What to do? Serious problems that I need advice for.

[UsandThem]

I normally don't spill my guts to strangers, but right now maybe there is one person out there who has gone what I am going thru.

Just to start off I am 25 and married with two boys. One is 16 months and the other is 3 weeks. My wife and I have been married for a little over two years. We met while stationed in Germany and now we are both out of the military.

The problem is I am extremely unhappy and have many conficting thoughts.

The story goes:

I come from a very screwed up "family" that was verbally and physically abusive. This has always left me feeling like an outsider and has made me totally self dependent. I left for the military when I was 18, because I had no money for college and didn't have a place to live anymore due to my dad being sentenced to 15 years in prison for drug smuggling. I actually had to stay in a very crummy motel for 3 weeks while waiting to be shipped off to basic training.

After going thru basic training and all the training I received, it made me even more "hardened". Don't get me wrong, I went out and dated and all, but I was completely incapable of love or feeling. It was more just for the physical aspect of dating.

During my teenage and early adult years, I swore that I would never get married or have a really serious relationship. Well, I ended up living with a girl when I was 19, and we lived together until I was 21. I caught her cheating with a coworker and that was the end of the relationship. Don't feel too bad for me, as I cheated on her several times, as I really immature and the thrill of the chase kept me going.

Well, after this I was really depressed as I knew I had made some bad decisions and at the same time felt betrayed (ironic huh?).

Well, I really didn't date for the next two years, and just focused on college and exercise. Looking back this was a very happy time for me. I only had to worry about myself.

I then was sent overseas in 1999 to Germany. I was stationed on a NATO base with very few Americans. I had to leave behind all friends and everything I knew, and went to a very lonely place. Being alone and overseas was a very trying period. This is where I met my wife.

We started hanging out as friends, and then it became more serious. She was supposed to leave to go to another assignment in the States, so we got married after knowing each other for 6 months. Don't get me wrong, she is a great person and is faithful and honest and a great mother.

After we got married, we started preparing for her to leave. We were rushing to get things finished, because there is a lot to do when leaving from an overseas location. Well, it turned out that she got approved to stay in Germany to finish her tour, however the "superior" officers and our management waited to tell us this until a day before she flew out, although it got approved about three weeks before this. They knew this, but thought it would be a great surprise to wait until then to tell us.

So she stayed and we had our first son. He is a great boy, but had colic the first 6 months he was born. He was a difficult child to have as new parents. I then was approved for an early separation, and we came back to the States to live. Then we had another baby just a few weeks ago.

My problem is that I have a hard time emotionally handling being a husband and father. I try to spend a lot of time with my family, however I find myself overwhelmed and frustrated. I find myself emotionally pushing my wife away. I am not violent towards them, or don't do anything like that, but I just am overwhelmed. I feel emotionally overwhelmed and exhausted.

I want to be a good husband and father and not carry on my "family tradition", but I wonder sometimes if I can. I know I need to get a jump start on some good habits, but it is very hard. We have no family friends, and there is nobody I can turn to talk to. I have tried church, however I find most of them completely fake. My wife is very religious and believes that God fixes everything, however I can't believe that.

This has in fact made me not able to talk to my wife about my feelings. I have even seen a therapist, however he did not offer any insight.

Anybody here have any ideas or life experience on this? I don't need young people here that haven't had to deal with serious issues post responses like "you suck", "grow up", or "get over it", I need some good advice, and would be appreciative of any suggestions, books, or websites that I can go to.

Thanks

 

[Turkey]

Try a new parents group in your area... also it sounds like you need to talk to your wife about not being able to talk to her about your feelings. Sounds like a paradox, but I think that's maybe the first step. One more thing... it may be that you just aren't made to spend so much time with your family, ie in consciously trying to spend a lot of time with them you are not able to enjoy being around them and interact with them normally. The extreme case would be to go out with just your friends once or twice a week, but the more reasonable thing to do would be to just go out with your family more. I don't know where you spend your time with your family, but creating different situations with your family by going out can be nice... the zoo, family restaurant, the park, etc. You'll be spending time with them but not "just spending time" with them, and sometimes when you're out the focus of your interaction isn't people (which is emotionally draining), it's the surrounding park, or forest, or animals, or whatever. Or create different situations at home, like roll a ball around with the kid, read to him, watch a movie with him, etc. You might just be over-thinking being a good dad.

