What do you do when your life is stuck, and you're in a 3-year relationship?

[MDesigner]

OK, so this is my virtual bar, and I'm drinking and telling sob stories to you all. I'm at a very tough and confusing point in my life right now. I've been in a relationship for three years now, and we're at the point of discussing moving in together. For some reason, the whole idea just makes me very uncomfortable. And I know a lot of women out there may point me out as a typical guy who can't commit, but it's much deeper than that. I've always wanted a serious relationship, but I got let down repeatedly in the past. That tends to reduce your faith, and even reduce your will in even being around people in general. I've lived the life of a hermit since I moved out on my own in 1997, and to this day, I still have practically no friends in my area. The strange part is, it's almost as if I don't WANT any friends.

How much do these psychological issues get in the way of the relationship? I don't know, and I can't tell. If I were more well-off in my life in general, would I not be so uncertain about the relationship? Who knows. I just know that this is my first serious relationship (aka "realistic" relationship), and I'm having trouble with the natural progression of things. I had trouble giving her my apartment key, but I eventually did it, and I'm fine with it now. But the fact that I initially didn't want to seems wrong. It's like I just submitted and gave in. And for me, moving in is a big deal. I guess it's because I'm questioning the stability of the relationship and how happy I am with it. But once again, is the low quality of my own life creeping into my relationship? I don't really know, and believe me, it's hard to break up with someone you love just because you think you can't marry them. How does one deal with something like that? It's not like we don't get along, or we fight all the time. There are some personality conflicts that I don't like, and although we're similar in many ways, we're also extremely different. And maybe it's because I realize this, that I'm hesitant to commit too much. Maybe deep down I'm wondering "is there someone else out there I would be happier with?"

And how about my life, excluding the relationship? What life? I get up, go to work, come home, waste a few hours, and go to sleep. I guess I don't always waste time.. I try to learn new things regarding technology, and try to get clients to earn some side money. And that's fine, but I guess I miss the social life I had when I was in college. I used to go out with friends, shoot darts, etc., and now I just can't bring myself to do it. I just feel very disconnected from everyone.

Anyway. I just needed to vent. This whole thing is driving me nuts. If I just ignore it and have fun with her, things are cool. But the minute this serious stuff pops up, I can't deal. When she returns from her cruise in a couple weeks, we're going to talk about moving in. Yikes. My instincts tell me I need to fix my personal life before I have a serious relationship--with ANYONE.

That's all. Feel free to pitch in your own personal stories, throw tomatoes at me, or offer insight. Thanks for listening.

 

[Yo Ma Ma]

My advice would be to not move in together before marriage. If that means you must part ways then so be it, it's up to the individual to determine if they want to spend more time than 3 years in an uncommitted relationship. BTW I know there are always the live-in success stories but my advice is generalized not specific.

 

[kranky]

How old are you and your gf?

 

[MDesigner]

Sorry.. that's an important thing I left out.

I'm 26, she just turned 24.

 

[DAM]

I have been in a relationshiop on and off for four years, and I would never EVER EVER move in with her. I think that theres a time and place for everything, and marriage is the time and the place for living together. But thats just me. If she doesnt understand that, then maybe she is not the one, just talk to her frankly and truthfully and things will eventually (one way or another) work out.





dam(M)

 

[nicene]

hrmm. actually, doesn't sound too much unlike my philosphy of recent. i've got one year left of school, and i'll be out looking for a job. already, i've noticed that i have gotten socially lazy. i'm wondering if i'll be in your posiition a few years from now when i'm workin a job away from most of my friends.

personally, i think you just need to get over it. go out more. sometimes it sucks goin out socially when you can't stand the people that surround you, but just do it anyhow. sounds to me like you need a group of friends to chill with after work, at night, etc.

if you start being a little more socially active, i'd be wiling to bet that a lot of your woman problems would disappear. just my 2cents

 

[sandquip]

MDesigner,
I can relate to your situation. Although I'm only in first year and have not been in a relationship for nearly as long as 3 years, I can understand how it feels to want to fix your personal life before really moving forward with another person. You feel you have something unfinished, and before you can move on with anything else, that part of your life has to be fixed.
I'm constantly in wonder about whether the differences between both of us would draw us apart at some point. As much as this is cliché, I have to say (as "consolation&quot that it's only natural. But you have to wonder sometimes.

My question to you would be, even if you two did have differences, would they be such that you could not say "No" to her moving in? Or would the effect be so devastating as it threatens the relationship? Because it sounds as if this is a 'make or break' type of situation.

I'm really interested in this thread. Thanks for bringing it up.


SQ

 

[MDesigner]

Thanks for the replies. It's good to talk about it, I think relationships is an easy and interesting topic because everybody can relate to it.

sandquip:
Our differences aren't so great that we couldn't move in. I guess it's more my doubts & questioning the relationship that prevent me from doing it. The "finality" of taking ALL of my stuff and moving it in. And then possibly breaking up and having to move it allll out again.. a really big hassle, both emotionally and physically. But especially emotionally.

And you're right, this is the make-or-break point I think. It's like.. are we gonna move forward now, or end it? Three years is a long time.. and I feel we really should've progressed more than this by now. It's no one's fault really, it's just how it happened.

 

[MDesigner]

PS: I don't have any issues with moving in before marriage. It's just the idea of moving in (being such a big thing for me) that makes me uncomfortable.

