What do 9 out of 10 people call a good time?

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shortylickens

shortylickens

No Lifer
Jul 15, 2003
82,854
17,365
136
If you guys are gonna rip off ORSM, I will at least give him credit.

I couldn't find that fucking thingy that peels the spuds and carrots, so I asked my kids if they have seen it... apparently she left me yesterday.
--
My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone, iPad and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my siblings. Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said... "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed."
--
I knocked at my neighbour's door today. I said "Your fucking cat keeps jumping into my garden and shitting and pissing everywhere". "Sorry pal, but there's nothing I can do" he replied "Cats just have an excellent ability to climb and scale large heights". "Not yours" I replied "Here's his legs."
--
Sesame Street's Bert and Ernie in same sex marriage. Today's programme was brought to you by the letters H, I and V.
--
There were three prostitutes living together - a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you get on tonight, dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job". "Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!" "Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"
 
M

MisterJackson

Lifer
Jun 19, 2004
10,861
1
81
Good ones, Ancalagon44! My Dad used to tell me those when I was younger. Don't listen to Sand Eagle. He's not really contributing anyway.

hypn0tik, the Diana one is awesome!
 
shortylickens

shortylickens

No Lifer
Jul 15, 2003
82,854
17,365
136
A plane crashed on a remote farm in the middle of outback Queensland. Panic stricken, the local police eventually mobilised and headed in force for the farm. When they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smouldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.

The sergeant and his men checked the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer mustering cattle not too far away as if nothing had happened and hurried over to the man.

"Gordon" the police sergeant yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible plane accident happen?" "Yeah. Sure did" the farmer mumbled unconcerned, getting off his horse.

"Do you realise that is the Prime Minister's jet?" "Sure do". "Were there any survivors?" "Nah. They's all got killed" the farmer answered. "I buried them all myself, took me most of the morning".

"Is the Prime Minister dead?" the Sergeant asked. "Well" the farmer grumbled... "She kept saying she wasn't... but you know how she lies".
 
gevorg

gevorg

Diamond Member
Nov 3, 2004
5,075
1
0
At a government affair, the wives of four world leaders are chatting about how people refer to a penis in their countries.

The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.

The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.

The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.

With great resignation, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth…
 
Saint Nick

Saint Nick

Lifer
Jan 21, 2005
17,722
6
81
SandEagle said:
we do not advocate violence against women here. many have been banned in the past for this same joke. i'd report you, but i'm under strict order from P-diddy not to report anyone again. so please stop this nonsense. if anyone else wants to report LBY, please feel free to do so. i am not getting involved. nope, even though it would be the right thing to do.
Click to expand...
You aren't allowed to report posts anymore? lolwat?
 
L

LookBehindYou

Platinum Member
Dec 23, 2010
2,412
1
81
SandEagle said:
we do not advocate violence against women here. many have been banned in the past for this same joke. i'd report you, but i'm under strict order from P-diddy not to report anyone again. so please stop this nonsense. if anyone else wants to report LBY, please feel free to do so. i am not getting involved. nope, even though it would be the right thing to do.
Click to expand...


Wait, so the gang rape joke is ok? I posted a comment in a thread before that was in bad taste, a joke, but in bad taste, and it didnt really read as a joke. I was warned, I edited it and removed it. I'm pretty sure this isn't the same thing. Otherwise half the people in this thread will be banned between the gay slurs and the gang rape jokes.

This is a thread full of tasteless jokes, I added one, that was obviously a joke, and even in a joke format.

Go fuck yourself SandEagle, quit being a douchebag, and quit looking in a thread of tasteless and offensive jokes trying get someone banned or start something.
 
H

hypn0tik

Diamond Member
Jul 5, 2005
5,867
2
0
They say that men fall asleep directly after sex. Then why is it so hard to catch a rapist?
 
AMDZen

AMDZen

Lifer
Apr 15, 2004
12,639
0
76
SandEagle said:
can we keep it to one liners please?

i dont want to read paragraphs to get to the punchline
Click to expand...

All you do is bitch, STFU

If it looks too long for you to read, just skip that post. Your such a little bitch and all you do is bitch and moan.

Bitch!
 
L

LookBehindYou

Platinum Member
Dec 23, 2010
2,412
1
81
I need more jokes! Someone out there has to have more? I know I could google them, but they feel more personal coming from here!
 
S

Spooner

Lifer
Jan 16, 2000
12,025
1
76
I think I am plum out :(




Define contraceptive pill?
It’s the second best thing that a women can keep in her mouth to avoid pregnancy.
 
CrazyAznDriver

CrazyAznDriver

Golden Member
Nov 28, 2010
1,200
0
0
When I was 18 my girlfriend at the time was finally ready to have sex. I, as one might expect of a 18 year old, was excited. Neither hell nor high water was going to stand between me and my final destination.