 

[Viper GTS]

I want to be a good husband and father and not carry on my "family tradition"

That right there is the important part. Unfortunately wanting does not make it easy, nor does it guarantee success.

IMHO the first step towards being a good father is being a good husband (not to exclude you unmarried fathers, but in his situation). Focus your efforts there, the rest should fall into place.

My problem is that I have a hard time emotionally handling being a husband and father. I try to spend a lot of time with my family, however I find myself overwhelmed and frustrated. I find myself emotionally pushing my wife away. I am not violent towards them, or don't do anything like that, but I just am overwhelmed. I feel emotionally overwhelmed and exhausted.

While I haven't had the opportunity to be either yet, I can definitely relate to this. Make sure your wife knows this, and understands it. It won't always be easy on her, but if she knows what you're going through she can help - if she doesn't know she can't help. There are times when I feel like I'm under pressure from all sides, when all I want to do is find the deepest darkest hole available & hibernate. Thankfully my g/f understands this, all I have to do is tell her when it's happening & she knows exactly how to deal with me. She knows I won't want to talk, I won't want to do much of anything. But she also knows it will pass. I doubt this will ever completely go away, sometimes things are just too much to deal with. Find out what works for you, & let her help you. If she is the wife & mother you say she is, she will stand beside you - or lay down beside you in your hole as the case may be.

I'm probably just rambling, but I can see a fair amount of what you describe in myself. You can't necessarily change it, but you can learn to deal with it.

Viper GTS

 

[PeeluckyDuckee]

I also agree, you really need to talk to your wife about your concerns. If you don't tell, she may not have notice all along. Your religious differences (or lack thereof) shouldn't create that serious of a brick wall as it is right now between yourself and her. Really, you need to communicate your feelings to her. I think that would be the best for both of you and your relationship.

Having a family is not the easiest thing in the world, especially when you have newborns around, it can and will get exhaustive at times. That in itself is a test of your ability to live up to being a good parent and a good husband. My uncle is going thru almost the exact same thing you are, except worse. I'm 23, btw. Being naive doesn't help. He's pushing for things to happen beyond his own ability. He's 46 and just had his first daughter. He's mad at himself that he didn't had a son instead. He's so desperate for a son. He just lost $xxx,xxx in the stock market, his wife just had a seasection (sp?), he has his own set of health problems (which in turns affects his ability to work), he just remortgaged his home. Lets face it, he's in trouble. More than he can handle. But you know what? What is worrisome to my mom (his sister) is not his financial situation, but more importantly his mental state of mind. He's turned into something nobody would expect of him. He's become so dreaded and tiresome of his life that he doesn't care for the wife and the newborn, missed weeks of work (he's a bar tender in a casino, but says he can't keep up with new company policy and technology implementations), and is about to be fired is my guess.

Everybody is worried about him and his family. What will pull him thru is some kind of discussion, to have relatives talk him over and turn his state of mind around to what it was before. Sure he's back at to the beginning financially. No amount of money can save him, if he can't take the first step in changing his life around, listen to relatives advice, communicate, accept relatives help, clean himself up and get back to work. What everybody needs is something to look forward to and a goal to work towards. People can sometimes lose sight of that. Money and status if lost is retrievable, but if self worth and confidence is gone, then that is very very hard to regain. I am frustrated at him, that he doesn't know how lucky he is, wish him the best and still have respect for him.

I guess the point of the above is to say that really you have to value what you have in front of you at this very moment and cherish it. There's a road for each and every one of us to walk. The road isn't always straight and paved for you. There will be ups and downs, twists and turns along the way. The important thing to note, at least IMO, is not how far you walk on that road, but WHO you're walking with.

The answer to your life's troubles doesn't ly in a book or a website, but sometimes within yourself. Please consider talking to your wife about your issues.

PS: I'm only 23 and single, and my english, grammar, and thoughts may not always come out correctly (being an asian citizen from foreign country), I'm sure I don't have the right to tell you what to do. But I do hope it has opened you up to a slightly new perspective or helped you at least a little bit in one way or another.

