What to do after a nervous breakdown? please help, friend... :(

[TallBill]

Im gonna have to agree with Marshallj, but the real answer wont come from here. In fact, even you probably wont be able to help all that much. I tend to stay out of other families problems, and this is when i know them well.

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: Marshallj

Originally posted by: Dezign

Originally posted by: Marshallj
What is your fixation with saying "Asian" this and "Asian" that?

They have the same mental problems as everyone else, and there's absolutely no excuse not to see a professional about this.

Being "Asian" is no excuse.

It's not a fixaction, I'm just stating the facts. And I'm in no way using it as an excuse. But if you're Asian or have any Asian friends (particularly those who are first-generation, whose parents have come from China/Japan/Taiwan/etc.), you should know that older Asian people (ESPECIALLY MEN) don't tend to talk to anyone about how they feel, are very non-confrontational, do NOT seek help from "strangers/professionals" for their problems. They have too much pride... things like that just aren't done.

I can't explain it any more than that, you would have to know/be to understand it.

I know things are like that, I'm just stating that it isn't logical or right. Yes, there are always social pressures when admitting that you're going to a psychiatrist... maybe moreso in some cultures. But the simple fact is that this is the only way that he will get help. He's going to have to either swallow his pride and admit that he needs help, or he's going to end up killing himself.

I know... that's so sad... But in cultures without psychologists/psychiatrists, etc., what happens? Do people who bottle everything up inside just kill themselves?

 

[Marshallj]

Originally posted by: Dezign

I know... that's so sad... But in cultures without psychologists/psychiatrists, etc., what happens? Do people who bottle everything up inside just kill themselves?

Unfortunately that is sometimes the case. I've heard that the suicide rate in Japan is very high because in their culture success is very honorable, while failure isn't. So instead of swallowing their pride and asking for help, they sometimes resort to suicide. I think I read that they have the highest suicide rate of any industrialized country.

 

[Ciber]

Originally posted by: Marshallj

Originally posted by: Dezign

Originally posted by: Marshallj
What is your fixation with saying "Asian" this and "Asian" that?

They have the same mental problems as everyone else, and there's absolutely no excuse not to see a professional about this.

Being "Asian" is no excuse.

It's not a fixaction, I'm just stating the facts. And I'm in no way using it as an excuse. But if you're Asian or have any Asian friends (particularly those who are first-generation, whose parents have come from China/Japan/Taiwan/etc.), you should know that older Asian people (ESPECIALLY MEN) don't tend to talk to anyone about how they feel, are very non-confrontational, do NOT seek help from "strangers/professionals" for their problems. They have too much pride... things like that just aren't done.

I can't explain it any more than that, you would have to know/be to understand it.

I know things are like that, I'm just stating that it isn't logical or right. Yes, there are always social pressures when admitting that you're going to a psychiatrist... maybe moreso in some cultures. But the simple fact is that this is the only way that he will get help. He's going to have to either swallow his pride and admit that he needs help, or he's going to end up killing himself.

What is it with this forum and thinking everyone MUST get professional help/medication for all there problems?

And she's right about the whole asian culture thing.

My fiancee is asian and her parents are first gen...... I cant even describe how hard they are to deal with.

She also spent like the first 7-8 years of her life out there and got some of these little "features".


Marshall, you should just leave it alone till you've had first hand experience, it's a totally different beast that nothing can prepare you for.

Asian parents are like regular troublesome parents, squared a million times.

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: Marshallj

Originally posted by: Dezign

And I'm asking people on an anonymous internet forum for help because some of those people are kind, intelligent, and helpful... unlike you. I value the insight of a lot of these people because they've helped me int the past... if you don't have If you don't have anything nice or helpful to say, it would be more tactful/courteous to not say anything at all. :|

I'm not trying to be hard on you, but I've already "been there/done that". When I was a bit younger I was depressed all the time and I tried to hold it in and ignore it, but that does no good for you. You have to swallow your pride and go to a pro. A pro can help you whereas an impersonal, anonymous internet forum cannot.

