Inspector Jihad
Lifer
- Apr 17, 2005
- 13,465
- 3
- 81
one of my friends from college, who I roomed with for 2 years, told everyone that I watch him while he sleeps every night, all creepy like.
he'll admit to me in private that he's just screwing around, but to this day, he still tells people in public that I watched him in his sleep when we lived together
he'll admit to me in private that he's just screwing around, but to this day, he still tells people in public that I watched him in his sleep when we lived together
Here are a couple of mine. Not really embarrassing, but funny nonetheless. I tried to tone them down for the masses...
When I was in college, I was in Alpha Chi Sigma, a professional chemistry fraternity. One year we decided to stage a fundraising basketball tournament between various other chapters of Alpha Chi Sigma. The tournament was held at another univeristy, and so we needed to arrange for accomodations for about 25 people. Well, we ended up staying in the one of the local fraternity houses. The first night there, everyone got incredibly drunk and my friend Eric passed out on the floor. Later my friend Dan came in, stumbling around in the dark piss drunk and muttering about having to take a wiz. He drops trow right over where Eric is lying down, and starts peeing on him. Eric wakes up in the middle of this, and Furiously yells "DUDE! PUT THAT THING AWAY!" That story comes up just about every time I see Eric now, which is ~1-2 times a year.
During my sophomore year of college, a bunch of my friends and I decided to go to spring break in panama city. We had no money, so we decided to split 1 hotel room between ~10 people. The rule for the week was if you passed out in the room with your shoes on, you were going to get messed with. Well, about the third night we were there two of my friends Shawn and Steve (who happen to be identical twins) got loaded at Sharky's, the bar right next to our hotel. They made there way back to the room, but passed out with their shoes on. Shane, one of my other friends, laid Shawn down on his back, and then arranged Steve on top of Shawn like they were cuddling. Shane even moved Steve's hand so it looked like he was feeling up his own brother. Some pics were snapped...
Ok, last one. After I graduated from college, I moved back to my hometown. A bunch of my college buddies lived down the street from me in a really nice townhouse. One night they had a party, and this guy John was there. I had never met John before, but it didn't ta ke me very long to realize that I did not like him. Oddly enough, it turns out that noone at the party really knew him or liked him, so it was odd that he was even at the party. Anyways, John got s-faced drunk, and ended up passed out on a couch. At this point I left the party, so everything after this is 2nd hand knowledge (although I've seen pics that corroborate the story). Apparently the party went on for quite a while after I left and John passed out on the couch, and during this time John apparently stripped down until he was almost barea$$ naked on the couch (still drunk and passed out, mind you). Well, my friends Scott and Dan decided to mess with him. Now bear in mind that Scott and Dan are pretty messed up, so they didn't do something relatively normal like put John's hand in a glass of water or something like that so he would mess himself while sleeping. No,, they decided to stick chopsticks in Johns buttcrack, sprinkle his butt with parmesan cheese, and take pictures of it. John remained passed out through this ordeal. After that the party ended and my friends went to sleep. When they woke up, the chopsticks were broken on the couch and John was gone. We never heard or saw him again.
When I was in college, I was in Alpha Chi Sigma, a professional chemistry fraternity. One year we decided to stage a fundraising basketball tournament between various other chapters of Alpha Chi Sigma. The tournament was held at another univeristy, and so we needed to arrange for accomodations for about 25 people. Well, we ended up staying in the one of the local fraternity houses. The first night there, everyone got incredibly drunk and my friend Eric passed out on the floor. Later my friend Dan came in, stumbling around in the dark piss drunk and muttering about having to take a wiz. He drops trow right over where Eric is lying down, and starts peeing on him. Eric wakes up in the middle of this, and Furiously yells "DUDE! PUT THAT THING AWAY!" That story comes up just about every time I see Eric now, which is ~1-2 times a year.
