- Nov 13, 2000
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MEMO CONCERNING DEFECATION PROTOCOL
It has come to my attention that when hygiene paper rolls are deployed in the company water closets,
they appear to get depleted at an exponential rate. Apparently employees have been using it in an
inappropriate manner, to moot some examples : noseblowing (get a HANDKERCHIEF) ; putting six feet of
it draped from the pan to the door, flushing and watching it get sucked in like a giant strand of spaghetti
(fun I know, but stop it); completely entwining oneself in it and staggering around the office moaning and
pretending to be a mummy (also fun, but again, very wasteful); feeding it to labrador puppies (also
unnecessary).
I'm afraid the company can no longer bear the brunt of the cost of this wasteful behaviour, therefore the
following guidelines need to be put in place. From now on toilet paper rationing will have to be enforced.
How? Simple.
I have liaised with a company (Faeces Resources) and they have advised on a suitable plan by which
each employee can receive the exact amount of bumwad they require. This plan, called the 5-Dump
Plan, is based on the monitoring of stools. I will appoint a stool monitor, who will examine stools after
they have been emitted, then they will hand out the requisite amount of paper tissue. Fundamentally
there are 5 varieties of excrement, the 5-Dump Plan takes this into consideration, and there is a
recommendation of the amount of bottomwipe, which the stool monitor can provide after dump assessment.
The following are the guidelines, containing a description of the dung-type and a recommended turdtissue allowance:
1) The McDonalds Chocolate Milkshake
This is of a totally liquid consistency, with no solidity involved at all it is a sign of a poor diet lacking in
fibre. It is not dissimilar to a warm McDonalds chocolate milkshake.
Recommendation: 8 sheets of 2-ply
2) The Spanish Splatter
Often the sign of having eaten too much paella, this is mainly like a viscous liquid, however with some
solid pieces, which, for example, could be picked up with a cocktail stick.
Recommendation: 6 sheets 2-ply
3) Greek Gravel
Rather like the truckles produced by a mountain goat in the greek highlands, this resembles a packet of
melting maltesers dropped in the pan.
Recommendation: 5 sheets 2-ply
4) Brownsea Island
The sort of choad you should be aiming for, a nice floating chocolate island, the sign of a well balanced diet.
Recommendation: 4 sheets of 1-ply
5) The Kirsk
A large submarine shaped excrement that molders at the bottom of the pan. Diet is nearly there, cut
down on those fatty foods to reach a bumwad saving 'brownsea island'.
Recommendation: 3 sheets 2-ply
Yuletide Log
I am aware of the impending festive period that's only a matter of weeks away. I am not a complete
scrooge, so every day of advent you will be provided with TEN sheets of 2-ply which should
accommodate all your defecating requirements.
I will also give a pack of TWO rolls of ANDREX to the person who is most economical.
I have also compiled a list of paper saving advice to help you:
1) A healthy diet - a low fat diet full of fibre is the way to happy bowel movements
2) Halfway house - make sure each movement is evenly crimped off, DON'T get let the movement stop
halfway as this is a surefire way to use too much paper.
3) When wiping make sure you lean forward the appropriate amount, otherwise the tissue may get stuck
in your sweaty bumcrease and tear causing clagnuts, skidmata and other irritations.
Above all, crapping should not just be a bodily function, it should be enjoyable too, so let's all have fun in there.
Thank you for your co-operation in this matter.
Happy Crapping
The Management
It has come to my attention that when hygiene paper rolls are deployed in the company water closets,
they appear to get depleted at an exponential rate. Apparently employees have been using it in an
inappropriate manner, to moot some examples : noseblowing (get a HANDKERCHIEF) ; putting six feet of
it draped from the pan to the door, flushing and watching it get sucked in like a giant strand of spaghetti
(fun I know, but stop it); completely entwining oneself in it and staggering around the office moaning and
pretending to be a mummy (also fun, but again, very wasteful); feeding it to labrador puppies (also
unnecessary).
I'm afraid the company can no longer bear the brunt of the cost of this wasteful behaviour, therefore the
following guidelines need to be put in place. From now on toilet paper rationing will have to be enforced.
How? Simple.
I have liaised with a company (Faeces Resources) and they have advised on a suitable plan by which
each employee can receive the exact amount of bumwad they require. This plan, called the 5-Dump
Plan, is based on the monitoring of stools. I will appoint a stool monitor, who will examine stools after
they have been emitted, then they will hand out the requisite amount of paper tissue. Fundamentally
there are 5 varieties of excrement, the 5-Dump Plan takes this into consideration, and there is a
recommendation of the amount of bottomwipe, which the stool monitor can provide after dump assessment.
The following are the guidelines, containing a description of the dung-type and a recommended turdtissue allowance:
1) The McDonalds Chocolate Milkshake
This is of a totally liquid consistency, with no solidity involved at all it is a sign of a poor diet lacking in
fibre. It is not dissimilar to a warm McDonalds chocolate milkshake.
Recommendation: 8 sheets of 2-ply
2) The Spanish Splatter
Often the sign of having eaten too much paella, this is mainly like a viscous liquid, however with some
solid pieces, which, for example, could be picked up with a cocktail stick.
Recommendation: 6 sheets 2-ply
3) Greek Gravel
Rather like the truckles produced by a mountain goat in the greek highlands, this resembles a packet of
melting maltesers dropped in the pan.
Recommendation: 5 sheets 2-ply
4) Brownsea Island
The sort of choad you should be aiming for, a nice floating chocolate island, the sign of a well balanced diet.
Recommendation: 4 sheets of 1-ply
5) The Kirsk
A large submarine shaped excrement that molders at the bottom of the pan. Diet is nearly there, cut
down on those fatty foods to reach a bumwad saving 'brownsea island'.
Recommendation: 3 sheets 2-ply
Yuletide Log
I am aware of the impending festive period that's only a matter of weeks away. I am not a complete
scrooge, so every day of advent you will be provided with TEN sheets of 2-ply which should
accommodate all your defecating requirements.
I will also give a pack of TWO rolls of ANDREX to the person who is most economical.
I have also compiled a list of paper saving advice to help you:
1) A healthy diet - a low fat diet full of fibre is the way to happy bowel movements
2) Halfway house - make sure each movement is evenly crimped off, DON'T get let the movement stop
halfway as this is a surefire way to use too much paper.
3) When wiping make sure you lean forward the appropriate amount, otherwise the tissue may get stuck
in your sweaty bumcrease and tear causing clagnuts, skidmata and other irritations.
Above all, crapping should not just be a bodily function, it should be enjoyable too, so let's all have fun in there.
Thank you for your co-operation in this matter.
Happy Crapping
The Management
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