What would you do in this situation? Gf related.

[BD2003]

Originally posted by: shimsham

Originally posted by: BD2003

Originally posted by: shimsham
have a sit down chat with the mother. get it all out in the open, then go from there. nothing gets solved when no one can be upfront.

i understand it may be uncomfortable coming from different backgrounds, but you got to get over that if you love this girl. as long as you know your girl loves you, and you two have a good relationship, ignore the mothers judment. also, it seems your girl needs to stand up to her mom. 20yo and shes not allowed to come to your place? wtf?

kudos for bettering yourself. how someone lives and treats others is what really matters, but poverty sucks too. one generation at a time, and youll be the trumps before you know it.

I honestly dont care about her mothers judgement, because I know she doesnt agree with it. But that doesnt make it any easier for me to be in the same room with her.

She does need to stand up to her mom, but she's afraid of her. Shes "allowed" to come to my place, but it only makes her mom dislike me even more because I'm not rolling up there in a benz. She certainly couldnt stay the night.

sounds like its more trouble than its worth. might be time to re-evaluate the relationship. do want to marry this girl? and if your girl loves you, why isnt she willing to step out so you two can be togehter?

thats hard tho. a lot easier said than done, unfortunatly.

Its not time to re-evaluate the relationship. I can see myself with her in the future for a long time, but we're both too young to be talking about marriage right now.

I dont know if she's willing or not...I havent even asked her yet. Even though its ten million times better the two of us to be here and not there, she still expects me to come see her.

I am nothing but cordial around her mom already. Like I said before, when its face to face, its all lovely dovey between us, on the outside. But I know how she feels, and I know she doesnt want me there.

 

[eakers]

you know what you have to do to make her happy. its your choice.

 

[BD2003]

Originally posted by: DearQT

Originally posted by: BD2003
Cliff notes:
1) Her mom thinks I suck in every way
2) Shes still in college on winter vacation and we want to see each other
3) I cant deal with the ego blow anymore of going to her house
4) Wtf can I do?

NO PICS! Dont even ask.

Geez, I feel like I'm stuck in meet the parents. I'm nothing but a good bf to her, I treat her with the utmost love and respect, but I just can't win when it comes to her parents. Not to mention I live in the city and she's a rich girl from long island. 😛

Wow! Believe me, BD2003, it's a lost cause when the mother of your gf won't accept you and already has negative impressions of you. In the mean time, out of respect for her, do not even visit her home. Mothers that usually behave this way do not appreciate the guys visiting their homes. However, do visit your gf and have her meet with you elsewhere. As a gesture, ask your gf to extend greetings to her mom.

However, as soon as you can, you should attempt to mend this. There are three ways I could think of:

1. Hope that something drastic happens in your gf's mother's life to make her rethink her relationship with everyone. If something drastic happens, then you'll suddenly see her be too nice to you and accepting.

2. Talk to her daughter about mending her relationship with her mother to the extent of convincing her mom that you're a good guy. Ugh, this one is hopeless!

3. Get creative. Come up with something you could do to win the mother's heart. This is difficult, except if, for example, something beyond her daughter's control happens to her daughter and you prove yourself there (e.g., helping her daughter or rescuing her).

Wow! I would give up on things like these, having witnessed how it ends for many guys whose SOs' mothers didn't accept. It just never seems to work, even when she continues to see him--in spite of her mother's objection. However, if the relationship must continue, then you can only hope for a chance or just spite her mother. The latter is quite a difficult relationship to hold. I'm not sure you want to go that route because it hardly succeeds.

As much as I might love someone, I'm afraid it cannot work when there's no good environment to foster it. And in that case, I would rather save myself from the stress. If it's meant to be, there'll be another chance.... I'm not sure I've made sense, but I wish you good luck!

This is also a concern for me. From one adult to another, knowing that she doesnt like me, and knowing she doesnt want me there, I feel that out of respect I shouldnt even be there.