During my sophomore year of college, a bunch of my friends and I decided to go to spring break in panama city. We had no money, so we decided to split 1 hotel room between ~10 people. The rule for the week was if you passed out in the room with your shoes on, you were going to get messed with. Well, about the third night we were there two of my friends Shawn and Steve (who happen to be identical twins) got loaded at Sharky's, the bar right next to our hotel. They made there way back to the room, but passed out with their shoes on. Shane, one of my other friends, laid Shawn down on his back, and then arranged Steve on top of Shawn like they were cuddling. Shane even moved Steve's hand so it looked like he was feeling up his own brother. Some pics were snapped...
Ok, last one. After I graduated from college, I moved back to my hometown. A bunch of my college buddies lived down the street from me in a really nice townhouse. One night they had a party, and this guy John was there. I had never met John before, but it didn't ta ke me very long to realize that I did not like him. Oddly enough, it turns out that noone at the party really knew him or liked him, so it was odd that he was even at the party. Anyways, John got s-faced drunk, and ended up passed out on a couch. At this point I left the party, so everything after this is 2nd hand knowledge (although I've seen pics that corroborate the story). Apparently the party went on for quite a while after I left and John passed out on the couch, and during this time John apparently stripped down until he was almost barea$$ naked on the couch (still drunk and passed out, mind you). Well, my friends Scott and Dan decided to mess with him. Now bear in mind that Scott and Dan are pretty messed up, so they didn't do something relatively normal like put John's hand in a glass of water or something like that so he would mess himself while sleeping. No,, they decided to stick chopsticks in Johns buttcrack, sprinkle his butt with parmesan cheese, and take pictures of it. John remained passed out through this ordeal. After that the party ended and my friends went to sleep. When they woke up, the chopsticks were broken on the couch and John was gone. We never heard or saw him again.
That was way too long for me to really read but I did anyway.
I second the motion for more charlie stories except lets keep them in a cliff notes version.
I second the motion for more charlie stories except lets keep them in a cliff notes version.
Honestly, well, I don't hang out with him anymore, but he wasn't a BAD kid, he was just...kinda douchey.
Alright I got some work to do but I'll post more stories later
Here?s one from playing Madden with Charlie. We?ve played probably 300-400 games of Madden, and other than the few that I intentionally have thrown to him I?ve won every SINGLE game. He refuses to learn any strategies, and literally CRIES sometimes when I beat him. If he doesn?t cry, he definitely will throw a tantrum and smash his controller on the ground and jump up and down on it . I only played him so that I wouldn?t be rusty if I played other friends.
Anyway, one time I?m beating him by 7 or 8 scores, and he decides to pull his entire starting offensive line and put 2nd and 3rd stringers in. After a couple of series he pauses the game then goes to instant replay to see who was playing right tackle on his offensive line. He highlights him and says ?I?m giving him a contract extension. It?s a blowout, but he?s not giving up, he?s still playing with heart..he?s got attitude? He wasn?t kidding. I started to explain that it?s a video game?but he?d have none of it. Also I had stopped blitzing on that side since the linebacker on that side had 11 or 12 sacks and I wanted to get my other outside linebacker some stats so I was blitzing from that side instead.
We had to adjust the game settings so that interceptions were set as low as possible otherwise I?d have 12-15 interceptions PER GAME. He?d manage to overthrow a receiver by 20-25 yards (because usually he?d make the receiver take a flying dive as soon as he would throw the ball for some reason) and hit one of my safeties in the numbers. He?d then start screaming and crying ?THAT WAS PASS INTERFERENCE??he?d then go to the replay and bring it to a random point and say ?right there. That?s pass interference.? Usually none of my guys would be within 3 or 4 yards of his receiver.
Anyway, one time I?m beating him by 7 or 8 scores, and he decides to pull his entire starting offensive line and put 2nd and 3rd stringers in. After a couple of series he pauses the game then goes to instant replay to see who was playing right tackle on his offensive line. He highlights him and says ?I?m giving him a contract extension. It?s a blowout, but he?s not giving up, he?s still playing with heart..he?s got attitude? He wasn?t kidding. I started to explain that it?s a video game?but he?d have none of it. Also I had stopped blitzing on that side since the linebacker on that side had 11 or 12 sacks and I wanted to get my other outside linebacker some stats so I was blitzing from that side instead.
