Why do I feel bad when i tell someone off?

[JumBie]

Why do I feel like absolute crap, and guilty, when I put someone in their place? Like someone does something wrong and disrespectful for so long and I finally build up the courage to put them in their place and stop the bad behaviour, yet I feel bad?

I feel like I hurt their feelings, because they do seem hurt, as if they had no idea that what they were doing was wrong. The way they respond to me makes me feel like im the wrong one, and like I'm just an angry irritated person.

Oh my, now i know why I usually keep my mouth shut and let people run all over me, because im unable to hurt other peoples feelings.

 

[HamburgerBoy]

More details needed. Without that, it sounds like you're a frustrated beta male that doesn't stand up for himself, and in fact unlikely to speak much at all. When you've had enough and finally decide to speak your mind, your voice fails on you due to disuse, cracking embarrassingly and dashing any hopes of commanding authority or respect. Your coworkers now worry that you'll one day enter the office armed to the hilt, and everyone within three degrees of separation of those that overheard your pathetic outburst will now shun you (perhaps further than that with how gossip travels through social media). Thankfully, you have ATOT where like-minded manlets congregate and may support one another.

 

[BoomerD]

You must not be doing it right. I always enjoy "Boomerizing" someone...especially when they REALLY need it. (I don't enjoy having to do it...but when it's necessary, I take a special pleasure in doing it well)

 

[Hayabusa Rider]

I just look at people like they have ten heads then go back to ignoring them.

 

[TridenT]

I just look at people like they have ten heads then go back to ignoring them.

I don't get it...

 

[RichUK]

Stop being a pussy.

 

[inf1nity]

How old are you?

 

[Lepton87]

There's inherently nothing wrong with feeling bad about hurting people's feelings. There are too many jerks out there that enjoy doing that. Just put jerks in another category then people and the problem is solved.

 

[SSSnail]

A/S/L?

 

[Puppies04]

A/S/L?

Manlet/Not likely/Lonesville

 

[EliteRetard]

Like someone does something wrong and disrespectful for so long...

I feel like I hurt their feelings, because they do seem hurt, as if they had no idea that what they were doing was wrong.

I think that's your problem right there...

If you let somebody crap in your front yard for 15 years and then one day finally decide to slap them with a newspaper it's not surprising there would be an awkward moment.

If there's a serious issue you need to get it resolved asap. If you never tell them there's an issue and just let it go on people start to think it's O.K. or even normal. Once it's become normal/routine it can be very surprising to find out somebody had a serious issue with it for a long time.

 

[BikeJunkie]

Why do I feel like absolute crap, and guilty, when I put someone in their place? Like someone does something wrong and disrespectful for so long and I finally build up the courage to put them in their place and stop the bad behaviour, yet I feel bad?

I feel like I hurt their feelings, because they do seem hurt, as if they had no idea that what they were doing was wrong. The way they respond to me makes me feel like im the wrong one, and like I'm just an angry irritated person.

Oh my, now i know why I usually keep my mouth shut and let people run all over me, because im unable to hurt other peoples feelings.

It's characteristic of your personality type, most likely. You're probably very sensitive to people's feelings and how they perceive you, which makes you an easy target. When you get fed up and snap back, it's like the other side is meeting an entirely new person and they're shocked. You see the shock and feel responsible, which causes you to sink back into subservience.

Then the cycle repeats.

The trick is to carry yourself with dignity and self-respect at all times, but especially when you meet someone for the first time. If you're too eager to please, people will subconsciously think of you as their bitch. Then they'll take advantage of you. Then you'll snap at them.

Relationships like that are caustic. They're based on your subservience, which the other party comes to think of as a measure of how "nice" you are. When you stop being subservient, they perceive you as no longer being "nice."

It's fucked up, but demonstrates why an over-eagerness to please might gain you smiles and pseudo-friends in the short run, but failed relationships and frustration in the long run.

Source: my wise and beautiful woman sister

 

[JManInPhoenix]

The trick is to let most things go. Only when someone is being a complete douchebag do I unload on them and then it feels very satisfying. (Even though I am a petty asshole for doing it).

 

[BikeJunkie]

The trick is to let most things go. Only when someone is being a complete douchebag do I unload on them and then it feels very satisfying. (Even though I am a petty asshole for doing it).

I don't know, I used to think the same thing. But constantly letting things go is a recipe for a loss of self respect and leads to a bigger blow-up when it inevitably happens. There's nothing wrong with an expectation/demand of fair and reasonable treatment.

