knows for sure that it's their daughter's kid but can never be 100% sure it's their son's kid. LOL.
 
Originally posted by: rivan
You're right to be upset, but I don't see it getting you anywhere.

It sounds like a long-established pattern. Have a sit-down, non-confrontational, grown-up talk with him, alone and with no distractions, about it and let him know how you feel about it. Don't push him for specifics on how he'll change. Either it'll matter to him or it won't, and either he'll change or he won't. However it turns out, you need to accept him for who he is.

Every family has dysfunction on some level. Mine does, my wife's does. Every family I've known has weird crap; some people play favorites, some people have drug habits, some people are pathological white liars. Some fathers aren't good fathers. Some mothers aren't good mothers. Sometimes it's because they're self-centered, sometimes it's because they were never shown how to be good parents/siblings/family.

They're all humans, prone to all the varied shortcomings we all are.
Click to expand...



This is good advice...

About a year ago I tried to have this conversation with him and it was entertaining...only because it was like speaking with a child who got caught doing something.

I got about 10 minutes in and got nothing but excuses and side stepping on things...
so it wasn't too productive...I would assume a second attempt at it would yield the same results.

I think "right now" I will just have to accept the reality of the situation and just try to move on in a different direction.

Maybe down the road things will change...when the boys are "easier to relate to" or something like that...

Thanks for the reply it was helpful.
 
Parents always seem to favor the child who has it the worst in their lives (financially, single parent, etc.). Like the ones who have done everything right and really should make them the proudest are the ones they will neglect easier.

At least I've seen it that way many times.

Since this is bothering you I would approach your Dad about it. Tell him how much it means to you and your children that he be around for them.
 
Originally posted by: moshquerade
Parents always seem to favor the child who has it the worst in their lives (financially, single parent, etc.). Like the ones who have done everything right and really should make them the proudest are the ones they will neglect easier.

At least I've seen it that way many times.

Since this is bothering you I would approach your Dad about it. Tell him how much it means to you and your children that he be around for them.
Click to expand...

Sadly, I've seen the same thing too ...

My dad pretty much let my brother get away with everything and anything (he had issues with drug addiction, dropping out of high school, etc) .... He pretty much drove my sister out of his house (she was a straight A student in HS, went on to College, got her BS and her MS in Chem E, and graduated with Honors.) He never helped her out with anything in college. But he gave my brother thousands of dollars to buy a car when he was 20 because he crashed his last one and didn't buy enough insurance ....

I'm the oldest of the three, and I don't have an MS or anything, but I'm far from a HS drop out ... Guess I'm right smack in the middle.
 
That's too bad, but at least you are sure, I presume, that your dad knows your kids' names, which is not what I can say with certainty for one of my siblings.
 
This is pretty common and you are probably best to ignore it and maybe go out of your way to try and make it less noticable to your son.

You cant make him feel more attached to your child so trying to convince him to be so is fruitless.

Ignore it if you value the friendship you have with your father, people are not perfect.
 
id be aggravated, too, but only because my dad is pretty much a dick most of the time, though in different ways.

ive decided the best way is usually to ignore it. talking to him about anything is a dead end and retaliating isnt worth the trouble (usually)
 
Moms tend to favor their daughters children because they feel like they can get more involved with raising them. If they tried to start telling their sons wives how to raise their children, the mom might get pretty pissed. Their daughter would just take this as useful advice though.

I guess maybe since your mom isn't in the picture your dad might think like this? Past generations tend to feel that the wife is the one raising the kids, so if their daughter happens to be the wife, then they can inject themselves more without worrying about getting in the way or offending anyone.
 
#1. You're stuck with the parent you have, not the one you want.
#2. Comparing treatment of your siblings is a slippery slope , my friend. Stay away from it.
#3. Cherish the company of those who show up and are there for you and your children, and NEVER let the absence of someone darken your mood. THAT's the lesson your kids need to learn.
#4. You can only change the way you react to his (in)actions.
 
Your dad is an ass.



Make a note to never treat one set of your future grandchildren different than the others.
 
Originally posted by: preCRT
Your dad is an ass.



Make a note to never treat one set of your future grandchildren different than the others.
Click to expand...

Isn't that the truth?...I mean really...when you are growing up and you have something you either like or really don't like in life you vow to make sure you won't repeat the same things when you have the choice / responsibility to make...

I didn't have the best (by no means the worst )childhood growing up...but there are things I try to focus on as a parent that my mom and dad failed at...just to try to make sure my kids don't experience the same feelings...

I suppose eventually they have to deal with things on their own...shitty thing is trying to figure out when the time is right ha ha ha...

 
There are other possibilities.. Consider this hypothetical explanation:

Maybe he takes more care to remember your sister's stuff because he thinks only women care about such inane things. He may think that a sweet rifle and a hunting trip are way more awesome than a stupid toy for a small child. From that perspective, he would have no reason to think he's neglecting you.

If you had already made what is important to you clear, then this example falls apart, but I don't remember reading this in your post.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

TRENDING THREADS

Back
Top