I was a single mom. VeggieFrog was about 14yrs old when I met my current b/f. I was getting no alimony, no child support and refused all governmet aid. I paid all the bills in an apartment that I could barely afford so we could live in an area where VeggieFrog could go to a good school. I paid EVERYthing myself... rent, gas, electric, water, cable teevee, internet, car isurance, food, clothes, school expeses, telephone, gas... you name it, I paid it. No college degree, no great job.
When I met the b/f I was also paying my own way thru college. Tuition, books... whatever. I would go to classes early morning, work all day and back to classes in the evening. I did it, cause I needed to.
I made it clear to him from the word GO that I had a very full plate, a lot of responsibilites and had no room at that point for a heavy or serious relationship. We lived 1,000 miles apart at the time and I made it clear that I was not looking for a daddy to my child or a man to pay my bills. I was looking for someone to have a good time with a few days a month. I told him that there was no other man in my life, there would not be and if he wanted to accept the way things were, then he could come to see me whenever he got the opportunity... fine, great, wonderful.
He accepted this, even though he fell in love with me ..hour two, date one. I did not know at the time that he has money. Did not know, did not care... and I think this went far into his trusting me. Cause even though I had nothing, I still would not take from him. When I found out what he had, it made no difference to me whatsoever. I guess he got tired of women who got $$$ signs in their eyes when they saw his bankbook.
we have been together for 6yrs, own a home together for over 5yrs. If he shied away from me because I had a kid, he would have missed out on the best love of his life and so would I. He told VeggieFrog that he was not trying to be her stepdad, or replacement anything... he just wanted to be the best friend she ever had... whether she realized it at the time or not, he would always be there for her, for whatever she needed.
there was no baggage, no bullsit, no head games.
and I thank God that he did not have a phobia about single mothers.
When I met the b/f I was also paying my own way thru college. Tuition, books... whatever. I would go to classes early morning, work all day and back to classes in the evening. I did it, cause I needed to.
I made it clear to him from the word GO that I had a very full plate, a lot of responsibilites and had no room at that point for a heavy or serious relationship. We lived 1,000 miles apart at the time and I made it clear that I was not looking for a daddy to my child or a man to pay my bills. I was looking for someone to have a good time with a few days a month. I told him that there was no other man in my life, there would not be and if he wanted to accept the way things were, then he could come to see me whenever he got the opportunity... fine, great, wonderful.
He accepted this, even though he fell in love with me ..hour two, date one. I did not know at the time that he has money. Did not know, did not care... and I think this went far into his trusting me. Cause even though I had nothing, I still would not take from him. When I found out what he had, it made no difference to me whatsoever. I guess he got tired of women who got $$$ signs in their eyes when they saw his bankbook.
we have been together for 6yrs, own a home together for over 5yrs. If he shied away from me because I had a kid, he would have missed out on the best love of his life and so would I. He told VeggieFrog that he was not trying to be her stepdad, or replacement anything... he just wanted to be the best friend she ever had... whether she realized it at the time or not, he would always be there for her, for whatever she needed.
there was no baggage, no bullsit, no head games.
and I thank God that he did not have a phobia about single mothers.
Squisher
Lifer
- Aug 17, 2000
- 21,204
- 66
- 91
NEIL YOUNG LYRICS
"Welfare Mothers"
People, pick up
on what I'm puttin' down now
Welfare mothers
make better lovers
Down at every
Laundromat in town now
Welfare mothers
make better lovers
While they're washin'
you can hear this sound now
Welfare mothers
make better lovers
Divorcee!
Hard to believe
that love is free now
Welfare mothers
make better lovers
Out on the street
with the whole family now
Welfare mothers
make better lovers
Hard to believe
that love is free now
Welfare mothers
make better lovers
Divorcee!
People, pick up
on what I'm puttin' down now
Welfare mothers
make better lovers
Down in every
Laundromat in town now
Welfare mothers
make better lovers
While they're washin'
you can hear this sound now
Welfare mothers
make better lovers
Divorcee!
"Welfare Mothers"
People, pick up
on what I'm puttin' down now
Welfare mothers
make better lovers
Down at every
Laundromat in town now
Welfare mothers
make better lovers
While they're washin'
you can hear this sound now
Welfare mothers
make better lovers
Divorcee!
Hard to believe
that love is free now
Welfare mothers
make better lovers
Out on the street
with the whole family now
Welfare mothers
make better lovers
Hard to believe
that love is free now
Welfare mothers
make better lovers
Divorcee!
People, pick up
on what I'm puttin' down now
Welfare mothers
make better lovers
Down in every
Laundromat in town now
Welfare mothers
make better lovers
While they're washin'
you can hear this sound now
Welfare mothers
make better lovers
Divorcee!
KarenMarie, good post. It probably worked out that way because he is a man and not a little boy.
alkemyst
No Lifer
- Feb 13, 2001
- 83,769
- 19
- 81
You are making the 'geek' assumption that all mothers are now damaged they became pregnant and the guy decided against marriage. I am not sure your age or dating experience but entering my 30's I will say there are a lot of people as single parents. Most of them I know make alot more than an average salary and have no personal hangups/phobias on dating.
