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When I was a child my dad tried to force feed me...

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shortylickens

shortylickens

No Lifer
after many months my mother finally convinced my dad that he wasn't a Jedi.

--
It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London. A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets. The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland" he says "Discus" and in he walks. The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe, England" he says "Pole vault" and in he walks. The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland" he says "Fencing".
--
A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest "I'm pregnant". He asked "How did this happen, my child?" She said "I think it must be the second coming". The priest, shocked by this reply asked "What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?" She replied "Because I swallowed the first one..."
--
A man donates blood to his wife after she is badly injured in a car crash. A few years later they go through a bitter divorce and he demands his blood back, so she throws a tampon at him and says, "There you go you wise and beautiful woman, I'll pay you in monthly instalments". Moral of the story- A woman will eventually pay up what she owes, but there is always a string attached!
 
A third grade teacher asked her students to, one by one, stand in front of the class and tell what their Daddy’s do.

Little Mary went first, “My daddy is a doctor and he saves people’s lives”

“That’s wonderful Mary. Now how about you Jane, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail,” says Jane

“Very good Jane. Ok Johnny, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is dead” says Johnny

“Oh, I’m very sorry to hear that Johnny,” said the teacher, “what did he do before he died?”

“He turned blue and shit on the carpet”
 
Murphy, an Irish lad goes for a job interview for painting road markings by hand on the motorway. The foreman says "look son, I will give you a 1 day trial but I warn you, if you don't paint at least 4 miles of lines a day you will be sacked" With that he hands him a tin of road paint and a paint brush and sends him off to start work.

At the end of the day the foreman goes to check on Murphy's work and is amazed that he has completed almost 10 miles of lines, not wanting the lad to slow down he is easy on the priase but tells him he has a permanent job.

At the end of the second day he goes to check on murphy again but this time he has only completed 6 miles of lines, this is still a lot more than he was asked to do so he tells him "good job see you tomorrow".

At the end of the thrid day he goes to check on Murphy again and is shocked that the lad has only completed 1 mile of road markings. He pulls him to one side for a chat and says "What the hell is going on Murphy, the first day you completed 10 miles of lines, yesterday you did 6 miles, how come you have only done 1 mile today? This is totally unacceptable!. Murphy replies "I'm trying my hardest boss, but the bloody paint tin keeps getting further and further away!!!"
 
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."
 
shortylickens said:
after many months my mother finally convinced my dad that he wasn't a Jedi.

--
It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London. A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets. The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland" he says "Discus" and in he walks. The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe, England" he says "Pole vault" and in he walks. The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland" he says "Fencing".
--
A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest "I'm pregnant". He asked "How did this happen, my child?" She said "I think it must be the second coming". The priest, shocked by this reply asked "What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?" She replied "Because I swallowed the first one..."
--
A man donates blood to his wife after she is badly injured in a car crash. A few years later they go through a bitter divorce and he demands his blood back, so she throws a tampon at him and says, "There you go you wise and beautiful woman, I'll pay you in monthly instalments". Moral of the story- A woman will eventually pay up what she owes, but there is always a string attached!
Click to expand...

noooooooo you doing it wrong


When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.

After a while, my mum said, "Just use a fucking spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."

The Ku Klux Klan.
Worth joining just to find out the name of the brilliant washing powder they use.

-----------------

I'm now branching out from writing shit jokes to movie reviews....
Today I watched the film Limitless. Limitless stars Bradley Cooper as Eddie Morra. Morra the main protagonist takes a pill, a pill which quadruples his IQ, allows him to learn several languages and acquire an immensely greater comprehension of the world in which he lives......

Basically, some American fucker takes a pill, then he evolves into a European.



------------------


Peaches Geldof has over 120,000 people following her on Twitter.

She's a bit like Jesus. Relying on her Dad's fame, to get more followers. I like this!


--------------------------------

Having a girl with a tattoo on the back of her neck is much like having a bathroom with a magazine in it -

It gives you something to read while you're in the shitter.
 
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