She is right when she says her mom is starting to lighten up since her messy divorce is over. And I'm not worried that her mom wont ever like me...shes just got a very bad FALSE impression of me, and I dont feel like I should even step into her driveway unless I'm stepping out of my own car first.

I'd definitely say we should meet somewhere, but the plain and simple fact is that without a car, there is nowhere for us to go but the city, where I live. There is absolutely nowhere on LI we could be without one.

I'm not worried about her mom in the future. I'm not really worried about her mom at all. I just dont want to deal with it right now...

 

[BD2003]

Originally posted by: eakers
you know what you have to do to make her happy. its your choice.

Just a question to the ladies...is there ever a time when its alright for you to make a sacrifice to make us happy?

 

Hey BD2003, believe me: It will affect your relationship [with your gf] for as long as your gf's mother does not accept you. It's like a volcano, I guess.

So has this been going on for the entire year(s) of your relationship? 😕 If so, how did you survive it for a whole year plus?

Originally posted by: BD2003

Originally posted by: eakers
you know what you have to do to make her happy. its your choice.

Just a question to the ladies...is there ever a time when its alright for you to make a sacrifice to make us happy?

I would make a sacrifice for any man who proves himself worthy of my sacrifice ... and that of course entails that he himself must have made or demonstrated willingness to make a sacrifice for me, and for our relationship.

 

[BD2003]

Originally posted by: DearQT
Hey BD2003, believe me: It will affect your relationship [with your gf] for as long as your gf's mother does not accept you. It's like a volcano, I guess.

So has this been going on for the entire year(s) of your relationship? 😕 If so, how did you survive it for a whole year plus?

Originally posted by: BD2003

Originally posted by: eakers
you know what you have to do to make her happy. its your choice.

Just a question to the ladies...is there ever a time when its alright for you to make a sacrifice to make us happy?

I would make a sacrifice for any man who proves himself worthy of my sacrifice ... and that of course entails that he himself must have made or demonstrated willingness to make a sacrifice for me, and for our relationship.

I survived partially because she's in college 3/4 of the year, and partially because ive ALWAYS sucked it up. I love her that much. I used to come out to LI some days, and stay with her until 1 in the morning. The last train was at 11:48, and I'd have to wait until 4:30 in the morning alone in the cold at the train station, just to catch the train that would get me home at 7:30 in the morning.

When her car got wrecked after coming out to see me, her mom somehow managed to blame me for it, even though I wasnt even in the car. Just the fact that her daughter came out to see me was enough to make it my fault, because I'm supposed to not let her do anything on her own. I'm expected to be the perfect gentleman 100% of the time, and drive her around everywhere. I'm sure it has a lot to do with the fact that she'll find anything to use against me. For the next month, every time I came to see her, I'd call cabs left and right to get us anywhere. By the time the night was over, I'd spent something like $40-50 on transportation.

Its always been "if she knew you, she'd like you", but I'm not convinced of that anymore. Ive never liked going to her place but I've always done it. Just this once, I want to be spared the ego blow. I'm just not sure if thats too much to ask.

 

Originally posted by: BD2003
Its always been "if she knew you, she'd like you", but I'm not convinced of that anymore. Ive never liked going to her place but I've always done it. Just this once, I want to be spared the ego blow. I'm just not sure if thats too much to ask.

Well, BD2003, I just reread your original post. I need clarification here: Does the mother ever say these things in front of you or not? After rereading your original post, it appears you are saying that your gf acts as the middleman communicating what her mom says about you to you.

If that is the case and the mom's never directly belittled you, then just suck it up and go to her house. It's not even as complicated as I thought, in that case. Go to her house and show your gentlemanliness. As your gf says, you get to show more of yourself ... or "prove yourself" (of course not forcefully or superficially). Her mom may change her mind about you if she gets to observe you more, but you yourself need to drop the grudges or pride. Remember that pride goes before a fall. You have to be open and willing to meet at the same point with her mom.