We had to adjust the game settings so that interceptions were set as low as possible otherwise I?d have 12-15 interceptions PER GAME. He?d manage to overthrow a receiver by 20-25 yards (because usually he?d make the receiver take a flying dive as soon as he would throw the ball for some reason) and hit one of my safeties in the numbers. He?d then start screaming and crying ?THAT WAS PASS INTERFERENCE??he?d then go to the replay and bring it to a random point and say ?right there. That?s pass interference.? Usually none of my guys would be within 3 or 4 yards of his receiver.
Azurik
Platinum Member
- Jan 23, 2002
- 2,206
- 12
- 81
This happened like 12 years ago. I had just moved into a new neighborhood and was making friends with all the kids that lived there. One of my new friends, Jeff, was with me one lazy summary afternoon. We went to the house directly across from me to play whiffle ball with Chris, who was a bit younger than us.
Well, we're playing whiffle ball, having a grand 'ole time, when Chris noticed a freshly used condom in his yard. Jeff and I quickly concluded that it was probably some young couple who stopped by a dead-end neighborhood to get it on under the romantic moonlight had thrown away the utility after the session was over. Chris, however, was fascinated and thought it was a balloon. Jeff agreed with his logic to see where it would go. Chris asked what the yellowish stuff was in there (it turns yellow once it gets old/stale... whatever). Jeff said it was probably from the rain and it was nothing.
In a classic moment, Chris said, "This balloon is thick, I bet it will be huge!"
In one move, he tilted the condom up over his head and started blowing. There wasn't a big baloon that day, just some small boy who swallowed something else.
And if you guys are wondering, yes, everyone had a sit down with our parents. Lock it down to being young and stupid.
Well, we're playing whiffle ball, having a grand 'ole time, when Chris noticed a freshly used condom in his yard. Jeff and I quickly concluded that it was probably some young couple who stopped by a dead-end neighborhood to get it on under the romantic moonlight had thrown away the utility after the session was over. Chris, however, was fascinated and thought it was a balloon. Jeff agreed with his logic to see where it would go. Chris asked what the yellowish stuff was in there (it turns yellow once it gets old/stale... whatever). Jeff said it was probably from the rain and it was nothing.
In a classic moment, Chris said, "This balloon is thick, I bet it will be huge!"
In one move, he tilted the condom up over his head and started blowing. There wasn't a big baloon that day, just some small boy who swallowed something else.
And if you guys are wondering, yes, everyone had a sit down with our parents. Lock it down to being young and stupid.
Atomic Playboy
Lifer
- Feb 6, 2007
- 16,432
- 1
- 81
Doesn't everyone have a friend like this? I can't believe people calling shens (then again, I know some f-ed up people, so maybe I'm not the best judge).
One of my good friends, guy I grew up with, I've known him since I was 8, is the same way. You can't take him out in public. He's the guy that will stare at women as they walk by, making no effort to hide that he is looking directly at their ass, then start yelling while they're still in earshot (WOOOO-WEEE! and the like). He has no concept of basic civil decency.
One moment stands out. I'm hanging out with this guy and another friend I've known my whole life (John, name changed to protect the innocent). We're chilling, just playing video games. My douche friend (let's call him Charlie, not his name) randomly flips out and starts saying he's addicted to marijuana and needs to find some to smoke. After about 45 minutes, John and I are sick of it, so we're like, the hell with this, let's go rent a movie, maybe Charlie will shut up.
It's a nice night, so we figure we'll walk (the movie store is fairly close). Charlie is staying quiet, which is a nice change. Out of nowhere, Charlie gets the bright idea to pick up a handful of gravel off a parking strip and throw it, full force, at an apartment complex. John and I were understandably confused as to what happened, but when the lights came on and someone started hollering profanity, it became abundantly clear that Charlie had just whipped gravel through some stranger's window for no reason. Now I find myself, a grown man, well on my way to earning a degree, running down a dark street because my douchebag friend commits petty vandalism when he's bored.