Kids are the result of having sex. You have sex you take that chance. Those that say they use protection 100% of the time are simply either lying or having monthly/bimonthly partners if lucky. Same with STDs. Nothing necessarily dirty about them other than the fact someone lost the craps game.
PingSpike
Lifer
- Feb 25, 2004
- 21,758
- 603
- 126
The equation does of course change with age, I'd probably be more willing to consider it if I were older. But my circumstances would have changed a lot by then I would think. The fact remains though, that kid is part of the equation. Everyone makes mistakes or just different choices, I'm not going to call these women "damaged" because they took a route I didn't. But that doesn't mean I want to raise some one else's kids, at least not at this point in my life. Its not what I'm looking for.
sleeping around is fvcking disgusting. I won't sleep with a woman I don't want to have a serious relationship with.
every time you pork, or even make out with a new girl... just keep thinking... they can have it whenever they want it, think about how many jerks have been there before you... herpes++
every time you pork, or even make out with a new girl... just keep thinking... they can have it whenever they want it, think about how many jerks have been there before you... herpes++
I'm not saying no sex before marraige... I'm just saying I make sure the sex I get is sex I'll actually want...
Just a side thought.... I know that neither of you are saying that single moms are damaged goods, but I have heard that term before and it strikes me as sadly funny.
If a girl has sex and gets pregnant, she has choices to make. She can have a baby, have an abortion or give the baby away.
If she gives it away, she will always wonder about it. That is baggage. If she has it sucked down a tube, she doesnt have baggage. but if she decides to step up, have a baby and deal with two years of sh!tty diapers, months of cracked and bleeding nipples from nursing, up to a decade of limited social life, 18 years of financial expense and the responsibility of try to raise a moral, successful and productive member of society... she is looked at as damaged goods and comes with baggage.
Again, I know that neither of you guys are saying that, but I have heard the phrase before and .. well, it is just really mind boggling.
edit: let me also say.. there is nothing wrong with not wanting to raise someone else's children. I had a relationship with someone who had two children and was not ready for the additional responsibility... as long as it is upfront and honest from the get go... then it is ok to not want to be lumbered with someone else's kids. it is wrong however to lead someone on.
Maybe they should be. It's better off than having babies with no dad, as is so prevalent with poor people.
It doesn't matter to me, as long as they don't expect my taxes to pay for their illegimate bastards.
not true. I know women who have had abortions and they say they often wonder about the ethical nature of what they did and the life they deprived...
Sorry. perhaps I was unclear... i did not mean that the woman will not have emotional scars or baggage from an abortion. I meant it that men who look at her as a viable date/girlfriend will not see a woman who has had an abortion as having baggage like many do with woman who are single moms.
if you make a poll and ask if a guy would date a girl who has had an abortion my guess is that most guys would have no problem with it. Ask the same group of men if they would date a single mom, and my guess would be that they would shy away from her.
sorry ... i was probably unclear.
alkemyst
No Lifer
- Feb 13, 2001
- 83,769
- 19
- 81
dude you absolutely absolutely have no idea on dating.
Dating is not about even trying to think about a lifelong mate...you think about that down the road. Too many people are so happy to just be out with someone they are looking at marriage and wallpaper colors on day one. Hell I have been on so many 1st date onlys because the chick was already after a commitment before moving forward. I have been on a ton of fun dates where you just meet up here and there, go out and have fun, whether it's sex or no sex....then you have the ones that get more serious as time passes...which is how it should be.
When I am out just dating, everyone is game. I will talk and see where it's going to go. I have been surprised by a few choices in both directions...some women portraying themselves as hot, but are actually lame in bed and others you'd think 'ok it will be a few drinks and maybe some interesting conversation' that you don't even make it out of her living room picking her up the first time.
I have found many go through dating like this....no dating, no dating, no dating. yes finally a date through some odd situation....she will be my wife one day.....break up....no dating, no dating, no dating repeat....finally someone equally non-dating figures let's just get married....then you bank on a divorce when both you realize how easy it would have been to just get out there and meet a ton of people.
The thing is though if you are truly looking for a life partner you can't rule anyone out...if you are just looking for your idea of a perfect ornament for your home, then you can make cuts like no kids, no previous partners, must be blonde, etc. Just be prepared to mentally stimulate yourself.
Also make sure you aren't making those choices due to lack of one's you have been given.
PingSpike
Lifer
- Feb 25, 2004
- 21,758
- 603
- 126
You're entitled to your opinion, but I won't propose my decisions on dating would make you happy so I don't see why you think yours would make me happy.
I view (viewed rather) dating as a means to an end. It sounds like you view it as an end in and of itself. I've always been able to tell pretty quickly whether I would like some one or not, and I don't enjoy wasting my time. The few times I've decided to "see where it goes" while going against my instincts things turned out about how I expected them too. Its not like my self worth was ever tied to the amount of people I knew. I don't see any reason why I should waste time putting up with a bunch of people's sh|t just to prove my gut instinct was right.