Best wishes,
Plucky

 

[Moonbeam]

Jesus,, I have to walk my dog. I can tell you some things you won't hear anywhere else, things that are completely unknown becauwe nobody can take them seriously. Naturally, because you are desparate, you're odds are slightly better. When you say that you come from a screwed up and abusive family, you have knowledge that most don't. That is the case with us all. We have all been through worce that a consentration camp, don't know it and don't want to know it. Physical and verbal abuse do one thing. They make you feel like the worst person in the world. I gotta go so here it is in the nut shell:

You hate yourself. When you fell in love with your wife, the conquest stage, you got a brief shot in the arm that you are ok, but the feeling won't go away that way for long. Pretty soon you start to realize that your wife, later it will be your kids, are fools because they love you. They have to be fools to love the worst person in the world. Your life becomes a fraud, a fake life where you get no real happiness because of the hidden self hate.

The only answer I know is to relize that there is nothing wrong with you. Not a single thing. You just believe there is. You need, in my opinion, a therapist who at a minimum realizes that getting in touch with all the suppressed pain and letting it become conscious, reliving your past, actually going through the pain again, but this time seeing you were sold a lie can bring real relief and real life. You should know that all your fears, your doubts, the horrible things that can happen, have already happened long ago. It is just remembering what is suppressed feels identical to dying now. You don't die now, you just find out you've already been dead, emotionally dead, a long time. Good luck. Like I said, there's nothing wrong with you and there never was.

 

[KennyTheGreat]

what about ur neighbours?

 

[bizmark]

I would echo Turkey's suggestion that you try to do something where the emphasis isn't on your family so much. Do something that you enjoy, personally, without any family baggage to carry around. Play a round of golf, buy a video game system, something, I don't know. Join a health club with a racquetball court and play 3x a week, and compete in tournaments. If you live a one-track life, no matter how good that track is, you'll soon become very tired of it. Find a good babysitter and go out with your wife at least once a week. It can be expensive, but I think that the resulting improvement in your mental health would be more than worth it. "To thine own self be true." Something that results in making new friends is an added bonus.

I would also suggest finding someone older who you can talk to. Do you/your wife have a good relationship with your wife's parents? They could be very understanding. Or, an older boss or someone to whom you look up. It can be hard travelling around in the military as you've done. Making new friends is pretty hard if you've just moved to a strange city. Are you very far from where you grew up? Are there any high school or college friends that you could visit with?

Also, as others have said, I would definitely talk with your wife about this problem. Chances are, she feels at least some of what you've been feeling. If you share common feelings, you can help each other cope.

Good luck!

 

[Koing]

I'd 2nd the go out with your wife idea. Take her out to the park have a picnic with just you and her. Nice cold drinks cold fruits is nice. Bring a blanket and just relax a bit.

Try to feel happy that you have a loving wife, 2 AMAZING children. I have a younger brother. Hes 12 years younger then me. I know how hard its going to be to have someone to depend on you for everything etc etc. Its going to be hard.

I would try to see another therapist. This other one might be able to help you out.

Good luck and best wishes

 

[weezergirl]

I'm only 22 and have no experience in this so I dont have any real advice to offer. but i just want to say your post was great. i really hope you can find some good advice to help you out...it's great that you aren't just automatically giving up but actually want to make it better.

Anyways, the only thing i can think of is to find other couples who are in the same stage in life as you....like married couples who just had kids or whatevers. Usually they can relate to problems you may have and you won't feel so alone with what you are going through. You can also hang out with them and do stuff with them! And I hope you can keep the flame alive between you and your wife. It takes work, so don't give up. For the sake of your kids at least.

Good luck!!!!!!

 

[kei]

i'm pretty much at a loss for words right now
child abuse carries so much guilt and shame
you just want to push it back and forget but instead it literally eats you up alive, deadens your heart and leaves you numb
you've got to realize that whatever happened to you in the past was not your fault
you need to learn how to forgive and allow yourself to live and love again
the following is an article that may be able to start you off in the right direction
i wish you the best of luck


_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


You Carry the Cure In Your Own Heart

Emotional abuse of children can lead, in adulthood, to addiction, rage, a severely damaged sense of self and an inability to truly bond with others. But?if it happened to you?there is a way out.

by Andrew Vachss

I'm a lawyer with an unusual specialty. My clients are all children?damaged, hurting children who have been sexually assaulted, physically abused, starved, ignored, abandoned and every other lousy thing one human can do to another. People who know what I do always ask: "What is the worst case you ever handled?" When you're in a business where a baby who dies early may be the luckiest child in the family, there's no easy answer. But I have thought about it?I think about it every day. My answer is that, of all the many forms of child abuse, emotional abuse may be the cruelest and longest-lasting of all.

