The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting
with her young charges and she asked them what they
wanted to be when they grew up.
A twelve year-old said, "I want to be a prostitute."
The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot.
When they revived her, she raised her head from the
ground and gasped, "What did you say?"
The young girl shrugged. "I said I want to be a
prostitute."
"A prostitute!" the Mother Superior said. "Oh, praise
Sweet Jesus! I thought you said you wanted to be a
Protestant."
--------------------------------------
On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of
flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed
card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy".
While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It
was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong
card.
"Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman
and I understand how these things can happen."
"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to
a funeral party."
"Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper.
The florist read the card, "Congratulations on your new
location."
---------------------------------------
Actual Instructions on Labels (New ones)
In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is
doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label
instructions on consumer products:
1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS
PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND
YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE
DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT
TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO
AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP
TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but
the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful
hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY
UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO
ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5
MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING
OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO
PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter
special!)
12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE
REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of
the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You
lose!)
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE
HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF
CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do
with my kids?)
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR
INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in
outer space?)
17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR
THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
(Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS
- OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that
up.)
20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP
CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of
consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS
GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right,
destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION:
DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE
HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON
CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE
CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE
DROWSINESS. (Duh!)
------------------------------------------------
A new US special forces unit has been organized to fight the Taliban.
They are known as the Tali-whackers.
------------------------------------------------
How do the Anfgans play bingo?
B-52.....F-16...A-10.....
------------------------------------------------
A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure
of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they
would be late for the party.
She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom,
completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair
of boots.
"Where is your costume?" the husband asked.
"This is it," replied his wife.
"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the husband.
"Why, I'm going as Puss and Boots," explains the wife. "Now
hurry and get your costume on."
The husband went upstairs and was back in about two minutes.
He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid
over his penis.
"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the wife.
"I'm a fire alarm," he replied.
"A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing.
"Yes," he replied. "In case of fire break the glass, pull
twice and I come."
-------------------------------------------------
I just received this from my broker. I normally don't pass
stock tips on, but I thought this exception would be OK. If you hold
any of the following stocks, you may want to review. American Can
Co., Interstate Water Co.,National Gas Co. and Northern
Tissue Co. Due to the uncertain market conditions, at this present
time, we advise you sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water,
and
let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue
touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean
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