The best part? I still hang out with Charlie.
One of my good friends, guy I grew up with, I've known him since I was 8, is the same way. You can't take him out in public. He's the guy that will stare at women as they walk by, making no effort to hide that he is looking directly at their ass, then start yelling while they're still in earshot (WOOOO-WEEE! and the like). He has no concept of basic civil decency.
One moment stands out. I'm hanging out with this guy and another friend I've known my whole life (John, name changed to protect the innocent). We're chilling, just playing video games. My douche friend (let's call him Charlie, not his name) randomly flips out and starts saying he's addicted to marijuana and needs to find some to smoke. After about 45 minutes, John and I are sick of it, so we're like, the hell with this, let's go rent a movie, maybe Charlie will shut up.
It's a nice night, so we figure we'll walk (the movie store is fairly close). Charlie is staying quiet, which is a nice change. Out of nowhere, Charlie gets the bright idea to pick up a handful of gravel off a parking strip and throw it, full force, at an apartment complex. John and I were understandably confused as to what happened, but when the lights came on and someone started hollering profanity, it became abundantly clear that Charlie had just whipped gravel through some stranger's window for no reason. Now I find myself, a grown man, well on my way to earning a degree, running down a dark street because my douchebag friend commits petty vandalism when he's bored.
The best part? I still hang out with Charlie.
NikolaeVarius
Lifer
- Oct 25, 2006
- 11,036
- 11
- 91
I know a guy is is literally the highest guy you would ever meet. He is high 24/7. He supposedly straight, but he slept with a guy.
So we have a mass gathering at our school and we go to a camping hotel kind of place. One night, he steals a huge bottle of Tabasco sauce from the kitchen and brings it to my room where there are 10 other guys. On a five dollar dare, he drank the ENTIRE thing in a 30 seconds period. 10 Minutes later, he was vomiting his whole stomach out. But he said he would do again for another five bucks.
On a side not, one of the guys streaked past the entire girls cabin. That was fun.
So we have a mass gathering at our school and we go to a camping hotel kind of place. One night, he steals a huge bottle of Tabasco sauce from the kitchen and brings it to my room where there are 10 other guys. On a five dollar dare, he drank the ENTIRE thing in a 30 seconds period. 10 Minutes later, he was vomiting his whole stomach out. But he said he would do again for another five bucks.
On a side not, one of the guys streaked past the entire girls cabin. That was fun.
he was 18, turning 19, she was only 16. I forgot to inquire of her age. I asked my friend repeatedly to get her number, like 'who cares.'
I didn't find out until he told me in the car, "she's only 16." I was like, oh man, I'm sorry. After that I was feelin' kind of stupid. I was telling myself why he resisted after all the crap I was trying to tell him.
was my friend's 21st birthday during the time, just a few months ago.
--
I call back a girl on the phone who's my friend. her other friend picks up, and I think it's her. I talk to her like it's my friend who owns the phone. and then when she finally gets on the phone, she's like... "did you know you were talking to so and so?" I was like, omg, I just called the both of them, "evil." and it took me a while to get over it.
I didn't find out until he told me in the car, "she's only 16." I was like, oh man, I'm sorry. After that I was feelin' kind of stupid. I was telling myself why he resisted after all the crap I was trying to tell him.
was my friend's 21st birthday during the time, just a few months ago.
--
I call back a girl on the phone who's my friend. her other friend picks up, and I think it's her. I talk to her like it's my friend who owns the phone. and then when she finally gets on the phone, she's like... "did you know you were talking to so and so?" I was like, omg, I just called the both of them, "evil." and it took me a while to get over it.
Ooooohhh, now what do I have that's acceptable at ATOT...
