When should a person apologize?

[SaltBoy]

Originally posted by: ahurtt

Originally posted by: SaltBoy
I've had a recent paradigm shift in my thinking (uh oh!). I've determined to never apologize for anything that I do unless I deliberately do something that I know was wrong.

Uh ok, I think you have it exactly backwards. Why would you apologize for something you did deliberately? And if you already knew it was wrong before you did it, they why did you do it? That kind of apology is meaningless.

Read a few posts up for my response. I didn't fully clarify. Sure, if a person intentionally did something completely wrong, they most likely meant to do it and wouldn't apologize. However, if they saw the error of their ways, changed their mind, and realized they *were* wrong in the end, then they should apologize.

 

[yowolabi]

So when you do something that causes harm to somebody, but you didn't mean it, you're going to refuse to apologize? That's exactly the situation that apologies were made for. To let someone know it wasn't intentional and you regret doing it.

What are you going to do if you're walking down the street and you accidentally bump into someone? Are you just going to pretend it didnt happen? What will you say instead? I can see your new plan making you disliked by people you know and possibly get you into fights with people you don't know.

 

[Kelnoen]

Originally posted by: SaltBoy

Originally posted by: allisolm
You have to prepare the final quote to bid on doing a big project. Your company loses the contract because you accidently typed $200,000 instead of $20,000. You don't have to apologize because you didn't MEAN to do it, it just happened.

Yeah, I can see someone going far in life with this kind of philosophy. :roll:

If I told my boss the complete, honest truth after what happened and completely accept responsibility for my actions, then I doubt they would even need an apology.

"You totally screwed up that bid!! What do you have to say?!"

A. "I'm sorry"
B. "I take responsibility for my mistake and am going to rectify everything as much as I can right now."

Which answer would YOUR boss rather like to hear?

Option C: "I'm sorry, I take responsibility for my mistake and am going to rectify everything as much as I can right now."

 

[IceBergSLiM]

people that are secure in who they are don't appologize for who they are or what they do unless it is as you say....done deliberately

 

[ahurtt]

Originally posted by: SaltBoy

Originally posted by: ahurtt

Originally posted by: SaltBoy
I've had a recent paradigm shift in my thinking (uh oh!). I've determined to never apologize for anything that I do unless I deliberately do something that I know was wrong.

Uh ok, I think you have it exactly backwards. Why would you apologize for something you did deliberately? And if you already knew it was wrong before you did it, they why did you do it? That kind of apology is meaningless.

Read a few posts up for my response. I didn't fully clarify. Sure, if a person intentionally did something completely wrong, they most likely meant to do it and wouldn't apologize. However, if they saw the error of their ways, changed their mind, and realized they *were* wrong in the end, then they should apologize.

Well whatever. . .In general you should only apologize when. . .ready for this? Here's the kicker. . .when you really ARE sorry. I think the problem you have is in identifying when it really is appropriate that you should feel sorry. In your scenario where you gave choice A and B, why would it be so bad to tell your boss both A and B? I think they have a name for people like you. You meet these kinds of people every day. They're called a$$holes.

 

[SaltBoy]

Originally posted by: yowolabi
So when you do something that causes harm to somebody, but you didn't mean it, you're going to refuse to apologize? That's exactly the situation that apologies were made for. To let someone know it wasn't intentional and you regret doing it.

What are you going to do if you're walking down the street and you accidentally bump into someone? Are you just going to pretend it didnt happen? What will you say instead? I can see your new plan making you disliked by people you know and possibly get you into fights with people you don't know.

Okay, fine - people are used to hearing "I'm sorry", so if that keeps people from beating you up, then use it. I think the same effect can come from saying "My fault, pardon me" instead, but that's just me.

I completely agree that ignoring the person you accidentally bump into is rude and should result in you getting beat up. But I didn't say "don't ignore", I said "don't apologize." There's a difference.

 

[Rayden]

It is my policy to apologize for things that I wish I had not done. If I accidentally call the wrong number I will apologize because I had no intention of wasting that person's time and I want them to know that. It just seems rude to me to not give them that courtesy.

 

[clamum]

Originally posted by: DougK62
You sound like an ass. If you plow into an old lady at the grocery store because you didn't see her you won't apologize? Pathetic.

Yeah no doubt.

 

[IceBergSLiM]

Originally posted by: clamum

Originally posted by: DougK62
You sound like an ass. If you plow into an old lady at the grocery store because you didn't see her you won't apologize? Pathetic.

Yeah no doubt.

rule of thumb here should be would james bond or clint eastwood appologize now? If yes appologize.....if no do not.

 

[SaltBoy]

Originally posted by: ahurtt
Well whatever. . .In general you should only apologize when. . .ready for this? Here's the kicker. . .when you really ARE sorry. I think the problem you have is in identifying when it really is appropriate that you should feel sorry. In your scenario where you gave choice A and B, why would it be so bad to tell your boss both A and B? I think they have a name for people like you. You meet these kinds of people every day. They're called a$$holes.

It's called confidence and assertiveness. If you feel trampeled on by such people, then look within yourself and ask why. Stop being reactive and start being proactive.