P.S. If it's the case that your gf is the only medium, then also tell her to quit sharing her mother's views and statements about you with you.

 

[Dubb]

have you considered mocking the situation? shave your head, buy a leather jacket, get some fake piercings & tatoos. show up and actually act like a dirtbag, but in a sly way that it's obvious you're laughing at the mother, but not directly. basically do everything to create an extremely uncomfortable situation for the mother. turn the tides. then explain yourself & what you are doing, have the sit-down with the mother, etc. might help to get the GF in on it too..."oooh, nipple piercings, that's sooooo hot!" Maybe you could borrow a motorcycle. how silly you need to get with this will depend on the mother.

essentially you convey the message that the mother's behavior is absurd enough to warrant an absurd theatrical send up. if you get it across right the mother will feel very self-concious and silly. Which is exactly what you want.

OH! I know! Another thing you could do is get one of your friends to play the dirtbag. stage a breakup, then have your gf bring the dirtbag back. "mom, this is my new BF, Razor. He's edgy."

the mother will be dying to get you back after that.

 

[txxxx]

One of you is 24 , the other is 20. Its not like your teenagers trapped. How about you tell her that you feel uncomfortable, and see if she's willing to comprimise?

 

[BD2003]

Originally posted by: DearQT

Originally posted by: BD2003
Its always been "if she knew you, she'd like you", but I'm not convinced of that anymore. Ive never liked going to her place but I've always done it. Just this once, I want to be spared the ego blow. I'm just not sure if thats too much to ask.

Well, BD2003, I just reread your original post. I need clarification here: Does the mother ever say these things in front of you or not? After rereading your original post, it appears you are saying that your gf acts as the middleman communicating what her mom says about you to you.

If that is the case and the mom's never directly belittled you, then just suck it up and go to her house. It's not even as complicated as I thought, in that case. Go to her house and show your gentlemanliness. As your gf says, you get to show more of yourself ... or "prove yourself" (of course not forcefully or superficially). Her mom may change her mind about you if she gets to observe you more, but you yourself need to drop the grudges or pride. Remember that pride goes before a fall. You have to be open and willing to meet at the same point with her mom.

P.S. If it's the case that your gf is the only medium, then also tell her to quit sharing her mother's views and statements about you with you.

She's the only medium. She only told me specifics because I obviously know what the deal is just by being in the same room and I asked her. She only tells me when I ask her. I'd rather have honesty than facades any day of the week. Ignorance wont solve anything.

My problem is this...I've ALWAYS been the perfect gentleman/boyfriend/citizen in front of her mom. After a year and a half, this has had little effect. Me not having a car is still a HUGE deal to her mother. She still has not gotten over this, especially now that my GFs car is wrecked. Every time I do go to her place and we either took her car, or she borrows her mom's car, its like I'm only reinforcing the impression she has of me. And each time I submit myself to that, I feel like I'm selling myself out. And I'm not exactly doing myself a favor by reinforcing that impression. I WANT her to realize that I'm not broke, and I'm not a bad guy, because its the truth. Which is as big of a reason as my ego for not wanting to go there.

I dont define myself by the amount of money I have, and so I dont have to flaunt it. If I had something to prove, I would have had a car a long time ago. I just so happen to prefer having a bank account and no debt instead.

But I'm incidentally moving to LI to go back to college this coming fall, quite close to where she lives, considering I met her there. So a car is in my very near future.

And you would think that good money sense would have been a plus....

 

[Tab]

Originally posted by: BD2003

Originally posted by: DearQT

Originally posted by: BD2003
Its always been "if she knew you, she'd like you", but I'm not convinced of that anymore. Ive never liked going to her place but I've always done it. Just this once, I want to be spared the ego blow. I'm just not sure if thats too much to ask.

Well, BD2003, I just reread your original post. I need clarification here: Does the mother ever say these things in front of you or not? After rereading your original post, it appears you are saying that your gf acts as the middleman communicating what her mom says about you to you.