Emotional abuse is the systematic diminishment of another. It may be intentional or subconscious (or both), but it is always a course of conduct, not a single event. It is designed to reduce a child's self-concept to the point where the victim considers himself unworthy?unworthy of respect, unworthy of friendship, unworthy of the natural birthright of all children: love and protection.

Emotional abuse can be as deliberate as a gunshot: "You're fat. You're stupid. You're ugly."

Emotional abuse can be as random as the fallout from a nuclear explosion. In matrimonial battles, for example, the children all too often become the battlefield. I remember a young boy, barely into his teens, absently rubbing the fresh scars on his wrists. "It was the only way to make them all happy," he said. His mother and father were locked in a bitter divorce battle, and each was demanding total loyalty and commitment from the child.

Emotional abuse can be active. Vicious belittling: "You'll never be the success your brother was." Deliberate humiliation: "You're so stupid. I'm ashamed you're my son."

It also can be passive, the emotional equivalent of child neglect?a sin of omission, true, but one no less destructive.

And it may be a combination of the two, which increases the negative effects geometrically.

Emotional abuse can be verbal or behavioral, active or passive, frequent or occasional. Regardless, it is often as painful as physical assault. And, with rare exceptions, the pain lasts much longer. A parent's love is so important to a child that withholding it can cause a "failure to thrive" condition similar to that of children who have been denied adequate nutrition.

Even the natural solace of siblings is denied to those victims of emotional abuse who have been designated as the family's "target child." The other children are quick to imitate their parents. Instead of learning the qualities every child will need as an adult?empathy, nurturing and protectiveness?they learn the viciousness of a pecking order. And so the cycle continues.

But whether as a deliberate target or an innocent bystander, the emotionally abused child inevitably struggles to "explain" the conduct of his abusers?and ends up struggling for survival in a quicksand of self-blame.

Emotional abuse is both the most pervasive and the least understood form of child maltreatment. Its victims are often dismissed simply because their wounds are not visible. In an era in which fresh disclosures of unspeakable child abuse are everyday fare, the pain and torment of those who experience "only" emotional abuse is often trivialized. We understand and accept that victims of physical or sexual abuse need both time and specialized treatment to heal. But when it comes to emotional abuse, we are more likely to believe the victims will "just get over it" when they become adults.

That assumption is dangerously wrong. Emotional abuse scars the heart and damages the soul. Like cancer, it does its most deadly work internally. And, like cancer, it can metastasize if untreated.

When it comes to damage, there is no real difference between physical, sexual and emotional abuse. All that distinguishes one from the other is the abuser's choice of weapons. I remember a woman, a grandmother whose abusers had long since died, telling me that time had not conquered her pain. "It wasn't just the incest," she said quietly. "It was that he didn't love me. If he loved me, he couldn't have done that to me."

But emotional abuse is unique because it is designed to make the victim feel guilty. Emotional abuse is repetitive and eventually cumulative behavior?very easy to imitate?and some victims later perpetuate the cycle with their own children. Although most victims courageously reject that response, their lives often are marked by a deep, pervasive sadness, a severely damaged self-concept and an inability to truly engage and bond with others.

Emotionally abused children grow up with significantly altered perceptions so that they "see" behaviors?their own and others'?through a filter of distortion. Many emotionally abused children engage in a lifelong drive for the approval (which they translate as "love") of others. So eager are they for love?and so convinced that they don't deserve it?that they are prime candidates for abuse within intimate relationships.

The emotionally abused child can be heard inside every battered woman who insists: "It was my fault, really. I just seem to provoke him somehow."

And the almost-inevitable failure of adult relationships reinforces that sense of unworthiness, compounding the felony, reverberating throughout the victim's life.

Emotional abuse conditions the child to expect abuse in later life. Emotional abuse is a time bomb, but its effects are rarely visible, because the emotionally abused tend to implode, turning the anger against themselves. And when someone is outwardly successful in most areas of life, who looks within to see the hidden wounds?