Once, after unusual amounts of alcohol and meth, 'Kevin' strolled angrily up to some cops outside a club and shouted "arrest me!"...
The cop said - "what boy?"
Kevin said - "isn't that what you ****** pigs do? ****** arrest people for no reason? fvck you!" etc.
The cop said - "Oh yea son, and what have you done that we would arrest you for?"
Kevin opened his mouth.
At this point, fearing a list of things we had done even in the last *week* would land us both in a very bad place, I was forced to physically silence him.
Once, after unusual amounts of alcohol and meth, 'Kevin' strolled angrily up to some cops outside a club and shouted "arrest me!"...
The cop said - "what boy?"
Kevin said - "isn't that what you ****** pigs do? ****** arrest people for no reason? fvck you!" etc.
The cop said - "Oh yea son, and what have you done that we would arrest you for?"
Kevin opened his mouth.
At this point, fearing a list of things we had done even in the last *week* would land us both in a very bad place, I was forced to physically silence him.
My old roommate literally sh|t in his room, his closet, puked in his shoes and went back to sleep. The next morning(afternoon) when I woke up the whole apt smelled of crap, vomit and lysol. When our friends came over he tried to act like nothing happened, so I embarrassed him and let everyone know what he did.
S Freud
Diamond Member
- Apr 25, 2005
- 4,755
- 1
- 81
when I was in high school there was a kid(Nick) that always did exactly what everyone else did, agreed with us on everything no matter how wrong we were. The group of us that would hang out, we played sports together and had known each other for a while. Nick would follow us every where, never taking a hint on how mean we were to him. We could get him to do anything, as long as one of us was doing it he thought he was acting "cool."
So one day after lunch I turn to a friend and said "start doing the chicken dance and see if Nick starts doing it too." My buddy gives me this WTF look and just starts doing it, some people get laughing at him. Nick thinks he'll get some good attention and righ on que jumps in and starts doing the chicken dance also.
From that day on anytime he would agree with us, do whatever we were doing or just be annoying us in general we refered to it as "chicken dancing."
Not that I need to point it out, but that kid was a major douche.
So one day after lunch I turn to a friend and said "start doing the chicken dance and see if Nick starts doing it too." My buddy gives me this WTF look and just starts doing it, some people get laughing at him. Nick thinks he'll get some good attention and righ on que jumps in and starts doing the chicken dance also.
From that day on anytime he would agree with us, do whatever we were doing or just be annoying us in general we refered to it as "chicken dancing."
Not that I need to point it out, but that kid was a major douche.
Every year, the Company I work for has a national training where they'll send about 1,000 people somewhere for a week and have class every day from 8:30-6pm. Everybody treats this training like Spring break, and each night, everybody goes out on the town and gets wasted.
Anyways, one of my friends is standing at the urinal the next day after a whole night of drinking, and "lets one fly" while he's standing there...thinking, "hmm, that felt kinda weird". Didn't think anymore of it, washed his hands, and went back to class. He walks into class, sits down at his chair, happens to look down at his thigh area, and sees that there is a stream of wetness down his pants, from crotch to knee. He jumped up, bolted out the door, and sprinted back to his room.
Yes, he'd sh*t his pants.
Anyways, one of my friends is standing at the urinal the next day after a whole night of drinking, and "lets one fly" while he's standing there...thinking, "hmm, that felt kinda weird". Didn't think anymore of it, washed his hands, and went back to class. He walks into class, sits down at his chair, happens to look down at his thigh area, and sees that there is a stream of wetness down his pants, from crotch to knee. He jumped up, bolted out the door, and sprinted back to his room.
Yes, he'd sh*t his pants.
Originally posted by: b0mbrman
Yes, when I was in basic training, quite a few of my platoon-mates got letters addressed in ways to get them in trouble.
Good times
I wish I would have known that while my friend was in basic. I'd have written him weekly.
Here's another one from Charlie.