 

[sandquip]

<< Our differences aren't so great that we couldn't move in. I guess it's more my doubts &amp; questioning the relationship that prevent me from doing it. The &quot;finality&quot; of taking ALL of my stuff and moving it in. And then possibly breaking up and having to move it allll out again.. a really big hassle, both emotionally and physically. But especially emotionally.

And you're right, this is the make-or-break point I think. It's like.. are we gonna move forward now, or end it? Three years is a long time.. and I feel we really should've progressed more than this by now. It's no one's fault really, it's just how it happened. >>



I see. That is definitely a real and understandable view. Who wouldn't be afraid? Every time change or the opportunity for change arises, we either plunge right into something mindlessly or we sit down and think and contemplate... until we come to a conclusion we're happy with.

I tend to agree with all the posters who have recommended not moving in with her. Unless you know or can sense that the relationship is deep enough and that you love each other enough that you believe it will last quite a bit longer (i.e. 1 or 2 years), then it isn't worth it. You'd be risking emotional pain, just as you said. It's a really big step in a relationship, and if you aren't prepared to take it (and just don't feel right inside), then you should tell her about it.



SQ

 

[MDesigner]

What people are saying is pretty much in sync with what I'm feeling. It's just hard, because not moving in might end it.. and it's not like I'm dying to get out of this and will party afterwards. There's a lot of good, we have fun, laugh together, take care of each other.. but there's a whole other world of stuff missing that I need. And I don't know what it is..but I know it's not there.

 

[Azraele]

<<My instincts tell me I need to fix my personal life before I have a serious relationship--with ANYONE.>>

Sounds like your answer right there. Talk to her, and tell her things from your heart. Try not to let past let-downs interfere with your relationship with this person, it's not really fair to either you or her. If you find yourself hindered by this often, you may want to talk to someone who can help council the relationship through that.

Make an effort to go out and do things. See a movie, play a game of mini golf, or go out to eat. Invite somebody you know, but would like to know better and have the potential to be friends with. Don't be a hermit. Too much hermiting is not a healthy way to live.

 

[TheAvenger]

moving in before marraige isn't a moral issue it just ALL that little stuff; who pays for this or that, do you split it up the line, then on dates you pay, everything else you split. OR who cares about the money thing?

How about the cleaning:
YOU: &quot;Well, I like my underwear over the lampshade to sleep on tuesdays.&quot;
HER: &quot;Don't you love me .&quot;

OR

YOU: &quot;I don't want to do the dishes until tomorrow.&quot;
HER: &quot;They bother me though. Whoy don't you love me.&quot;


It's like that to some extent with all women I've dated. Those might not be the words but sooner or later you find out thats what she meant and you were supposed to understand even if what she actually said was:

&quot;Ok, I love you dear, you want some pop while I'm in the kitchen?&quot;

...no way to win....

 

[TheAvenger]

Oh and Azraele is 100% right...

... wish you the best.

 

[Emulex]

i strongly suggest moving in before marriage. You will soon find out about all those little and BIG things that may make your life hell.

some chicks are impossible to live with, some guys are the same.

 

[MDesigner]

Azraele:
But I have trouble even meeting people. Or at least, meeting people with whom I share common interests. Maybe I have no interests..because I'm a hermit. Or maybe people are just interested in different things. I like music, writing music, movies, technology, computers, games, art. And maybe that's about it. I just have trouble clicking with the general populace.

 

[sandquip]

Azraele is right. If it doesn't feel right, it doesn't... and you just have to tell her about that.

As for what Emulex said, that's a fair point -- but the thing is, you'd want to move in with someone to find out all those little things if you truly want to MARRY her. If not, why waste the time / effort / emotional risk? Know if you want to get serious.

To MDesigner:
Stay positive. Keep finding new ways to meet people! Join clubs, organizations, even volunteer an hour or two if you have time! Honestly, there are a lot, a LOT of people who would and very well share your interests : you just have to keep looking. Be persistent. The more time you spend on your social life, meeting new people, becoming re-acquainted with old friends, the more comfortable you'll be in social situations. Because being a hermit really decreases your comfort and composure for interacting with people!



SQ

 

[MDesigner]

sandquip:

You're right.. if marriage is uncertain, then there's not much a point in moving in. Can't force the progression if it's just not there.

I have a couple weeks to think over this before she returns from her trip.

Thanks for your input, everyone

 

[TranceNation]

goto blockbuster and rent the movie called 'Swingers'.
that should fix you up.

 

[TheAvenger]

I love that movie!!!!


...a definate fix, lol

 

[shifrbv]

MDeisgner - Take it from someone else who has been there. Do not move in with this person. I was in a similar situation. Dated a person for 3 years, then made the mistake of &quot;moving in together&quot;. Wasted another 2 years of my life, only to break up and realize that it never should have happened. I was too weak and just went along with the status quo. As the last 2 years passed, it became obvious that we were just cohabitating for convenience and there was never any real thought of the future. We were more friends than anything else. A telling sign was when we split (peacefully), I only saw this person maybe a couple of times afterwards, after FIVE years together!

After that, I took a break from relationships, then when I found the right one, we dated for 2 years and I stayed on my own the entire time until marriage. If you need to move in together and cannot commit at this time, don't do it. It's an obvious sign that there's a problem in the relationship. You're just wasting your time.