Members of a therapy group may range widely in age, social class, ethnicity and occupation, but all display some form of self-destructive conduct: obesity, drug addiction, anorexia, bulimia, domestic violence, child abuse, attempted suicide, self-mutilation, depression and fits of rage. What brought them into treatment was their symptoms. But until they address the one thing that they have in common?a childhood of emotional abuse?true recovery is impossible.

One of the goals of any child-protective effort is to "break the cycle" of abuse. We should not delude ourselves that we are winning this battle simply because so few victims of emotional abuse become abusers themselves. Some emotionally abused children are programmed to fail so effectively that a part of their own personality "self-parents" by belittling and humiliating themselves.

The pain does not stop with adulthood. Indeed, for some, it worsens. I remember a young woman, an accomplished professional, charming and friendly, well-liked by all who knew her. She told me she would never have children. "I'd always be afraid I would act like them," she said.

Unlike other forms of child abuse, emotional abuse is rarely denied by those who practice it. In fact, many actively defend their psychological brutality, asserting that a childhood of emotional abuse helped their children to "toughen up." It is not enough for us to renounce the perverted notion that beating children produces good citizens?we must also renounce the lie that emotional abuse is good for children because it prepares them for a hard life in a tough world. I've met some individuals who were prepared for a hard life that way?I met them while they were doing life.

The primary weapons of emotional abusers is the deliberate infliction of guilt. They use guilt the same way a loan shark uses money: They don't want the "debt" paid off, because they live quite happily on the "interest."

Because emotional abuse comes in so many forms (and so many disguises), recognition is the key to effective response. For example, when allegations of child sexual abuse surface, it is a particularly hideous form of emotional abuse to pressure the victim to recant, saying he or she is "hurting the family" by telling the truth. And precisely the same holds true when a child is pressured to sustain a lie by a "loving" parent.

Emotional abuse requires no physical conduct whatsoever. In one extraordinary case, a jury in Florida recognized the lethal potential of emotional abuse by finding a mother guilty of child abuse in connection with the suicide of her 17-year-old daughter, whom she had forced to work as a nude dancer (and had lived off her earnings).

Another rarely understood form of emotional abuse makes victims responsible for their own abuse by demanding that they "understand" the perpetrator. Telling a 12-year-old girl that she was an "enabler" of her own incest is emotional abuse at its most repulsive.

A particularly pernicious myth is that "healing requires forgiveness" of the abuser. For the victim of emotional abuse, the most viable form of help is self-help?and a victim handicapped by the need to "forgive" the abuser is a handicapped helper indeed. The most damaging mistake an emotional-abuse victim can make is to invest in the "rehabilitation" of the abuser. Too often this becomes still another wish that didn't come true?and emotionally abused children will conclude that they deserve no better result.

The costs of emotional abuse cannot be measured by visible scars, but each victim loses some percentage of capacity. And that capacity remains lost so long as the victim is stuck in the cycle of "understanding" and "forgiveness." The abuser has no "right" to forgiveness?such blessings can only be earned. And although the damage was done with words, true forgiveness can only be earned with deeds.

For those with an idealized notion of "family," the task of refusing to accept the blame for their own victimization is even more difficult. For such searchers, the key to freedom is always truth?the real truth, not the distorted, self-serving version served by the abuser.

Emotional abuse threatens to become a national illness. The popularity of nasty, mean-spirited, personal-attack cruelty that passes for "entertainment" is but one example. If society is in the midst of moral and spiritual erosion, a "family" bedrocked on the emotional abuse of its children will not hold the line. And the tide shows no immediate signs of turning.

Effective treatment of emotional abusers depends on the motivation for the original conduct, insight into the roots of such conduct and the genuine desire to alter that conduct. For some abusers, seeing what they are doing to their child?or, better yet, feeling what they forced their child to feel?is enough to make them halt. Other abusers need help with strategies to deal with their own stress so that it doesn't overload onto their children.

But for some emotional abusers, rehabilitation is not possible. For such people, manipulation is a way of life. They coldly and deliberately set up a "family" system in which the child can never manage to "earn" the parent's love. In such situations, any emphasis on "healing the whole family" is doomed to failure.

If you are a victim of emotional abuse, there can be no self-help until you learn to self-reference. That means developing your own standards, deciding for yourself what "goodness" really is. Adopting the abuser's calculated labels?"You're crazy. You're ungrateful. It didn't happen the way you say"?only continues the cycle.