Anytime someone told that kid a joke, or showed him a funny video, he repeated it CONSTANTLY right after hearing it. If it was a joke he had just been told, he'd usually tell the joke to the person who JUST told him the ****** joke in the first place, MULTIPLE TIMES. I remember i made the mistake of showing him the juggernaut video....oh ****** ****** that was a mistake. For the next 3 hours we hung out he just kept saying 'IM THE JUGGERNAUT BITCH' and then laughing to himself like HE had made up the jokes in the video.
Anytime someone told that kid a joke, or showed him a funny video, he repeated it CONSTANTLY right after hearing it. If it was a joke he had just been told, he'd usually tell the joke to the person who JUST told him the ****** joke in the first place, MULTIPLE TIMES. I remember i made the mistake of showing him the juggernaut video....oh ****** ****** that was a mistake. For the next 3 hours we hung out he just kept saying 'IM THE JUGGERNAUT BITCH' and then laughing to himself like HE had made up the jokes in the video.
Heres mine (names changed to protect the idiots)
Theres a mexican restaurant near my house that me and some friends have been going to on thursdays for the last 2 years or so off and on since they have half priced margaritas. Weve taken down a few pitchers and its nearing the end of the night when the table next to us get these gigantic margaritas (which I believe are just pitchers in an oversized margarita glass). Bob bets charlie that you couldnt take one down in less than 30 minutes and says hell pay his tab if he does. Charlie has been known to eat stuff like dog food for money so he jumps on it without even thinking and orders a jumbo margarita on the rocks. He knocks down half in about 7 minutes or so and you can slowly see him getting drunker and drunker. He starts yelling out "this is how I roll byatches" as only a dorky, drunk, white suburban guy can do. Hes done with the entire thing in just over 20 minutes. Then the heavy breathing and drooling start. Wipes that all in his hair. I get up to use the bathroom so we can get the hell out of there since I can see it coming and Matt comes running in as im finishing up yelling that Charlie just puked. I run out there and sure enough hes loaded up the table with margarita and chicken enchilada. So I tell Charlie we gotta go and he gets up but his knees dont work so well anymore. He falls back and nails his head on the chair behind him.
I really wish this wasnt the first time hes puked on himself at a restaurant
Theres a mexican restaurant near my house that me and some friends have been going to on thursdays for the last 2 years or so off and on since they have half priced margaritas. Weve taken down a few pitchers and its nearing the end of the night when the table next to us get these gigantic margaritas (which I believe are just pitchers in an oversized margarita glass). Bob bets charlie that you couldnt take one down in less than 30 minutes and says hell pay his tab if he does. Charlie has been known to eat stuff like dog food for money so he jumps on it without even thinking and orders a jumbo margarita on the rocks. He knocks down half in about 7 minutes or so and you can slowly see him getting drunker and drunker. He starts yelling out "this is how I roll byatches" as only a dorky, drunk, white suburban guy can do. Hes done with the entire thing in just over 20 minutes. Then the heavy breathing and drooling start. Wipes that all in his hair. I get up to use the bathroom so we can get the hell out of there since I can see it coming and Matt comes running in as im finishing up yelling that Charlie just puked. I run out there and sure enough hes loaded up the table with margarita and chicken enchilada. So I tell Charlie we gotta go and he gets up but his knees dont work so well anymore. He falls back and nails his head on the chair behind him.
I really wish this wasnt the first time hes puked on himself at a restaurant
novasatori
Diamond Member
- Feb 27, 2003
- 3,851
- 1
- 0
One night while departing a party, we were downtown in a parking lot at like 3AM, we were all like 18-19, about five of us. This homeless guy comes riding up on a bicycle with a flat rear tire and asks if we can spare any money so he can get new tire. My friend "Charlie" started talking to this guy very condescendingly and the guy was like over 40, so it was pretty rude. Long story short he made the dude go buy us (minors) alcohol for money to get a new tire, and treated him like crap.
I gave the dude an extra $10 for having to put up with the douche-bagness of "Charlie".
I gave the dude an extra $10 for having to put up with the douche-bagness of "Charlie".
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