So when I saw your post, I knew the answer to your question but I also knew that it is not the answer that you wanted to hear. I'm sorry if it came off harsh, but there's no other way around it. I know he doesn't want to see a pro but it sounds like that is the only solution. I'm just telling you the truth, but it sounds like you don't consider the truth to be an acceptable option.

How did you get the balls to swallow your pride and go to a pro? Did you have support from friends, or is it something you really chose to do and executed on your own? How was it when going, and are you glad you did?

It's easy to say "just suck it up and do it", a lot harder convincing someone that their lives will be the better for it.

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: TallBill
Im gonna have to agree with Marshallj, but the real answer wont come from here. In fact, even you probably wont be able to help all that much. I tend to stay out of other families problems, and this is when i know them well.

I would never talk to her father directly, but I'm just trying to get suggestions for what to tell my closest girlfriend... she honestly has no clue what to do or where to start right now... *sigh*

 

[Marshallj]

Originally posted by: Ciber
Marshall, you should just leave it alone till you've had first hand experience, it's a totally different beast that nothing can prepare you for.

Asian parents are like regular troublesome parents, squared a million times.

I do have first hand experience with depression and getting help with it.

There is one solution. You may try to justify NOT getting help due to cultural reasons, but in the end, you are NOT getting help...

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: ReiAyanami
yeah, divorce sucks but personally i wish my parents never met/got married in the first place. it would seem designz's friend's dad feels both unappreciated and worthless, it'd be hard to solve the dilemma because if his family were to come to him and talk about it, he'd feel they were pitying him and feel worse.

the only solution i see is him getting a new job, one that he likes. however jobs are scarce so that's not likely for a while. medication is another option but he might have too much pride to do that so u might have to slip it in his food feasibly

my roommate's dad is on the verge of losing his job too, and i'm stuck paying the last 4 out of 5 months rent.

You make a really good point in your first paragraph... that's why Jenny doesn't want to go and talk to him about it. After not doing anything for so long (she really didn't call home from college too much, too busy studying/partying), it would be weird for her to just be the super-supportive daughter. And he probably would feel pitied, which is a terrible feeling.

As for him getting a new job, that might be hard because I think he's in his mid-late 50's... but maybe he could start his own business or something. The job market isn't looking good, particularly in their area, but one can hope...

I'm sorry to hear about your roommates' dad, too... that really, really sucks... and you have to pay the last 4/5 months rent?? That doesn't seem entirely fair, can't he get a job to help you out?

 

[Marshallj]

Originally posted by: Dezign
How did you get the balls to swallow your pride and go to a pro? Did you have support from friends, or is it something you really chose to do and executed on your own? How was it when going, and are you glad you did?

It's easy to say "just suck it up and do it", a lot harder convincing someone that their lives will be the better for it.

It was hard. Before I had any experience going to a psychiatrist, I thought they were all bullsh!t artists and there was nothing they could possibly do. But after my problem go SO bad that I had no pride left and I felt I had nothing to lose, I finally agreed to go. And I'm very glad I did.

Keep in mind that I was about 18/19 years old, so I wasn't as set in my ways as a middle age man is. So I'd imagine that it would be even harder for him. But looking back on my experience, there's no other way about it, you have to get help.

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: Marshallj

Originally posted by: Dezign

I know... that's so sad... But in cultures without psychologists/psychiatrists, etc., what happens? Do people who bottle everything up inside just kill themselves?

Unfortunately that is sometimes the case. I've heard that the suicide rate in Japan is very high because in their culture success is very honorable, while failure isn't. So instead of swallowing their pride and asking for help, they sometimes resort to suicide. I think I read that they have the highest suicide rate of any industrialized country.

That statistic wouldn't surprise me at all... It makes sense... and her dad is Japanese (born/raised in Japan, came to the US to raise a family, apparently at the sake of his own happiness)...

 

[Ciber]

Originally posted by: Dezign

Originally posted by: TallBill
Im gonna have to agree with Marshallj, but the real answer wont come from here. In fact, even you probably wont be able to help all that much. I tend to stay out of other families problems, and this is when i know them well.