Adult survivors of emotional child abuse have only two life-choices: learn to self-reference or remain a victim. When your self-concept has been shredded, when you have been deeply injured and made to feel the injury was all your fault, when you look for approval to those who can not or will not provide it?you play the role assigned to you by your abusers.

It's time to stop playing that role, time to write your own script. Victims of emotional abuse carry the cure in their own hearts and souls. Salvation means learning self-respect, earning the respect of others and making that respect the absolutely irreducible minimum requirement for all intimate relationships. For the emotionally abused child, healing does come down to "forgiveness"?forgiveness of yourself.

How you forgive yourself is as individual as you are. But knowing you deserve to be loved and respected and empowering yourself with a commitment to try is more than half the battle. Much more.

And it is never too soon?or too late?to start.

 

[Geekbabe]

You have a toddler and a new born, you are supposed to feel stressed and overwhelmed,life with little kids is about them, not "me,me,me". The trick is to try to support each other and to keep a sense of humor.

Also keep in mind that kids are very much like crops, the effort you make or don't make now will show when those kids are grown, if you don't want your kids to be remote,isolative strangers to you when they're teenagers,young adults, you've got to get a relationship going with them now.I also came from a less than warm and emotionally demonstrative family, I vowed that life would be different for my kids and sought out therapy and more importantly friendship with other young families who displayed the type of parenting behaviors that I liked and I emulted them, after a time it then became a natural thing.I wasn't a perfect parent by a long shot but I have a much closer relationship with my kids now than my parents have with me or my siblings. Seek out other young families and therapist shop till you find one you can connect with.


The only other suggestion I can make is if you can afford it,get some household help, use the time for both you and your wife to catch up on your sleep, my Nicole had colic something fierce and I found that I felt my lowest and most ineffective as a parent when I'd been living on naps for like a week.


Oh and one other thing, I'd suggest that at 3 weeks post partum this is not the time to start blathering on endlessly to your wife about your issues, she's got some major adjusting of her own going on right now and she probably won't hear what you're talking about... what she'll hear is that she's saddled with a toddler and a newborn and a husband who sounds like he's going to dump her or some other unbelievably selfish thing.

 

[OS]

 

[Azraele]

Find someone you can talk to, a friend, a (marriage) counselor, therapist (one that can offer insight), religious figure, a stranger's ear. Second, try to take smaller steps, I think what you need to do is tackle each situation/feeling one at a time so that it doesn't seem so overwhelming. Try writing or art, those can be great for expressing onself. Also try exercise, it's a good way to deal with excess stress.

You could also get a hobby, take some you time and indulge yourself a little.

I would also think talking to your wife about your feelings before they build up to the point that they burstThat would only make things worse.

Try answering a few questions too. Why do you feel overwhelmed? Frustrated? What are the roots of your feelings and why do you feel this way?

 

[Yeeny]

I have been there to some extent, even though I am female. Having two kids by the age of 19, and having a screwed up family background met up for me when I hit a certain point. I fell, hard, and it took me a long time to climb out of the black hole I was in. I hated myself, and totally shut everyone out of my life besides my kids. Even with them, I was nowhere near the mom I should have been. I was convinced there was no way I would ever be able to raise my kids right, that eventually my past would catch up with me, and I would become my worst fear. Now, I am 28, and have three awesome kids. I realize I am not perfect, but like Moonbeam said, the first step is realizing that your upbringing was a bit off. Once you face that, the rest becomes easier, it kind of falls into place. You just have to catch yourself, when you see yourself slipping and acting like you dread most, just stop, take a a breath, and realize its ok to screw up sometimes, as long as you put a stop to it. Don't convince yourself that there is some certain kind of father/husband that you are supposed to be, that was my biggest mistake. You have to remember, you are human, and you will screw up, we all do. I had visions of being like Donna Reed, but felt like Peggy Bundy. No I am somewhere safely between the two. Secondly, talk to your wife. She was your friend before you were married, and just because her status changed doesn't mean that did. She loves you from what you say, and is a good person, so have faith that will carry over to you and your life together too. Third, get a better therapist. You need one that you feel comfortable to rant at, or break down in front of, even if you never do. If you don't open up to them totally, or they are unresponsive, therapy will not work.