 

[JSFLY]

Originally posted by: SaltBoy

Originally posted by: allisolm
You have to prepare the final quote to bid on doing a big project. Your company loses the contract because you accidently typed $200,000 instead of $20,000. You don't have to apologize because you didn't MEAN to do it, it just happened.

Yeah, I can see someone going far in life with this kind of philosophy. :roll:

If I told my boss the complete, honest truth after what happened and completely accept responsibility for my actions, then I doubt they would even need an apology.

"You totally screwed up that bid!! What do you have to say?!"

A. "I'm sorry"
B. "I take responsibility for my mistake and am going to rectify everything as much as I can right now."

Which answer would YOUR boss rather like to hear?

Uh Oh! Option B sounds like an apology to me. Doesn't matter what the textbook definition for apology is or what you think it may be. If I were on the receiving end of Option B, I would perceive that as an apology, as would many others I'm sure.

Looks like you've been caught self contradition! Looks like your ClintEastwood persona just turned into a Richard Simmons. You have some explaining to do Saltboy.

 

[SaltBoy]

Originally posted by: JSFLY

Originally posted by: SaltBoy
If I told my boss the complete, honest truth after what happened and completely accept responsibility for my actions, then I doubt they would even need an apology.

"You totally screwed up that bid!! What do you have to say?!"

A. "I'm sorry"
B. "I take responsibility for my mistake and am going to rectify everything as much as I can right now."

Which answer would YOUR boss rather like to hear?

Uh Oh! Option B sounds like an apology to me. Doesn't matter what the textbook definition for apology is or what you think it may be. If I were on the receiving end of Option B, I would perceive that as an apology, as would many others I'm sure.

Looks like you've been caught self contradition! Looks like your ClintEastwood persona just turned into a Richard Simmons. You have some explaining to do Saltboy.

Apologizing is not the same thing as taking responsibility for your actions.

/edit More clarification - from my new "paradigm", I see the words "I'm sorry" as a sign of weakness. I've been saying "I'm sorry" over and over again for 30 years and it hasn't done me a lick of good. All it's done is make people walk all over me and caused me to reflect.

Why should I make myself feel weak over something that I didn't intend to do? Everybody knows that each of us is human and will make simple, unintentional mistakes - ALL of us - so should others be offended and take my unintentional mistakes personally? Would they want ME to be offended and take THEIR unintentional mistakes personally?

 

[Chryso]

If you are male you should apologize.

 

[BrokenVisage]

I'm sorry, I don't know when a person should apologize, forgive me?

 

[IGBT]

Originally posted by: meltdown75
It's just too easy these days to slip in a little, "sorry 'bout that..." no matter what the issue. If it really hurts your pride to do so... well, it's not a negative thing by any means but you could be limiting your potential in various interpersonal relationships. ie. maybe once in a while someone is expecting an apology, such as your co-worker. You don't have to fall down crying and apologize profusely, but sometimes admitting a little bit of wrong on your part can give you better standing with the person in question.... just letting them know you are considerate.

I guess it's a pretty pragmatic view but I can never see anything bad coming of it.

As far as the hip-hop thing, well, you have your preferences and opinions on things like that and no one should have to apologize for those. I think it is more important the more personal the situation. Obviously you're not going to go around apologizing to every hip-hop supporter out there, that would just be silly. However if you were cruising in a car and your friend cranked some hip-hop, you could drop down something like, "I'm sorry but this music sucks ass."

Sorry to say this also but I liked the witch avatar better

..sorry may be a soothing word but it never helped anyone and all to often it's used to dismiss reckless and foolish behavior by people with an established "sorry" behaviorial profile.

 

[SaltBoy]

Originally posted by: meltdown75
Sorry to say this also but I liked the witch avatar better

Blame MisterJackson. He threw water on me.

 

[meltdown75]

Originally posted by: IGBT

Originally posted by: meltdown75
It's just too easy these days to slip in a little, "sorry 'bout that..." no matter what the issue. If it really hurts your pride to do so... well, it's not a negative thing by any means but you could be limiting your potential in various interpersonal relationships. ie. maybe once in a while someone is expecting an apology, such as your co-worker. You don't have to fall down crying and apologize profusely, but sometimes admitting a little bit of wrong on your part can give you better standing with the person in question.... just letting them know you are considerate.

I guess it's a pretty pragmatic view but I can never see anything bad coming of it.

As far as the hip-hop thing, well, you have your preferences and opinions on things like that and no one should have to apologize for those. I think it is more important the more personal the situation. Obviously you're not going to go around apologizing to every hip-hop supporter out there, that would just be silly. However if you were cruising in a car and your friend cranked some hip-hop, you could drop down something like, "I'm sorry but this music sucks ass."

Sorry to say this also but I liked the witch avatar better

..sorry may be a soothing word but it never helped anyone and all to often it's used to dismiss reckless and foolish behavior by people with an established "sorry" behaviorial profile.

I disagree. I think it has helped many people. Reckless and foolish behaviour eh? How about simply admitting a wrongdoing at the appropriate time? People that apologize once in a while might be grouped into a certain profile but obviously we disagree on which one.