I would never talk to her father directly, but I'm just trying to get suggestions for what to tell my closest girlfriend... she honestly has no clue what to do or where to start right now... *sigh*

You do know that the chances of anything that's said here actually helping this man are like 0, right?

Unless you can find a brother or something along those lines who he is close to and trust, then forget it.

Nothing else is going to reach this man.

And sometimes people are just frustated/pissed/fed up with there situation, it doesnt mean they need to be automatically put in a damn hospital and pumped full of drugs to "help" them.


Let the guy be for a bit before you start running around all paranoid, tell your friend to calm down.

There's really not much else you can do for him.

 

[Marshallj]

Also, keep in mind that from what I gather from what you said, he's depressed because of his job situation, so he might not have clinical depression. I was depressed for no reason at all, even when I did have a job and I was going to school I was depressed for no reason.

So if getting a job keeps him happy, then he probably won't need to be on medication, he just needs a job. Maybe he doesn't need medicine, he just needs a job.

But if not having a job is making him this depressed, he may have other underlying issues.

 

[Ciber]

Originally posted by: Marshallj

Originally posted by: Ciber
Marshall, you should just leave it alone till you've had first hand experience, it's a totally different beast that nothing can prepare you for.

Asian parents are like regular troublesome parents, squared a million times.

I do have first hand experience with depression and getting help with it.

There is one solution. You may try to justify NOT getting help due to cultural reasons, but in the end, you are NOT getting help...

I wasnt talking about depression......

 

[TallBill]

ok, i guess i didnt realize that she was coming directly to you for help. All i could say then is to just keep being her friend.

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: Marshallj

Originally posted by: Dezign
How did you get the balls to swallow your pride and go to a pro? Did you have support from friends, or is it something you really chose to do and executed on your own? How was it when going, and are you glad you did?

It's easy to say "just suck it up and do it", a lot harder convincing someone that their lives will be the better for it.

It was hard. Before I had any experience going to a psychiatrist, I thought they were all bullsh!t artists and there was nothing they could possibly do. But after my problem go SO bad that I had no pride left and I felt I had nothing to lose, I finally agreed to go. And I'm very glad I did.

Keep in mind that I was about 18/19 years old, so I wasn't as set in my ways as a middle age man is. So I'd imagine that it would be even harder for him. But looking back on my experience, there's no other way about it, you have to get help.

Damn... so you had to hit rock bottom in order to make your way back up? Good for you... I don't know of many 18/19 year olds who'd have the courage to do the same. And you're right, her dad is practically cemented into his ways... she's always said the older he comes, the more stubborn he gets. *sigh* I guess I'll tell her to leave him be for the time being... although I doubt he'd ever approach her to talk about it. Maybe she can get their pastor or something (the family isn't really religious, but they go to a Christian church) to talk to him about getting help... although that would probably embarrass/upset/anger him further...

 

[Marshallj]

Originally posted by: Ciber

Let the guy be for a bit before you start running around all paranoid, tell your friend to calm down.

There's really not much else you can do for him.

Yes, his depression may be temporary because of his situation, but he still needs help. Just because the depression is temporary doesn't mean he still can't do something drastic. When you're stuck in that cloud of depression, you can't see out of it- it skews all your thoughts and makes everything numb or negative.

I think he can still use help, anyone that's in trouble can use some.

 

[Ciber]

Originally posted by: Dezign

Originally posted by: Marshallj

Originally posted by: Dezign
How did you get the balls to swallow your pride and go to a pro? Did you have support from friends, or is it something you really chose to do and executed on your own? How was it when going, and are you glad you did?

It's easy to say "just suck it up and do it", a lot harder convincing someone that their lives will be the better for it.

It was hard. Before I had any experience going to a psychiatrist, I thought they were all bullsh!t artists and there was nothing they could possibly do. But after my problem go SO bad that I had no pride left and I felt I had nothing to lose, I finally agreed to go. And I'm very glad I did.

Keep in mind that I was about 18/19 years old, so I wasn't as set in my ways as a middle age man is. So I'd imagine that it would be even harder for him. But looking back on my experience, there's no other way about it, you have to get help.

Damn... so you had to hit rock bottom in order to make your way back up? Good for you... I don't know of many 18/19 year olds who'd have the courage to do the same. And you're right, her dad is practically cemented into his ways... she's always said the older he comes, the more stubborn he gets. *sigh* I guess I'll tell her to leave him be for the time being... although I doubt he'd ever approach her to talk about it. Maybe she can get their pastor or something (the family isn't really religious, but they go to a Christian church) to talk to him about getting help... although that would probably embarrass/upset/anger him further...

DONT DO THAT!

That will bring "shame"etc to him and his family etc, in his mind... Believe me, do not tell any outsider like that. That is a big no no.



I know you want to help your friend here, but as i said above, unless you can find a brother or someone he trusts like that, then just let him be.

Anything else will be an insult to him.

 

[Looney]

Originally posted by: Marshallj
What is your fixation with saying "Asian" this and "Asian" that?

They have the same mental problems as everyone else, and there's absolutely no excuse not to see a professional about this.

For God's sake you're hinting that he won't see a professional because he's so "Asian", yet you're asking people on an anonymous internet forum for help. Pathetic.

Being "Asian" is no excuse.

No, it's not an excuse... and she's not using it as such. She's just setting up the man so we have a better idea of what he's like. And incase you don't know, older Asian guys don't like therapists... it's the same with any of the older folks really, they equate therapists as head shrinkers. Everything is mental to them, and should be handled themselves. It's not like the pansy ass society we live in now when people go to the therapists when their pets are acting funny around them.

That being said, there's no such thing as a 'nervous breakdown'... at least according to the DSM-IV or any other actual clinical term. I'm not sure where the term nervous breakdown came from, but it was probably entirely made up by the media... or it may have existed so long ago, that current psychological education doesn't even bother to mention it anymore because it's so archaic.

If the guy isn't willing to see a therapist... then perhaps the family should give him a little space. Arguing a lot with him over financial issues? If he's the sole supporter of the family, and he's lost his job, he feels like he's incompetent now... and with the work ethics of the older Asian generation, this can be extremely hard on them. I would just advise the family to take it easy on him... don't bring up money issues... i know it can be hard when money is what makes us survive... but he's scared. He's old, sole supporter... and just lost his job... he's afraid he can't find another job to support the family. That's a really bad situation, and it's not entirely all in his head. I don't know how old the sons are, but can they get jobs? He should be on UI, so that should be ok for awhile.

I would say the best thing might be a little vacation if the family can support it... but they probably can't if they've been arguing over their financial situation. But really, there's nothing you or anybody else can do. He has to overcome his feelings of helplessness himself.

 

[Ciber]

Originally posted by: Moralpanic

Originally posted by: Marshallj
What is your fixation with saying "Asian" this and "Asian" that?

They have the same mental problems as everyone else, and there's absolutely no excuse not to see a professional about this.

For God's sake you're hinting that he won't see a professional because he's so "Asian", yet you're asking people on an anonymous internet forum for help. Pathetic.

Being "Asian" is no excuse.

No, it's not an excuse... and she's not using it as such. She's just setting up the man so we have a better idea of what he's like. And incase you don't know, older Asian guys don't like therapists... it's the same with any of the older folks really, they equate therapists as head shrinkers. Everything is mental to them, and should be handled themselves. It's not like the pansy ass society we live in now when people go to the therapists when their pets are acting funny around them.

That being said, there's no such thing as a 'nervous breakdown'... at least according to the DSM-IV or any other actual clinical term. I'm not sure where the term nervous breakdown came from, but it was probably entirely made up by the media... or it may have existed so long ago, that current psychological education doesn't even bother to mention it anymore because it's so archaic.

If the guy isn't willing to see a therapist... then perhaps the family should give him a little space. Arguing a lot with him over financial issues? If he's the sole supporter of the family, and he's lost his job, he feels like he's incompetent now... and with the work ethics of the older Asian generation, this can be extremely hard on them. I would just advise the family to take it easy on him... don't bring up money issues... i know it can be hard when money is what makes us survive... but he's scared. He's old, sole supporter... and just lost his job... he's afraid he can't find another job to support the family. That's a really bad situation, and it's not entirely all in his head. I don't know how old the sons are, but can they get jobs? He should be on UI, so that should be ok for awhile.

I would say the best thing might be a little vacation if the family can support it... but they probably can't if they've been arguing over their financial situation. But really, there's nothing you or anybody else can do. He has to overcome his feelings of helplessness himself.

Great post!

Probably the best advice she will get in this thread.

 

[macwinlin]

It probably goes without saying, but in the meantime, you can make sure that your friend Jenny and the rest of her family gets all the support she needs from you and the rest of her friends.

As for your friend's father, I really don't have any idea on how you can convince him to seek professional help or even help from any friends.

I hope everything works out well for him and the rest of his family.

 

[OS]

Hi Ivy, sorry to hear. Hope things get better, but unfortunately you can't really help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

As for all the stupid remarks about being asian not being an excuse, you don't know what you're talking about so STFU. Older generation asians are extremely conservative, they don't like to talk about their "problems" and air their dirty laundry so to speak. That's is how they have been raised their entire lives. It's easy for some loud mouth to sit at home and pass judgement on our culture, but it's ignorant and it doesn't help anyone.

 

[BruinEd03]

Originally posted by: OS
Hi Ivy, sorry to hear. Hope things get better, but unfortunately you can't really help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

As for all the stupid remarks about being asian not being an excuse, you don't know what you're talking about so STFU. Older generation asians are extremely conservative, they don't like to talk about their "problems" and air their dirty laundry so to speak. That's is how they have been raised their entire lives. It's easy for some loud mouth to sit at home and pass judgement on our culture, but it's ignorant and it doesn't help anyone.

Bingo. Though you can also try to hook her dad up w/ a job? yeah ok so that's probably not feasible. Aside from that, just try to be there for ur friend Jenny.

-Ed

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: Moralpanic

Originally posted by: Marshallj
What is your fixation with saying "Asian" this and "Asian" that?

They have the same mental problems as everyone else, and there's absolutely no excuse not to see a professional about this.

For God's sake you're hinting that he won't see a professional because he's so "Asian", yet you're asking people on an anonymous internet forum for help. Pathetic.

Being "Asian" is no excuse.

No, it's not an excuse... and she's not using it as such. She's just setting up the man so we have a better idea of what he's like. And incase you don't know, older Asian guys don't like therapists... it's the same with any of the older folks really, they equate therapists as head shrinkers. Everything is mental to them, and should be handled themselves. It's not like the pansy ass society we live in now when people go to the therapists when their pets are acting funny around them.

That being said, there's no such thing as a 'nervous breakdown'... at least according to the DSM-IV or any other actual clinical term. I'm not sure where the term nervous breakdown came from, but it was probably entirely made up by the media... or it may have existed so long ago, that current psychological education doesn't even bother to mention it anymore because it's so archaic.

If the guy isn't willing to see a therapist... then perhaps the family should give him a little space. Arguing a lot with him over financial issues? If he's the sole supporter of the family, and he's lost his job, he feels like he's incompetent now... and with the work ethics of the older Asian generation, this can be extremely hard on them. I would just advise the family to take it easy on him... don't bring up money issues... i know it can be hard when money is what makes us survive... but he's scared. He's old, sole supporter... and just lost his job... he's afraid he can't find another job to support the family. That's a really bad situation, and it's not entirely all in his head. I don't know how old the sons are, but can they get jobs? He should be on UI, so that should be ok for awhile.

I would say the best thing might be a little vacation if the family can support it... but they probably can't if they've been arguing over their financial situation. But really, there's nothing you or anybody else can do. He has to overcome his feelings of helplessness himself.

THIS is why I keep coming to ATOT for advice/tips/info/etc. Thank you so very much, Moralpanic... and James and BruinEd03, as always. I just spoke with her and she's calmed down a bit... everyone in the house is still very quiet, and she thinks her mom is going ahead and cooking dinner, like she normally does... she liked the vacation idea, and may use some of her own savings to try and plan something small and nice for the family (she's worked the past 2 summers at an insurance agency).

Thanks again to everyone for their input...