If that is the case and the mom's never directly belittled you, then just suck it up and go to her house. It's not even as complicated as I thought, in that case. Go to her house and show your gentlemanliness. As your gf says, you get to show more of yourself ... or "prove yourself" (of course not forcefully or superficially). Her mom may change her mind about you if she gets to observe you more, but you yourself need to drop the grudges or pride. Remember that pride goes before a fall. You have to be open and willing to meet at the same point with her mom.

P.S. If it's the case that your gf is the only medium, then also tell her to quit sharing her mother's views and statements about you with you.

She's the only medium. She only told me specifics because I obviously know what the deal is just by being in the same room and I asked her. She only tells me when I ask her. I'd rather have honesty than facades any day of the week. Ignorance wont solve anything.

My problem is this...I've ALWAYS been the perfect gentleman/boyfriend/citizen in front of her mom. After a year and a half, this has had little effect. Me not having a car is still a HUGE deal to her mother. She still has not gotten over this, especially now that my GFs car is wrecked. Every time I do go to her place and we either took her car, or she borrows her mom's car, its like I'm only reinforcing the impression she has of me. And each time I submit myself to that, I feel like I'm selling myself out. And I'm not exactly doing myself a favor by reinforcing that impression. I WANT her to realize that I'm not broke, and I'm not a bad guy, because its the truth. Which is as big of a reason as my ego for not wanting to go there.

I dont define myself by the amount of money I have, and so I dont have to flaunt it. If I had something to prove, I would have had a car a long time ago. I just so happen to prefer having a bank account and no debt instead.

But I'm incidentally moving to LI to go back to college this coming fall, quite close to where she lives, considering I met her there. So a car is in my very near future.

And you would think that good money sense would have been a plus....

Does you girlfriend know how you feel about her mother? Either way, whats most important is what your girlfriend thinks, her parents come second.

 

[cchen]

About the money issue.... her mother may just be scared that you won't be able to provide for her daughter

 

[BD2003]

Originally posted by: cchen
About the money issue.... her mother may just be scared that you won't be able to provide for her daughter

Its not so much she's scared that I wont be able to provide for her, but she's scared that I wont make as much money as they did, which is true. Like I've said before, money is not the priority in my life, and I am not willing to make the sacrifices required to become filthy rich, when I can just as well lead a happy life as average joe.

And yes, she knows how upset I am about the fact that her mom thinks this way about me. And she knows that I dont blame her for her mom's actions, and she doesnt feel the same way about me as her mom does. (obviously!)

 

Originally posted by: BD2003
I WANT her to realize that I'm not broke, and I'm not a bad guy, because its the truth. Which is as big of a reason as my ego for not wanting to go there.

I dont define myself by the amount of money I have, and so I dont have to flaunt it. If I had something to prove, I would have had a car a long time ago. I just so happen to prefer having a bank account and no debt instead.

But I'm incidentally moving to LI to go back to college this coming fall, quite close to where she lives, considering I met her there. So a car is in my very near future.

And you would think that good money sense would have been a plus....

You know, BD2003, after reading more details from you, it's starting to look like you put this burden on yourself and stress yourself more than her mother would have ever done to you. You seem out to impress her mother. Before I thought the mom was directly pressuring you, but apparently not. It's second-hand information. You say asking your gf about what her mom says or thinks of you is confronting reality, but I disagree. It's simply an indication that you are so bothered about her mom's opinion of you. And unfortunately it causes more rift between her mother and you.

Reading your post carefully, it's clear to me that you feel the need to impress her mom. You'll probably deny it, but you do care what her mom thinks of you. Perhaps you should stop caring and be yourself? Stop caring doesn't mean that you should be a loser and make no efforts to to progress in your life; it just means that you shouldn't only think about doing something because of what impression it builds upon someone (in this case your gf's mother).