Furthermore, if you're looking for a lifetime mate you can and should rule everyone out that doesn't meet your needs. There's nothing wrong with demanding what you want. Sure, you might not ever get it if your standards are to high...but I was perfectly happy alone and won't compromise away my happiness just for the sake of being with some one. Others may equate my status with my ability or lack of ability in getting large numbers of chicks, but its not a central part of my self worth and I don't give a damn what they think.
I've been dating a single mother for over a year now. The child just turned 4 and his dad is a dead beat who goes away for months at a time where nobody can find him. Doesn't care for his kid to begin with, has signed off on his daughter from his marriage to another woman because he told her he didn't want a kid to begin with, doesn't pay child support unless the authorities find him and puts him in jail, which was for 6 months last time. Its a pretty decent relationship because I want children to begin with and she wants at least one more.
I was always told to steer clear, but all in all, I have nothing bad to say.
I was always told to steer clear, but all in all, I have nothing bad to say.
And your gf was attracted to a guy like that and banged him numerous times. It also sounds like she knew about him not caring about/giving away his daughter from his previous marriage, yet she still stayed with him after that long enough to get knocked up and pump out another one of his illegitimate children. Tells you a lot about her, too. Think about it.
I was a single mother once. I come from a good family and I just happened to marry a guy who was a loser, even though he came from a good family (he hasn't spoken to his own father in over 12 years, and his father is a wonderful person.).
I went home to live with my family, went back to college, and a couple of years after my divorce, met my husband.
He had to think about whether or not he wanted to get involved with me, because we both take relationships VERY seriously. (I did not date after my divorce but did have 2 boyfriends, neither one got to the point where I allowed him to come home with me.) This is the main point--- single moms should do 2 things: Put their children 1st and respect themselves enough to stay away from creeps who just want one thing.
Anyway, he decided we were worth it and as of next month, we will have been married 13 years. He has been the true father to my first daughter... so much so that she intends to have him walk her down the aisle. My ex husband hasn't spoken to her in over 12 years (long story, but he's whacked) and so that's that.
I went home to live with my family, went back to college, and a couple of years after my divorce, met my husband.
He had to think about whether or not he wanted to get involved with me, because we both take relationships VERY seriously. (I did not date after my divorce but did have 2 boyfriends, neither one got to the point where I allowed him to come home with me.) This is the main point--- single moms should do 2 things: Put their children 1st and respect themselves enough to stay away from creeps who just want one thing.
Anyway, he decided we were worth it and as of next month, we will have been married 13 years. He has been the true father to my first daughter... so much so that she intends to have him walk her down the aisle. My ex husband hasn't spoken to her in over 12 years (long story, but he's whacked) and so that's that.
Originally posted by: KarenMarie
I was a single mom. VeggieFrog was about 14yrs old when I met my current b/f. I was getting no alimony, no child support and refused all governmet aid. I paid all the bills in an apartment that I could barely afford so we could live in an area where VeggieFrog could go to a good school. I paid EVERYthing myself... rent, gas, electric, water, cable teevee, internet, car isurance, food, clothes, school expeses, telephone, gas... you name it, I paid it. No college degree, no great job.
When I met the b/f I was also paying my own way thru college. Tuition, books... whatever. I would go to classes early morning, work all day and back to classes in the evening. I did it, cause I needed to.
I made it clear to him from the word GO that I had a very full plate, a lot of responsibilites and had no room at that point for a heavy or serious relationship. We lived 1,000 miles apart at the time and I made it clear that I was not looking for a daddy to my child or a man to pay my bills. I was looking for someone to have a good time with a few days a month. I told him that there was no other man in my life, there would not be and if he wanted to accept the way things were, then he could come to see me whenever he got the opportunity... fine, great, wonderful.
He accepted this, even though he fell in love with me ..hour two, date one. I did not know at the time that he has money. Did not know, did not care... and I think this went far into his trusting me. Cause even though I had nothing, I still would not take from him. When I found out what he had, it made no difference to me whatsoever. I guess he got tired of women who got $$$ signs in their eyes when they saw his bankbook.
we have been together for 6yrs, own a home together for over 5yrs. If he shied away from me because I had a kid, he would have missed out on the best love of his life and so would I. He told VeggieFrog that he was not trying to be her stepdad, or replacement anything... he just wanted to be the best friend she ever had... whether she realized it at the time or not, he would always be there for her, for whatever she needed.
there was no baggage, no bullsit, no head games.
and I thank God that he did not have a phobia about single mothers.
:thumbsup:
One of my female friends is a 32-year-old single mother, and she is a wonderful mother and person. She has a gorgeous 4-year-old daughter, and any man lucky enough to catch her attention is one lucky SOB.
It's too bad so many guys seem to have such a hangup when it comes to something most of them probably have no clue about.
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