Originally posted by: SaltBoy

Originally posted by: meltdown75
Sorry to say this also but I liked the witch avatar better

Blame MisterJackson. He threw water on me.

 

[yowolabi]

Originally posted by: SaltBoy

Originally posted by: yowolabi
So when you do something that causes harm to somebody, but you didn't mean it, you're going to refuse to apologize? That's exactly the situation that apologies were made for. To let someone know it wasn't intentional and you regret doing it.

What are you going to do if you're walking down the street and you accidentally bump into someone? Are you just going to pretend it didnt happen? What will you say instead? I can see your new plan making you disliked by people you know and possibly get you into fights with people you don't know.

Okay, fine - people are used to hearing "I'm sorry", so if that keeps people from beating you up, then use it. I think the same effect can come from saying "My fault, pardon me" instead, but that's just me.

I completely agree that ignoring the person you accidentally bump into is rude and should result in you getting beat up. But I didn't say "don't ignore", I said "don't apologize." There's a difference.

"Pardon me" is pretty much a synonym for "i'm sorry". "I'm sorry" is just a shortcut for saying "i take responsibility for the negative thing i did". "My fault" is also a synonym. "I regret doing that and will try not to do it again" is also a synonym.

If your problem is simply that you don't like the words "i'm sorry", and wish to replace them with words that will be perceived exactly the same way, but take longer to say..... then I say go for it.

You have not been walked on in your life for saying "i'm sorry" or for taking responsibilty for things you did wrong. So if you think eliminating that will fix some problem in your life, you're in for some disappointment.

 

[SaltBoy]

Originally posted by: yowolabi
You have not been walked on in your life for saying "i'm sorry" or for taking responsibilty for things you did wrong. So if you think eliminating that will fix some problem in your life, you're in for some disappointment.

You're right; more often, I've been taking responsibility for things that *other* people did wrong, just for the sake of making things all peaceful and nice for everybody else. Sure, making other people happy can make you happy, but if you're not making yourself happy at the same time, it's doing yourself a disservice.

This is just one part of a bunch of changes that I'm trying to make in my life.

 

[dabuddha]

Originally posted by: SaltBoy
I've had a recent paradigm shift in my thinking (uh oh!). I've determined to never apologize for anything that I do unless I deliberately do something that I know was wrong.

For example, I just barely made a phone call to a co-worker, thinking that my headset was attached to my phone. I didn't hear anything and hung up about thirty seconds later. I then checked my headset and realized that it wasn't plugged in all the way. Sure, I had made a mistake but didn't mean to leave my headset partially unplugged.
I called him back with the headset intact; both of us had a small laugh at my expense, but I made no apologies.

In another example, based on what I've seen, I think the hip-hop culture is a detriment to society. If somebody can prove me wrong with cold-hard facts, then I'll change my opinion. But even if that happens, I'll make no apologies for my previous opinion.

Now, if I were to lie to somebody or if I were to cause an accident when I am knowingly driving recklessly (e.g. excessively speeding), then yes, I would have to apologize for that.

We all do or think things that are flat-out wrong, but we shouldn't have to apologize for things we do or think that *aren't* wrong.

Discuss.

I don't think randomly slapping someone is wrong. So I shouldn't apologize to someone if I do it?

 

[chrisms]

If, by complete mistake, you stepped on a friend's pet gecko and squished it, I think one should apologize. Although it wasn't necesarrily your fault, that isn't the point of an apology. It is to say "I'm sorry that happened," or "I regret that it happened and if I could take it back I would." An apology isn't always an acceptance of responsibility.

 

[Toastedlightly]

Bump into someone it is excuse me. Sorry if for sammich makers.

 

[SaltBoy]

Originally posted by: dabuddha

Originally posted by: SaltBoy
I've had a recent paradigm shift in my thinking (uh oh!). I've determined to never apologize for anything that I do unless I deliberately do something that I know was wrong.

For example, I just barely made a phone call to a co-worker, thinking that my headset was attached to my phone. I didn't hear anything and hung up about thirty seconds later. I then checked my headset and realized that it wasn't plugged in all the way. Sure, I had made a mistake but didn't mean to leave my headset partially unplugged.
I called him back with the headset intact; both of us had a small laugh at my expense, but I made no apologies.

In another example, based on what I've seen, I think the hip-hop culture is a detriment to society. If somebody can prove me wrong with cold-hard facts, then I'll change my opinion. But even if that happens, I'll make no apologies for my previous opinion.

Now, if I were to lie to somebody or if I were to cause an accident when I am knowingly driving recklessly (e.g. excessively speeding), then yes, I would have to apologize for that.

We all do or think things that are flat-out wrong, but we shouldn't have to apologize for things we do or think that *aren't* wrong.

Discuss.

I don't think randomly slapping someone is wrong. So I shouldn't apologize to someone if I do it?

Even if it's truly flat-out wrong, you shouldn't apologize if you don't think it's wrong. Your apology would be hollow and lifeless, plus nobody would believe you.

 

[fitzov]

When behavior goes against norms? Is this a trick question?