Chill! Go out and visit your gf and enjoy yourself ... in her mother's car of course. 😉 You know that it isn't true that you're lazy and just take advantage of her parent's car. (I know how people transport in NY City, including the wealthy, the models.) You also know that it's just a visit. You aren't living there and getting a ride in her car everyday. Visitation is just that ... you're supposed to sit back and enjoy yourself--rather than counting how much are your possessions. But if you're too damn worried about her mom's impression, then don't visit at all. Have her visit you instead. Needless to say, I call that unnecessary pride.

 

[TerryMathews]

My opinion:
You're going to have to show up at her house, at least once, during her break. There's no way that hiding all break is going to go well for you. Maybe pick a time where you can only be around for a little bit?

Think of it as your token "You're going to have to like me sooner or later or we're moving to Cali" appearance.

 

[HardcoreRobot]

Originally posted by: cchen
About the money issue.... her mother may just be scared that you won't be able to provide for her daughter

no, she sounds immature, out of touch, and materialistic. if i had to guess, i would guess she is just another crazy asian mom, but thats just a stereotype from a racist

 

[IHateMyJob2004]

Originally posted by: BD2003
And for the record, I couldnt care less how much money she or her parents have. I love her for her, and nothing else. If anything, dating a rich girl is worse, because the expectations for you are only going to be higher.

I married into a wealthy family. Not ubber rich, but rich.

Her parents are cool. They've liked me from day one I guess but they really are hapy that I have a good job granted they know I can't stand it.

Now my in-laws good friends have a daughter that got engaged to a person they didn't liek that much. He knew it and it was obvious. The parents like the guy, he just wasn't ready to support a family. He took the hint and busted his a$$ to get somewhere.

If you actuallly love this girl, you better do something to prove yourself.

 

[ggavinmoss]

It's probably not you -- I suspect that nobody would be good enough for their little princess.

-geoff

 

[IHateMyJob2004]

Reading the thread, it sounds like her mom is liek my mom. Always pointing out shrot comings and NEVER saying good job. GET OUT NOW! I left NY to get away from my mom (to an extent). Her attitude will never change. You will be dealign with this woman the rest of your life.

EDIT: My wife can not stand my mom and after a 5 day visit, I have had enough. I actually have a 5 day rule for my mom. I never stay for periods longer than that when visiting. All she does is bitch. Start the college fund yet? And she asks the same thing 10 fuvcking times. If this is your scenerio, get out NOW!

 

[petejk]

she's too young...dang....20

20 year olds don't even know what they want


drop ur gf...and tell her mom to stop being a b!tch


(seriously)

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: DearQT

Originally posted by: BD2003
I WANT her to realize that I'm not broke, and I'm not a bad guy, because its the truth. Which is as big of a reason as my ego for not wanting to go there.

I dont define myself by the amount of money I have, and so I dont have to flaunt it. If I had something to prove, I would have had a car a long time ago. I just so happen to prefer having a bank account and no debt instead.

But I'm incidentally moving to LI to go back to college this coming fall, quite close to where she lives, considering I met her there. So a car is in my very near future.

And you would think that good money sense would have been a plus....

You know, BD2003, after reading more details from you, it's starting to look like you put this burden on yourself and stress yourself more than her mother would have ever done to you. You seem out to impress her mother. Before I thought the mom was directly pressuring you, but apparently not. It's second-hand information. You say asking your gf about what her mom says or thinks of you is confronting reality, but I disagree. It's simply an indication that you are so bothered about her mom's opinion of you. And unfortunately it causes more rift between her mother and you.

I have to agree with DearQT on this one. If your GF's mom is wrong about you, why does that = a blow to your ego? Every time you see her mom, you get a chance to make things better - take it! If nothing else, she'll have to work harder to keep from thinking well of you. Why make it easy for her?

And if your GF is repeating things her mom says, what is she carrying from you to her mother? I realize she's young, but she needs to learn to keep the truth to herself if she can't use it better than that.