I get ready for the night, trim everything up, shower extra well. Unfortunately there was also an issue. I have a digestional disorder that sometimes cause my shit to become large and quite solid while still inside me. I wasn't aware it was a treatable problem and, in fact, just thought everyone had to deal with the equivalent of anal kidney stones. I bring this up because I had a mighty one which had been loaded into the gun for several days.

Let me set the scene. Her parents are away. We have her house to ourselves. She was always a little kinky so she demands we do it in her parents bed.

I walk in to a candle holocaust. She's been working on this all day apparently, and its as bright as high noon in there with the lights off. Which is good, because she proceeds to do a sweet, sexy little dance for me. At 18, she was AMAZING. For those of you who never experienced a female at that age, I pity the fool.

Now I'm sitting on the bed, watching this dance. I smile and tell her how good she looks. Unfortunately, most of my attention is focused on the dull throbbing from my sphincter and the large amount of intestinal discomfort associated with not dropping duce in days. But somehow I still get hard and we go to town.

She starts out on top, then we switch. I bend her over the bed, and I even smack her ass (a ballsy move at the time, but she loved it). Due to my built up distraction, I last for what seems like FOREVER. She can't stop moaning and telling me how good it feels, and then she says what every man wants to hear "I want to make you go in my mouth." I **** love women.

So she goes down on me. She was always average at best in the head department but at least she tried. She pops my **** out of her mouth long enough to look up at me and say "tell me if you like this". Then I feel it.

She stuck her finger up my ass.

My brain hits the panic switch and every muscle in my entire body locks up tighter than a three year old virgin. But its too late.

I take a massive, PAINFUL, PAINFUL shit, all over her parents comforter.

No, you aren't understanding. I mean large. Huge. IMMENSE. Take your largest shit and multiple it by forty-two and you'll have an idea of what flew out of me.

And gents, when I say flew, I don't mean "I pooped." I mean "projectile". I mean "hurricane force winds hitting an umbrella stand". And due to my condition, it comes out as a large, dark brown, smelly harpoon.

I know it hit her. I didn't see it. She ran screaming "OH MY GOD OHMYGODOHMYGODEEEEEWWWWWWWW" but I always imagined that, due to her position, it hit her right in the chin. Or at least the tits.

I would like to say I got up to go after her. But I heard the bathroom door shut and I just lied there. The smell hit me after a few seconds. It smelled like someone rolled a cat in shit and threw it into a tire fire. I looked down and saw, to date, the largest bowel movement I've ever heard of laying on the bed. Then I noticed the blood, and when I did, I noticed the pain.

Apparently the fact that it was so large caused it to rip my ass a little bit (thought I was bleeding from the inside. This little doctors trip the next day is what taught me of my condition). There was a small pool of blood where my ass had been. A final reminder of the exact place and moment I lost my virginity. I will treasure this memory for all my days.

I grab my shit with my hands and go to the downstairs bathroom. I throw around 1/3 into the toilet and flush, fearing any more will clog it and only add to my already significant woes.

I stand there, holding 2/3's of my biggest shit of all time, feeling a trickle of blood flow down my leg, trying to ignore the sharp pain stabbing my rectum. I find myself wishing I had a photo of this.

Anyway, I finish flushing my baby, clean off my hands, jam toilet paper between my cheeks (I skipped the bandaid) and went upstairs. I could hear my girlfriend sobbing from behind the bathroom door. I decided not to say anything to her and just keep moving. The smell in her parents room was abysmal. Its like when you take a shit and walk out of the bathroom you think "hey not so bad today," but then you walk back in to grab your magazine and go "HOLY SHIT!". It was one of those moments.

The scene is burned behind my eyelids for all time. My life. My shame. My very first time smelled like a pile of dead babies. I quickly got dressed since the heat from ten thousand candles was making the room feel more like a port-a-potty. I was aware enough to grab the comforter on my way out and drag it downstairs to their washer. Also the top and bottom sheets since the blood had leaked on through all the way to mattress. Still no sign of the GF but at this point I considered it a blessing.

I jammed in the washer with 3 loads worth of detergent and set it on spin, knowing that not even the hand of God would save these linens, let alone Tide and Snuggles.

Then I left. I avoided my GF's calls for days until she came to my house. We had a long talk about what happened. Talk being synonymous with "breaking up with me because I shit on her". And it was all over. She promised not to tell a soul and I don't THINK she ever did. She was probably as ashamed as I was about the whole deed. But I will always this happening as the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.
 
T

TheNinja

Lifer
Jan 22, 2003
12,207
1
0
Knock Knock
Who's there?
An interrupting cow
An interrupt....
MOOO!





What's the difference between a Ritz and a lesbian?


One is a snack cracker, the other is a crack snacker.
 
L

LookBehindYou

Platinum Member
Dec 23, 2010
2,412
1
81
CrazyAznDriver said:
When I was 18 my girlfriend at the time was finally ready to have sex. I, as one might expect of a 18 year old, was excited. Neither hell nor high water was going to stand between me and my final destination.

snip
Click to expand...


Oh my. I just lost it at my cube. Thanks, now everyone knows i'm not working.
 
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