My sister is somewhat of a raging bitch, and I used to just roll with the punches. I didn't call enough. I didn't invite her over enough. Yadda yadda yadda. She never did any of those things either, but she saddled me with 100% of the responsibility for maintaining our relationship, and in the interest of keeping the peace, I let her do that.

Then she left me the wrong voicemail on the wrong day, and I just snapped. I called her back and calmly told her I was done taking her shit and done enabling her selfish behavior.

The next six months consisted of countless back and forth emails. Her telling me why I'm an asshole and how it was all my fault, and me trying to explain in factual easy-to-understand terms why she was being a hypocrite.

That was 4 years ago. When she didn't get her way over the course of those emails, she went for the jugular and attacked me personally with the harshest shit she could conjure. Frankly, she did me a favor. That relieved me of any and all guilt. Our relationship was all but ruined by that, but I'm actually a happier person not having such a dark cloud in my life.

The moral of the story is, some people just need to be put in their place and then put out to pasture. If they ever grow up you're free to welcome them back in, but if I've learned anything, it's that most people aren't capable of self-reflection. Be open and willing, but don't hold your breath

Now where's that "okay then" graphic? And yes, I do feel better!

 

[SandEagle]

I don't get it...

we know. hang in there though, you'll lose your V one day....

 

[JManInPhoenix]

I tend to have a short temper so I have forced myself to control as best I can. If the problem is minor letting it go usually works. If the person/problem is repetitive/ongoing/persistent, that is when I let loose with both barrels - in that case, it does feel good

 

[PliotronX]

we know. hang in there though, you'll lose your V one day....

 

[Tiamat]

Why do I feel like absolute crap, and guilty, when I put someone in their place? Like someone does something wrong and disrespectful for so long and I finally build up the courage to put them in their place and stop the bad behaviour, yet I feel bad?

I feel like I hurt their feelings, because they do seem hurt, as if they had no idea that what they were doing was wrong. The way they respond to me makes me feel like im the wrong one, and like I'm just an angry irritated person.

Oh my, now i know why I usually keep my mouth shut and let people run all over me, because im unable to hurt other peoples feelings.

For what appears to be your personality, you need to be a better teacher rather than a critic. Some people are just cut to be critics who don't feel bad about putting people in their place, more of an ego boost or sense of superiority. Others don't really seek any ego boost, so they just are better off trying to improve the education of the ignorant and/or confused.

Of course there are fools who can't be helped no matter what and regardless of your personality, you feel embarrassed at the fact that people can be so ridiculously stupid as to be beyond help or critique.

 

[EliteRetard]

YAY! LOLerskates...
Haven't seen those in years.

 

[monkeydelmagico]

Make it your mission to berate, belittle, insult, or otherwise be a douche to one person per day. Practice makes perfect. Only when you've mastered the attack will you understand how to properly defend.

 

[JumBie]

It's characteristic of your personality type, most likely. You're probably very sensitive to people's feelings and how they perceive you, which makes you an easy target. When you get fed up and snap back, it's like the other side is meeting an entirely new person and they're shocked. You see the shock and feel responsible, which causes you to sink back into subservience.

Then the cycle repeats.

The trick is to carry yourself with dignity and self-respect at all times, but especially when you meet someone for the first time. If you're too eager to please, people will subconsciously think of you as their bitch. Then they'll take advantage of you. Then you'll snap at them.

Relationships like that are caustic. They're based on your subservience, which the other party comes to think of as a measure of how "nice" you are. When you stop being subservient, they perceive you as no longer being "nice."

It's fucked up, but demonstrates why an over-eagerness to please might gain you smiles and pseudo-friends in the short run, but failed relationships and frustration in the long run.

Source: my wise and beautiful woman sister

You hit the head of the nail on that one. That seems like a direct example of who I am and how its effecting me. I do definitely need to be more assertive and dignified. I guess people take me as a "nice" guy because i let quite a few things slide. Well I think its time to turn it around, I shouldn't frown on myself for saying whats right, even if it hurts someones feelings.

And BTW, that story with your sister, yikes. Sorry to hear about it, but i guess it was for the better.

 

[Kaido]

Thankfully, you have ATOT where like-minded manlets congregate and may support one another.

+1 for Manlet Committee as the official daycrew name :biggrin:

 

[moonbogg]

Because objective moral values do not exist. Sometimes our empathy for others is triggered even when you think it shouldn't be.

 

[blackdogdeek]

Is it because deep down you felt there possibly might have been a better way to resolve the conflict without either party's feelings getting hurt? I don't know if this was particularly the case here, but maybe some part of you thinks it could have been.

 

[Ken g6]

Because you haven't had enough practice? :sneaky: