What to do after a nervous breakdown? please help, friend... :(

[imported_Tomato]

My best friend Jenny's father had a nervous breakdown last night... she just called me at work because she didn't know who else to talk to, and I'm scared for her and her family.

Jenny's dad is a quiet Asian man who has been really, really stressed lately because of the current state of the economy... he lost his job about two months ago, and has not been able to find work since. He is the sole supporter of their family and has a nice Asian wife, not very book-smart but very loving (she only went to high school, no college, not intellectually stimulating but pours her heart into her kids), two middle-and-high-school-aged sons, and a daughter (my best friend).

His two sons live at home, and pretty much keep to themselves and do their own things (work on computers, don't really talk to their dad) and Jenny was away at college... she recently went home for the summer, and said that last night, her father had a huge fight with her mom (they've been arguing a lot lately, mostly because of the stressful financial situation) and he took drove off in the car around 8pm.

They kept calling him on his cell phone, but he wouldn't pick up... and three hours later at 11pm, they got a call from the hospital. He'd drive himself there and checked himself in... apparently he'd been experiencing a lot of pain, and was diagnosed with a pretty serious case of the summer flu. He's an older man, though, so it probably affected him more severely than it otherwise would have. The strange thing is, he didn't mention it to anyone prior to that incident...

Jenny drove her mom and brothers to the hospital, but when they got there, he refused to see them. He told them to go away, yelled at them that nobody cared for him and nobody loves him, called her little brothers "stupid idiots", and Jenny was terrified... she'd never seen her dad like that (and from what I remember of him, I just can't picture him like this... he's just normally such a quiet, mild-mannered, take-whatever-comes-and-absorbs it man with a strong work ethic).

Anyway... they took him home from the hospital around 2am, and he's locked himself in his bedroom. Everyone in the house has no idea what to do, and everyone's basically staying in their rooms, quiet and scared... Jenny asked if there's anything I can tell her to do or tell her family to do... my psych degree isn't helpeful in the least, but it sounds like her dad had a nervous breakdown. His behavior just came out of nowhere... everything seemed fine and normal (family doesn't communicate with each other much, very stoic Asian home), and then everything fell apart.

Is there any advice I can give her right now? The whole situation is so bizarre and sad... has anyone had a relative or friend who's gone through something similar? And if so, what did you do and how did it turn out?

 

[djheater]

Well you can tell her that stuff like that happened on a yearly basis in my family while my parents were married divorce seems to have calmed them down finally.

Not to say that they should be divorced, but from what you described I fail to see what the big deal is. Your friend is gaining valuable perspective. That type of emotional outburst, within reason, and especially considering the circumstances, is relatively normal.

If he's normal, he'll come out of it eventually, otherwise he'll need to see a therapist. Not that a mild-mannered asian father would ever actually GO to a shrink.

 

[AstIsis]

He was probably better off in the hospital where he might have been able to receive some counseling. If he has any friends outside the family, have them come speak with him. They might be able to persuade him to seek some professional help ASAP before this goes any further. (I doubt he will listen to his family right now.)

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: djheater
Well you can tell her that stuff like that happened on a yearly basis in my family while my parents were married divorce seems to have calmed them down finally.

Not to say that they should be divorced, but from what you described I fail to see what the big deal is. Your friend is gaining valuable perspective. That type of emotional outburst, within reason, and especially considering the circumstances, is relatively normal.

If he's normal, he'll come out of it eventually, otherwise he'll need to see a therapist. Not that a mild-mannered asian father would ever actually GO to a shrink.

Yeah, tell me about it... thanks for your post... after the tears and such, Jenny said "And don't even SUGGEST a therapist... you know there's no way any older Asian man would go see a therapist..."

I was going to suggest she somehow suggest her parents get a divorce, but... I don't know. That just seems a little extreme. I don't think her dad is happy in his situation... especially since he isn't financially successful (hugely important in the Asian community, particularly and unfortunately), his kids don't really communicate/spend time with him, and he has a wife who can cook, clean, and take care of his children but can't really provide any intellectual support. Her dad's just not the most social guy, either, and spends almost all his time on the computer... he doesn't have a group of guy friends to go out and spend time with. Her mom isn't very happy either, from the sound of it... the constant arguing, etc.

It doesn't sound like they'd be arguing if the money situation wasn't so tight... but then again, I think even if financial matters weren't a concern, a lot of things would be suppressed. I dunno... with Jenny's family and a lot of Asian families, there's limited communication and expression of emotions...

But yeah, it should be a little comforting to her to know it's "normal"... just not normal for their family, I guess, since nothing like this has ever happened before.

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: AstIsis
He was probably better off in the hospital where he might have been able to receive some counseling. If he has any friends outside the family, have them come speak with him. They might be able to persuade him to seek some professional help ASAP before this goes any further. (I doubt he will listen to his family right now.)

True, she was particularly concerned he'd hurt himself or do something stupid... I think all the did in the hospital was give him some codeine (?). No counseling or anything... and I know that my father would NEVER go to counseling or seek "professional help"... Asians just don't do that. They keep everything inside until it explodes into something like what just happens... so sad...

 

[Azraele]

Does this man have a buddy that he could talk to? Other than that, he's going to demand his space until he's ready to talk.

 

[Orsorum]

There may not be anything you can do, if he refuses to seek help. You can be there for your friend, but other than that... hope that he eventually swallows his pride and goes for treatment. It is a big step to seek psychiatric help, it was for me, and I'm just your run of the mill white guy, I cannot imagine the stress it would bring to a man raised in any asian culture.

I wish your friend's father luck, for lack of having anything better to offer.

Shalom.
Nate

 

[AstIsis]

Originally posted by: Dezign

Originally posted by: AstIsis
He was probably better off in the hospital where he might have been able to receive some counseling. If he has any friends outside the family, have them come speak with him. They might be able to persuade him to seek some professional help ASAP before this goes any further. (I doubt he will listen to his family right now.)

True, she was particularly concerned he'd hurt himself or do something stupid... I think all the did in the hospital was give him some codeine (?). No counseling or anything... and I know that my father would NEVER go to counseling or seek "professional help"... Asians just don't do that. They keep everything inside until it explodes into something like what just happens... so sad...

I am sorry to hear this, Dezign. I hope everything eventually works out for the better.

:frown:

 

[Marshallj]

What is your fixation with saying "Asian" this and "Asian" that?

They have the same mental problems as everyone else, and there's absolutely no excuse not to see a professional about this.

For God's sake you're hinting that he won't see a professional because he's so "Asian", yet you're asking people on an anonymous internet forum for help. Pathetic.

Being "Asian" is no excuse.

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: Azraele
Does this man have a buddy that he could talk to? Other than that, he's going to demand his space until he's ready to talk.

To the best of my knowledge, I don't think he really has any friends... I know I always felt intimidated when I was around her father, he's such a logical, strict person. Not cold, just... humorless and kind of awkward. I've never seen him with any male buddies, unless they were involved with him business-wise... honestly, I couldn't see him opening up to anyone (especially a guy) about anything, and his sons are just too young to speak with like that.

So I should tell Jenny to just leave her dad alone until he's ready to talk (which may never happen... after this, I'd assume he'd be embarrassed about his behavior, and repress it like he appears to have repressed everything else).

I feel bad thinking about it because life would be so lonely without anyone to talk to... I know her dad doesn't even speak with his wife unless it's something to the effect of "Don't spend so much money or else we'll run out of savings."

 

[Aquaman]

Originally posted by: Orsorum
There may not be anything you can do, if he refuses to seek help. You can be there for your friend, but other than that... hope that he eventually swallows his pride and goes for treatment. It is a big step to seek psychiatric help, it was for me, and I'm just your run of the mill white guy, I cannot imagine the stress it would bring to a man raised in any asian culture.

I wish your friend's father luck, for lack of having anything better to offer.

Shalom.
Nate

True that

Good luck to your friend and her family.

Cheers,
Aquaman

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: AstIsis

Originally posted by: Dezign

Originally posted by: AstIsis
He was probably better off in the hospital where he might have been able to receive some counseling. If he has any friends outside the family, have them come speak with him. They might be able to persuade him to seek some professional help ASAP before this goes any further. (I doubt he will listen to his family right now.)

True, she was particularly concerned he'd hurt himself or do something stupid... I think all the did in the hospital was give him some codeine (?). No counseling or anything... and I know that my father would NEVER go to counseling or seek "professional help"... Asians just don't do that. They keep everything inside until it explodes into something like what just happens... so sad...

I am sorry to hear this, Dezign. I hope everything eventually works out for the better.

:frown:

Thank you for the kind words, me too... I can empathize because I come from a similar background, and I would feel so helpless if something like this happened to my family...

 

[ReiAyanami]

medication might help but u might not be able to get it without healthcare plan, but most last for atleast 6 months after jobloss

of course the bad HMOs will give you sugar pills

what a coincidence, my dad lost his job and then parents got divorced. must be a common thing these days.

 

[EvilYoda]

Does he have any college friends or high school friends from back overseas? Or someone from the past that could get through to him (close co-worker, whatnot). Any relatives?

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: Marshallj
What is your fixation with saying "Asian" this and "Asian" that?

They have the same mental problems as everyone else, and there's absolutely no excuse not to see a professional about this.

Being "Asian" is no excuse.

It's not a fixaction, I'm just stating the facts. And I'm in no way using it as an excuse. But if you're Asian or have any Asian friends (particularly those who are first-generation, whose parents have come from China/Japan/Taiwan/etc.), you should know that older Asian people (ESPECIALLY MEN) don't tend to talk to anyone about how they feel, are very non-confrontational, do NOT seek help from "strangers/professionals" for their problems. They have too much pride... things like that just aren't done.

I can't explain it any more than that, you would have to know/be to understand it.

 

[Spac3d]

Originally posted by: Marshallj
What is your fixation with saying "Asian" this and "Asian" that?

They have the same mental problems as everyone else, and there's absolutely no excuse not to see a professional about this.

For God's sake you're hinting that he won't see a professional because he's so "Asian", yet you're asking people on an anonymous internet forum for help. Pathetic.

Being "Asian" is no excuse.

 

[Orsorum]

Originally posted by: ReiAyanami
medication might help but u might not be able to get it without healthcare plan, but most last for atleast 6 months after jobloss

of course the bad HMOs will give you sugar pills

what a coincidence, my dad lost his job and then parents got divorced. must be a common thing these days.

Divorce is an ugly thing, it is not easy for anyone involved.

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: ReiAyanami
medication might help but u might not be able to get it without healthcare plan, but most last for atleast 6 months after jobloss

of course the bad HMOs will give you sugar pills

what a coincidence, my dad lost his job and then parents got divorced. must be a common thing these days.

I'm sorry to hear about that, ReiAyanami... Times are tough for a lot of people right now, and the fact that it might be common is sad in and of itself...

Getting medication would require going to a professional, which just won't happen...

 

[Spac3d]

Originally posted by: Dezign

Originally posted by: Marshallj
What is your fixation with saying "Asian" this and "Asian" that?

They have the same mental problems as everyone else, and there's absolutely no excuse not to see a professional about this.

Being "Asian" is no excuse.

It's not a fixaction, I'm just stating the facts. And I'm in no way using it as an excuse. But if you're Asian or have any Asian friends (particularly those who are first-generation, whose parents have come from China/Japan/Taiwan/etc.), you should know that older Asian people (ESPECIALLY MEN) don't tend to talk to anyone about how they feel, are very non-confrontational, do NOT seek help from "strangers/professionals" for their problems. They have too much pride... things like that just aren't done.

I can't explain it any more than that, you would have to know/be to understand it.

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: Spac3d

Originally posted by: Marshallj
What is your fixation with saying "Asian" this and "Asian" that?

They have the same mental problems as everyone else, and there's absolutely no excuse not to see a professional about this.

For God's sake you're hinting that he won't see a professional because he's so "Asian", yet you're asking people on an anonymous internet forum for help. Pathetic.

Being "Asian" is no excuse.

And no, he won't see a pro because he's an older Asian male. I would venture to say 90% of "older Asian males" from China/Taiwan/Japan/etc. would not go see a professional. Not BECAUSE they're Asian, duh, but because of how they were raised and the values that were instilled in them.

And I'm asking people on an anonymous internet forum for help because some of those people are kind, intelligent, and helpful... unlike you. I value the insight of a lot of these people because they've helped me int the past... if you don't have If you don't have anything nice or helpful to say, it would be more tactful/courteous to not say anything at all. :|

 

[Marshallj]

Originally posted by: Dezign

Originally posted by: Marshallj
What is your fixation with saying "Asian" this and "Asian" that?

They have the same mental problems as everyone else, and there's absolutely no excuse not to see a professional about this.

Being "Asian" is no excuse.

It's not a fixaction, I'm just stating the facts. And I'm in no way using it as an excuse. But if you're Asian or have any Asian friends (particularly those who are first-generation, whose parents have come from China/Japan/Taiwan/etc.), you should know that older Asian people (ESPECIALLY MEN) don't tend to talk to anyone about how they feel, are very non-confrontational, do NOT seek help from "strangers/professionals" for their problems. They have too much pride... things like that just aren't done.

I can't explain it any more than that, you would have to know/be to understand it.

I know things are like that, I'm just stating that it isn't logical or right. Yes, there are always social pressures when admitting that you're going to a psychiatrist... maybe moreso in some cultures. But the simple fact is that this is the only way that he will get help. He's going to have to either swallow his pride and admit that he needs help, or he's going to end up killing himself.

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: Spac3d

Originally posted by: Dezign

Originally posted by: Marshallj
What is your fixation with saying "Asian" this and "Asian" that?

They have the same mental problems as everyone else, and there's absolutely no excuse not to see a professional about this.

Being "Asian" is no excuse.

It's not a fixaction, I'm just stating the facts. And I'm in no way using it as an excuse. But if you're Asian or have any Asian friends (particularly those who are first-generation, whose parents have come from China/Japan/Taiwan/etc.), you should know that older Asian people (ESPECIALLY MEN) don't tend to talk to anyone about how they feel, are very non-confrontational, do NOT seek help from "strangers/professionals" for their problems. They have too much pride... things like that just aren't done.

I can't explain it any more than that, you would have to know/be to understand it.

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: EvilYoda
Does he have any college friends or high school friends from back overseas? Or someone from the past that could get through to him (close co-worker, whatnot). Any relatives?

I'm not sure, but I doubt it... no close co-workers, I know that for a fact. No brothers/sisters, no parents (both passed)...

 

[Marshallj]

Originally posted by: Dezign

And I'm asking people on an anonymous internet forum for help because some of those people are kind, intelligent, and helpful... unlike you. I value the insight of a lot of these people because they've helped me int the past... if you don't have If you don't have anything nice or helpful to say, it would be more tactful/courteous to not say anything at all. :|

I'm not trying to be hard on you, but I've already "been there/done that". When I was a bit younger I was depressed all the time and I tried to hold it in and ignore it, but that does no good for you. You have to swallow your pride and go to a pro. A pro can help you whereas an impersonal, anonymous internet forum cannot.

So when I saw your post, I knew the answer to your question but I also knew that it is not the answer that you wanted to hear. I'm sorry if it came off harsh, but there's no other way around it. I know he doesn't want to see a pro but it sounds like that is the only solution. I'm just telling you the truth, but it sounds like you don't consider the truth to be an acceptable option.

 

[ReiAyanami]

yeah, divorce sucks but personally i wish my parents never met/got married in the first place. it would seem designz's friend's dad feels both unappreciated and worthless, it'd be hard to solve the dilemma because if his family were to come to him and talk about it, he'd feel they were pitying him and feel worse.

the only solution i see is him getting a new job, one that he likes. however jobs are scarce so that's not likely for a while. medication is another option but he might have too much pride to do that so u might have to slip it in his food feasibly

my roommate's dad is on the verge of losing his job too, and i'm stuck paying the last 4 out of 5 months rent.